Chapter 7 #2
Athens spoke first. “As in, our careers or…”
Godwin bit his lip before throwing both his hands over his mouth. “Oh, God. No. Never mind. Forget I said anything. More wine? How was the food? We can discuss business in my office if you’d prefer…”
“I had a wife once.” Dariel blurted out, eyes glued to the candle wax. No one spoke, but he knew they were both listening.
“Annette. We married young and bought a small cottage with money we’d both saved up, with some help from her parents. She was everything to me, and I mean everything.”
‘Oh, Dariel, you don’t have to…’
Dariel filled his lungs, gaze still distant.
“I loved her with every fibre of my being. With Annette, I was invincible. She never talked me down, never judged me, never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to, and I did the same for her.
We went everywhere together—had our whole life planned out. ”
‘The darkness, Dariel. I can see shadows.’
Dariel closed his eyes, forcing bravado into his voice and shoving all the whirring thoughts down as deep as he could. Don’t stop. You can’t stop now.
“When she died, I thought I’d never speak to another human again.
I thought I would be going behind her back, keeping secrets from her.
Anything I did without her felt like I was lying to her.
I suffered with my own mind for years. In a way, these thoughts may never leave…
but after a while, I thought about what she would think if she saw me being the way I was.
Unhappy. Miserable. Forcibly alone.” Dariel finally looked up, locking eyes with Athens, whose own eyes were glistening.
“I started to experiment with fashion. Started raiding charity shops and putting together outfits I felt good in. I had this confidence rise in me for the first time in years. I mean, at first I was too embarrassed to leave the house in them, afraid of what people might think, and it took me a while to get out of that mindset, but over time I told myself there was no more use in hiding. I will admit, being in the public eye has given me a lot more protection than many other people like me, so I will not say it’s easy, but it’s not us who must change, it’s other people. ”
Athens slowly nodded; Godwin didn’t move.
“I have been with both men and women in my lifetime. I heard the whispers, I endured the pain, but they never stopped me from being who I was. How could they? There is nothing wrong with me.”
‘There is nothing wrong with you at all, Dariel Hale. You are a marvel.’
“My family disowned me after I came out,” Athens started.
“They thought I carried the devil in me, and the only way to rid their household of evil was to banish their own flesh and blood onto the streets. My own little sister began making up disgusting rumours about me and essentially cast me out of the entire village. Love thy neighbour and all, what a load of bollocks.”
‘I’m so sorry, Athens.’
‘Don’t be. It was their loss.’
“I moved away and stayed in and out of my friend’s flat for over a decade.
I got jobs here and there, did what I could, and found my own apartment, but then I had a bunch of medical expenses.
I kind of needed someone with me through the various processes, so she insisted I stayed with her until I could live alone again.
She encouraged me to start my own business, the dream she knew I’d had all my life.
So I did. I worked and worked, and eventually I started my own company.
Everything fell into place. Everything happens for a reason, right?
Well my life couldn’t have gone any better.
I didn’t have to do any of the hard work of leaving, my family did that for me.
You could say I found it quite easy to be myself, but others might not see it the same way. ”
Dariel accidentally placed his wine glass atop a spoon and made a clattering sound.
“Was that what you meant, Godwin?” Athens asked softly, undistracted.
They both watched Godwin’s throat bob, his eyes darting between the pair of them.
“Oh dear. I…” He fidgeted with his hands on the table, uneasy.
“I suppose that might have been a bit much,” Dariel said.
Godwin shook his head. “Oh no. I am grateful you shared your stories. I can only apologise for encouraging you to share if you were perhaps not expecting to.” He kept looking at them both as if observing a tennis match.
“Are you…” Dariel started, but Godwin broke him off.
“I am a gay man. Yes. I’m... Wow. I…”
“It’s okay, whatever you wish to say will stay in this room, right Dariel?” Athens said.
Dariel nodded. “Of course. We wouldn’t have shared such personal stories with a stranger if we did not feel comfortable in your presence.”
More than comfortable. How did this happen so fast?
“I have not forgiven myself for what I did. I never will. I…”
“Again, we cannot really judge, after all, we all only met for the first time this evening. If you wish to get something off your chest, you have the best company to do so with. You’re sitting in a room with two people like yourself.”
Godwin nodded his head towards Athens.
‘He’s crying.’
‘What? Really?’
‘Almost.’
Dariel scratched his head.
‘Quite an evening this is turning out to be, hey?’
“I was born into wealth. It is all I’ve ever known.
Summers in one home, winters in another.
My only obligation in life was to carry on the family name and make my parents proud.
” Godwin straightened his back. “I have both brothers and sisters, older and younger, so I never believed the expectations put upon me would ever be truly enacted. I knew from my teens I did not like women, not in the way my brothers did. I thought perhaps it was just a temporary issue with my brain, a delayed response, but as I grew older, I found the feeling was not going away. I wanted to sleep with men, I wanted them in my bed, but I never wished to marry or to become romantically involved with anyone… it made no sense to me. I thought perhaps I was wired wrong.”
It had begun to rain outside again, and the wind battered at the large panes to the right of the room, branches scraping and tapping. They let him continue, no interruption necessary.
“In my twenties, I met a man. It was the early seventies, what we both wanted wasn’t just frowned upon, it had not long even been made legal.
I’d grown up knowing our very existence was a criminal offence.
But we both wanted the same things. Sex, and friendship.
Nothing more, nothing less. We managed to keep our engagements secret for years.
We made it work, understood it could end at any point, but we were happy.
We satisfied each other’s needs perfectly.
We didn’t require anything else from each other.
I thought I was the luckiest man on earth—to have not only found a truly incredible partner, but also a friend who understood I could not and did not experience any sort of romantic attraction.
He didn’t expect anything from me.” Godwin’s gaze grew distant with the memories.
“Then my brother caught us. I never did get on with my eldest brother, but I will never forgive him for what he did. Even though what was to come was entirely my fault.”
Still, neither Dariel nor Athens spoke. Phantom hands tightened their grip on Dariel’s lungs.
“He told my whole family, even exaggerated and twisted what he’d witnessed to make me out as a true monster.
I was immediately given a choice: leave him and repent—to force him away and never see him again, or be cut from the family entirely.
My money and name would be stripped from me.
As you can see,” he gestured around to the room, “Godwin Peters chose greed.”
Godwin closed his eyes and sighed. “So here I am. I chose this, this was the life God planned for me, and here I sit confessing to two strangers after eating my favourite meal as if it is not something that kept me up at night for decades. As if I am still loved by everyone related to me. I know now I am perhaps not broken, and you gents have helped solidify that to me, but it is too late for me to do anything about it.”
“It’s not your fault,” Dariel asserted.
“Oh, but it is, my dear. I chose this house and my own family name over the life I truly wanted for myself. I chose the worst option, and my family still won’t even talk to me, and thus, this is my penance.”
“A life of solitude? A life of staying away from everyone as punishment? You could have gone back to him! What was his name? I’m sure I could find him, I…” Athens’ sudden burst of seriousness shook the room. He’d stood up, hands firmly on the table.
Godwin cut him off with a raised hand, eyes glistening in pain. “I believe he found himself a partner not long after I left him. We were never romantic, but I believe he found his romance and is in fact very happy now.”
“Yet you are not,” Athens stated, firmness still present, though he did not sound like he was shouting at Godwin that time, more shouting for him. He sat back down.
Godwin didn’t respond.
‘He’s more than not happy. His whole life has been modelled around one mistake.’
‘I’m not quite sure I know what to do.’
‘I think we need to help him.’
And I think he asked us here for that exact reason. Dariel couldn’t shake the feeling. He chose to trust his gut.
“Godwin. Why did you invite us here?” he asked, stoically.
“Well I…” Godwin swallowed, adjusting his glasses. “I told you, for designing my…”
“Why are we really here, Godwin?” Dariel tried again.
Godwin abruptly stood and clattered back over to his alcohol cabinet.
Athens scowled in confusion then turned to face their host, Dariel doing the same.
Godwin rummaged for a while, bending down on his knees that subsequently cracked as he did so.
He reached to what appeared to be another door inside the cabinet, hinges squeaking, and a small light beaming.
A mini fridge perhaps? They watched him sigh and drop his head into his hands, muttering to himself.
‘What is he doing?’
‘I’m concerned.’
Dariel raised to stand. “Everything okay, Godwin? Mr Peters?”
The human did not respond.
“Honestly, I’m a bit full of wine, we don’t have to…” Athens started, standing up and beginning to wander over to Godwin.
Then the older man raised slowly, holding up a dark bottle.
The sinking sensation began then, though it took Dariel a further few seconds before his brain caught up.
Godwin’s eyes were red as he stepped back towards the table, the unlabelled bottle grasped firmly in his hands. He took in a deep breath, and neither Dariel nor Athens moved; Dariel noting Athens’ tense body.
Godwin nodded to himself before he spoke, twisting the bottle cap.
“Time to crack out the good stuff!” It almost didn’t sound like the man at all. Godwin’s heart racing too fast for a healthy pace. He was trembling. Eyes forced wide.
‘Dariel.’
‘I know. I don’t…’
“Dariel, your glass?” Godwin turned to him, and if he were not already dead, Dariel would have collapsed with fear.
He stayed silent, eyes fixed to the bottle.
‘It’s human.’
‘I know. I…’
It was a bottle of human blood.
‘He knows.’