9. Inner Sanctum
Chapter 9
Inner Sanctum
Raven
Present Day
Q uestions swirled in my mind. Julian? My best friend Julian? He and I were inseparable growing up. If he was the one that saved me, why would he have left me? What if something happened to him because of me?
A memory flashed into my mind. Running into him just after the gender of my baby had been determined. The genetic testing confirmed what I already knew, that I would have a daughter. But I had been angry with him, sprinted from him even as he yelled desperately after me. The reason felt silly now, and I couldn’t help but feel a rush of regret at the last recollection I had of him .
The TV flashed on, distracting me from the memory, whipping it back to the recesses of my subconscious. The screen was a bright light in the otherwise dimmed room.
Turning my head, I watched as the display flickered.
It wasn’t The Host’s face, instead it was just the players and teams remaining.
13 TEAMS
39 PLAYERS
It stayed on for just a few minutes before the television went black again.
“That was odd,” I stated, wriggling against Levi further.
“I’m so sorry for what happened to you,” Levi’s husky breath was saturated in emotion as he steered the conversation back to before we were interrupted. I almost wished he hadn’t. “Loss like that does not dissipate. It simply becomes a part of who you are.”
“Her name was Sparrow.” The strangeness of the game was firmly pushed to the alcoves of my mind. Breathing in and out a few times, I attempted to stamp down the waves of sadness threatening to consume me. I had never dealt with her loss. Never fully admitted it out loud that my child was taken from me.
My baby. I had just found out I was having a girl when she was killed. When my sister cruelly ended her life.
“I could have forgiven my sister if it was just me. She was angry, not in her right mind, trying to do what she thought was best. I could have made a million excuses, but Sparrow?” I shook as the words built the tension in the air. The only thing keeping me tethered to reality were Levi’s arms and Jayce’s caress on my face. “I remember waking up to Geoff, the doctor, telling me I lost her. He was forced to perform a C-section while I was still unconscious and removed her from my body. He was gentle in his explanation. He said he cremated her and spread her ashes on his land.” My hand moved slowly to the scar the doctor left behind. The one I woke up with.
Jayce’s eyes hardened at the movement, but he remained silent.
I didn’t realize I was crying until my vision blurred. Jayce shifted, wrapping me in his arms from the front while Levi squeezed me from behind.
“Hush, it’s okay we’ve got you,” Levi reassured, his husky tone instantly soothing a bit of the pain, but it wouldn’t be enough.
“I’m sorry.” My entire body shook now as the men did their best to comfort me. “I never—I never grieved for her. I never spoke her death into existence. It would make it feel too real and I was barely holding on.”
“I know, I didn’t either,” Jayce murmured, his tone embalmed in pain, agony, regret . “I know you have forgiven me, but I still blame myself. I shouldn’t have told Anadil about Sparrow. I’m sorry.”
“Come on you two, it’s neither of y’all’s faults. This world is a terrible place and every decision we make we try to change that, but we can’t control other people. You two were parents to your baby girl, you did the best you could.” Levi readjusted to wrap his arms around Jayce, too, providing comfort to us both. “This country just doesn’t allow our best to be good enough. But we’re almost through this, we’re going to win and then we can make a life for ourselves. We can make a better place for the future. And then if you’re ever ready for it, you can have another baby.”
Wedged between the two men, it was easier to allow myself to finally feel the pain of the loss of Sparrow. The aching that had always been a dull beat pounded louder, for a moment, before it slowly faded into the inner sanctum of my heart. I would always cherish her. Grieve for her, of what could have been, but that didn’t change anything .
I didn’t know how long we all stayed like that, but after some time I finally began to sew myself back together. I would never forget Sparrow, but in this moment I felt stronger than I had in years. It wasn’t just the false bravado I put in place, it was real.
Visceral .
I am healing.
We were going to make it, we were going to accomplish something.
We could be the change this country needed.
But first, we needed to get out of this fucking game.