19. Sienna
Chapter 19
Sienna
I can’t sleep. Not when Luke is in a bedroom mere feet away. Not when my door doesn’t have a lock.
I’m filled with the same feeling I had that night when he snuck into my dorm—a restless need for him.
If Luke really is Ten, then he’s right that this thing between us is way more than sex. I’ve fantasized for years about the face beneath the mask, and Luke is even more gorgeous than I could’ve imagined. Ten is the best friend I’ve ever had, the person I trust most in this world, and I’ve always hoped that someday we’d meet and fall in love. I just assumed it was some silly fantasy, not something that could ever really happen.
Even though it’ll take me time to forgive him and he’ll need a great explanation for why he’s been ghosting me, he’s not the only one who’s been keeping secrets. We’re both guilty of that, and I can’t hold that against him without being the biggest hypocrite.
Maybe if I tell him my secret, he’ll tell me his.
Heart in my throat, I yank open my bedroom door and hurry down the hall to his room. I have to do this quickly, now, before I chicken out.
His door is shut when I reach it. I lift my fist to knock and hesitate. If I tell him what happened, I can’t take it back. This could change everything. He’ll know everything about me, and he might reveal the true identity of the man beneath the mask.
Sharing our secrets could bring us closer together. Or tear us apart.
I’m not sure which one I’m more afraid of.
I swallow, heart thumping, and knock. The whole house is silent. Beyond the door, no movement follows. I wait a few beats before knocking again. Still nothing.
I try the knob. He’s snuck into my room before—more than once—and it’s about time I return the favor.
But the knob doesn’t turn. He’s locked it. Locked me out.
The small bubble of hope in my chest deflates. What if Luke is Ten and he shuts me out again? What if I lose them both?
I’m not sure I’ll be able to recover from the loss.
Get a grip . I’m pathetic if I can’t get over an internet friend ghosting me and my stepbrother losing interest in me. I’m just like Mom—searching for a man to fill that hole in my heart.
I turn around and head back to my room.
Under the cloak of darkness, I sprint through the park, passing benches and rows of trees. Parents and children watch me race past, but none of them help me.
None of them stop the men from chasing me.
Their footsteps thunder behind me, getting closer and closer.
I’m panting, running as hard as I can with every muscle in my body on fire. Until my steps slow. I’m running through quicksand.
Their heavy breaths hit my ears. They’ve caught up to me.
Marcus’s voice rattles in my head. Found you .
I blink into the darkness of the dimly lit room. Sunlight trickles past the blackout curtains covering the windows.
At first, I’m certain the nightmare is what stirred me from sleep. Until something wet and soft strokes between my legs.
I attempt to clamp my thighs together, but there’s something hard and round between them.
Consciousness comes to me slowly. My shorts and panties are gone. Someone is hidden under the blanket, tongue sliding in my pussy as he groans at my taste. How long has he been doing this to me? Judging by the mess between my legs, he’s been eating me for a while.
His mouth latches onto my clit and sucks hard. Before I fully realize what’s happening, my pussy pulses and back arches, the orgasm hitting me.
I can’t help the broken moan that escapes, heart hammering in my chest. Pleasure pulses through me, bringing me to full consciousness.
What the fuck just happened?
He shifts under the blanket before emerging. I blink, trying to identify him, but a mask covers his face. The same one he wore the night he chased me in Nohren Hall—gray with scowling eyes and red devil horns.
“We’re in our parents’ house,” I whisper. “We could get caught.”
Luke shakes his head, trailing his fingers over my jaw. “They went out.”
We have the house to ourselves. I give him a sleepy smile. I don’t care if we’re step-siblings—I want him. I want him in my bed like this every night, and I’m tired of fighting it. We can keep this thing between us a secret.
We’re both great at keeping secrets.
I grip the hard muscles on his arms as he braces himself over me. “I knocked on your door earlier. You didn’t answer.”
His voice drops, intense and gravelly, as he threads a hand in my hair. “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”
He always knows exactly what to say. Just like Ten.
“Good.” I squeeze his arms, tears pricking my eyes. “This is exactly where I want you.”
His throat bobs. “Do you want me , Sienna?”
This is what he’s been waiting for. For his feelings for me to be reciprocated. I care about him, I know that. And I want him. Every inch. “Yes. I want you, Luke. I don’t care about the rest of it. Our parents or anybody else. I just know...I want you.”
He comes down on me, the nose of his mask brushing against my neck, and a whimper builds in my throat. The adrenaline and desire mix as wetness pools between my legs.
“I’ve wanted you for so fucking long.” Through the few pinprick holes in front of his mouth, Luke’s hot breath hits my bare skin. I’m already burning beneath his warmth. Then he murmurs, so low I almost can’t hear, “You have no idea how long.”
He trails his mask along my collarbone and across my chest, softly blowing the entire way. Goosebumps prick up along my skin. I’ve fantasized about sharing a bed with a masked man for a long time, but it’s a thousand times better knowing it’s Luke beneath the mask.
When he suddenly straightens, taking his warmth with him and leaving me in the cold, I nearly whine in protest. But before I get a chance, he lifts me up until I’m sitting, pulling my tank top over my head as tenderly as he did that first night.
My breasts fall in front of him, and through the mask, his eyes are glued to them. Eating me up. “Tell me how long, Luke.”
“How long what?”
“How long you’ve wanted me.”
He stiffens briefly before murmuring, “Since the moment I met you.”
Does he mean at the hotel bar or online? Why can’t he just admit to the truth? Why can’t I?
I push the thought aside. Neither of us is ready to bare our souls entirely. But we are ready for this.
“Can you blame me?” He pushes me back down and grabs my breasts with both hands, squeezing to the edge of pain. I gasp, wanting him more than I ever have. “Every inch of you is incredible.”
The tip of his masked nose glides down between my breasts and to my navel. He sweeps the mask from one hipbone to the other. All of my nerve endings collect where he touches me, making every brush of contact set me on fire.
I grab for the hair spilling out behind his mask. “Every inch of you is mouthwatering.”
He growls as I tug and wriggle beneath him. “Waiting to take you again has been agony.”
My heart is about to burst, and I gasp, “So stop waiting.”
His chuckle reverberates down my spine, and my god, I’ve missed that sound. “You’ve made me wait way too long, Sienna. Now I’m going to torture you the same way.”
Oh fuck . This is going to be a long night.
“Take your clothes off,” I breathe. I’m fully exposed in front of him while he’s completely covered. Even his face. I miss his hard, devastating body. I want to eat him up exactly like he’s doing to me.
He shakes his head. “Not yet. You’re going to have to suffer a lot longer than this.”
Goddamnit. The wait is already excruciating. My protest comes out in a whine. “ No .”
Luke slides off the bed. Onto his knees.
My heart stops.
Until he jolts it back to life by tugging me to the edge of the bed. He tucks my legs over his shoulders, spreading them wide. My bare pussy glistening in front of him.
Yet he still doesn’t remove his mask. Instead, he leans down, his mask brushing against my clit as he blows on my pussy.
I jerk beneath him. He tightens his grip on my legs, clamping them against his hot neck.
We’re both burning up. Both of us on the edge of exploding.
When he blows on my wet pussy again, I clutch at the bedsheet. I can’t help writhing beneath him. But his hold on me is so strong, I hardly move in his grasp.
He keeps blowing softly, his mask barely brushing against my clit. The overwhelming sensations are driving me insane. Enough to keep me aching, needing more, but nowhere near enough to drive me over the edge.
If this is anything like the agony I’ve inflicted on him, I’m a monster. I’m not going another day without letting this man get his hands on me.
Finally, he tosses the mask off his head. His intense, seductive, stormy eyes bore into my skull. No man has ever looked at me the way Luke Valentine does. “Keep your eyes on me, sweetheart.”
I do as I’m told just as Luke’s tongue sweeps up my slit.
When his tongue strikes that tense bundle of nerves, I cry out. Thank god our parents went out. There’s no way one of them wouldn’t already be storming up here to ask what all the noise is.
Only to find Luke kneeling between his stepsister’s legs.
When his tongue sweeps up me again, his throaty groan alone makes the muscles in my thighs wind tight. Jesus . I’m already on the verge of coming again.
The effect Luke Valentine has on me is beyond dangerous. It’s cataclysmic.
“You taste so fucking good, sweetheart.” His tongue swirls over my clit, sending shockwaves pulsing through my veins before he laps up the flood of arousal that trickles down to the bedsheet.
When he slides a finger in, I involuntarily clench around him. “You feel so fucking good.”
The groan that slips past his lips is obscene. “Fuck, Sienna. You’re so tight. I can’t wait to squeeze my cock inside you.”
An unexpected dose of panic zips up my spine. I’ve made a grave oversight. Luke’s cock barely fit inside me the last time we did this.
He must sense my uneasiness because he slides a second finger in, stretching me for him. We groan in unison. A man’s groan shouldn’t be enough to make me want to burst, but it is. My god, it is.
“You’re coming on my cock this time. And when I’m finally inside you, I’m not going easy on you. You’re getting fucked hard and fast.”
He went easy on me last time? There’s no way in hell?—
Luke’s tongue returns to my clit, stealing my breath. When his lips wrap around that sensitive nub and suck, my back arches and I tear at the bedsheet, pulling it up from the mattress. My cries echo in the room.
“God, that sound is so sexy,” he murmurs.
How have I gone so long without allowing this man to do whatever he wants to me? I must’ve had an iron will. That’s completely disintegrated now.
Just as the orgasm begins building, Luke drops my clit from his mouth and pops his fingers out of my pussy. Being brought to the edge of pleasure and suddenly having it stolen away makes the corners of my eyes sting. “No. Please don’t stop. I need more.”
I yelp when Luke abruptly stands and flips me onto my stomach. He doesn’t give me a chance to orient myself to the new position before he’s hauling my hips up.
His hands leave my skin only briefly as he yanks his shirt and pants off. I ogle him as he strips, admiring the ripple of hard muscle beneath taut skin. He is perfect. A specimen to be admired, studied.
When he catches me watching him in the dark, a grin blooms across his face. He grabs his throbbing cock and gives it one long, slow stroke. “Watch me while I fuck you, Sienna.”
My name is filthy leaving his lips. A four-letter word. R-rated. Not suitable for virgin ears. Hell, he’s making me blush.
But I do as he instructs, leaning down on my elbows and never taking my eyes off him as he presses the tip of his cock at my entrance.
Despite his promise to fuck me fast and hard, he sheaths his cock inside me slowly, deliberately.
I hiss at the stretch. The burn of his cock inside me makes me claw at the mattress again. I don’t know how much more I can take.
His hand slips around to rub my clit, mixing the pain with overwhelming pleasure and building that orgasm back up. “That’s my good fucking girl.”
His growl makes me shiver. My cheek falls to the mattress, neck weak, and my eyes flutter shut.
A sharp slap on my ass makes me gasp and eyes fly open to find him glaring at me. “What did I tell you? Eyes on me.”
What the fuck have I gotten myself into? I should’ve known the moment I met Luke Valentine that my life was changed forever.
I force my eyes to stay open and glued on him as he slowly rocks his hips back. Once the tip is all that remains inside me, he slams in to the hilt.
A scream rips from my throat, and the bed rocks with every movement as Luke buries his cock inside me over and over. The intensity makes my head grow lighter. I’ve never passed out from sex before, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Luke fucks me back to unconsciousness.
My nails bite into the mattress, and he holds me firmly in place with one hand on my hip while the other frantically circles my clit, driving pleasure through me to unprecedented levels.
“You feel so fucking good,” he pants, barely audible over the frantic smack of skin on skin. “I’m going to paint you with my cum.”
I expect him to yank out of me, but he keeps up the delicious torment, pounding into me relentlessly. No matter how badly he aches to come, he’s going to make sure I finish first. That his cock slamming inside me is what makes me scream this time.
When he presses down harder on my clit, the familiar crescendo of an orgasm climbs steadily to the crest. My legs and arms tighten as I brace for the impact.
Luke’s stormy gray gaze boars into mine as he splits me in two. My name leaving his lips on a mix of a groan and a plea is my undoing. “ Sienna .”
Release barrels through me and I can’t keep my eyes on him anymore as they cross through the overwhelming waves of pleasure.
My throat grows hoarse as I scream around the gag, and Luke hisses a string of curses and praise as his thrusts turn shallow and staccato.
I jerk, yelping and collapsing onto the bed as he suddenly pulls out of me. Hot cum hits my ass and then my back. Was that my neck? Jesus Christ . He meant it when he said he’d paint me in his cum.
I’m still panting and weak, nowhere near recovered, when Luke returns and cleans the cum off me with a towel. “At least you’re a gentleman afterward,” I mumble.
He smirks. “Next time, I’ll make sure to come where you can lick it off.” When I part my lips, he adds, “Or maybe I’ll just come in your mouth. No mess to clean up then.”
I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been eager to swallow somebody’s cum before, but Luke Valentine is a totally different beast. A Devil.
Luke climbs onto my bed and throws the blanket over us.
“What the hell are you doing?” Spinning to face him, I try to push him out, but he tosses an arm around my waist, pinning me against him.
“Going to bed. Big day tomorrow.” He’s so beautiful this close. I want to memorize every inch of his face so I see it in my dreams.
“What’s tomorrow?”
“I plan on waking you up with a slow, tender fuck before our parents come looking for us.”
Panic thrums through my veins at the possibility of our parents waltzing in here and catching us. “They can’t know.”
He squeezes me. “They won’t.”
“Do you still think they’ll split up?”
When he hesitates, my heart drops. “I don’t know,” he admits.
“What happens if they don’t?” I whisper.
His hand drifts up to my hair, tucking it behind my ear. “You’ll always be mine, Sienna. No matter what. Nobody will come between us.”
“But what if they do?” I blink back the tears that threaten to spill out. “They don’t have to let me stay here. If they find out?—”
“They won’t.” His voice is hard, sure. “We won’t tell anyone. Not until we graduate. Then we can go anywhere, and I’ll keep you safe.”
“You’re okay with keeping us a secret?”
He gives me a small smile. “Your crazy friend talked sense into me.”
Juliet . So they weren’t flirting after all. More like conspiring. I grin. God, I love her.
“I’ll do anything to keep you. Anything. Even if that means I can’t hold your hand in public. Even if that means I can’t kiss you when someone else is in the room, no matter how much it kills me. As long as you’re mine, the rest doesn’t matter.”
My heart soars. He’s willing to make that sacrifice. For me. To keep me, and to keep me safe.
But to keep me safe, he needs to know what happened with Marcus. He deserves to know the truth. “I need to tell you something.”
His arm around me stiffens. “What?”
I take a shaky breath. “I’ve been getting these threatening texts and...I think they’re from someone back home.”
I could mention the times I’ve spotted the red Cadillac and the hazel eyes beneath the mask at the party that I thought belonged to Marcus, but I’m still not sure if that was actually him or someone else. Or drunken paranoia.
Just by saying the words out loud, a small weight lifts off my chest. It’s not my burden alone to bear anymore.
Luke pulls back from me so he can peer into my eyes, brows scrunched low. “Who?”
My heart pounds with the terror that after I tell him the truth, he won’t look at me the same anymore. But I can’t keep this secret bottled up any longer.
“His name is Marcus.” I sit up and take a deep breath, attempting to calm my racing heart. “Last summer, I thought I saw something. Something bad. Really, really bad.” A lump lodges in my throat at the memory, flashing through my mind again like a movie I’ve watched a hundred times. “A crime.”
Luke doesn’t interrupt as I keep going, silent and motionless other than his hand brushing up and down my arm. Comforting. Encouraging. Nowhere feels safer to me than when I’m in Luke Valentine’s arms.
So I finally tell him everything.
That night, Juliet wasn’t responding to my texts. We had plans to hang out, but she mentioned earlier that she might want to meet up with Marcus first. When she didn’t answer my calls either, I knew where to find her.
Her parents built a giant treehouse for her when we were in middle school. Truly giant . Like one of those treehouses you see built on reality TV shows. That became our fortress, our castle. Where we’d go when we wanted a place that was just for us. On warm summer nights, we’d even sleep out there.
That’s the first place I went. Maybe she was waiting for me and her phone died. Juliet wasn’t the most reliable texter, but she almost always followed through on plans. If nothing else, Juliet is dependable, even if she’s rarely predictable.
I snuck past the gate onto Juliet’s huge family property. A few lights from the first floor of her massive house trickled onto the pristine, manicured front lawn. A trail of calf-high lamps bordered either side of the stone walkway that led to their front door. Visiting Juliet was like entering a castle. If I didn’t love her so much, I’d envy her for her fantasy life.
But I knew what Juliet had been through, and it wasn’t anything to envy.
Her parents’ Mercedes wasn’t in the driveway, but Juliet’s Audi was. So was Marcus’s Cadillac.
I should’ve turned around then. Waited for Juliet to text me after he left. But I waltzed up to the front door and tried the knob. Locked. I knocked, rang the doorbell. Silence.
So I slunk around the house and into the backyard like a burglar until I was standing at the foot of the ladder that led up to the towering treehouse. I didn’t hear anything, no voices. Probably another dead-end. Juliet and Marcus were likely up in her room fucking, so she’d want to meet me out here anyway. I’d just wait for her.
I climbed the ladder, each rung groaning slightly under my weight. The treehouse was years old now, the ladder aged and better at withstanding the weight of the two twelve-year-olds we were than the nineteen-year-olds we’d become.
This was our safe place. Our sanctuary. It was supposed to stay that way.
Once I reached the top of the ladder, I could make out a person hunched over in the darkness.
Wait. Not one. Two. One of them was bracing on all fours, the other prone on the wooden floor beneath them.
Juliet’s parents had lights built into the treehouse. We always turned them on when we were out here in the dark.
But Marcus kept them off.
His grunts were the first thing my senses registered. Then it was the thrusts of his hips.
My face burned and I was about to climb back down before they noticed me until I spotted the rope he tightened around her neck.
Beneath him, Juliet was silent. I’d overheard her having sex with guys often enough that I knew she wasn’t quiet in bed.
Certainly never silent.
Worse, she wasn’t moving. She was limp beneath him, her head lolled to the side and eyes shut.
My best friend was unconscious. While Marcus?—
After that, there were no thoughts in my head. My body went into panic mode, acting of its own accord like I was watching myself move but my mind wasn’t in control of any of it. “What the hell ?”
Marcus dropped the rope and stopped the second he saw me. He scrambled off Juliet, tugging his pants back on with a jangle of his belt.
Her face was red from lack of oxygen. From how hard he’d been choking her with the rope.
“What the fuck are you doing to her?” The scream ripped from my throat so violently, I wondered if the vibration of your vocal chords could scar you.
He held up his hands. “It’s not what it looks like. She wanted it.”
She wanted it . How many fucking times has that been used as a defense for men who take what they want without permission?
No . Not Juliet. Not my best friend. She’d already been through enough. I wouldn’t let this monster get away with it.
Hot tears stung my eyes, but I blinked them away. I’d break down later. Right now, I needed to get this motherfucker far away from her.
Trembling, I moved between them, pointing to the ladder. “Leave.”
He hesitated, and my heart dropped. I came up here without a weapon. I didn’t have anything to defend myself or my best friend. He was a football player. He could hurt both of us.
“No. I’m telling you, she wanted this. Just wait for her to wake up?—”
“Get the fuck out!” Fury blinded me. All I saw was black as I lunged at him and shoved.
“Sienna!” A small, husky voice called out in the dark. “No! Don’t!”
But it was too late. His foot caught on the ladder, and my lungs froze as his arms windmilled and he tumbled back, plummeting into the darkness.
He didn’t scream as he fell.
The next second, a sickening thud as his body hit the ground.
Juliet climbed onto wobbly legs, scrambling for the exit. “What did you do? He wasn’t doing anything wrong!”
“He had you unconscious!” The tears spilled down my cheeks, my heart breaking that I had to be the one to tell her what Marcus was doing to her. “He was...”
She shook her head adamantly. “He wasn’t! I wanted it like that. Fuck !”
Juliet scrambled down the ladder and screamed his name, shaking him. Marcus’s leg was bent at the wrong angle. My stomach turned and I heaved.
Now, my hands shake as I relive that night with Luke. “Juliet wanted to try breath play. He’d choke her until she was unconscious and stop until she came to. Then he’d do it again, if she told him to. She explained that to the police, so they didn’t press charges. She forgave me right away; she knew why I did what I did. But Marcus...” I squeeze my eyes shut, and Luke sits up, pulling me close. “The injuries he sustained to his leg and back were permanent. Physical therapy might help him, but he’ll never play football again. He had to give up his scholarship. He had to give up his team and his future. All because of me.”
Luke hooks his hand under my chin, forcing my gaze up to his. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Sienna. You did what any good person would’ve done in that situation. You thought you were witnessing a crime, and you stopped it. The fact that it was happening to your best friend made it that much worse.”
I shake my head. “I should’ve waited until she woke up. I should’ve waited ten more seconds. Then she could’ve explained and Marcus wouldn’t have gotten hurt?—”
“It’s not your fault.” His conviction breaks me, and I bury my head against his chest as a sob wracks through me. He wraps his arms around me tight, squeezing like he’ll never let me go. “If I’d walked in on anything like that happening to you...” He pauses, collecting himself as he swallows audibly. “I would’ve killed him.”
I cry harder. Too hard to speak. Luke Valentine would kill for me. Somehow, I didn’t need him to make the promise out loud to know he would.
“He’s the one who attacked you.” Luke’s voice is gentler now, even as a current of rage underlies his words. “You moved here to get away from him.”
I sniffle, managing to pull myself together enough to form watery words. “Yeah. Him and two of his friends. They attacked me in the park. But I left because they turned the whole town against me. Everyone saw him as the golden boy, the star athlete, and I was a nobody. I was just Juliet’s best friend, the poor girl with a single mom glomming onto the rich kids. Mom and I knew they wouldn’t get punished for what they did to me. They have family in law enforcement. Everyone in Wakefield sided with Marcus, and I became their villain.”
“Who gives a fuck what you are to them,” Luke says simply. “You’re a hero to Juliet. That’s what matters.”
“I’m not a hero to her.” I choke on the sob building up again. “I ruined her life. I ruined her chance with Marcus, and now she’s uprooted her whole life to come here with me. I’m a burden.”
A burden to Juliet, to my mother, to my father, to Deb, to Luke. To everyone.
Luke sits up, pulling me close until I’m straddling him. Our noses are inches apart as he holds my face with both hands. “You are not a burden, Sienna. Juliet moved here with you because she loves you. She’s your best friend, and I guarantee if the roles were reversed, she would’ve done the same thing. That’s why she followed you here—because you’re her best friend. And you proved it that night.”
My nose stings as I try to blink back the tears.
“I’m glad you’re here. Because if you didn’t leave Wakefield, I never would’ve met you.” His hand caresses my jaw, and his crystal-lined eyes trace my face. “And meeting you is the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I throw my arms around him, burying my face in his shoulder and losing myself again. I can’t remember the last time I cried this much, but a catharsis washes over me. Like I’ve been bottling up these tears for a lifetime and it feels so fucking good to finally let them out.
Meeting you is the best thing that ever happened to me . I think it might be the best thing that ever happened to me too. Luke makes me feel safer, sexier, happier than anyone else ever has. He makes me feel loved unconditionally.
And I think I’m starting to fall for him too.
“Morning, gorgeous.” The rumble of Luke’s morning voice blended with that tinge of a Southern accent makes my toes curl.
I’ve barely blinked awake before his hand caresses my jaw and he brings his lips down onto mine. Sunlight peeks around the edges of the blackout curtain. I wish we could stay here all day. Stay in this blissful bubble, where nothing and no one else exists.
His tongue slides past my lips and he flips me onto my back, sliding his hand down my stomach?—
A knock makes me yelp. “Sienna? Are you up?”
Shit . My fucking dad .
Before I can shove Luke out of bed, he grabs my chin. “Confront him.”
“What?” I hiss. “No! Go hide.”
His eyes narrow. “Not about us. About him abandoning you. Tell him how it really made you feel.”
“Fine.” I push him toward the edge of the mattress. “Just go !”
His bare ass is mouthwatering as he snatches his clothes and ducks into the closet, silently shutting the doors behind him.
“Just a second!” I call, scrambling to slip back into my shirt and shorts. “Come in!”
Even with my permission, Dad eases the door open slowly. “Good morning, kiddo. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I wasn’t sure what time you usually get up.”
I offer him a smile. “It’s okay. I was up. Just on my phone.”
“Oh, good.” He shuffles into my room like he’s uncertain of every step before perching on the edge of my mattress. “Now that we’re home, I wanted to check in. Make sure you’re adjusting to school, that you’re comfortable here.”
Thank god . He doesn’t know about me and Luke. Every tight muscle in my body relaxes. “It’s great, actually. I’m definitely comfortable here. Deb is really nice.”
He smiles. “She is very nice,” he agrees. “I’m glad you like her. And Luke?”
I stiffen, bracing for his throaty chuckle from the closet, but he keeps quiet.
He’s right, though. I need to finally confront my dad. About everything. “He’s nice too. I feel really welcome.” I clear my throat, not sure which subject I want to discuss with my father less—my new stepbrother or my parental abandonment. “I actually wanted to talk to you.”
He straightens, pressing his lips together like he knew this conversation was coming. “Of course. What’s on your mind?”
“Why did you pick gambling over us?” Just saying the words out loud brings fresh tears to my eyes. I thought I’d buried down the pain, compartmentalized it, but now that the question is out, a new wave of hurt crashes over me.
My dad drops his gaze to his lap, where his hands are clasped together. He shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, Sienna. There’s no excuse. I can only tell you what I’ve learned in therapy—that addiction is a sickness. A sickness that sometimes leads us to make the worst decisions of our lives. That makes us hurt the people we love the most.” He pauses, taking a moment to compose himself. Seeing him get choked up only brings more tears to my eyes. “My greatest regret is leaving you and your mother. Your mother made the right call, asking me to leave when I couldn’t stop.” He rubs the back of his neck, letting out a brief, self-deprecating laugh. “I’ve spent the years since trying to become better for her, to deserve her. But it wasn’t until I found therapy last year that I was able to really...start trying to be the man I’ve always wanted to be. By then, I knew it was already too late to fix my broken marriage. But with you.” His hand lands on my knee and he squeezes. “I hoped you’d still let me be your father, even if it’s a second chance I don’t deserve.”
I already want to throw my arms around him and let him hug me while I cry, but I restrain myself and bite my trembling lip. “It really hurt. You only sent me cards on holidays. I got one awkward phone call on my birthday. I thought you left because of me.” My hands and voice tremble, but I have to get this out. I have to tell him everything. “It made me feel like shit. Like I wasn’t lovable. Like I couldn’t ever make someone mad or upset with me because then they’d leave for good, and I’d never see them again. Just like you.”
He scoots closer, the hand on my knee squeezing. “I’m so sorry?—”
“And Mom.” I gasp as the tears spill down my cheeks now. My chest aches, from all the years of keeping the hurt bottled up. “You know how many times I came home to find her crying on the couch? You broke us. But I could get over you breaking me—I couldn’t get over you breaking her. Not my mom.”
The sob racks through me as my father finally wraps me in a hug, pulling me close and enveloping me in his woodsy scent. The hug I’ve been needing for years. For what feels like a lifetime.
“I’m so sorry, Sienna,” he repeats, his voice cracking. He’s trying to stay strong for both of us. He knows only one of us deserves to cry, to be comforted. “I’m sorry I hurt you, and your mom. I didn’t know how to be a dad. Or a husband. I could barely be a person.” He clears his throat. “But that’s no excuse. I’ll never make excuses for my behavior. I was wrong, and I understand if you can’t forgive me. I don’t expect it. But I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be the father you deserve, even if I never succeed.”
I nod against his chest. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully forgive him, if the pain of his abandonment will ever truly go away. But I want him in my life. I want us both to try to repair the father-daughter relationship we once had.
When we’ve both finally composed ourselves, he pulls back and swipes at a tear on my cheek. “I’m sorry you blamed yourself, Sienna. I’m sorry you lived with that feeling for so long. But you did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don’t ever think that. Not for another second.”
I nod, unable to speak, and let him hug me again. The familiar, heavy weight that’s been resting on my shoulders for so long has been lifted.
Luke did that for me. If not for him, I never would’ve confronted my father. Never would’ve gotten the closure I so desperately needed.
No matter what we are to each other, no matter what happens, I’ll always be grateful to him for that.