Chapter 19 Taran #2
London didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “Actually, it’s been months since I last looked over my shoulder.
When I first got here … well, you were there, you saw me.
I had nightmares, couldn’t leave the house alone.
And I was just in a fight with myself. How had I let this happen?
How did it get that far? But being here, being someone you needed after your mom …
It helped me find a little piece of myself again.
I won’t ever be the same person I was, but I stopped hating myself.
I stopped hating him because he doesn’t get to do that to me too.
To make me an angry person. A bitter person.
To suck more energy out of me even when he’s not here.
I won’t let him win like that.” London shook her head determinedly.
I felt a surge of tender pride and admiration. Because I wasn’t sure how I would have reacted after surviving an abusive relationship. “You’re incredible, you know that?”
“I’m not. I … I’m one of the lucky ones, Taran, as stupid as that sounds. The worst of it didn’t start until we were months into the relationship and I only had months of the really bad shit before I got out. There are women, children, who’ve been locked in that hell for years.”
“It doesn’t lessen your experiences.”
“I know that. But you gotta have perspective, right? Tierney showed me that. She lost her parents in the most unimaginable way, and even through her grief, she fought. She fought knowing it could cost her everything, including her life, not just to bring her parents justice but … to live, Taran. To live. Not just to survive the future or exist in the past. To live. Now.”
The words hit me with such force, a shivery prickle of goose bumps rose across my arms. Emotion I’d kept locked at bay all day stung my nose.
“I’m trying. I really am. I feel safe and content here.
But then this happened.” She gestured to the room.
“And that bastard is my first thought. Did he find me? Is this a threat? Am I in danger? Are you in danger? How will I get away this time? Is this my life forever? Moving on, trying to forget, and then something happens to remind me that I’m not safe.
That I’m never safe. I don’t want to exist like that. I want to live.”
I blinked back tears and cleared my throat.
“You are, London. A moment of panic, of remembrance, doesn’t mean you’re not living your life.
You were right. What happened to you has changed you.
Just like losing Mum has changed me. It doesn’t mean we’re not living.
We’re just … different from who we were before.
It’s sad. We’re allowed to be sad about that. ”
London swiped away a traitorous tear. “I know you’re right. It’s just … I got a little too comfortable. Stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. I liked being too comfortable.”
“You’ll get there again. I’m sorry the break-in did that to you.”
She sniffed with a snort. “You’re sorry? Taran, I’m so sorry. Your mom’s jewelry …”
“It’s just things. All that matters is that we’re safe. Thanks to that bloody huge dead bolt Quinn put on the door.” I rolled my eyes.
London chuckled, just as I hoped she would. “Girl, you are so in trouble there. He is …” She flapped a hand in front of her face. “It’s hot when he gets all worried about you. And he doesn’t get all controlling with it. Green flags.”
“To make up for all the red ones he displayed when we were kids?”
She cocked her head in thought. “Were there a lot?”
I shrugged. “Who knows at this point?”
“Hey, it’s me. You don’t have to watch what you say with me. I’m not Cammie, I don’t have an agenda to make you forgive Quinn. How … how are you really feeling? He’s been in your orbit a lot lately.”
Realizing she was right and that I was suffocating alone in my thoughts, everything poured out of me.
I derived a great deal of relief telling London about the moment in the lifeboat station with Quinn.
“Now he wants a chance to tell his part of the story. And I … I need to know.” I grimaced.
“But I’m kind of terrified why I need to know.
I … and this stays strictly between you and me. ”
“Of course. I won’t tell a soul.”
“I’m still attracted to him.” I shrugged with more than a hint of bitterness.
“I think I’ll always have those feelings for Quinn.
There’s so much history between us. Yet he devastated me once, and I know he could do it again if I let him get too close.
So I’m in a quandary. Do I find out what I need to know?
Or do I take the safe road and forget our past and move on with clear boundaries between us? ”
London considered my question, taking her time before she responded. “I think … there will never be clear boundaries between you until you have all the information, Taran. If Quinn says there is a part of the story you’re missing … I think you need to hear it and make up your mind then.”
Strangely, her words lifted a heaviness from my shoulders. “Thank you.”
“Thank you.” She let out a shaky wee laugh. “What would we do without each other now?”
“I hope we never have to find out.”
“I’ve only got a year left on this work visa.” Her tone was teasing, but I saw the glimmer of worry there.
“Well, you’ll get an extension. And then maybe you’ll feel ready to date again and marry a handsome Scotsman so you never have to leave.”
London laughed for real now. “The pool here is kind of shallow. Plus, I’m not ready yet.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I think I’ve sworn off men for good. Hey, you could marry me for a visa,” I joked.
She snort-laughed. “We’ll see about the whole swearing off men thing first, Taran Macbeth. We’ll see.”
“I’ll make us more tea.” I stood up to change the subject and strolled out of the room. I spotted the mail on the side table in the hall. “Hey, when did this arrive?”
“What?”
“The mail.”
“Oh, the mailwoman saw me on the street and just handed it to me. It’s all for you.”
My attention snagged on the small envelope with the National Health Service stamp on it. I paused to open it quickly, and as my eyes washed over the letter, I felt shivery with fear.
“Everything okay?”
It was a referral letter to the genetic specialist, inviting me to undergo testing to see if I’d inherited the altered genes that made me high risk for breast cancer.
I shoved the letter into the back of the sideboard drawer. “Just junk mail,” I lied and hurried into the kitchen.