Chapter 21
I escape to my room, jerking the door shut behind me with the loudest click on the planet, but once it’s closed, I can concentrate on what just happened. Once my brain catches up with my body, my breath hitches in my throat, and my body sags against the wood behind me. I feel faint, unstable on my feet as the reality of what just happened, or almost happened, hits me like a wave. Lust mixed with regret embodies my entire being. I run my hands through my hair, feeling the restlessness leftover from Oren’s hands on me thrumming in my veins.
Why the hell did I stop myself? I should have seen where things went. I hate myself a little bit for my reaction, for putting up all the walls that every part of my being wants to tear down. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to keep going, to pull him closer, to feel him inside of me again. What was I thinking? My lips still tingle from where he kissed me, my pussy dripping and aching for him to touch me. But then, I remember why I had to stop it. Why was it the right thing to do?
Because mixing sex with whatever we are doing is a terrible idea. Co-parenting? Friends? Whatever it is we will become, I know it shouldn’t involve sex. Romance with Oren is a disaster waiting to happen. He will never be what I need as a romantic partner and it’s unfair to ask that of him. Complicating things, knowing the outcome, with Lily in the picture—it could ruin everything. I can't let my needs, no, not needs. I don’t need Oren, I want him. I desire him, and I can’t let my stupid, selfish desires jeopardize what we’re trying to build here. But still…that kiss.
A surge of anger courses through me, my wrath aimed squarely at myself. I stomp over to the bathroom, yes, stomp, because apparently I'm acting a fool, and yank the shower handle. I pull off my pajamas and toss them aside before turning the faucet straight to cold and stepping into the freezing spray. I shiver as the water douses my skin. The shock of the temperature jolts my consciousness. I stand there, letting the cold wash away the heat of the moment, the desperate lust that still lingers. I let out a frustrated exhale, feeling my muscles constrict and release with the cold.
Eventually, I turn off the water and step out of the safety of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it tightly around me. I wander back to my room and climb into bed, not even bothering with getting dressed. My wet hair will look like a bird's nest in the morning, but I don’t care enough to move. Instead, I try to hide from the chill that clings to me. I pull the blanket up to my chin, trying to wish the rest of the world away and create a safe space within my bed. I try to calm my racing mind and force myself to go to sleep. But sleep doesn’t come easy. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Feel him. That kiss transitioning to both our nights together merging together to torture me over and over like the sexiest nightmare I can’t stop.
I toss and turn, pulling the pillow tighter around my head, trying to block it all out. But no matter what I do, I can’t escape it, the damn desire. I can’t escape the thought of Oren's everything on mine, the way his lips and hands felt on my skin—hot as hell. By the time morning comes, I’m twice as wet and no more rested than when I crawled into bed. I know I’ll have to face him today, and I have no idea how I’m going to do it. Because now, I’m stuck in this torturous space—horny, frustrated, and with no escape. No outlet. No Oren.
I finally roll out of bed, groggy and irritated. I throw on the first pair of clean leggings and sweatshirt I see. I don’t even bother looking at my reflection in the mirror. Best case scenario, I can pass as a human, worst case scenario, Oren thinks I look like a bridge troll and stays away from me. Either way, it’s a win. I walk into the kitchen, where Lily is already dressed and ready for the day. She is sitting in her highchair with the remnants of her breakfast still on her face. Oren’s doing–damn it, if the little things like that didn’t make it even more difficult to keep my distance.
Oren watches me as he pours himself a cup of coffee. I meet his eyes briefly, and there’s a quick flash of something in his stare—something heated and unfinished. I pretend whatever look that was never happened. And Oren doesn’t say anything. I move around the kitchen, keeping a distance from him and his shirtless chest and gray sweatpants. Sweet. Satan. Could he not have anything else on? He’s cordial, but I am being anything but. All I am is awkward. I can’t get past the damn dick-sized gap in the room, and neither of us is brave enough to address it.
I can’t take it anymore. I clear my throat. “Could you watch Lily for a few hours today?”
Oren’s face lights up like I just handed him the Stanley Cup. “Absolutely,” he says quickly, too quickly, like he’s afraid I might change my mind.
I nod. “Great. I’m…I’m going out.”
“Um...where—” I cut him with a firm, don’t say another word glare. “Okay. Sure. We will just be here chilling,” he says.
I grab my phone and my purse, slip on my boots, and head out the door. As I get into the car, I start to dial Ziggy as I go. The second she answers, I cut her off.
“Cancel everything,” I tell her. “I’m coming over.”
“Uh, okay, calm down,” she laughs. “Sure, get over here! I have some questions for you too, Rachel.”
I’m on autopilot for the entirety of the drive to Ziggy’s. I’m so wound up that I feel like I could snap at any moment. The second I get to her house, I don’t even have time to knock before the door swings open, and Ziggy is standing there, her hands on her hips, an eyebrow raised.
“Alright, spill,” she says, her tone direct. “Why did I see your name popping up on Oren’s phone all night at dinner?”
I freeze, my heart racing. Shit. I should have known this could happen, seen it coming. I try to play it off. “What? Who? Oren….we are friends.” I sound like it's no big deal, right?
Nope, Ziggy’s not buying it. “Friends?” she repeats, her eyes narrowing. “Come on, Rachel. Since when? You have never once talked about him. It took 3 cocktails for you to just start being nice to him at dinner that time.”
I panic a little, then my brain says, ‘distract her.’ “Well,” I say, grinning. “Did Elliot finger fuck you under the table at dinner last night?”
“What!? Oh, umm, what.” Ziggy’s cheeks flush, and she stutters, momentarily flustered. For a second, I believe I might have gotten to her, but she shakes her head, her expression firm. “Nice try, but I’m not letting this go. What’s up with you and Oren?”
Damn. She’s not going to drop it. I pull my lips between my teeth, hesitating. “Okay,” I say slowly. “But you can’t tell Elliot.”
“I can’t promise that,” she says, her tone serious. Ziggy crosses her arms, giving me a look. “And you know that. I don’t keep secrets from him.”
I sigh, feeling a wave of guilt for even asking her that. “Yeah, I know,” I mutter. “I’m sorry, but this…it’s complicated, Ziggy. Really complicated.”
Ziggy softens a little, stepping back and opening the door wider. “Come in,” she says gently. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
I walk in, my anxiety ratcheting up to the highest level. I take a deep breath, knowing I’m about to drop an absolute bomb. I have to do this carefully, respectfully, for everyone’s sake.
“Oren is Lily’s father,” I blurt out, the words tumbling out of me word vomit. Or not. I could just go with telling her in a way that respects nobody. “He’s THE one-night stand.”
Ziggy’s eyes widen, and she yells, “Holy shit!” Before covering her mouth with her hand and whispering. “You’re serious?”
I nod, feeling both a sense of relief and a dangerous level of anxiety coursing through me. “Dead serious,” I say. “We slept together again after the four of us went out to dinner…He didn’t know about Lily then. He found out in Charlotte. And then last night, we…we kissed. Again.”
Ziggy lowers her hand, her expression a mix of shock, awe, concern, and hurt. “Rachel…why didn’t you tell us?”
I sigh, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on me. “I was scared,” I admit. “I didn’t really know you when I got pregnant, and then my mind was made up about not telling Oren about Lily. Then after I got to know you, I got scared of how you’d react to the truth, to my lies, scared of what it would mean…scared of everything.”
Ziggy steps closer, her face softening with understanding. “Rachel,” she says quietly, “I’m your friend. Here for you, no matter what.”
I feel my throat tighten, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. “I know,” I whisper. “But this…goes beyond just regular friendship. This is the ‘I’ll have your back no matter what’ kind of friendship. I lied to you guys for months!”
Ziggy nods, taking my hand and squeezing it. “You didn’t lie. You just weren’t ready to tell everyone. And, no, it doesn’t,” she says softly. “Start from the beginning. Leave nothing out.”
I take a deep breath and nod, feeling a mix of fear and relief. “Alright,” I say. “Here goes nothing…”