Chapter 17
Let It Go, Let It Go
Allie
Allie woke slowly, lying somewhere comfortable.
And someone was talking.
She tried to open her eyes, but her lids were so heavy it took her a few tries to pry them apart. She saw Cam sitting a few feet away from her, talking to the older man. Gray.
She tried to raise her head but stopped when the pain rushed in. Her head ached fiercely. When she tried moving one arm from under the blanket, her sides flared hot with agony.
“Don’t try to move, angel.” That low voice was Cam’s, close to her now. Soothing. “But you should drink some water while you’re awake.”
She blinked, his face coming into focus above her. Cam. Still here. “W-Wa-Wa...”
“Here. Drink this.”
Her eyelids were already heavy, though. I can’t, she wanted to say. It’s too much. I’m too tired. She succeeded only in making a sound of protest.
But Cam was persistent, and he talked her through it so gently and with such care, that she opened her mouth when the cool metal rim of the cup pressed against her bottom lip.
He helped ease the liquid down her throat a little at a time, praising her with every small swallow.
Tears stung the back of her eyelids when she blinked—weary, pitiful, grateful. Weak.
Weren’t they going to leave her? Why was she being taken care of like this?
Why hadn’t Cam left? She’d told him it was okay.
Before she could ask any of these questions—none of which she really wanted him to answer—her eyes slipped closed again.
When she came back to herself next, Allie stood high on a grassy hilltop.
The wind blew her hair in her eyes, which was annoying, but she felt no pain—that was how she knew she was dreaming.
Then the capital-V Voice, as icy as a pure Arctic wind, sounded from beside her. Are you ready to be reasonable?
Allie turned.
Morrigan’s molten-red hair blew around Her as well, but She looked like a goddess when it did. Which was appropriate and fair.
Well?
Allie opened her mouth, and a gust of wind sent tendrils of wavy hair into it. She coughed—how can I feel this but not my many actual wounds?—and tugged it out.
At Morrigan’s steady, terrifying glare, Allie realized that the wind was likely an indicator of the goddess’s anger. At her.
Allie pushed her hair back, swallowed down hot shame and fear, and tried again. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, bowing her head, hoping it would be enough. “I was foolish. I was wrong.”
Love was not supposed to make you thick-headed. It was supposed to make you stronger.
Shows what you know about people and love. Allie hoped Morrigan didn’t catch that. “I didn’t mean to cause trouble. I’m sorry I disobeyed. I... let my emotions get the better of me.”
Morrigan’s chin tilted up in a clear show of disgust. Humans.
Goddesses. Allie couldn’t stop the mental echo, although she refrained from rolling her eyes. Morrigan would not find that funny.
The goddess turned away from her, but Allie felt the air between them thaw as the wind quieted. Still, you shall heal. And you have found his people, so all is not lost.
Allie nodded, thankful Morrigan’s anger seemed to be waning. “Yes. Thank you.”
And you shall not try to commit suicide again.
“I wasn’t—”
Morrigan’s eyes turned back to her with a searing look Allie felt in the back of her skull. I hope I didn’t wet the bed just now.
Allie willed her mouth to move. “No,” she said, unable to stop her voice from shaking. “I won’t... do that.”
Good. After a moment, the goddess nodded, her glowing green eyes softening a little. You are on the path now, child. See that you stay on it.
Allie met Her otherworldly gaze as calmly as possible. “Can you tell me more about the path? And Cam’s role?”
Morrigan’s eyes suddenly shifted, seeming to look at something in the distance. You know what you need to know. There is a reason secrets must be kept.
Allie swallowed. Her throat was scratchy—she must be near to waking in the real world.
This will be your next stop.
Morrigan gestured, and a vision appeared on a stretch of level ground near them of a square gray building. It was surrounded by open space but showed signs of occupation.
“Looks depressing but safe enough.” No zombies could be seen in the area, but Allie couldn’t tell whether the building’s surroundings had been reproduced in the dream. Morrigan had been known to simply show her the important place without context, which could occasionally be confusing.
Looks can be deceiving. Stay close to the man.
“Is it dangerous? Should we be going there, then?” Allie asked, confused, but the next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes to see a blue sky stretching out above her, studded with clouds.
So much for clarification. Allie blinked then groaned a little.
“Hey there, Sleepy.”
This was a voice she’d not heard before.
It came from a white woman in leggings and a tank top, her arms strong and tanned, who looked a bit younger than Allie.
The woman dog-eared a page in the book she was reading and set it beside her.
“I’m Jessica. You can call me Jessie—most everyone does but Gray.
He says he likes the rhythm of ‘Jess-i-ca’ too much to cut it short. ”
Jessie. Her curly blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and kind brown eyes and a nice smile rounded out the picture.
Allie managed to croak out a “hi” before Jessie shushed her.
“I appreciate the manners, but you need to rest that throat and drink water and broth.” She held out a tin cup of water. “Do you want to try to sit up so you can drink it yourself?”
Allie tried to move her arms and found that they obeyed her with only a few twinges of discomfort, so she nodded. Jessie helped her prop herself up on a few more rolled-up blankets and pillows, and Allie sipped from the water tin with some relief while Jessie pulled out a thermos.
Then she noticed the bouquet beside her makeshift bed—a profusion of wildflowers, all blues and reds and yellows, with a large can as a vase.
Jessie followed her gaze. “Yeah, Cam wanted to make sure you had something nice to look at when you woke up.”
Allie couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face. It was probably moony and goofy-looking.
Jessie went on. “Cam’s out foraging with a few of the others. Ripper’s on guard duty, and I’m on Allie duty.” She grinned. “Cam was very adamant that you be my primary concern.”
Allie’s cheeks heated. How am I blushing right now? “How long was I asleep?”
“This time? More than a day.”
Allie’s horror must have shown on her face, as Jessie’s grin melted into a serious expression.
“Hey, that’s to be expected,” Jessie said.
“You went through some serious trauma when you were already physically and mentally exhausted. And that’s on top of whatever else you’ve been through since the world ended.
” She sighed. “If you’d bounced back too quickly, I’d be worried about your mental health. ”
A bitter taste coated Allie’s tongue. “But I’m... holding everyone back.”
Jessie shook her head. “Nope. We’re nomads when we’re off our usual circuit for messages and deliveries.
Any ‘schedule’ we try to stick to is loose at best. Now, that being said, there are places we need to go—like the Armory, which is our next stop.
We can get there within a day, easy, so we’ll probably leave tomorrow morning, now that you’re awake. ”
The Armory. Allie would bet all the clean water in the tristate area that that Armory was a boxy gray building.
Jessie poured some murky liquid from a thermos into another cup. “Think you’re ready for this?”
Allie took the cup in her hands and inhaled the fragrant aroma of warm broth. Suddenly, she was ravenous. “Thank you,” she managed before she sipped, at first slowly, then in gulps. She paused right before she got to the bottom, sighing. “Is there more?”
“There’s plenty where that came from, but maybe slow down so you don’t hork it all back up again?” Laughter echoed in Jessie’s voice, not censure.
Allie smiled at her. “I will, I promise.” Sipping slowly, she lay back.
“I’m going to check your bandages now, okay? You relax and drink—I’ll look at your arms and legs first, and I’ll wait until you’re done to check the stitches on your torso.”
Allie let Jessie work, watching as the woman rather expertly cut and placed new bandages where they were needed. “Are you a doctor?”
“Nah. I’m not even a real nurse—Odette’s teaching me, though. I suppose if we’re back to the old-timey ways of learning a trade, I’m her apprentice. But I’m also kind of the group’s unofficial therapist.” She shrugged. “Mental health is important.”
“That’s cool.” Allie wondered what her own role in this new world would be, beyond shooting a rifle. Could she apprentice at something? Or was her connection to Morrigan really the beginning and end of her usefulness?
“Are you done with that cup?” Jessie asked after a moment. “Want some more?”
Allie realized the broth was gone. “Yes, please.”
“Water first.”
Allie took a few long sips from the metal bottle then applied herself to a new mug of broth. “This is delicious.”
“Gotta love bone broth. It’s great stuff.” Jessie grinned. “But don’t ask what kind of bones if you’re not used to eating wild game yet.”
While Allie sipped her second cup of broth, Gray came over.
“Hey, kid,” he said. “How’s the head?”
“Sore. Embarrassed.” With some regret, she met his eyes. “I’m sorry I was so suspicious of you.”
He shook his head and sat cross-legged on the ground beside her. “No apologies needed.” He cocked his head. “Would you like something for the pain and anxiety?”
“Like weed?”
He grinned. “Yes, like weed. I can make sure you get enough to help you without impairing your reflexes unduly. It’s my gift.”
Allie wondered if he meant that literally or figuratively. “Sure. I guess.”
Jessie gave Allie a sympathetic look. “It really is helpful, what Gray can do. I was raised in a pretty strict household, so I never even tried edibles when everyone else had them in college.” She rolled her eyes a little—at herself, Allie could tell.
“In my brain, it was still ‘drugs,’ you know? I felt a little weird taking Gray’s tincture the first time. ”
Allie nodded. It was ridiculous to feel apprehensive. Not all drugs are bad.
Gray pulled out a brown bottle with a dropper. “This is basically cannabis extract—when I make it on the road, I always use alcohol, so it’s a tincture. Easiest, quickest way to consume. If you’re not familiar, it’s just a drop or two on the tongue.”
“You’ll want water,” Jessie added. “Full disclosure, it’s pretty gross, but you can wash down the taste. It really does help.”
Allie must have been making a face, because Gray gave her a nod. “It’s medicine, truly. Think of it that way.”
In for a penny, in for a pound. I can trust these people.
Allie opened her mouth, and Gray put two drops on her tongue. She swallowed reflexively, and the strong flavor made her eyes widen. She swigged some water to clear it a bit. “Bleh.”
“Sorry,” Gray said, chuckling. “That’s all you’ll need for now.” He gave her a crooked, reassuring smile. “And here. Try this too.” He pulled out another vial.
“What’s that?” Allie asked, trying not to sound apprehensive.
“Lavender oil for your wrists. It reduces stress and helps with sleep. May I?”
Quietly, Allie raised her arms, wincing a bit, and Gray put a few drops on her skin and gave them a quick rub. The smell, sharp and soothing and lovely all at once, filled her nostrils. “Thank you,” she said.
“You’re very welcome.” He nodded down at her. “Keep me posted on how you’re feeling, okay?”
“I will.”
As Gray left, Allie looked around the camp and its new location. Luckily, they’d moved everything away from the ambush site. Including her.
“Jessie...” she began before she realized she didn’t quite know what she needed to ask.
Jessie leaned forward. “Yeah?”
After a moment, Allie finally got it out. “Why didn’t you all leave me?”
Jessie sighed, sitting back on her heels. “I heard some of that when you were going under. That’s why I wanted to stay with you and be here when you woke up.” She looked directly into Allie’s eyes. “None of this is your fault, Allie.”
“I know.” She said it quickly—too quickly.
Jessie shook her head. “No, I mean it. The ambush was not your fault. Struggling with the bike was not your fault. You almost getting yourself killed... Well, that was your fault. But everyone understands why you did it, even if they all wish you hadn’t. Even Cam.”
Allie wanted to deny it all, but the words clogged in her throat, refusing to emerge. Her brain was beginning to float a bit now, but she still couldn’t stop blaming herself.
“Not your fault,” Jessie repeated. “None of this. And we’re not going to leave you. Cam is not going to leave you—hell, Key had to almost carry him away from camp to get him to go foraging a few hours ago.”
Allie tried to process this through the fog. “But...” She struggled with the words. “But... why?”
The question tore loose something raw inside her, along with tears and wrenching sobs that racked her chest. Everything she couldn’t say out loud echoed in her head. Why would anyone want me? Why would anyone want to take care of me?
She rolled onto her side, still sobbing, while Jessie held her hand.
Why would anyone think I’m worthy of this kind of friendship? Why would Cam think I’m worthy of love? I’ve fucked up so many times...
Allie felt Jessie take her hands in both of hers, rubbing with her thumbs to soothe, crooning, “Let it out. You’re safe. You can let go of it now. Carrying all that old shit is too much. Let it go.”
So Allie did.