Chapter 4
RAELYN
Mondays were rough. Not just for me, but for the boys, too.
It always seemed that if something was going to go wrong, it would go wrong on a Monday.
And it usually happened first thing. One of the boys would forget about a project that was due, or they’d wake up sick, or I’d have early duty that I’d forgotten all about and make us all late.
Today was no different.
I hadn’t slept well and was having one of my headaches, and Lucas was complaining of a stomachache. Thankfully, my dad was able to come to our rescue. He brought me one of my favorite coffees and offered to spend the day with Lucas.
To my surprise, I actually made it to work a little early, and I was able to sort through the last of the returned books. I was about to put them back on the shelf when Liv, the STEM teacher and a dear friend, stepped into the library.
Liv was a good bit younger than me, short, and just about as wide as she was tall.
She had the most beautiful strawberry-blonde hair and freckles and the most contagious smile I’d ever seen.
She was fun and a little silly, always dancing around like she had a secret no one else knew, and yet, she was the most organized, most prepared teacher in the entire school.
She scurried over to me with her lips pressed together and excitement in her eyes. As soon as she was close, she announced, “I have tea!”
“Okay, spill it.”
“We’re about to lose two good ones.”
“Define good ones…” I dropped my hands to my side and whined, “Because if you mean the ones who actually send their kids back with their library books, I might cry.”
“Well, then you might want to break out a box of tissues.”
“You gotta be kidding me.”
“No joke.” Liv glanced over her shoulder, making sure no one could hear as she said, “Lainey is putting in her resignation as we speak, and Melissa is submitting hers at the end of the month.”
“Lainey is leaving?”
“Yep. She’s decided she wants to stay home with the baby.
” She sighed dramatically. “I’m so freaking jealous…
Do you know how bad I want to stay at home and watch my babies?
I could stay in my comfy pants all day, go to the bathroom whenever I wanted, and eat whenever I got hungry. It would be a dream.”
“Yeah, there’s just one problem.”
“I know. I know. I don’t have any babies, but one day…”
“Most definitely.” I took a sip of my coffee before asking, “So, what’s the story with Melissa?”
“No story. She’s just tapping out.” Liv shrugged. “It’s crazy. She’s been here longer than anyone. I thought she’d never leave, but I guess she’s finally had enough.”
“I can’t really blame her. All the testing is overwhelming. I thank the good Lord every day that I don’t have to deal with that nonsense.”
“Isn’t that the truth, and it doesn’t help matters that our pay sucks.” Liv shook her head. “You know, I heard her son went to work straight out of high school and is already making more than her.”
“Now, that would hurt my feelings.”
“It hurts mine. I hate living check to check, but it’s a job.”
“And you’re really good at it.”
“And you’re the best librarian on the planet.”
“You say that now.” I cocked my brow. “It won’t be long before I have to start the end-of-the-year audit, my very own, personal Hunger Games, where I have to hunt down the three hundred books that mysteriously vanished.”
“Ah, the joys of the librarian.”
“It’s crazy. I’ve been doing this for almost twenty years, and I still don’t understand what happens. The kids are good all year about returning them, but when the last few weeks of school come around, they suddenly lose all sense of responsibility.”
“Just mark them lost.”
“I can’t!” I wailed. “The district is so damn tight. I won’t have any books unless I find them, so I do what I gotta do. I go to each and every classroom, and I hound the kids and the teachers until someone coughs up my book.”
“It’s like spirit week, but with more tears.”
The words had barely left her mouth when the library door creaked open. Silence fell over the room when CeeCee stepped inside with her perfect bun, fitted dress, and her “don’t speak to me” expression. She glanced over at us, only for a second, and then she continued toward the copier room.
Liv, being Liv, couldn’t let her get away without saying, “I hear congratulations are in order.”
Cee stopped dead in her tracks, let out a slow breath, and muttered something under her breath before turning to face Liv. A sharp smirk tugged at her lips as she replied, “Well, I was hoping to keep things under wraps for a little while longer, but oh, well. What can you do?”
I didn’t look at her.
I couldn’t.
I was afraid I would lash out and say something I shouldn’t. It would’ve been easy. A dozen snide comments were sitting right there on the tip of my tongue, petty little things that would’ve hurt her and given me a small taste of vengeance, but I kept them to myself. I always kept them to myself.
Unlike me, Liv wasn’t afraid to say what was on her mind. She crossed her arms as she sassed back, “Well, the struggle is real, especially when you have as many secrets as you do.”
That little zinger gave my heart an extra beat, and I had to bite back my smile. CeeCee’s gaze flickered over to me, and for half a second, her expression changed, and she looked at me like she used to, like she was my best friend needing a shoulder to lean on.
But in a blink, that softness faded, and her back stiffened. She turned her attention back to Liv and grumbled, “Maybe if you girls had a life of your own, you wouldn’t be so obsessed with mine.”
Before Liv had a chance to respond, CeeCee pivoted on her heel and marched toward the copier room. She opened the door, then glanced back at us and snapped, “I hope you ladies have the day you deserve.”
“Right back at ya, Hun.”
Seconds later, the door shut behind her, and Liv huffed, “The nerve of some people.”
“Um-hmm.”
“I still can’t believe you were such good friends with her.”
“Yeah, some days, I find it hard to believe, too.”
I swallowed, hoping it would ease the lump forming in my throat, but it didn’t budge. Fearing I might lose grip of my emotions, I whispered, “I’ll be right back.”
Before Liv could stop me, I turned and weaved through the tables until I reached the back office. As soon as the door clicked shut, the dam broke. I pressed my hand over my mouth, but the first sob came through loud and sharp. And once it started, there was no stopping it.
I’d held the tears all weekend. I refused to let myself break down in front of the boys, so I held it all in.
I’d planned to keep holding it in, but it was just too hard.
CeeCee was the one I would talk to about this, and I was the one she would talk to.
And now, we couldn’t stand to be in the same room with one another, much less share news.
It hurt more than I could explain and keeping it all bottled up was getting harder by the second.
I had to let it out, so that’s exactly what I did.
I didn’t hold back. I let the tears fall. I cried for every memory that hit me at the worst times. For every story told on lazy afternoons and the mornings when I woke up, reaching for someone who wasn’t there.
I cried for the loss of my best friend, the woman who once knew me better than anyone. The woman who shared her life with me. Now, her kids live with her ex, and we rarely see them anymore.
I missed them.
My kids missed them. The whole thing was such a stupid mess.
My back hit the wall, and I slid down until I was sitting on the hard floor. Certain that Liv could hear me, I drew my knees up and buried my face in my hands. I let the grief have me for a moment, just a brief second, because I couldn’t keep pretending that I wasn’t hurting.
It had been two years since I had found that text message, and six months since the divorce. It had been long enough. I knew that. But there were times, like this, when it got to be too much. So, in the quiet of the office, surrounded by forgotten carts and old textbooks, I let myself fall apart.
I don’t know how long I sat there, crying my eyes out, but with each tear that fell, I felt a little lighter and the ache in my chest didn’t seem quite so crippling. I was just starting to feel like myself again when there was a tap at the door.
I sat upright and remained still, waiting to see if they knocked again.
And sure enough, there was another tap. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and stood, quickly straightening my clothes.
Liv had certainly gone back to class by now, so I was left wondering who was at the door.
There was another tap, followed by a soft voice asking, “Ms. Wallace? Are you in there?”
Recognizing the sweet voice as one of my favorite students, I cleared my throat before answering, “Yes, sweetheart. Just give me one second.”
After one more swipe under my eyes and a deep breath, I eased the door open, and when I stepped out, I found Kayla standing there with her sparkling tennis shoes and pigtails.
She was hugging her latest book against her chest like it was a prized treasure.
I wasn’t surprised. She loved reading books of all kinds, especially fairy tales.
She studied me for a moment, then announced, “I finished the book.”
“What did you think of it?”
“It was the best,” she answered with a smile. “I read it in like three days.”
“Well, that’s great. I’m so glad you liked it.” I placed my hand on her shoulder, guiding her to the fairy tale section. “Now, we have to find you something that’s just as good.”
She watched as I scanned the various spines, hunting for the perfect book for her. My nose was still running from crying, and I sniffled. Kayla tilted her head up at me with concern in her eyes. “Are you okay, Ms. Wallace?”
“Oh, I’m fine.” I forced a smile. “It’s just my silly allergies acting up.”
She accepted my answer with a simple nod and slipped her hand into mine, offering a little support, just in case. It was such a sweet gesture, and it actually worked. Having her there, searching for her next favorite read, gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in days.
It took a few minutes, but I managed to find Kayla a book I knew she would love, and once she’d checked it out, I followed her out to the hall. As I watched her hurry back to her class, I made a decision.
It was time to let it go.
All of it.
Dan and CeeCee had a life of their own now, and it was time I had the same.