CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX “In Too Deep” #3
“But something’s missing,” he said, forcing me to look his way. “You wonder what it would be like if we were together, if we had gone further. You still want the fairytale, but it’s mine to give you, and I can’t give it to you if you’re with the wrong fucking prince.”
“I’m not,” I said breathlessly.
“Stella, we aren’t finished and you know it. You’ve always known it.”
“Why are you doing this? We don’t know each other anymore.”
“I know you aren’t yourself, not the version you want to be. This housewives shit is only going to take you so far, and then what?”
“I grew up, my dreams changed.”
“To match his,” he retorted confidently. “Don’t marry him, Stella. You don’t belong to him. I scare you and that’s good. Do it scared, remember? You were always so quick to believe in me without reason. I’ll give you as many as you need. I’m right here, Stella.”
His words struck deep as I gasped out his name. “Please, don’t.”
“I love you,” he said, releasing me before he slid his thumb across my bottom lip. “I think about you every time I play. Every single day, I take you with me wherever I go.”
Anger and hurt surged through me as I shook my head. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to come here after years—”
“I couldn’t make promises then, Stella. I had nothing—less than nothing—and inside I felt like I was constantly on the spin cycle. I couldn’t stop spiraling. I couldn’t tell you this then. You were scared enough just starting out, and I was so damn desperate.”
It was the truth. He had been in no position to offer me anything but the day we lived in. He had been hanging on by a thread then. It was one of the reasons I could never fully hate him for leaving. Probably one of the reasons why I never stopped loving him.
“I remember.”
He leaned in on a whisper. “That first night you came over and washed my hair? Do you remember that?”
“Yes,” I said as hot tears streaked my cheeks.
He thumbed them away, his hands cupping my face, and waited for my eyes. “I was about to end it.”
He leaned in slowly, so slowly, and brushed his lips against mine. “You saved my life that night just by showing up.”
I burst into tears beneath the weight of his confession before he pulled me into his arms.
“It’s okay, Stella,” he whispered with warm breath in my ear. “I had to get straight. And no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t fix it.”
“I was so worried,” I said against his chest. “Every single day I worried. Especially when you left.”
“I know,” he said regretfully, “and I’m sorry you went through that.
Stella,” he said in a breathy whisper, “you thought you weren’t enough, but that was just it.
You were enough to make me want to try to figure it out.
You were enough to make me want to get better, feel better, and eventually want more.
You saved every part of me. The parts I thought were empty, you filled up.
The parts I thought were lost, you brought them back to me. ”
I lay my head over his heart as he gripped my arms.
“I can make those promises now, Stella. All of them. Any you need to hear.”
“Reid,” I said as I shook in his hold. Green eyes of fire searched mine. “Just once, say everything you want to say to me. Just this once.”
“I can’t do this,” I said truthfully. “I can’t. It was never a choice.”
“It is now,” he said, resolute.
“That’s not fair.”
He released me and clenched his fists. “Don’t tell me about fair when I have to stand back while some other man touches you, fucks you, sleeps with you, holds you.
Don’t tell me about fair, Stella. I had to get my shit together.
I’ve done the work. I deserve you, too, goddammit,” he said through clenched teeth.
“I deserve to be as happy as the next guy. It took me a while to realize I deserve you. Too long, but it’s not too late.
” He leaned in on a heated whisper, my body firing off in response.
“I want you. I want inside of you Stella, where I belong. Do you remember how it felt? How I felt?”
His breath tickled my neck as he pressed his body to mine.
“How we fit?”
White-hot heat slid between my legs. “Stop,” I said, my pulse skyrocketing as I hissed out a needy breath. “Don’t.”
“Please end this shit. Stop punishing me.”
“I’m not punishing you.” I pushed at his chest, giving myself some distance. We were too close to not being able to take it back.
I crossed my arms and gripped my sides. “I hurt him, I hurt me. You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Tell me you don’t love me,” he whispered. “Say it, Stella,” he dared as I blinked out a fresh set of tears. When I stayed mute, he shoved his hands back into his slacks. “I thought so.”
But he wasn’t done, and the charged air between us said he might never be.
“Come with me,” he beckoned, and I shook my head. “I can’t.”
He cursed as he ran a hand through his hair.
“You can’t expect me to leave my life for you, Crowne. Last time you—”
His eyes snapped to mine. “I what, Stella?”
“You forgot me,” I whispered. “You showed up at that concert with another girl. Did you forget?”
“I was so hell-bent on trying to get you out of my head, Stella. It meant nothing. Nothing to me.”
“But it meant everything to me, Reid. You—” I swallowed. “It doesn’t matter. It can’t. I’m with Nate.”
“Stop saying his goddamn name!” Reid hissed as he looked at the floor between us, taking rapid breaths before he slowly brought his gaze to mine.
“I’ll keep waiting.” He leveled me with the sincerity in his voice and leaned in to kiss my temple.
“I never forgot you, Stella. Not you, not us, not any of it.”
He pulled back, leaving me spent completely by his smell, his words, and his eyes trailing down my body. “It’s not too late.” He opened the door behind him and slipped out, taking his warmth away.