Chapter 9
DRIFTER
I’d done it now.
I’d fucked up. I’d fucked up big, and I had no one to blame but myself. I’d asked for it when I went to that damn diner. I just never expected to like her the way I did. And hell, I liked her in every sense of the word.
I liked the way she talked, the way she looked, the way she smiled, and, most of all, the way she looked at me, like I was someone who mattered and not just some problem to be solved. She made me feel, and that was something I wasn’t used to. It was something I didn’t want.
Not after everything life had already taken from me.
And just like that, my mind drifted back to a different time, a different life, and I could almost see her smiling back at me as she cradled our boy in her arms. I was crazy about them. They were my whole world and losing them nearly took me out.
I’d sworn I’d never go through that kind of pain again, and I’d spent the last five years running from it. I couldn’t do it again. Besides, I wasn’t here to fall for some chick with two kids.
I was here to help my brothers deal with Coyotes, and once that was done, I would be back on the road.
That’s what I told myself as I drove out to Lake Maumelle.
I’d hoped a little wind therapy and sunshine would help shake the knot that had taken over my gut, but even after several hours, it was still there.
I finally gave up and headed back to the clubhouse.
By the time I pulled through the gate, the sun had already gone down, and most of the brothers had gone.
Those who remained were gathered in the bar.
When Preacher spotted me walking towards him, he cocked his brow and said, “I was beginning to think you bolted without giving us a chance to thank you.”
“Nothing to thank me for,” I replied, sitting down on the stool next to him. “I just did what any of you would’ve done.”
“Maybe, but none of us have spent the last five years being a drifter.”
“A drifter? Is that what we’re calling it these days?”
“It’s what we’re calling you. Seems like a good fit.”
“If you say so.”
“I made some calls.” He picked up his beer from the counter and took a long pull. “What you heard wasn’t just mouthing. The other charters are looking for a war.”
“Afraid of that.”
“It’s all kinds of fucked. The president here called and damn near begged me not to retaliate after his boys’ stunt at the Vault. He knew what we are capable of and didn’t want that kind of blowback, and now, this shit.”
“Sounds like there are conversations to be had.”
“Already on it.” Preacher didn’t look pleased when he said, “I reached out, but he didn’t answer. Left word for him to reach out, and he hasn’t. Don’t got a good feeling about it.”
I ran my hand over my beard before asking, “You got a plan?”
“Working on it.” Preacher’s tone went low as he confessed, “I’m hoping they come to their senses and drop this bullshit idea, but if they don’t, we’ll be ready.”
I wasn’t surprised by his response. Satan’s Fury had made a name for themselves and were known all over the country for having brothers who were loyal, smart, and could hold their own when provoked. And if someone made the mistake of crossing the line, they were a force to be reckoned with.
I’d fought alongside them on more than one occasion. I knew firsthand that they didn’t rattle easily, and if the Coyotes came looking for a fight, they’d find one. Fury wouldn’t back down. They would fight for their territory, their name, and most of all, for their family.
“If it’s alright with you, I’d like to stick around for a couple of weeks… just in case things go sideways.”
“You can stay as long as you want, brother,” Preacher replied without a second’s hesitation. “Storm or no storm, you can always consider this home.”
“Appreciate that, brother.”
“Always.” Preacher motioned his chin toward the bar. “You up for a beer?”
“Got anything stronger?”
“You know I do.” He reached under the counter and came up with a bottle of bourbon with no label, because the good shit never had one. “This suit you?”
“Yeah, that should do the trick.”
We claimed a couple of stools at the end of the counter, and other than a couple of guys half-assing a game of pool in the back, we had the place to ourselves. He poured us both a drink, and then another and another.
Talk came easy at first. We drank over old times and the crazy shit we used to get into.
Preacher filled me in on some of the changes in the club, new prospects and new rivals, and I told him what I knew about Stone and the boys back home.
Halfway through the bottle, Preacher let out a long exhale, and I knew he was gearing up to say something I didn’t want to hear.
“Sure was sorry to hear what happened to your ol’ lady and kid.” He cocked his head to the side, looking away from me as he added, “Can’t imagine how rough that had to be.”
The words hit harder than the bourbon. “Yeah… me, too.”
Preacher didn’t push. He just waited, calm and steady, until I finally told him, “They were everything to me, and when I lost ‘em… Hell, I didn’t think I was ever gonna get through it.”
“I get it. I lost Beckett a year or so back, and I held a lot of guilt over it. Hell, I still do.” He poured another shot and tossed it back before adding, “I’ve tried to put it behind me, but it hasn’t been easy.”
“Never is.”
“No, but I don’t figure you’re supposed to just walk away from something like that without a few ghosts following along.”
“The ghosts are rough.” I downed another shot and let the burn ease the knot in my throat. “Don’t have it in me to do that shit again… I’m steering clear of anything that has the power to wreck me like that.”
Preacher let out a low grunt, the kind you use when you hear insanity coming from someone else’s mouth. He cocked a brow and asked, “And how’s that been working out for ya?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?’
“Yeah, but you’re a shell of the man I knew five years ago.
” He didn’t bother treading lightly. He just came right out with it.
“I’m not one to issue unsolicited advice, especially when I ain’t got no right to give it.
You’re not one of my boys, but I’ve always thought a lot of you and what you’ve done for the Kansas City chapter…
Right now, you’re not living. You’re just going through the motions. ”
I didn’t respond. I knew anything I had to say would come out wrong, so I just kept my mouth shut and listened as he added, “From where I’m sitting, I’d say your penance has been paid. Hell, it was paid a long time ago.”
“I’ve heard all this before.”
“Don’t doubt that. But have you heard it from someone who carries the same guilt you carry? There were a hundred things I could’ve done differently. And if I had, maybe I could’ve saved my boy.”
Anguish marked his face as he said, ‘my boy,’ and I understood that pain better than anyone. It’s hard enough to lose someone you care about, but losing your own flesh and blood, knowing you could’ve stopped it, hits harder.
A hundred thoughts were going through my head, but I remained silent and listened as he continued, “Bet you feel the same about yours. Thing is, we both know we can’t go back. We just have to face the day ahead and try to be better. Better for them and better for ourselves. It’s what we owe ‘em.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Oh, it’s hard as hell, but it’s time you got back to living.”
“And what if I can’t?”
“You can… if not for yourself, do it for them. They wouldn’t want you living like this, brother. Nobody does.”
“I’m tired, Preach. I’m so… fucking tired.”
“I know you are, son.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and looked at me with emotion in his eyes. “But you can stop now. You can stop running, stop keeping everyone at arm’s length. Let yourself settle in and find some peace.”
“I don’t know if I have it in me to settle.”
“You have before. You can again… You’ve been alone long enough, brother.”
“I’m not looking for anything.”
“Don’t gotta be lookin’ to find it, brother.”
And just like that, Raelyn’s face flashed through my mind, soft and warm in a way I hadn’t seen in years. I poured another shot and tossed it back before quietly muttering to myself, “Damn. Damn. Damn.”
Preacher topped off our glasses one last time, then pushed back from the counter with a groan. “I better get out of here, or Tabitha’s gonna have my ass on a platter.”
“Can’t be having that.” When he brought her up earlier, I could tell Tabitha and her three boys meant a great deal to him, and I didn’t know a man better suited for them. “Hope I get to meet this ol’ lady of yours.”
“That can be arranged.”
“You good to drive?”
“Hell, no,” Preacher scoffed. “That’s what prospects are for.”
Right on cue, Smitty came rushing over with keys in his hands, eager as a damn puppy. “You ready to roll?”
Preach nodded, then stood and said, “We’ll talk more in the morning.”
“Sounds good.”
After a word with the guys in the back, Preacher and Smitty slipped out the door.
The bar seemed even more empty without his presence.
I sat for a moment, just staring at the half-empty bottle sitting on the counter in front of me and mulling over everything Preach had said.
It was a lot, and it wasn’t easy to hear. But it was true.
I poured myself one last drink, just enough to settle the thoughts running through my head, and I’d barely set the bottle down when I inhaled the soft scent of perfume.
I glanced over to my left and found a young woman sitting next to me with a wanton look in her eye. She was all legs and was scantily dressed, and she was eyeing me like she’d already decided how the night was gonna end. “Hi there, stranger. You up for some company?”
There was no mistaking the invitation. I knew what she was offering and how easy it would be to take her up on it. Maybe it was because of the bourbon, or maybe it was because loneliness was a mean bastard, especially when you’ve grown tired of sleeping in an empty bed, but I was actually tempted.
But then, I remembered Raelyn and the way she looked at me.
Of all the women, it had to be one who was divorced with two kids who caught my attention, and she wasn’t letting go.
And just like that, I shook my head and said, “Appreciate it, darlin’, but not tonight.”
She blinked with surprise. “You sure?”
“Afraid so.”
She gave me a little shrug before scanning the room for her next target. She hopped off the stool and walked off, leaving me with nothing but a burn in my throat and an odd tightness in my chest. It was time for me to call it a night, so I finished off my shot and made my way down the hall.
I walked into the dark, empty room, and the silence wrapped around me like a familiar blanket. But tonight, it didn’t feel the same. Tonight, it felt like I made a mountainous mistake. I dropped down on the bed and muttered, “Damn. What’s she doing to me?”
I didn’t have an answer.
And I wasn’t sure I wanted one.