Chapter 43 Taran
Lòchran Dòchas Lighthouse sat on its own perfect peninsula north of Leth Sholas. The sun glowed against the dirty white paint of its brick exterior. Despite it only being a twenty-minute drive around the coast of Glenvulin, I hadn’t visited the lighthouse in nineteen years.
It perched on the Sound of Glenvulin and had been automated for decades.
The lighthouse keeper’s cottage was abandoned, derelict and in need of renovation.
The storm had brought a small tree down into the cottage’s garden, and there were leaves and debris everywhere.
Still, it was the only sign a storm had raged last night.
However, a tempest still raged inside me.
I was a coward, and I hated myself for it.
London was so worried about me, I couldn’t stay in the bungalow with her. I needed to get out. For some reason, my car brought me here.
The last time I’d visited the lighthouse was with Quinn. It was the summer before I left for Glasgow, and we’d gone on a long walk together one weekend. We’d stumbled upon a tourist proposing to his girlfriend at the base of the lighthouse, and we’d taken their photo for them.
The narrow road that led out to the building on its peninsula was covered in sand and stones from the surrounding coast. The waves must have crashed over this part of the shore last night, washing away and leaving debris behind.
I shuddered, staring out into now calm waters, imagining Quinn out there in that lifeboat. He was wrecked last night, and I knew despite his assurances that he’d been scared. Whatever happened out in that storm had been bad.
And you left him.
I squeezed my eyes closed, gritting my teeth against fresh tears. They were useless. I didn’t want to cry anymore!
The sound of a car engine made me groan. I’d just wanted somewhere peaceful, empty of humans, to indulge in a wee bit of self-reproach and loathing. Was that too much to ask?
Glancing over my shoulder to check who was disrupting my solitude, my breath caught at the sight of the familiar truck.
How the hell had he found me?
I turned around, bracing myself, pulse escalating quickly as Quinn parked next to my car and got out. The slam of his door was a forewarning to his mood, as were his tight expression and long, powerful strides.
“Seriously?” he yelled to me. “A text!”
There was no good reply to that, so I waited until he neared, stopping and keeping a distance between us that I was grateful for.
A strong breeze rushed across us suddenly, blowing my hair in my face. I shoved it back, meeting Quinn’s tortured, angry expression. “Well?”
“How did you find me?”
He shifted impatiently. “Annie was out walking. She saw you drive down the coastal road.”
“Why are you here?”
“I came here to make you face me when you tell me you don’t love me.” He practically seethed, bracing his hands on his hips. “Go ahead, Taran. Tell me you don’t love me and that’s why we’re over before we even restarted.”
“Quinn, you’re exhausted. I don’t want to do this with you right now. You should be home resting.”
“Aye. I should. But, see, I woke up thinking I would wake up to you, and for the second time in a week, you weren’t there. You skulked out and sent me a breakup text like a fourteen-year-old.”
That familiar panic was rising, tightening my chest like a vise. “What do you want from me, Quinn?” I gasped. “I told you before I couldn’t promise you that sex would lead to anything serious.”
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away.”
“I don’t love you!”
“I don’t believe you!”
I threw my hands up. “Well, there’s nothing more I can say.”
“I said, look me in the eye and say it. You looked away when you said it.”
Damn him.
Letting out a scream between gritted teeth, I spun away from him, staring up at the lighthouse.
“Why can’t you let go of the past, Taran?” His voice sounded nearer now. Pleading. Desperate. “The only way you’ll ever know what I know—that I will never, ever break your heart or leave you again—is if you give us a chance!”
I whirled around, the panic exploding out of me. “You can break my heart, Quinn! You can leave me!”
“I won’t. Taran—”
“You could die!” The truth released from me in a harsh sob.
“You could die, Quinn. You can’t promise me that won’t happen.
” I banded my arms around my waist, trying to squeeze all the grief back inside, but it wracked through me uncontrollably.
“I-I can’t g-go through it again. I ca-can’t lose you like I l-lost her. ”
I couldn’t see his expression through my tears, but suddenly I was in Quinn’s tight embrace, his hand clutching the back of my head, pressing my face to his throat.
“Mo luaidh.” His voice was gruff in my ear.
“Mo luaidh, no one can promise you that. You’re still grieving your mum.
The truth is you probably always will.” He kissed my temple as I tried to calm my tears.
“But you can’t live your life in fear of losing the people you love.
Because what’s the point in life without love, Taran?
I love you.” He pulled me impossibly closer.
“I can’t be happy without you, and I would risk losing you a thousand times over if it meant having just the smallest chance at forever with you. ”
That only made me cry harder, clinging onto him for dear life. Like he was a life raft.
And maybe he was.
“I love you so much, Quinn,” I whispered brokenly. “I love you so much that I’m scared to death.”
“Do you not think it scares me too? To love you as much as I do? But I can’t walk away from you. Be brave with me, Taran. Be brave with me. Please. Please.”
I wanted to be brave. Mum would be brave. I could almost hear her telling me that she’d give up everything for one more day with my dad.
If I pushed Quinn away now, something in me knew that he’d walk away for good. He would refuse to keep putting himself through this emotional torture. Especially for Heather and Angus. If I didn’t find some courage now, I would lose him forever.
The fear of that shook me to my core.
Be brave, sweetheart. Mum’s beautiful face flashed in my mind.
Okay, Mum.
I pulled back, meeting Quinn’s eyes. They were bright with tears. “I want to be brave with you, Quinn.”
“Yes.” He pressed desperately. “Taran …”
“I’ll be brave with you. Let’s … let’s try again.”
He bent his head, kissing me with all the relief and longing he felt. The salty taste of my tears only made him kiss me deeper. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sank into him, body and soul.
For years I’d been terrified of this. Fearful of the light that Quinn had brought into my life … because there was nothing but shadows when it went away.
His love was like a drifting dawn I’d been afraid to anchor to so it could transform into sunrise.
But I didn’t want to be afraid anymore.
The light was worth battling the fear.