Chapter 18 Every Weakness
EVERY WEAKNESS
I watched the first practice session from the media center, taking notes as Jonathan struggled with the same problems that had plagued him in Austria.
His car looked nervous through Maggotts and Becketts, the high-speed esses that separated the truly fast drivers from the merely quick.
By Thursday evening, he was sixth fastest, respectable, but not the pace needed for podiums.
“Tough circuit when the car won’t do what you want,” Mason said, sipping his coffee like he wasn’t casually summing up the exact knot in my chest. “Silverstone shows up every weakness.”
“Car or driver?” I asked lightly, hoping my voice didn’t betray anything.
He gave me a sideways look. “Depends which one runs out of grip first.”
I forced a smile, but my eyes were already back on the timing sheets.
Sixth. Jonathan was sixth. On paper, that was fine, better than most, worse than he wanted.
But I’d seen him after the debrief: shoulders stiff, jaw locked, pretending it was just another data-heavy day. And maybe to everyone else it was.
To me, it wasn’t.
“It’s not just the car,” I said quietly.
Mason raised an eyebrow. “You think he’s rattled?”
“I think he’s exhausted,” I said. “Two podiums so far, and now he’s right back to wrestling physics with a car that isn’t listening.”
Mason studied me for a beat. “What makes you say that? He tell you something he hasn’t told the rest of us?”
“No,” I said. “I watch him.”
Mason’s mouth twitched, like he didn’t quite believe that was all of it.
I didn’t offer anything else.
Down in the paddock, Jonathan walked past the media center windows with his engineers, expression composed, features neutral, press conference face. But I could read the tension in the set of his shoulders, the tiny twitch in his left hand where he always felt the wheel fighting him the hardest.
“Sixth isn’t a disaster,” Mason said.
“No,” I agreed. “But it’s not enough. Not for him.”
Not when he’d just admitted, days ago, that he was happy, really happy, for the first time in years. Not when I’d said I was terrified to be happy back.
And now here we were. Silverstone. A track that demanded bravery from drivers and patience from those who loved them. And I wasn’t sure which was harder.
Mason nudged my elbow with his coffee cup. “You okay, Pulaski?”
I swallowed, eyes still on Jonathan as he disappeared into the garage. “Ask me after qualifying.”
That evening we ate dinner at a pub near the circuit. “Want to see where I learned to race properly?” Jonathan asked. His father wouldn’t arrive until Saturday, giving us rare, unguarded time together.
Nightfall was still hours away when we left the circuit and headed south, the sun hanging low over fields the color of tarnished gold.
“Millfield was sports-mad, with 200 sports staff, including 5 Olympians. It didn’t take much to convince them to accommodate me when I wanted to use racing as my PE instead of rugby or cricket,” he said.
“That’s a shame. I was hoping to be able to fantasize about you in a scrum.”
He laughed. “Whilton is where I got the education that mattered to me.”
We drove south in his rental car through villages that looked like postcards. Thatched cottages and stone churches epitomized the kind of English countryside that existed in tourist brochures and Jonathan’s actual adolescence.
We turned off the main road near a village called Whilton, all stone pubs and hanging flower baskets, and a few minutes later the trees parted to reveal Whilton Mill Karting Circuit.
No grandstands, no towering architecture like Silverstone.
Just floodlights, a tangle of tarmac curves, chain-link fencing, and the faint lingering smell of fuel baked into the asphalt.
“This was your training ground?” I asked.
Jonathan killed the engine and nodded. “Every other weekend. My housemaster at Millfield signed off my Friday absence, and my mother paid a mechanic to haul the kart up here. I’d do homework in the van on the way back Sunday night.”
We slipped through an unlocked side gate, not trespassing so much as returning somewhere deeply familiar to him.
The track was empty now, and the racing line was stained a darker shade of black where thousands of tires had carved history into it.
The only sounds were distant birds and the soft ticking of cooling metal from a parked generator.
Jonathan walked ahead, slow and reverent, tracing the air with his hand like he could still feel the steering wheel there.
“This is where I figured it out,” he said.
“Not that I was fast. Fast is easy when you’re fourteen and fearless.
It was the moment I realized I loved being on the edge more than I loved being safe. ”
He stopped at the apex of a tight right-hander. “Shenington, Buckmore Park, here? If you wanted to get noticed in Britain, you had to master these places. No school program, no official team. Just cold mornings, blisters, race fuel, and praying your dad could afford another set of tires.”
Jonathan walked to the pit wall, his hands trailing along the barrier. “I was trying to prove I wasn’t just another rich kid playing catch-up with drivers who’d been built for this. First time I really committed through the chicane flat-out, felt the car dancing on the edge of losing grip… I knew.”
I could picture teenage Jonathan, probably still gangly and uncertain about everything except this, the moment when physics and instinct aligned and he discovered what he was meant to do with his life.
“You make it sound like holy ground,” I said.
“It is, for me.” He looked over his shoulder, eyes catching the low floodlight from the paddock. “I remember talking to you and realizing I had to stop pretending this was a hobby and admit it was my life. Took me until Berlin to actually face that, though.”
Jonathan walked a few steps ahead, tracing the racing line with his hands, describing the corners the way other men might describe old lovers, each name spoken softly, with affection and respect.
“Your father supported your racing when you were a kid?”
“He did,” Jonathan said. “But with conditions. Racing was part of the world he understood. After all, automotive parts are the family business. He just didn’t believe it was a stable future. To him it was something I could pursue as long as I was building a safety net.”
“Which meant Wharton.”
“Exactly. Compromise. I’d study business, keep my grades high, and race on the side.” He smiled faintly. “That track I took you to? It was my second home after Penn. My parents’ place came in third.”
He slowed, eyes following an invisible car through the corner.
“My grandfather used to come to my races here,” he said.
“He never missed a final. One year I won the regional championship, and he was waiting at the fence when I climbed out of the kart. Didn’t say anything at first. Just hugged me so hard my helmet was still digging into his shoulder.
Then he told me, very calmly, that I’d driven like I belonged out there. ”
Jonathan’s voice softened.
“My father was in Tokyo that weekend. He called later, proud and practical, already talking about what came next. But my grandfather… he just stood there grinning like the result was enough.”
He exhaled slowly.
“I think that’s when the track stopped being a place I visited and started being a place I lived.”
“And Berlin changed that,” I said quietly.
Jonathan nodded. “Six months into working there, I realized I couldn’t keep pretending racing was secondary. It felt like I was amputating a part of myself.”
He stopped, the easy rhythm of his movement breaking.
“I don’t usually talk about this,” he said quietly. “Not during race weeks.”
And just like that, the door closed.
The quiet settled again, full of everything we weren’t ready to say. When we finally walked back toward the lights of the paddock, his shoulder brushed mine, light, accidental, or maybe not.
A figure moved at the far end of the paddock, security, or a late crew member, or maybe just my nerves.
Jonathan followed my gaze.
“We should go,” he said.
Not should like earlier. Should like consequence.