Chapter 22
Mats ran his hand over his face. He wasn’t sure where this had come from and why Lotta was suddenly overthinking things between them.
‘You can be there for me in other ways than having to live in Norway,’ he said. She needed to hear that, even though it didn’t ring entirely true to him.
‘It feels so one-sided at the moment. You lost your job and I sent you off to Bergen when I should have been there for you.’
‘I’m fine,’ he said. ‘And seeing Hanne actually makes it better. She’s come out of that place better off too. They did us both a favour and we can move on.’
‘But…’
‘Lotta.’ He stood up and reached out his hand. When she took it, he pulled her up into his arms. ‘You deserve this night. Enjoy it. Life is like this. Right now, this is your time to shine, not mine. My time will come.’
She gave him a half-smile, but he could see something in her eyes that meant she wasn’t completely back in the room. They needed to talk, but now wasn’t the time.
‘Come on, let’s go and find Gudrun. She’s so funny, and you’ll feel like you know Anders and Becca inside out by the time you meet them.’
Mats stayed by Lotta’s side for the rest of the evening.
When they’d arrived, he hadn’t wanted to overshadow her or make her feel that she had to look after him.
He was used to making his own way around a party, but he didn’t think that was the same for her, and he sensed that something had shaken her confidence.
Tonight was a celebration that Lotta should feel was hers, and nothing should undermine that.
By the time they said goodnight to the Snug team, after most of the other guests had left, Lotta looked exhausted but happy.
‘Lotta, will you join us for lunch tomorrow?’ Clemmie said.
‘We’re travelling to Bergen tomorrow,’ she said.
‘That’s okay, we can change the flight to a later one,’ said Mats. ‘You have time for lunch.’
‘You’re welcome too, Mats,’ Clemmie said.
He smiled, not wanting to commit until he’d spoken to Lotta. This was her thing and he didn’t want to tread on her toes.
‘You don’t have to change the flight,’ she said, when they got back to the apartment. ‘I don’t need to go to lunch.’
‘You don’t want to go?’ He pulled his tie loose and undid his top button while Lotta sat on the chair in the hallway and undid the straps on her heels.
‘No, we should stick to the plan.’
He sensed he needed to tread carefully. ‘I’m going to change the flights anyway. I have a few things to do tomorrow so it gives me some extra time.’
Lotta walked into the bedroom and began tugging at the zip on her dress.
‘Let me help you.’
He looked at her reflection in the mirror as he pulled the zip down. ‘You don’t look like you enjoyed yourself tonight.’
She slipped the dress off her shoulders and let it pool on the floor before she stepped out of it and lay down on the bed. ‘I did, but it feels too good to be true.’
‘What? Tonight?’
‘Life.’
He swallowed hard. ‘You don’t think you deserve this?’
‘I feel as if I have everything, as if my life is on the verge of being perfect, and I know it won’t last.’
‘Why won’t it?’ He spoke gently and lay on the bed next to her, still fully clothed.
‘Because it never has before. And I feel like I’m just waiting for the bomb to drop.
Waiting for Snug to realise they don’t need me.
It’s not rocket science what I’ve done, they can do it on their own.
’ A tear ran over the bridge of her nose and fell onto the pillow.
‘Or you will realise you can find someone who will move to the island with you. Someone who isn’t putting their career first.’
‘I don’t want anyone else. And I don’t mind if you put your career first.’
‘I know that’s what you say, but you’re giving up everything you have here and following your dream, and my dream has only just started. I want more nights like tonight, and you don’t. The dream for me is everything you’re leaving behind.’
Now he understood. And this wasn’t something that could be fixed with a few words.
Any assurances he made now weren’t capable of reaching deeply enough into the part of Lotta that was having these thoughts.
These thoughts had come from something ingrained in her through years of knocks; professional and personal ones.
But the personal ones were the ones that had done the damage for anyone who came along later.
‘It isn’t all or nothing. We can work towards having everything. No one needs to choose between anything, especially not now. Not tonight.’
He pulled her into his arms, grateful that she sank into him. As long as she still wanted him, that was all he cared about.
Once she’d fallen asleep, he carefully pulled his arm out from underneath her and went into the bathroom to undress.
He braced his hands against the counter and looked at himself in the mirror.
He was clean-shaven, and his hair was tidier than it had been since the day he walked out of Halvorsen & Bryne.
Tonight had been for Lotta. This version of himself was for her, and if he had to dust off this guy now and again for her, he’d do it.
But it didn’t feel like him anymore, and after years of wishing it wasn’t, he could be happy about that.
It was just sad that the woman he loved, who had said those three words to him tonight, seemed to be sliding from her happiest to something else, and it scared him.
The following morning, he left Lotta sleeping while he headed out to run some errands. He messaged her to let her know he wouldn’t come for lunch, but that he’d meet her back at the apartment in time to head to the airport. By the time he got back there, she had packed and was ready to go.
‘How was lunch?’ He sat next to her on the sofa, where she had her laptop open.
‘Good,’ she said, smiling. ‘What have you been up to?’
‘I had some papers to sign for the apartment and some money to shift around. Nothing exciting.’ He’d set the wheels in motion to list the apartment for sale but the agent had warned him it wouldn’t be quick.
It wasn’t what he’d been hoping to hear, but at least it had taken the other decision he’d been putting off making out of his hands.
Aside from the house in Loddefjord, the Larsen siblings had each inherited a considerable amount of cash.
Mats had decided at the beginning of planning his island project that he wouldn’t be dipping into that money to fund it.
It seemed wrong, given that his father had nothing to do with the place, to spend his money on it.
But it was the only option he was left with.
The redundancy money had gone on the latest phase payment to Lars and to Knut so that he could order the industrial kitchen.
It was a decision he’d have loved to talk to Lotta about but after last night he knew she had enough on her plate at the moment without him adding his money problems into the mix.
‘I’m sorry about last night,’ she said.
He put a hand on her thigh and squeezed gently. ‘There’s nothing to apologise for. You have a lot going on. It’s natural to think of reasons why it could all end tomorrow, but it’s also important to see that there’s no actual reason to think that will be the case.’
‘I know. It’s crazy to think like that. I just can’t help it sometimes.’
He kissed the back of her hand. ‘It’s not crazy. You’ve worked hard for a long time to make this happen for yourself, and it’s terrifying to think that something could ruin that.’
‘It’s happened before. That’s why.’
‘I will never do anything like he did.’
‘I know.’
But he still had the uneasy feeling she might not be sure.
‘We should get going.’
‘This might be the last time we stay here together,’ she said.
‘It might.’ If only she was right and the apartment would sell that quickly.
‘I’ll miss it.’
He didn’t say anything. He’d miss being here with Lotta, but this place was for a person with a different life to the one he had now.
Aside from the past few weeks, it held no particular memories, good or bad.
He remembered how it had felt to buy it all those years ago, like a tangible sign that he’d achieved something, reached a milestone in his life, but he didn’t need to hang onto it now he had the island.
They got to Bergen on time and headed straight to Loddefjord, where Ida had a meal waiting for them.
‘Look at him,’ she said to Lotta, gesturing at Mats. ‘He’s turned into a builder.’
‘I like this look on him,’ Lotta said. ‘You can never have too many pockets in your trousers.’
Mats laughed. He’d picked up some work clothes from a store that Knut recommended and was a convert to the utility trousers and thick flannel shirts he wore over a wool sweater. It made a nice change from wearing suits all the time.
‘I think this is me now,’ he said, grinning, and feeling as if it was true.
‘You will have to get used to the smell,’ Ida carried on.
‘I can’t help it if there are no showers on the island yet,’ said Mats. ‘And it’s not like there’s anyone there to smell me most of the time.’
‘I would force him into the fjord to freshen up if I were you,’ Ida said.
Lotta giggled. ‘I don’t mind a more rustic version of you,’ she said, kissing his cheek while he grinned at his sister in victory.
‘How was your party?’ Ida asked.
‘Really good. We met Anders’ friend Gudrun. She’s helping out at Snug Oslo for a few weeks until the new manager’s up and running,’ said Lotta.
‘I think you and Gudrun would get on,’ Mats said to Ida. ‘Perhaps we should invite her to stay when Anders and Becca are here in a couple of weeks?’
‘That’s a great idea,’ said Lotta.
‘So, is your work on that project finished?’ Ida asked.
Mats tensed, worried that she was launching into an interrogation of Lotta that involved the question of whether she was planning to move to Norway. After last night, he was keen to steer clear of that since they only had a couple of days together before Lotta went back to London.
‘It’s ongoing for a bit, but not quite at the level it has been. Hopefully, I’ll have time to look at pitching for new work over the next few weeks.’
‘And when does the marketing start for Mats?’
Lotta looked at him, eyebrows raised. It was something they hadn’t discussed seriously. He hadn’t wanted to assume she would want to do it or have time for it. And now, he didn’t want her to think he might use it as a trap to get her to agree to stay.
‘We haven’t discussed that yet,’ Mats said honestly. ‘It feels too soon to start thinking about that when it’s still a building site.’ And he would want to pay her properly for any work she did, something he wasn’t in a position to do yet.
‘It’s not really too soon,’ Lotta said easily. ‘We could use some of Becca’s sketches and start teasing it on social media. You need to think of a name for the place to begin with.’
‘You don’t have a name?’ Ida said.
‘Not yet.’
‘It’s not as simple as just choosing a name. You need to make sure you can get the website address and the social media handles, and it needs to scan well.’
‘See?’ Mats said, pointing his fork at his sister. ‘There is a lot to consider.’
‘All the things you hadn’t thought of until now,’ Ida said, batting his hand away.
‘We need a brainstorming session sometime,’ said Lotta.
‘Count me in,’ said Ida.
‘No way! My island, my name.’
He watched Lotta laughing at him and Ida, with no hint now of the melancholy of the night before.
He was torn between whether to mention it again, to try and get Lotta to open up to him more about her fears, or whether now she seemed okay again, it was better to leave it.
He still wasn’t sure he understood exactly what had happened between her and ex, but with every mention, it became clearer to Mats that he was at the root of her doubts.
Perhaps the next time she mentioned anything to do with him, he would probe a little deeper into what had happened.
For now, he was happy to be here, watching her laugh with his sister. Hopefully she’d find this could be an escape from having to think about anything else, even if it was only for a couple of days. And even if it wasn’t the escape from reality for him that it had been before.