Chapter 18
It's been a few weeks since Oren showed up on my doorstep, suspended and completely lost. His knock on the door completely upended my life. It changed everything—my view of him, of having him as an active participant in Lily's life, how I felt about him. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I shifted from hoping that he would stick around for Lily to looking forward to seeing him. Now I miss him for Lily, and that makes me sad. Watching how she comes to life when she hears his voice, the way she smiles, like she’s been waiting all day. She deserves that.
Worse than missing him for Lily, I miss him for myself. And that that pisses me off the most. I carefully built this life for Lily and me. Every single piece of it, and he just bulldozes in here and is messing it all up with his damn determination, sweet gestures, and those big, stupid, handsome, green eyes. I hate how much I want that for more than just her.
I’ve got the day off with a long list of errands, including but not limited to stocking up on everything Lily needs now that she’s six months old. After one taste of baby food, she started eating and never looked back. Of course, she has an appetite that could probably bankrupt me in food costs alone, and she did not get that from me. The realization that I’m raising a female version of Oren makes me laugh. I know with certainty that I’m not ready for what's to come. She’s growing fast, way too fast, and every day I feel like I’m running to keep up.
After all the errands are done, I put Lily down for her nap. My phone buzzes on the counter as I’m walking out of her room. Oren’s name flashes on the screen, and seeing it makes me involuntarily smile. Since he left to go back to Arizona, he’s been calling every day, sometimes twice a day, to talk to Lily. At first, it was all about Lily, asking how she’s doing, talking to her, making silly noises to make her laugh, and then we’d hang up. But now, it’s more. We actually talk, have real conversations, and not just polite pleasantries. We talk about our days, work, how practice was, or upcoming games. He tells me more about his teammates and his mom. Anything and everything under the sun.
I pick up the phone, swiping over to answer. “Hi, Oren.”
“Hey,” he replies, a bit more relaxed than I expected for a game day. “Is Lily around? I was hoping to catch her before…you know, tonight.”
“She’s gone down for a nap,” I say softly. “Sorry, you just missed her.”
“Oh,” I can hear the disappointment in his voice, but he quickly recovers. “That’s okay. She needs rest to be such a badass, you know. Lots of baby stuff to do.” He chuckles, which makes me laugh too.
“Yeah, it’s exhausting to be six months old,” I tease. “All of her eating, playing, and making messes really requires all the extra rest.”
He laughs with more meaning behind it. The sound is soothing, making me feel more comfortable. “I guess I’ll just have to celebrate with her after our win later tonight.”
“Oh, bold words. Ok, she will be ready to celebrate later,” I reply, smiling to myself.
There’s a comfortable silence that settles between us, and I’m not ready for the conversation to end. “So, how are you feeling about tonight’s game?” I ask, settling into the couch.
“Honestly?” I hear the hesitation in his voice. “Everyone’s watching, waiting to see if I’ll lose my cool again.”
“You’ll do great,” I offer, trying to sound encouraging. “Sure, you’ve had a lot on your mind lately, but you’ve worked hard to clear your head. You’re a pro, Oren. You know how to handle it.”
“Thanks,” he says, his voice softening. “That means a lot coming from you.”
The blush starts to creep up my cheeks immediately, but I push it down, clearing my throat. “So, any big plans after the game? Going to find yourself a lady for the evening?” I ask, trying to change the subject. I don’t know why I say it. I’d like to curl up and die from regret and embarrassment the moment it leaves my lips.
“No,” he replies gruffly.
There’s another pause, and my skin starts to crawl in the silence. “I didn’t mean to imply anything. I don’t think you are going to hire someone, you know, like pay for sex or something.” Oh my God, stop talking, Rachel! Why not make it even more awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. Way to go!
“You know, I would rather talk to Lily after the game anyway,” he says finally. “Okay, I gotta go. But tell Lily I said hi when she wakes up?”
“Of course,” I say quietly. “She’ll be excited to hear from you.”
“Thanks, Rachel,” he says, sounding off from how our conversation started.
I hang up the phone, feeling like a ripe asshole. I shouldn’t have said any of that because I certainly didn’t mean it. But beyond that, I shouldn’t give Oren a hard time about his choice with women. What he does in his free time is up to him, and just because I might be jealous doesn’t give me the right to judge him. Wait, am I jealous? Fuck, this is why I need to keep this man several arm's lengths away. Nothing good will come from falling head over hockey skates for a man who will never reciprocate. It’s not good for any of us, most of all our daughter. Oren Samuels is totally and completely off-limits.
I take a long, hot shower, hoping the steam will clear my head and rid me of the thoughts of Oren, but it’s not working. The days he spent here, and how amazing he was with Lily, have been playing on repeat. Like a constant reminder of how hard he’s trying to become the best father for her. Or how he sometimes looks at me like I am the secret to everything he didn’t know he wanted. I hate that I'm moving beyond missing him to craving his presence, something I can never have.
Once Lily’s up from her nap, we get packed and ready for Ziggy and Elliot’s house. There is only so much sitting around, watching hockey, that a six-month-old can handle, so I pack up a handful of her toys to come with us. Once I have myself and everything for her ready, we head over for dinner and to watch the Red Wolves game. It’s comforting being around my friends. They feel like family. A family I feel like I’m lying to every time I opt to not come clean. I hate keeping this secret from them, but I just don’t know how to bring it up. Ziggy and Elliot still don’t know anything about Oren.
How do I even bring it up? What am I supposed to say? Oh, by the way, I slept with your friend before I knew you, had a baby with him, and told NO ONE. Then became your friend and have continued to lie to your faces? Yeah, that’s going to go over great.
For another night, I’ll just continue to use my avoidance tactics and hold the truth deep, deep inside. Ziggy greets us at the door, her face nothing but love as soon as she sees Lily. “Hey, there’s my favorite person ever!” she squeals, grabbing Lily from my arms.
“Hey, Ziggy,” I smile, as the two of them completely ignore me, both too busy babbling to each other. “Hope there’s plenty of food for us. I swear Lily would try to eat like a teenager if I let her.”
“Well, she’s a growing girl!” Ziggy laughs. “Growing strong just like her mom.”
I smile, trying to mask the twist of guilt that builds in my stomach. If she knew the truth, she wouldn’t be saying that at all. How much Lily actually takes after Oren is so obvious to me that sometimes it's hard to believe I’ve not gotten more questions.
We join Elliot in the kitchen, and he hands us each a beer, as he leans against the counter, looking relaxed. When I first met Elliot, he was so different; he was reserved, neurotic, and absolutely unhinged when it came to hockey. He was always an impressive player, but he never seemed like he was completely comfortable. Not like he is now, decked out in head to toe Red Wolves merch, like he’s exactly where he belongs.
“Hey, Rach,” he grins, “ready for some good hockey tonight?”
“Yeah,” I nod, trying to match his enthusiasm. “Can’t wait.”
I set up Lily’s little play area in the living room, making sure she’s comfortable, surrounding her with her favorite toys before heading back to the kitchen. I can feel Ziggy watching me, probably sensing that something’s off. She’s always been good at reading my moods. Ziggy leans against the kitchen counter, her eyes narrowing slightly, studying me as I take a sip of my beer.
"So," she says, her tone casual but with that unmistakable edge she gets when she’s probing, “How’s it going with the mystery father?” she asks, more softly this time. “You mentioned he wanted to be more involved… How’s that going?”
I hesitate, biting my lip. I’m not ready to spill everything, but I know I can’t keep dodging her questions forever. “He’s…been around,” I admit. “Trying to be there for Lily. He stayed with us for a few days to really get to know Lily, and since he left, he calls her every day.”
Her eyes go comically wide, “Wait, stayed with you, as in, at your place? You mean to tell me, you had your baby daddy as a roommate for a few days and you didn’t tell me?!”
“Trust me, it’s not as cozy as it sounds.” I laugh, rolling my eyes. “We’re just figuring it out. It’s…messy. But he’s making an effort, and that’s what matters.”
“Well, if anyone can handle it, it’s you. Just don’t forget that you’ve got people who’ve got your back, okay?” Ziggy says, smiling, reaching out to squeeze my hand.
I squeeze her hand back, feeling a rush of gratitude. “Thanks, Ziggy. I won’t forget.”
She is always here for me, and I know she always will be, but I can see the curiosity in her eyes lingering after our conversation shifts to another topic. A lump starts to form in my throat, knowing that I can’t keep the truth from them forever, especially from the people who have become so important to me.
The game starts, and it’s enough of a distraction to pull me out of my own head. We all settle in on the couch, and I push around the food on my plate, the nerves making it hard for me to take the leap to take a bite. Lily giggles from her makeshift play area, completely unaware of the unease that builds as I watch the Red Wolves. I watch the screen as the camera pans over the team’s bench, catching a glimpse of Oren, his jaw tight, his eyes focused, prepared for tonight. He looks good—better than I want to admit.
How seeing him on the TV causes my gut to twist is a confusing feeling. A mystery combination of attraction, longing, and frustration. Oren is hot as hell, and the sex with him was great, amazing even, but I’m not sure what that means or what I’m supposed to do with these feelings. So, I do the only thing I can—I smile at Ziggy and Elliot, focus on Lily’s laughter, and try to enjoy the game.
The person I miss is the one that I’ve built him up to be in my head. I’m not saying that he isn’t all of those things to one degree or another, but there are layers to him that don’t make it into my fantasies. Like the side of him that never wants to settle down. Even with that like a glaring beacon in my mind, I still really, really miss him. But deep down, I know I can’t avoid this forever. Not if I want to move forward, to ever be at a point where I can work through to the other side of these feelings and get my life back on track.