Chapter 3
Jatavia
For the first time in weeks, I actually felt…
cute. Not perfect, not flawless but cute enough to look myself in the mirror without wanting to turn away from it.
The colorful sky and all of Vegas’s lights lifted me a little as I drove.
My windows to my Toyota Camary were halfway down, the warm air felt good against my skin.
I had my phone on speaker, propped in the cupholder while Tammy’s voice filled my car.
“Girl,” she said wheezing between laughs, “when I tell you a bitch was funky! Like gym class in the sixth grade forgetting to bring my damn deodorant and perfume type of funky!” She laughed hard.
I could no longer hold in my own laughter.
One thing about my cousin Tammy was she had no shame in her game.
She cursed like it was a part of her religion and she had no problem being blatantly honest. She was my best friend, my only friend.
Tammy always was down to ride hard for me, and she called me out on my bullshit, always.
“Tammy, stop.” I snorted out.
“Bitch no I can’t stop! Because why did I think it was a good idea to go do a client’s hair after hittin’ the legs and stair master?
I realized I was going to be late after my work out session.
I had sweat dripping down my damn back and in between my damn titties!
Then I over did the shit because while I was doing the nigga locs my back locked the hell up.
I kept leaning my musty ass titties against his back to relieve myself of some of the pressure. ” She yelled.
“Okay please.” I covered my mouth with my left hand but still busted out with a loud cackle.
“I’m trying to drive and you not making it easy for me at all.” I blinked my eyes hard.
“I’m so embarrassed girl, the nigga was hell of fine! Tall and broad, tattoos all over his sexy ass body with long ass dreads. That nigga told me to back up, he was trying to be nice about it at first until he flat out told me that my titties were hot and fucking humid!” She howled.
It sounded like Tammy started to choke off her own spit as she laughed even harder.
“He did not!” I chuckled out, stopping at a red light.
“Bitch he fuckin’ did, okay! Told me to go in the bathroom and clean myself up.
I felt slighted as fuck. I wanted to get on his ass tough about them crusty, ugly ass dry cracked feet of his.
I just had to keep it real with myself though.
Plus, I needed the extra money this month for my rent girl.
Ain’t no future in my fronting, it’s not every day that I get a celebrity to add to my portfolio.
He tipped me a thousand and even gave me tickets to that music fest shit you going to with Mr. Cornball.
” Tammy’s voice was hoarse from talking so loud.
“I was in a room full of fine ass niggas. I swear I wanted to die and vanish right there when he told me that my situation was too close to him. Fine ass, cocky, dumb nigga! But you know what I did?” She asked voice dropping low.
“What you do, crazy ass girl.” I giggled.
“I went to that damn bathroom and took a hoe bath. I walked back in that bitch smelling like eucalyptus and humiliation but still made my monies!”
My stomach hurt from laughing, but in the best way.
It felt good, better than good to laugh like this with my girl.
On top of that, I felt good stepping out of the house for something other than clocking into a job that drained me.
I glanced at my reflection in the rearview mirror and smiled a little.
Tonight, I actually put effort into myself.
I had on a soft black off-shoulder shirt that hugged just enough without making me feel too exposed.
My high-waisted jeans matched my shirt perfectly.
It cinched my waist and made my big stomach look smoother than it felt.
I paired everything with my black and white New Balance 9060’s, the one that never creased because I only wore them when I wanted to feel fresh.
I managed to press my thick hair out. I left the back down and curled at the bottom then slicked the rest up into a high ponytail with more defined curls. I felt present, like I belonged in my own life again. With the help of Tammy, she intensified my good mood.
With seasonal depression, it sometimes felt like I was at war with myself. I’d stare at everything that I considered imperfect on my body then tore my own self down. But whenever I was in a mood like today, I’d build my own self back up again and make myself feel fierce and satisfied with me.
“I love to see you smiling.” Tammy’s voice broke me out of my thoughts.
“I feel good girl, the past week was foggy for me. I found myself back in a ‘whoa is me’ mode and I hate when I get like that. Devin wasn’t making it no better.
To be honest, I feel our end coming soon.
I guess I’ve been preparing myself for the shit, instead of denying it and trying to work on whatever that probably don’t need working on. ” I admitted honestly.
“Girl, no! We don’t work on shit that ain’t worth fixing. Besides your up and down moods…you know that you the shit, Tavia. I ain’t just saying that shit cause I love you either.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“You are saying it because you love me.” I chuckled.
“Yeah whatever. I just hate when you get in those self-loathing moods. I be wanting to pop up on you and shake you by the shoulders for ignoring my damn calls.” Tammy sighed into the phone.
I felt bad because when I’d get into one of my moods, I found myself less in the mood to even talk on the phone. I would go completely in auto mode. Work, then home. It made me wonder if that was why Devin and I were in an awkward place in our relationship.
I quickly shook my head at that revelation. What I refused to do was blame myself. Although my happiness didn’t depend on him, he hadn’t brought any light into my world either. I was a fair person, that always acknowledged my flaws before I pinpointed flaws in others.
“Where’s Mr. Cornball?” Tammy asked.
My stomach shifted. I wished it was Tammy that I was meeting up with at this event and not Devin. I really hoped that he didn’t ruin my good mood today.
“I told him I’d meet him there. We not in a good place right now. I told him he needs to help pay rent and he wasn’t home when I got there last night. He probably won’t come back at all since I reminded him of what he needs to do as a man.” I said lowly, pursing my lips.
“Mmmhmmm… You look too cute to not be in a good mood. That nigga needs to step it up or move the fuck on. If he gets to acting weird, I’ll come up there and turn up with you. We can go to this bomb after hour spot I found last weekend.”
“I’ll let you know girl. Devin so weird though, if he ruins tonight…I’m going to break things off. I done got too comfortable with him anyway.” I admitted.
“And that is something I won’t sit up on this phone and deny to you.” Tammy chimed in and agreed smoothly.
“I know.” I whispered.
“Cause the old you, would get rid of a nigga fast no matter how much you digging them. You used to be Mrs. Switch A Nigga Out Fast. I don’t know why you’ve been stagnant with his ass.” She smacked her lips.
“Change is coming soon. We will see how tonight goes though.” I stated more confidently.
“Alright babe, well enjoy the festival. Don’t be standing in no corner being all antisocial. Pop your damn shoulders or something.” She giggled.
“Pop my shoulders?” I laughed.
“Yes bitch, roll them bitches. Turn into Saucy Santana and make them big ol’ titties bounce! Don’t forget you used to be in the projects making that lil booty shake. Yo ass done got stiff with it.” She sucked her teeth.
“That’s when I used to smoke. I had to quit in order to get this stupid ass call center job.” I rolled my eyes pulling into the packed parking lot.
“About that, hopefully I can change that for you one day… I been getting more celebrities lately. I can refer them to you. That’s why I keep telling you to make an Instagram with some of the high-end events you’ve done. I swear you keep putting everything off.”
“Tammy I just pulled up, let me call Devin and tell him I made it.” I quickly changed the subject.
“Yeah okay, whatever. Have fun, be safe and text or call if you need me.” Tammy hung the phone up.
I sighed, relieved. Sure, I had hopes and dreams for myself.
I never wanted to work at the job I was working right now but I had too in order to survive and stand on my own.
I had several completed romance books that I’ve written.
I also did events for people, designing their small weddings, making them look expensive.
I loved event planning and making someone’s dream become their reality.
When my brother died, I mourned in a different way. I suddenly felt like California was too small for me to live in. Everything reminded me of Justin. We were close; besides Tammy he was like my best friend as well. I still randomly cried over him. My brother was a huge part in my sullen moods.
Tammy held me accountable; she reminded me of all the things that I said I wanted to do but put on hold.
I shot Devin a quick text then checked my face before stepping out of my car. I inhaled deeply then gave myself a positive pep talk. Things were awkward with Devin and I. I hated the way things were because besides him being a momma’s boy, he used to be actually fun to be around.
The crowd grew louder the closer I got to the entrance. I could feel the bass, hear people laughing, as bright lights flashed off metal barricades. I spotted Devin before he saw me, and my good mood dipped the second I realized that his ass wasn’t alone.