Chapter 48
The harsh glare of the sun from outside, filtering in through the windows, is blinding as I remain unmoving at the kitchen table. I keep staring at my phone, knowing that I just need to pick up the phone and make the call, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I've let the coffee cup in front of me go cold, but it doesn’t matter. My mind’s been upside down since yesterday. What Dr. Maria said fucking sucks, and the concept is still sinking in. No more hockey, ever again.
This day would always come, but I expected it would be on my own terms. Hell, that’s a lie. The only way I was ever going to leave hockey before now would have been because of an injury. But hearing it, feeling the reality of it is different. It’s so fucking final.
My entire life has been hockey, and the thought of stepping away hurts like hell. It’s more than just a job. It’s part of who I am. I take a deep breath, trying to make sense of my thoughts. The truth is, no matter how much I miss it, I have more to look forward to now, and that makes everything easier. Missing the ice, the locker room, the team—all of it is nothing compared to missing Rachel and Lily during the long, grueling hockey season. And what scares me most is there is now another, quieter feeling. The overwhelming sense of relief.
For the first time since I can remember, I won’t be pushing my body to its breaking point. Or drowning my time in random women. For the first time, I’m not defined by the game or my reputation, and I can be known for something else. Well no, the reputation will always be there, but now I have the chance to shift the perception that the world sees. For Rachel and Lily, I want to be the best version of myself, and that means fully present. The concept of giving it all up should scare the shit out of me, but it doesn’t. I’m ready for it, for my ‘something bigger’ to start now.
It’s that thought that I’m reinforced by for what I have to do and can’t put it off any longer. I pull up Nolan Wilder’s number and press the call button. The sound of the ring restricts the air in my lungs. I honestly don’t know if I’m so nervous because it’s a tough conversation or because it's the closing of a chapter.
“Wilder,” his voice comes through the line, gruff and familiar.
“Hey, Coach,” I say, my voice a little shaky.
“Oren. What’s up? How’s the rehab going?” he asks, but I can hear the hesitation in his voice. He already knows why I’m calling, I can feel it.
I take a deep breath. “Good, but not good enough, Coach. You’ll hear it from the team soon enough, but I wanted to be the one to tell you. This is the end for me.”
There’s a long pause, and I can picture Nolan pulling at his hair. “That’s tough, Oren,” he finally says. His voice lacks the intensity I expected and remains neutral. “I’m sorry to hear that. But I get it. It’s not easy walking away from the game.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. “Yeah. It’s hard as hell, but I think it’s time. The injury led me here but I was heading in this direction long before. I have Rachel and Lily now, and I don’t ever want to miss out again. They’re my focus. My life’s here.”
Nolan lets out a long, quiet sigh. “Well, if anyone’s earned a second chapter, it’s you. You gave everything to this team, and I’ll always be grateful for that. But I’m proud of you, Oren. And if anyone’s earned the right to focus on their family, it's you. We all knew one day, someone could get you to settle down. ”
I chuckle slightly before letting the silence linger. “What does this mean for me, then?” I ask, forcing the words out. “I don’t want to just disappear. I want closure, and so does the team as a whole.”
“We’ll do it right. Release an official statement before the season starts. PR will probably want a statement to go out to the fans, a special thank you to them. You’ve been an important part of this team, Oren. We’ll make sure you leave with the respect you deserve.” His words are in earnest.
His words are touching, raw, and hard to hear. A lump forms in my throat. “Thanks, Coach. That means a lot. I’ll always be a Red Wolf long after I leave the ice.”
“Damn right,” he says, his tone leaves no room for argument. “The team and I will be here for you, don’t forget that. Once the GM has everything handled on their end, I’ll be in touch. Until then, don’t worry about it, Oren.”
“Thanks for everything, Coach.”
We hang up, and I just sit there. It’s done. The chapter officially closed. And while there’s a deep sadness that comes with that, there’s also a sense of peace that I knew would come with a decision like this. The choice, my choice, has been made. It’s time to embrace what’s next.
Rachel and I sit around the kitchen table. Lily gave up on the rest of her dinner a long time ago and plays quietly with her toys. Each day since my conversation with Coach Wilder has been good and peaceful, the type of days that I could get used to, but there’s still something that’s off. Thoughts gnaw at my consciousness because what’s been bothering me has been doing it for a while. I set my fork down, getting my shit together.
"Rachel," I start softly, getting her attention. She looks up from her plate, her eyes curious. "I need to ask you something. About—well, us."
Fear flashes across her face, she raises an eyebrow, but never interrupts. All she does is give me time and space to get the words out.
"I love you. That’s not a secret. I don’t want you to do or say anything you don’t want to, but I just… I want to make sure you’re okay with this. With us." I pause, searching her face. After fortifying my voice, I continue, "I’ll wait as long as you need me to. Forever, if that’s what it takes.”
Rachel’s face softens. The vulnerability in her eyes makes my heart ache for her even more. She looks away quickly, taking a few deep breaths before looking back up at me. "It’s not that I don’t feel the same for you, Oren. I do. I’m just…scared," she admits. "I’m scared that one day you’re going to wake up and miss the old Oren. Being wild, not wanting to be tied down, all of the aspects of your life before Lily and me. That you’ll start missing that life and resent us for making you change."
I shake my head immediately, leaning forward, grabbing her hands in mine. "The Oren you originally met hasn’t gone anywhere, he has just changed. And that change was my choice to make alone. I will never resent you for that. You’ve only made me a better man. Plus, even the old Oren only has eyes for two girls now— you and Lily, and that will never change."
“Are you sure?” She bites her lip, trying to wring her fingers together, but I hold her hands tighter in mine. "I’ve always been independent, but once I let you in completely, I’m not so sure I’ll survive picking up the pieces that are left over if you leave us.”
"I’m never going anywhere.” I nod, understanding more than she probably realizes. I would be utterly lost if it wasn’t for Rachel and Lily. “I’ll be here patiently waiting until you are ready."
“That makes me happy,” she says with a heartwarming smile.
I know that she is the endgame for me. “I do have one other thing that might make us both even happier…” I say. “Come with me to pack up my apartment in Arizona. I’m bringing my important stuff back to Atlanta with me. What I don’t sell off or donate can go into a pod until it has somewhere to go. I’ll get an apartment or something, somewhere close by. I want to be as close to you and Lily as you are comfortable with. Are you happy with me being here in Atlanta permanently?”
Rachel’s mouth falls open. “Um…I. Yeah, sure. Lily and I will go with you to Phoenix. I think it's important that she experiences this with you.”
“Great!” I say with a smile. I get up to start putting away our dishes. As I start to walk away, I hear Rachel say something so I turn around and glance at her. “What was that?” I ask, confused.
“No apartment,” she says softly. “I want you to move all of your stuff in here. After we get back from Arizona.”
A giant grin breaks out over my face. “Deal.”
Flying back into Phoenix fills me with a strange sense of nostalgia. In reality, it wasn’t that long ago that I made this trip two to three, maybe more, times a week but with everything that has happened, it seems like a distant memory. The heaviness and daunting aspect of what needs to be done seems lighter and easier.
My old place was never much because it didn’t seem important. Before the trip, I made arrangements for a company to pack, store, and ship the small list of furniture that would come with me to Atlanta. The most important being my couch, that will be replacing Rachel's horrible concrete couch. The few personal items I wanted to handle myself, like the framed picture of my first game my mom gave me, all of my old jerseys, and the trophies and tokens that held sentimental value, don’t take long to get packed. Everything else will be donated to charity so that someone who needs it can have it. After a few hours of packing, we are done and the rest of our trip is spent with the team and my friends in Arizona. I think my last team dinner was the most bittersweet part of the entire trip. One thing I know for sure, is being there with Rachel and Lily made what could have been a painful experience so much better. But even them being there did nothing to ease the pain of having one last conversation with Coach after the last team dinner.
“Coach,” I say quietly, tipping my head toward him.
Nolan grunts in response, glancing behind us, observing my girls at the table before looking back at me. “Samuels,” he says, taking a sip of his drink, his eyes narrowing slightly like he knows what’s coming. “What’s on your mind?”
Leaning against the bar beside him, my thoughts heavy, “I signed all the paperwork and sent it over to the GM yesterday.” I exhale slowly, “I want you to know that the player I became is because of you. You pushed me and coached me toward being a better player. So, thank you.”
Nolan doesn’t say anything for a moment, just swirls his whiskey in his glass, watching the liquid catch the light. Finally, he nods, his voice firm. “Damn, asshole. That means a lot coming from you. Rehabbing from an injury is a hell of a road. And while I know you are capable of it, not many guys come out the other side the same.”
I nod, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. “It’s more than the injury, though. I can’t be split between two places anymore. It’s time to settle down with them.”
“You’re making the right call, Oren.” Nolan glances over at Rachel again, then back at me. He takes another sip, his expression softening just a bit. “Hockey? It’s a game. A damn good game, but still just a game. What you’ve got now? The chance to create a family. That’s real life.”
I’ve known this was the right decision for me, but hearing it from Nolan is different. It’s reassuring. He’s lived and breathed hockey, from a player to a coach. I don’t think he will ever give it up. Hearing him say that makes it feel like the final nail in the coffin. In both a good way and a bad one.
“I really needed to hear you say that, Coach. Thanks,” I say quietly. “I just…I’m going to miss it, you know?”
Nolan gives me a rare, genuine smile. “I know, but you’ll find your way. You’ve got more waiting for you than most guys when they leave. Don’t take it for granted. I can speak for myself and most of the team. You will still be hearing from us.”
I nod, swallowing hard as the reality of it all sinks in. I’m no longer a professional hockey player or a member of the Arizona Red Wolves. But for the things that I’ve lost, I've gained more, tenfold. “I won’t,” I say confidently, nodding my head again. “Thanks for everything, Coach.”