Chapter 12 #3
“I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been,” he said. “Eleanor and I lost our dad about five years ago now, but I was well into my thirties. Plus, I had both my sister and my mom. I still do. Going through it when you were barely an adult… I’m just really, really sorry.”
“Loss is never easy,” she said with the simple wisdom of someone who had faced too much of it.
“But yeah, it knocked me off course. Any budding friendships I might have been making at college died under the chaos of that horrible year. I mean, I don’t blame anyone.
I didn’t know how to handle losing a parent at eighteen.
I just didn’t have any choice in the matter.
And it wasn’t as though I was being super mature and open about my feelings either.
I just withdrew, and those would-be friendships petered out. ”
“You can’t blame yourself for trying to protect yourself either, though,” he argued.
She gave him an appreciative look.
“I don’t… or at least not anymore, I don’t.
But still. Thanks for saying it.” She sniffed a little.
“I really didn’t mean to get so deep into things, but, anyway, yeah.
I backtracked. My mom had always been my safe space.
That’s how moms are supposed to be and she was one of the best. So, when she died, I didn’t really know how to feel safe in any new relationships.
Losing my dad only made it worse. And I certainly didn’t feel good about looking to my peers for that support, since I’d only ever found hardship in that direction… ”
Her smile grew a little wistful.
“This was my parents’ couch, actually,” she said, gesturing at the squat piece of furniture on which they sat. “I can remember my mom buying it for our new house when we moved. She looked for forever… and still ended up with this ugly thing,” she said, laughing.
“I wouldn’t say ugly,” Shane ventured, then hesitated when Winnie raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, okay, it isn’t great.”
“’Shabby chic,’ my mom called it,” Winnie reminisced.
“She felt very cutting edge. My dad hated it, but, like I said, he loved my mom, so he never said anything about it. She was a stay-at-home parent, and I can still picture her sitting here, reading a book, waiting for me to come home from school. I don’t know why, because she obviously changed her clothes every day like a normal person, but I always picture her in this one soft, pink, oversized sweater she had.
It was cashmere; my dad had gotten it for her for their anniversary one year, and she loved it.
I would come home, and she always had a great snack waiting for me, and we’d curl up and read together while I ate it before I started my homework.
About half the time though, we’d get distracted by talking about something or other… ”
She trailed off, with a fond, distant smile.
“She sounds amazing,” Shane said.
“She was,” Winnie agreed. “She was so open with people too. She was not the kind of mom who would ever be disappointed in me for having feelings, since she was so encouraging, but I do like to think that recently, I’ve managed to be a little more like her.
A little braver, when it comes to letting people in. ”
Shane felt a warmth inside him that could only be pride.
“I think she would be impressed,” he said. “I didn’t know her, obviously, but I don’t have to. Anyone can see that you’re impressive.”
Winnie blushed a little at that.
“Thanks,” she said shyly.
“And…” He hesitated, not certain if she wanted to just express herself or if she wanted help. After all, his last bit of ‘help’ was lying broken on the floor. “Or, wait, do you want my perspective on it?”
“Yes,” she said immediately, eagerly.
“Okay,” he went on, “so, my situation is different, obviously, since it’s more professional than anything else, but…” He paused, considering how to phrase this, and Winnie waited with the same patience that he had tried to offer her while she told her story.
“I did not want to come to Magnolia Shore,” he said at last. “My sister must have suggested it like twenty times before I agreed to come.”
Winnie tilted her head. “Why not?”
This part was harder to put into words.
“I guess I thought I could just muscle through it. Or, no, that’s not it, not exactly.
I guess what it really felt like was that coming here was admitting that there was really something wrong with my job.
It meant admitting to myself that it wasn’t just one client or just one task that was getting to me.
It meant admitting that my job, or any job in tech, really, might not be a good fit for me anymore.
And that meant basically reimagining my whole sense of self.
Being ‘the tech guy’… that’s been how I’ve defined myself since I was a teenager, basically. ”
She nodded, considering.
“But I did it,” he said. “And the rewards were pretty much immediate. It’s still a journey, obviously. I don’t know what I want to do for work for the next couple of decades, after all.”
She gave him a teasing look, infusing some much-needed levity into their conversation. He didn’t mind having a heavy conversation. He’d actually found that he liked getting a deeper look at what made Winnie tick. But he also felt good about having the mood lighten a little.
“You mean your self-help book didn’t immediately solve everything?”
“Sadly, no,” he confessed. “But I’m getting this time with my sister. I’m slowly working my way through everything they offer at Honey Bee Bakery. And…” He felt a little shy about this last part, although he chastised himself for it. “I’m getting to know you. And that feels pretty great.”
She bit her lip, showing that she too was feeling some of that shyness.
“My point,” he added, “is that honesty, openness, and vulnerability are good things, but they’re not easy things. I struggled to take the leap. I get that you did too. But you also did it. You are still doing it. So maybe just… trust the process.”
“By which you mean don’t sabotage my new friendships by picking up my old ‘ice queen’ routine?” she asked wryly.
He laughed. He had a hard time imagining Winnie as an ice queen, no matter what she’d told him about her past.
“Basically, yeah,” he said. “You said that my sister and Diana stuck up for you with the bullies. Maybe, metaphorically speaking, you now get to do the same. Make a little bit of a gesture that’s more than just being kind. Show them how you really feel. Or, better yet, tell them.”
She thought this over, then nodded.
“You are pretty darn wise, Shane Ridley,” she said after a moment. “You should consider putting ‘life coach’ on that list of potential careers of yours.”
He chuckled. “I’m not sure that’s going to be where I end up, but I do appreciate the vote of confidence.” He looked over at the poor cornhole boards one more time. “Especially since I don’t think carpentry is going to make the cut.”
“Yeah, I would cross that one off,” she agreed.
“But…” He did jazz hands just to make her laugh and was pleased when it worked. “Like I said, I’m a whiz at computers. Want me to help you brainstorm and maybe work on some publicity?”
She beamed. “Yeah, that would be amazing! Okay, wait, let me go get my notes… and some snacks, maybe. My mom would have said that you always need snacks after you’re sad.”
“You did say she was a wise woman.”
Winnie quickly produced some cheese, fruit, and crackers, and they nibbled happily on these for a while before deciding that they both needed something sweeter than the raspberries she had on hand.
They made a quick sojourn over to Harvest Grocery Store to purchase some chocolate ice cream and, on impulse, a bottle of red wine.
They worked later into the night than Shane realized, sharing the treats between them, but by the end of their time spent huddled together over Winnie’s laptop, they had a decent plan in the works for a carnival-type event to benefit the historical society.
Each event, Winnie explained, would both provide fun for all ages and share something interesting about local history.
“Some of the carnival games from back in the day were… not so nice,” she admitted with a grimace. “There was a lot of jeering at people just because they were different. Obviously, we will not be including that part.”
“Wise,” he agreed.
“But,” she went on, “there are definitely some things that we can bring to the present. And then it’s learning, fun, and funds for the society.”
“Did you steal my pun?” he demanded.
“Yes,” she admitted, totally unrepentant. “I absolutely did.”
He found that he didn’t mind, not in the least.
They worked together for a little while longer, each cheerfully shooting out any ideas that crossed their minds while Winnie made a list of possibilities.
“My brain is too fried to narrow these down tonight,” she said eventually, closing her laptop and pushing it away.
It had grown rather late, Shane realized with a little jolt of surprise. Whoops. So much for telling Eleanor he wouldn’t be out long.
“I should get out of your hair,” he said to Winnie, feeling a little reluctance. It had just been really, really nice to spend this time with her, even if they had spent so much of it working.
As he drove himself home, he thought about the way Eleanor had talked about the quiet nights at home with Garrett. He wondered what it would be like if he had his own person who felt like a missing piece. He thought that it would probably be really, really wonderful.