9. Chapter 9
“Will you hold still?” Carmin fusses as she swipes a stick of blush across my cheek again before blending it with her fingers. Music blares from inside the club out into the dimly lit hall that seems just as crowded as the inside.
“I’m trying,” I whine. “I’m literally sweating.”
“You are not sweating,” Carmin says sharply as she points a finger at me. “Not with all the work I put in. You are too hot to sweat. Remember that.”
My hand comes over my stomach as a group of tall thin women whisks past us and into the club, immediately garnering the attention of the men nearby.
My arms come over my exposed midsection as my eyes dart back from where we came.
This isn’t me. I don’t have to do this. Who am I trying to prove myself to be anyway?
I look down at Carmin, who’s still fixing my hair. “I can’t do this.” My voice is almost too quiet to hear. “This was a bad idea. What am I even doing?”
“Stop it, you’ll be fine,” Carmin says, unfazed. But the beating in my chest only grows louder.
“Can we please just go?”
“Nope.” Carmin steps back to admire her work before looking up at me. “I put in too much time and energy just for you to take it all off in five minutes. I know you’re nervous, but this is your shot. No more excuses, no more cowering, no more self-loathing. You can do this.”
Shaking my head, I rest my back against the wall, hoping to steady myself. “What if it goes wrong?”
“Then it goes wrong, and you move on with your life.” She takes my hands, giving them a firm squeeze. “Ginny, you are so beautiful, and you are kind. Any man, including Justin, can see that. Keep your head up, and let’s get in there and show everyone what you got.”
I draw in a deep breath and shut my eyes. Justin did message me earlier, saying that he was waiting at the bar, and I did work up the nerve to ask him here in the first place. All I have to do is go inside. Just pick up my feet and go inside…
You can do this.
Nodding to Carmin, she pulls me forward and adjusts my top one more time before reminding me to pull my shoulders back and put some sway in my hips.
It felt so stupid in the suite, but walking into the club, I can sort of feel the personal power she swears it gives you.
As I slowly make my way through the crowd of people, it grows exponentially as eyes fall on me, and a few women compliment my outfit and makeup.
The stride in my steps emboldens as I finally see the bar and Justin’s golden hair and smile come into view.
His eyes lock with mine, and I bite down on the inside of my cheek to keep my cool.
I never take my eyes from him, but his linger down my frame, taking me in the way I’ve only seen in my head.
Thank you, Carmin.
He sips at his drink slowly before dropping the glass back down to take in all of me.
The tip of his tongue grazes his bottom lip before his mouth purses slightly, and my eyes track every movement.
The way he leans on the bar, the tight fabric of his pants, and the muscles of his biceps all come together to form the Holy Trinity of a more than confident man.
When I’m finally close enough to hear him, I try my hardest to suppress the innocent yet cheerful puppy dog look for one of more seduction.
According to Carmin, a slight smolder and a hint of mystery work every time, and I do it well.
“You made it,” Justin yells over the music before handing me a drink. I have no clue what the hell it is, and I hate dark liquor, but it’s the thought that counts.
Taking a cautious sip, I try my best to keep a straight face as it burns and twists my insides. “Wow, that’s strong,” I say, my voice more hoarse than I intended.
“Good, right?” Justin grins with anticipation, and it almost hurts to lie as I nod.
I keep a smile as I set the drink on the bar.
If I’m going to do this, I want a clear mind, especially given what happened last time I was at a club.
I nudge away the sickening thought as I move to Justin’s side, overlooking the sea of people in front of us.
Carmin’s managed to slip away without notice, leaving me to keep myself afloat, although I know she’s watching.
I take in a deep breath as I remind myself that the twisting in my gut is only temporary. “I’m so glad you decided to come out tonight. It kind of surprised me when you said yes.”
“Of course I would,” Justin says, almost amused. “Plus, I was getting a little bored of the plans Elijah was coming up with, no offense.”
“None taken.” I chuckle as I pinch the pad of my ring finger soothingly. Elijah is pretty mundane and repetitive these days. Maybe that’s what happens when you’re happy and ready to settle down with all the excitement you need. I wonder if Justin would get that way.
Now or never.
I move in closer to him, bringing my mouth to his ear in a sultry voice. “Dance with me.”
I gingerly slide my hand down Justin’s forearm before grabbing his hand and tugging him from the bar, careful not to break eye contact with soft intensity.
Guiding us to the dance floor, the music turns erotic as the lights flash green and red around us.
I’d planned to push through the crowd a little further, but found myself stuck as a group blocked my path and because I could feel my body beginning to vibrate.
Maybe I should have pre-gamed as Carmin suggested back in my suite.
Shutting my eyes as hard as I can, I take in a deep breath as I try to force away the unwanted thoughts and voices telling me it’s not too late to turn around.
Bodies push into me, but mine remains frozen as my breath draws more shallow with each inhale, my heart suffering the load as it triples in speed and the pounding deafens me.
Justin’s hand squeezes mine enough for me to turn back toward him, hoping that my face doesn’t give me away.
“Are you alright?” he asks, his voice sounding more distant than it should.
I try what I think is a smile. “I’m… umm…” My eyes dart around me as the music sounds more like thunder vibrating through me. The crowd grows thicker, their sounds mocking as it swallows me, and my hand slips from Justin’s. “I need to find the bathroom.”
I don’t check to make sure he’s heard me before I begin shuffling and shoving my way to the other side of the club, mumbling apologies to others and myself as I find my way to the restroom door.
All the while, my heart hammers in my chest so hard I can feel the pressure of it behind my eyes.
Surprisingly, there was no line, and a stall opened up as soon as I stumbled inside, regretting my choice in heels.
A stall door opens, and I push my way inside, slamming my hands against the door before locking it—holding steady to the walls on either side of me to steady myself.
“I’m okay,” I whisper to myself, my eyes shut tight. My body still vibrates with anticipation, and I shift from one foot to the next, slowly rocking myself. “You’re okay. Just breathe.”
Taking in slow, deliberate breaths, I look at the stalls around me as I begin naming off five things I can see.
A fake nail lying near the base of the toilet, a random hair tie, a roll of toilet paper, the ghost of someone’s shadow as they walk past, a forgotten lipstick that rests on top of the toilet paper holder.
I pick it up carefully, admiring the color and the packaging before resting a hand back on the cool surface of the stall wall.
My fingers run over the lock on the door before my hands find the roll of toilet paper.
I hear a girl right outside of my stall sigh as she complains about the lack of hot men on such a huge ship.
Another girl laughs in agreement while the click of heels quickly enters the stall next to me.
The smell of a sugary perfume wafts over the smell of alcohol and a night to remember, with or without regret.
My tongue runs over my lips, the cherry flavor of my lip gloss bringing in a familiar comfort.
My hand comes over my heart as I let out one more deep breath, recognizing the steadiness it’s found once again.
A voice slightly startles me as it comes from over the stall door. “Gina?” Carmin knots softly.
“Yeah.” My voice, pitchy and unfamiliar, rings out in confirmation of her suspicion.
“You okay? Tell me what I can do.”
Shaking my head, I tug at the chain of my necklace, playing with the pendant between my fingers. “It’s okay, I’m fine.”
“Justin said you practically ran in here. Can you open the door, please?”
Pursing my lips, I curse myself because I know I can’t hide in here forever, no matter how much I want to. My stomach has yet to settle despite my heart rate finally coming down. I unlock the door and allow Carmin to slide inside beside me, the space tightening around us.
“What happened?” Carmin searches my expression, and I try to hide the fear behind them.
I shrug. “I just needed a moment. This is… It’s new for me. And with the people, the music, it’s a lot. I thought this would be fun, less pressure, but I just—I don’t know.”
Carmin’s hands rest on my shoulders as she gives them a gentle squeeze. “I see. We can leave if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”
“No.” The response surprises her just as much as it surprises me. “I mean, I want to do this. It’s hard, is all. Sometimes I get this sinking feeling that everything is doomed—set up against me—and I’m living in a nightmare I created and can’t end.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Carmin pulls me in for a hug that I return with need. “I understand, and I’m so sorry. What can I do?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. You checking in is more than enough.”
“Good, but are you positive you want to go back out there? I’m cool with a movie night and raiding the candy shop on the third deck.”
“I’m sure.” My stomach protests with small stirs, but I don’t have any other choice. I can’t hide forever. “Let’s go.”