Chapter 27
CHAPTER 27
S HANNON
“Oh my gosh, why did I let you talk me into ice cream for dinner?” I moan as my belly feels like it’s ready to pop.
Olivia grins. “You have to get used to it, Mom. Practice makes perfect. We should do this once a week.”
I chuckle. “I’m pretty sure your doctor would have an issue with me feeding you kids ice cream for dinner on the regular.”
I reach across the couch and pull Olivia into a hug.
“Thanks for tonight, Mom. I liked hanging out, just us.”
I kiss her on top of her head and release her. “Me, too, Livvy. I’ve missed this. I’m sorry we’ve gone so long without a girl’s night. I’ll try to be better about it.”
Damn, mom guilt.
“Ma, don’t do that, ‘kay?” Olivia’s giving me a stern look.
“Do what?” I’m legitimately confused.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a great mom. Today’s women have so much to juggle, and you’re killing it. We have to support each other as part of the sisterhood and not let each other put ourselves down when we can’t do it all.”
I’m pretty sure my jaw is on the floor. Where did that come from? Olivia must see my shock because she giggles.
“You know I spend a lot of time with Aunt Shayna and Emily, Mom.” As if that explains it... Well, actually, it does. Emily and Shayna have been best friends for longer than I’ve been with Troy and are two peas in a pod. They’re all about girl empowerment. I’ve always envied how together they are. How brave they are about tackling the hard stuff in life.
“Emily says you’re kickass, and Aunt Shayna says you’re a boss bit?—”
“Olivia Jane, don’t you finish that sentence.” I bite my cheek to hold back a smile.
Olivia gives me a cheeky smile and then rests her head on my shoulder. We sit quietly like that, and I realize how little alone time I get with my first baby, especially in the last few months. With Troy and I being... apart, Oliver struggling, Chase regressing, and Chelsea having her play therapy appointments, Olivia has sort of faded into the background. My heart aches at the thought.
“Hey, Livvy?” I whisper. “I’m sorry if Dad and I have been preoccupied with everything going on with the other kids and haven’t been giving you enough time.”
Olivia’s quiet for a few seconds. “It’s okay, Ma. I’m okay.” She sits upright and twists her body smoothly into a cross-legged position facing me. “I’m sad about you and Dad, but I know you both love us all and will take care of us. The little kids need more right now... It’s harder for them to understand. I?—”
I wait to see if she’ll finish, but she doesn’t.
“You what, sweetheart?”
She looks up at me and suddenly doesn’t look like the sassy preteen who almost called me a ‘boss bitch’ a few minutes ago. Now, she looks like the little princess who first made me a mom.
“I want you and Daddy to be happy and I don’t understand because...” She pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Because you both seem sadder when the other one isn’t around. I don’t understand why you’re apart then.”
* * *
My emotions are raw from Olivia’s words earlier, and I can’t believe I somehow muddled my way through a response to her devastatingly heartbreaking words. Truthfully, I wish I knew the answer to her questions, but I’m confused myself, lately.
When the doorbell rings, Shayna is here to pick up Olivia for her sleepover with her cousin, Jessi, Shayna and Finn’s daughter, I’m still in a daze. I ask Olivia to grab my study bag while I answer the door. It’s time for my couple-days-long study break to end.
My sister hugs me when she walks in, then leans back and looks at me, concern marring her face.
“You okay, lil’ sis? Do I need to kick somebody’s ass for hurting you?”
“That’s a dollar in the swear jar, Mom.” Jessi hugs me and takes off in pursuit of finding her cousin.
When she’s out of earshot, Shayna looks at me and shakes her head. “Do you have any idea how much that fucking swear jar has cost me since she’s been in my life?” There’s amusement in her eyes, but it’s quickly replaced again by worry. “Shan?”
I force a smile to my face. “I’m okay. Just an emotional conversation with Livvy about the di... about Troy and me.”
Shayna frowns. “Honey, you can’t even say the word, can you?”
She doesn’t have to tell me she means the word ‘divorce.’ I know that’s what she’s talking about. I turn away from her.
“I can. I just don’t want her to hear.” It’s obvious—probably to us both—that my words are a lie. Fortunately, the girls chose that moment to skid into the foyer, Olivia’s bags for the sleepover in tow.
Olivia wastes no time squeezing me into a hug. “Good luck, Mom. You’re gonna kill it.”
“Yeah, Aunt Shannon.” Jessi wraps herself around my other side. “You’re gonna kick that test’s butt.”
When the girls release me, Shayna pulls me into a hug. “You got this. You’re the smartest person I know.” She leans in closer to my ear. “Plus, you’re a boss bitch,” she whispers.
“I heard that, Mom,” Jessi scolds.
Shayna grunts and pulls away from me. “Call me if you want to talk.” I nod in response.
They’re almost out the door when Olivia turns back. “Oh, Mom, I left your bag in the living room, but Jessi and I took some of the gum from your backpack. I figured you wouldn’t miss it with that ginormous bag. Love you!”
Just like that, she disappears through the door, and I wonder what the heck she’s talking about. When I get to our living room and look in my bag, it doesn’t take me long to figure it out. What I find stuns me.
I lift the enormous bag of gum out of the backpack. Three hundred fifty pieces. One pound. My heart races in my chest, my breath hitching. Chiclets.
When did I look in here last? I wrack my brain and realize that it was the night. The night I had dinner and studied, and... well, the night at Troy’s. I drop to the floor, still holding the gum, the vibrant colors blurring through the tears welling up in my eyes.
I’m not sure how long I kneel there after the tears start to fall. I must look a sight, clutching a bag of sugary chewing gum and sobbing on my living room floor. At some point, it strikes me to look in the bag and see if he had left a note. When I find it, I hold it in my shaking hands and stare at my name, written in Troy’s familiar handwriting, on the front of the envelope.
When I finally open it, it takes me a few seconds to slow my tears long enough to be able to read.
Dear Chiclet,
I thought you could use these as you study for your tests. Not that you’ll need them. You’re still that brilliant, beautiful girl who took my breath away when I first saw you waiting for me in the library. Still, I know you, and you’ll be nervous even though I have no doubt you’ll crush these tests.
Remember how you earned your nickname? You used to incessantly chew these things the day before a big test in high school? Or when we were practicing for your driver’s test, and I swear you survived on nothing but these things for a week? I’ll be honest. That’s the only test I ever worried about you not passing ;) Just kidding. I knew even then that nothing could ever hold you back.
Anyway, I want you to know that I’m proud of you for not giving up on this. I hope chewing this will help settle your nerves as you finish preparing and take your tests. Let them remind you there is nothing you can’t accomplish.
I hope someday you can have as much confidence in yourself as the rest of us have in you. Go get 'em, chiclet.
Love,
Troy
I don’t know how many times I re-read the card before Scrappy’s whining pulls me from my ‘read-cry-repeat’ cycle. I lift my exhausted body from the floor and walk to the back door to let the pup out. I stare mindlessly outside until he trots back in.
There’s nothing left in me to put any time into studying tonight. If I don’t know it by now, cramming won’t help. So, I fill my water bottle, grab my card and bag of chiclets, and head up to bed. Leaving my gift from Troy on the nightstand, I muddle through brushing my teeth and washing my face. When I finally crawl into bed, it’s ten thirty p.m.
I’m emotionally drained and need to sleep. My review class starts at eight a.m. tomorrow, followed by my first test the next day and my second the day after. What was I thinking scheduling a review class and four lengthy tests all over the course of eight days? It’s no wonder I can’t settle down.
Yeah, right. That’s what’s keeping me up. Not.
It’s the one thought that keeps running on repeat through my mind.
He still sees me. He’s always seen me.
It strikes me then that it’s been several days since Troy must have snuck these into my bag. Since the night we came together, unable to deny our desire for each other. Since then, I’ve avoided being alone with him and not thanked him for the kindest gesture I can remember from anyone in years. Sure, I didn’t find the gum until tonight, but he doesn’t know that.
The tears start flowing again.
I can’t stand the thought of him not knowing how much I appreciate it. I reach for my phone and glance at the time—eleven. He’ll be asleep, but I could text, and he’ll see it in the morning. That’s what I’ll do.
Me: Thank you...
I hit send and watch for a minute or two, but it still shows as “unread.” Of course, it does. There’s no way he’s awake.
As I reach over to place the phone back on the nightstand, I jump when the phone rings with Troy’s ringtone. Instead of answering right away, I stare at the picture of him that comes up. On the third ring, I sniffle and answer.
I try to speak, to say hello, but nothing comes out.
“Shannon?” Troy’s voice is groggy on the other end.
“Yeah,” I manage to whisper. I can’t stop myself from sniffling.
“Babe? Are you okay?” He sounds more alert now, concerned.
“I-I’m okay. Sorry if I woke you,” I force out.
“Don’t worry about that. Tell me what’s wrong. You’re crying.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I just... I found the C-C-Chiclets.” Now, I’m not only crying. I’m practically sobbing.
“Shit. It upset you. I didn’t mean for it?—”
“No. S-s-stop.” I inhale deeply and try to calm myself. “It didn’t upset me. It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.”
A sexy chuckle escapes him. “I don’t know about that, chiclet.”
“I do,” I whisper. Neither of us say anything for several long seconds. “I didn’t want to wait to thank you since you probably thought I found them days ago.”
Even across the phone lines, I hear him clear his throat. “You’re welcome. I appreciate that. Well... I guess?—”
No. I’m not ready to hang up yet.
“How were the kids tonight?” The question sounds rushed, like the attempt to keep him on the phone that it’s meant to be.
He pauses for a few seconds.
“Good. Lincoln and Ben came over and Ben wore Chase out while Lincoln insisted on teaching Chels and Owlie how to play Yahtzee.”
“Yahtzee?” A giggle escapes me. “What is he, eighty? He’s such a nerd. Who woulda thought Shyley would be the one to marry a dork and nerdy me would be the one to marry the sex?—”
Shit.
He says nothing at first, then, “Go ahead, Shan, finish what you were going to say.” His voice is low.
“No. It was a slip of the tongue. You know I say crazy stuff when I’m super stressed. I just need to relax enough to go to sleep.”
“Yeah? You need to relax?” The roughness in his voice causes a stirring between my legs. I love when his voice sounds like this.
“Stop it, Troy.” I’m not fooling anyone. I don’t want him to stop.
He says nothing at first. Then, seconds later, “Okay. I’ll stop if you want me to.” The gravelly sound of his voice has me gripping the sheets with my free hand: Jesus, this man.
I wait and see if he’ll say anything else, and he doesn’t. Disappointment consumes me.
“I don’t.” My heart starts racing. “I don’t want you to stop.”
There’s only about two seconds of silence before he speaks again. “No? You want me to help you relax?”
I know exactly what he means.
“Y-yes, please. You, too, though.” We’ve not done this in years. I want him to participate with me.
“I can’t, babe. Not like that . The kids are in the other room. But believe me, I’d love nothing more than to help get you there right now. Will you let me do that for you?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Yes. Will... will you listen?”
He groans on the other end of the line. “Fuck yes, I will. Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking sexy. Do you know that?”
“N-no, I’m not.” My insecurities start to creep back in.
“The fuck you aren’t. Do I lie to you, Shannon? No matter how hard something is, do I lie to you?”
I wrack my brain. No. I honestly can’t think of an instance where he has.
“No.”
“Good. Now listen to me. You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen. No one comes close to you. You got it? I want to hear you say it. I want to hear that you believe me.”
I hesitate. Can I? Believe him, I mean.
“Shan?”
“I believe you,” I whisper.
“Good. Now, will you do something for me?”
“Mm hmm.”
“I want you to take your free hand and reach down into your panties and tell me what you feel.”
I swallow, then slip my hand between my legs and slide into the warm space. I moan as I brush over my clit and move to the soaked center of my core.
Troy groans in the background and I remember that I’m supposed to tell him what I feel.
“It’s hot... and wet. Very wet.”
“Fuck, yes,” he rasps. “Don’t you think that’s sexy, babe? Because I sure as hell do. Tell me that you know you’re sexy.”
“It’s sexy. I’m...”
“Go on,” he encourages, “say it while you stroke that gorgeous pussy for me.”
I moan at the combination of his words and the sensitive pleasure that fills me as I slide my fingers through the evidence of my arousal. “I’m sexy,” I whisper it at first, then clear my throat. I do feel sexy right now. “I’m sexy,” I say, more confidence in my voice.
“You are, Shannon. So fucking sexy. Please keep touching yourself. God, I can picture you and it’s killing me not being there. I miss your body so much.”
“I wish you were here, too,” I pant out. I’ve found a rhythm that feels amazing, and coupled with his voice in the background, my pleasure is mounting.
“Do you want me to keep talking to you, babe? Or I can listen as quietly as I can manage, but?—”
“Keep talking,” I order. My movements start to quicken.
“I was hoping you’d say that... I’m so hard here picturing you fucking yourself with your fingers, flicking that clit. God, I wish my mouth was on your clit right now.”
“Troy,” I whine. I’m racing toward an orgasm, and this is so hot.
“I’d bury my face between your legs and eat your pussy like I love to. I’d suck on your clit until you...”
I don’t hear the rest of what he says because I fall apart under my own hand, with his voice in my ear and images of him in my mind. My body erupts with pleasure as wave after wave of ecstasy wash over me.
When I start to come down off my high, I still hear Troy whispering through the phone, telling me I’m beautiful... amazing... sexy.
Telling me I’m everything.