Chapter 26 Ryker
Ryker
PRESENT
Gianna still hasn’t said anything.
I’ve pulled the truck into the shelter between the blast furnaces where The Tropics is held to avoid the cops, though we’re on borrowed time. The mayor will come looking for her sooner or later.
She’s staring ahead, fixated on the space in front of her as fat drops of rain begin to smack against the windshield. Her chestnut eyes lack the fire I love to see, as if the embers have been snuffed out.
I hadn’t planned to tell her the truth about what happened that night. I’m not even sure if she remembers Erik was there or who he was. What matters now is that I definitely know he’s here, he’s back and he’s been hiding right under my fucking nose this entire time.
The silence continues, swirling with my regret as I think about all the things that led up to the accident that night. All the things we could have done differently. Everything we lost.
At last, she blinks a few times before turning to me. She puts on a strong front, but her bottom lip quivers. ‘I tried to tell the police it was a hit-and-run, but they didn’t believe me. They said it was a tragic accident. That it was Jace’s fault. That he lost control and—’
‘Yeah, well, it’s all bullshit, isn’t it?’ I level her with a look. ‘You know better. I know you do. That’s why you pulled apart the bike.’
I stare into Gianna’s glassy eyes as the delicate column of her throat shifts.
‘I …’ she starts with indignation, then softens.
Her voice is placating when she continues, ‘Yeah. The brakes were cut. I took it apart three times to make sure because I couldn’t believe it.
I saw the car hit him, but the cops… they just wouldn’t listen.
They kept shoving helpline numbers in my face.
I just pushed everything away about that night after that. ’
‘They gaslit you into forgetting. But in the end, it was my bike,’ I say with dread. ‘It was supposed to be me.’
I swallow, blinking long and hard. It’s a truth I’ve come to terms with, but it still sears through my chest.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you knew?’ she asks.
‘I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I had. That whole night happened because of me, and I’d do anything to go back and do everything differently. Then Jace would still be here.’
‘And Alexander?’ she asks. ‘What’s he got to do with this?’
‘Alexander was my closest lead to finding Erik. For the past four years, we’ve been playing a game of cat-and-mouse all up the coast. But every time we got to a town, he gave us the slip. Erik’s always been a step ahead of me. Of all of us.’
She nods her head, saying nothing. There’s a pause, where the heaviness of our past and the weight of our decisions press down on us.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she breathes. ‘It wasn’t your fault, Ryker.’
‘It was, Gianna!’ I suck in a harsh breath, feeling the rage take over. ‘You know it. You even wanted me to apologise for it.’
Her face twists. ‘Not for what happened to Jace, Ryker. I wanted you to apologise for leaving me!’ she cries. ‘I needed you!’
Guilt nips at me, making my chest twist, but my point still stands. ‘If we didn’t go sneaking off. If I was with him—’
‘It wouldn’t have changed a thing.’
I look away. Her words are like a needle that’s slipped between my ribs to bury itself in the very centre of my heart. She’s wrong. I could’ve stopped it.
If I wasn’t with Gianna that night, it wouldn’t have happened.
‘If we didn’t fight, he wouldn’t have taken off on my bike in a rage. And maybe if we hadn’t stolen that statue, it’d just have been like any other night,’ I argue.
‘Really?’ Her voice is soft. ‘Do you really think anyone on this planet could stop Jace from doing what he wanted? He’d have stolen that statue with or without you, and the Empire City boys would have come after him no matter what. The what ifs will haunt you as long as you let them, Ryker.’
I reach out, wrapping Gianna’s hair in my fist, frustrated that she doesn’t get it. She lets out a small cry and a light sheen of sweat breaks out on her forehead. I draw her in, glaring into her eyes, watching as her pupils dilate with fear.
‘It wasn’t him they were after,’ I grind out the words. ‘It was me, my bike. I gave him the fucking keys to his death. And now, I’m trying to do what’s best for you. I’m trying to keep a promise.’
I close the space between us and press my lips to hers, drowning myself in the torture of tasting her a final time. I could have had this. Every day for the rest of my life, I could have had her. My chest aches with thoughts of what could have been.
I let go, pulling away before reaching for the handle to leave so she can drive herself home. I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’ll do, but she needs to go home, and I need to fucking get away from her so I can think straight.
‘You’re just gonna leave again?’
My hand drops. When I find the courage to look at her, tears are welling in her eyes, though there’s plenty of defiance in her gaze.
‘I can’t do this without you, Ryker. Not again,’ she continues.
She takes my face in her palms and leans in, pressing her forehead to mine.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ she says again. Each word leaving her plump lips slowly. ‘But why didn’t you stay here? Why did you leave me?’
Her question sends barbs shooting into my chest and needles prickling at my throat. My heart grinds like a stuck clutch, but red-hot rage also pours through me. Her question makes me fucking angry. She asks it as if leaving her was a choice. I left because she needed to be safe. I left because …
‘I can’t lose you,’ I admit.
‘That doesn’t answer my question.’
‘Well, it’s the only answer I have.’
Guilt. Anger. Regret. Grief. Every one of these emotions flash and sear through my insides.
I close my eyes. I need to remember what I’m here for: to find Erik and make his blood drip.
I shake my head from her hands. ‘We should have just gone to the fucking carnival that night.’ The thought’s been one that’s kept me up at night as it gnaws on my conscience, but it’s the first time I’ve said my regret out loud.
‘How different life would be if we just went to Lucifer’s Dream four years ago, Gianna … If we did, Jace might still be here.’
But we didn’t. I chose to take Gianna to The Tropics. And I gave Jace my keys.
The silence blankets over us, heavy and cold like snow, but my body buzzes with so much heat my fingers tremble.
‘So if you can’t lose me, but we can’t be together … Who does that work out for, Ryker?’ she asks, her voice barely more than a whisper.
It’s another question I don’t know how to answer.
‘Why can’t we go back to how things were?’ she continues, full of hope. ‘When we’d have fun, and go camping and not have a care in the world?’
The nights I’ve lain awake, wishing for this.
I look up, seeing the misty windows keeping us separate from the outside world. Hidden. Maybe in here, we’re safe. Hidden away from all our problems and the past that plagues us. But it’s not real.
‘If you want that version of me, then I need to leave right now so you can keep him in your mind forever. Because I don’t love you the way he did.’
Gianna flinches, clutching at her chest as if she’s been punched. I reach across and turn her chin toward me so I can see her eyes. She needs to understand.
‘Gianna, I can’t. I can’t go back to loving you the way I did back then.
There’s nothing sweet, or tender or innocent about what I feel for you now.
’ I stare at her, taking her in. The flecks of gold in her irises.
Her smooth, tanned skin that I’m always dying to touch.
Every wisp of a curl that sticks to her glossy lips. I see everything. She’s my everything.
And it’s painful.
This pain has been my most brutal philosopher, the hand that’s dragged me through the weight of my own choices. This pain is why I know I can’t love her gently. ‘My love for you is unhinged.’
A heavy breath whooshes from Gianna’s lungs. Her fingers reach up, gripping at the fabric of my shirt. Clenching and releasing, as if she can’t decide whether to pull me closer or push me away.
‘I’ll hold you with reverence.’ My shaky breaths ghost across her lips.
‘But I’ll also make you blush and faint.
I’ll pleasure you until you weep.’ My tongue tastes the salty tear that rolls down her face.
‘I’ll lap up every tear and claim your sweet fear as my own because I crave the taste of you.
All of you. And I’ll kill anyone who dares to even breathe too close to you. ’
Gianna drops her forehead to mine. I swoop a hand over her head, tilting it back so I can see her face.
‘I want to rip into your skin,’ I say, dropping a hand against her chest, ‘and find every hidden place, just to force you to see it. I’ll make you desperate, not for me, but for the version of yourself I bring to the edge.
I promise you’ll always have fire in your eyes.
So, I can’t love you like I did back then, Gianna.
Too much time has passed where I’ve needed you and couldn’t have you.
Where I reached for you and couldn’t feel you.
I want to protect you and I’ll go to dangerous lengths to make sure you’re safe.
I told you before. I want your everything. ’
She looks at me in the same way she used to.
Then she slowly climbs over the centre console, extending a leg over to straddle me.
My hands instantly reach for the warmth of her thighs.
She wraps her fingers into my hair and I breathe in her sweet scent of jasmine and lemons as she settles into my lap.
Her fingers graze at my chest. ‘Your heart is beating so fast.’
What is this feeling? ‘I’m scared … I think,’ I admit.
‘Of what?’
‘Not getting to keep you.’
There’s a pause, then she slams her lips to mine. It’s her that fucking kisses me. And I want to sink into her. Taste every part of her. Explore.