Chapter 46
I’m exhausted from physical therapy, but it's the good kind of tired. With the idea of not getting back on the ice now solidly taking root in my brain, it has lightened some sort of weight I didn’t even know was there. There is less pressure weighing down on me than ever before. Now, every day feels like progress, no matter how big or small, and that makes me feel productive. Despite this being a major setback, a blow to my career, I’ve felt a little stronger and a little more like myself each day, even though there’s still a long road to recovery ahead of me.
After stopping to pick up some coffee, including Rachel’s favorite, a triple vanilla latte, I head home. Bringing her coffee after my sessions is easily the best part of the morning. She pretends she loves being home all the time, but I can tell it’s driving her a little bit crazy. I’m almost positive she’s been sneaking in some work here and there. I don’t really know why she is hiding it. I’m here to support whatever she wants to do. I just want her to be happy. And if working helps her feel like herself, she should do it.
I unlock the door with the key Rachel gave me and head inside. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table, laptop open, and she quickly closes it when she sees me. I raise an eyebrow, smirking at her, but don’t say anything. I just place the coffee in front of her with a smile.
“Your favorite,” I say, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead.
She smiles up at me, her eyes wide, maybe a little guilty. “Thanks. How was PT?”
“Tough, but good,” I reply, dropping the bag of pastries from the coffee shop on the counter. “Felt like I was able to push myself harder today. It was kinda nice.”
She nods, sipping her coffee. “You’re doing great. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks,” I say before pausing to deliberate what I want to say next. “You know, you can go back to work if you want to. You don’t have to just hang out here with me all day out of some sort of obligation to my recovery. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me, but I still want you to be able to live your life.”
She sits stock still, like I've caught her red handed. “How did you know I was working?”
I laugh, “Just a hunch. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to hide it from me. That was all I wanted to say.”
She gives me a sheepish look, “No, I get it. I’m not trying to hide it per se. I’ve just been getting really bored while you are at PT, when Lily’s asleep, or when you're out with Heidi. I just figured working was a good way to pass the time. I’ve enjoyed easing into it.”
“Why do you stop so quickly when I get back?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
“Oh, I guess it does look weird, doesn’t it?” She muses rhetorically. “I just don’t want to waste any of the time that I have with you on work. So when you are present, I want to be, too, while we are both still here.”
“Hmm,” I know that is meant as a compliment but it brings out some painful realities that we will have to face eventually. “Well, I’m happy to fill your free time for you.” I say, giving her a quick smile before turning to the fridge.
It’s time to make Lily’s brain smoothie. While Rachel and I share our coffee, Lily gets her brain-enhancing smoothie. After scrapping the first few recipes, I managed to make something actually edible. I’ve gotten pretty good at it at this point. Its macros are perfectly balanced with all the nutrients she needs for her strong development. That is, according to the most scientific of articles I’ve found on the internet, ‘.gov’s’ only, because there are only reputable sources for my girl. The blender whirs to life as I think about what I can do to really make the most out of my time with Rachel and Lily. She made a painful point that continues to linger in the back of my mind.
“What do you say we go to the aquarium today?” I call out to Rachel over the noise.
Rachel glances up from her coffee, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Why?”
“Why not?” I say, shutting off the blender and pouring the smoothie up for Lily. “It’s educational. It gets us out of the house, and we all have fun doing it. Plus, Lily loves fish, right?”
Rachel smiles, “I mean, she loves fish TV, sure. I don’t know if she has ever seen a fish in real life.”
“Then it’s settled. After her smoothie and morning nap, we’ll go on an adventure,” I say before giving Lily her smoothie.
The aquarium is exactly what we needed. Lily’s face lights up even brighter at each new exhibit, and her palms press against the glass as she points at different colorful fish swimming by her. Rachel’s right with her, just as into it, teaching her the names of everything she can. I watch them both, listening to Lily squeal with excitement over the dull sound of the crowd. I take a deep breath and let the contentment settle over me. The sense of belonging has been there for a while, but it's become so strong recently. It's crystal clear to me now that this is what I want the rest of my life to be like.
After we’ve thoroughly experienced every tank and exhibit twice, we take a slow walk through Centennial Park. The afternoon sun is shining bright; it’s hot but not quite miserable yet, and the moment feels perfect. Another type of experience that I would have missed out on if I hadn’t stayed here for surgery. Rachel walks beside me, holding Lily’s hand as she toddles along. Her legs move a mile a minute, trying to keep up with us. I hang back and watch the way the sunlight catches Rachel’s dark brown hair. I can see the edge of the smile on her face. She’s even more beautiful now that I’ve gotten to know her than that very first night.
There’s a sense of peace when I’m with them now, where everything seems to make more sense. I can feel all the anger and pain from the last few months slowly fading, replaced by something that feels a lot like happiness. We walk in comfortable silence for a while until we find a quiet bench to take a break on. The bustling park around us is muted by the little bubble that builds around my girls and me. Lily’s shrieking giggles break the quiet, and I can’t help but smile even though it hurts my ears a little. Rachel lets go of Lily, letting her wander into the grass right in front of us. It’s such a refreshing sight to watch Lily explore the world with unbridled curiosity.
I catch Rachel's eye briefly. Her presence calms me and makes me want to talk about my feelings and be vulnerable. Both of which are things I never really thought I was capable of with anyone outside of my teammates—maybe. The strange vulnerability bubbling up in my chest is definitely one I’m not used to. One I’ve tried to avoid like the plague for my entire life.
“I think I’ve hit my stride on all this,” I say, my voice tentative, realizing that I’m being vague on purpose. Because everything that I'm feeling is not something I’m entirely comfortable admitting out loud yet, but it’s the truth. There’s a part of me that’s still trying to convince myself. “This whole dad thing.”
Rachel's eyes crinkle in delight with her smile, and her reaction spreads warmth through my veins. “You’re doing great with her,” she replies gently, reassuring me fully.
For the first time since she has told me that, I fully believe it. I know that despite all the shit, my own stupid self-doubts, and despite the reservations I’m sure she still has lingering, she can see it too. Something in her tone tells me that she knows that I’m stepping up in a way that they deserve, and hopefully not completely fucking this up.
I turn my focus back to Lily, trying to shy away from the heaviness of the emotions, but the words I want to say are still there, gnawing at me, demanding to be said. I can’t hold them in any longer. I clear my throat, “I want to be more than great for her, Rachel. I want to be everything that I can be for you, too, for as long as you’ll possibly let me.”
There it is. No taking it back now, I laid it all out and exposed it for her to accept or not. I’ve never said anything like that to anyone before, let alone actually felt like this for another person. I’ve never opened myself up like this, been vulnerable with a woman I've slept with. But I want her to know—no, need her to know. It’s important to me that she knows that this isn’t just because of convenience or just situational. My feelings for her are so much more. This is even about more than Lily; though she plays a major part in my life now, this is beyond her.
For a second, Rachel looks stunned, just staring at me. I see the hesitation all over her face. I can practically feel it. She looks like I’ve thrown her a curve ball that she never expected, and very obviously doesn’t know how to respond. I figured she would have seen this coming and that she could feel how my feelings for her have changed, developed into more, and how she has become so important to me. I guess I was wrong. It hurts more than I thought it would to be made painfully aware that we are on two different pages. My heartbeat skips several beats, the feeling in my ribcage one that makes it harder to breathe as I wait for her to say something, anything. But all I get is silence.
She swallows a few times before finally standing up and walking over to grab Lily. “We should probably head back to the apartment,” she says, her voice a little too even. “It’s been a long day, and Lily’s going to need her nap soon.”
I can feel her start to place brick by brick up between us, placing the separation between us as quickly as she can. I get that I have a lot to make up for and that this will take time, but I am all in. I don’t want to push her, because that will only backfire. I know her well enough to realize when to let it go, to not force the conversation. Instead, I stand up and meet them on the sidewalk. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s head back.”
I watch Rachel closely as we head back to the car. She is focused on anything but me; her expression is distant. By the time we get back to the car and deal with the nightmare of traffic, my knee is throbbing, and I’m more exhausted than I’d like to admit. Once we walk into the apartment, Rachel takes Lily into the bedroom for a nap. I sink onto the couch, rubbing my knee, and try to push away the feeling that everything is unraveling around me. She might not want the same things from me that I want to give her, but I don’t know how to change it. And it fucking terrifies me.
After our conversation in the park, we had a tense few days. Rachel hasn’t brought it up, and I sure as hell haven’t either. It took us a few days to get back to what should be our new normal. She doesn’t feel distant anymore. If anything, maybe it’s given her another perspective to think about. I've kept myself busy enough not to fixate on how uncomfortable things were. What did the trick and snapped us out of the awkwardness was Rachel juggling her “part-time” work. If you ask her, though, she's still technically on leave. Her getting out of the house and back to working more has brought a whirlwind of energy. She’s full of laughter and snarky comments that leave me grinning like an idiot half the time. Rachel makes it all look so effortless, and I catch myself just watching her sometimes, amazed at how much she holds together. And, honestly, awkwardness or not, I just want to throw her over my shoulder and carry her to bed.
Today, I’m back at Elliot’s house for what will likely be my last podcast recording. All three of us are here in person today, which is nice. Part of me hopes that they invite me back sometime soon. Recording is an entirely different vibe than life at the rink, playing on the ice, but it’s still enough to make me feel alive. In a different way, sure, but it still gets some level of adrenaline coursing through my veins.
I adjust my seat and slide the headphones over my ears. The familiar and comforting feeling of being on a team coats me. I feel like each episode I record with them, I discover a new layer of the game, each one showing me that I can stay connected to the game in a way that will not jeopardize my recovery. My plan is to mention to Bryce and Elliot that I’m available anytime they want to have me back, but before I do that, I need to apologize for my outburst last time.
“Hey guys, before we start recording, there’s something I need to say to you both,” I say, not meeting their eyes.
What I have to say is difficult for me. Not because it’s an apology; that’s more than warranted. The hard part is saying that I might never play hockey again out loud to people who understand what it truly means. Saying it out loud makes it even more real. “I owe you both an apology for my behavior the last time we recorded. I got some bad news before showing up, and it got the better of me, so I’m sorry about that.”
Elliot is the first to jump in, “Eh, bud, it’s okay. I don’t think either of us gave it a second thought.” He looks at Bryce.
“He’s right, man, I figured you were just having a day and moved on,” Bryce says with a grin.
“What bad news?” Elliot asks.
I’m still not ready for the question, even though I knew it was coming. “It's very likely that my hockey playing days are over,” I say quietly, shaking my head. “Nothing is set in stone, but Dr. Maria wants me to be realistic.”
“Tabarnak, Des nouvelles vraiment difficiles,” [6] Elliot’s eyes bore into the side of my head, his features cautious as watches for my reaction.
Bryce looks a little shocked but recovers quickly, “Shit, man. I hate to hear that. Seriously, especially with context, you have no reason to apologize.”
“Agreed, it's a tough pill to swallow, not playing again, but you will be alright.” Elliot says with a grin, “We’ll make sure of it.”
“Thanks, guys. I just needed to explain myself because I appreciate you guys allowing me to be a part of this.” I tell them with absolute sincerity. “But now, let's get to it!”
And with that, Elliot works his magic and we are recording, our hockey nonsense starts flowing. The season is over and the new season hasn’t started yet so we are in that boring area in between. We focus on the recent league draft and our thoughts on the recent picks. The league is also rolling into trade and big deal season so there are plenty of words to be said between the three of us.
“Alright, Oren,” Bryce says, pulling up a clip of a young defenseman who just got drafted to the New Jersey Reapers. “What do you think about this year's number one pick?”
I lean back, considering it for a second. “He’s a powerhouse, no doubt. But he’s young and hotheaded. I’ve seen him lose his head at some of his college games, and if his coaches aren’t careful, he’s going to crumble under the pressure. They need to give him time to develop.”
I never expected to be good at the analysis, the dissection of the game I know so well. Because playing it and being able to speak to it without looking like an ass are two different things. There’s a satisfaction in it that I didn’t expect. It gives me a bridge to the world I was so close to losing.
After Bryce turns off the recording button, he gives me a fist bump across the table. “You killed it, man.”
“Thanks,” I grin, pride and relief overlapping inside of me. “It felt good.” And I mean it.
Elliot, who’s sitting across from me, now has a smug look on his face. Like he knows something I don’t. The mischievous bullshit look in his eyes is impossible to ignore. Bryce clears his throat, looking between Elliot and me before speaking. "Actually, Oren, we have a question for you. You’re a natural at this and have fit in so well. And I think you already know where I’m going with this…”
I bite my tongue, leaning back on the back two legs of my chair. “Yeah?”
“How would you feel about doing the podcast full-time? Like, as an official co-host.” Elliot asks.
“We could use someone like you; you are a good balance between the two of us. Your perspective is fresh, and the fans love hearing from you." Bryce continues Elliot’s sentiment.
I blink, surprised, but stoked. I’m still a little surprised they want me that involved. “Full-time? Seriously?”
Elliot is grinning like a madman. “You’re made for this. Soon you will see, retirement doesn’t have to suck.”
“I mean…fuck yeah, I’d be into it,” I say, letting the excitement seep into my voice, even though I try to mask it. Inside, there’s a weird combination of nerves and fear bubbling up, but not enough to turn down the offer. “Yeah, I’m down!”
Bryce’s grin widens. “Hell yeah, man. Welcome to the team.”
Elliot claps me on the shoulder, laughing. “Look at you, buddy. One minute, you’re worried about what’s next, and now you’re going to be famous.”
I laugh heartily, “Yeah, that’s a stretch. The world isn’t as interested in the rest of us like they are with you.” And with that, all three of us start to laugh.
I glance over at my guys, unable to stop the stupid grin from spreading across my face. There’s still a part of me that can’t believe this is my life now. As I continue to lean back in my chair, soaking it all in, I can’t help but think—maybe this is what I was meant for. Maybe, despite everything, this is where I’m supposed to be. This place, this life—it feels right. More right than anything ever has. And I know, deep down, that I’m never leaving Atlanta.
But the real question isn’t just staying—anyone can plant themselves somewhere. It’s about showing Rachel that this is more than just where life has taken me, more than just sticking around because of Lily. I want to build something with her, something real and lasting. The life I never thought I wanted is staring me right in the face, and for the first time, I want to grab onto it with both hands and never let go. I have to prove it. I’m going to do whatever it takes to show Rachel that I’m serious, that I’m all in. Because this, right here, feels like home, and I’m not going anywhere.