36. Scarlet
Scarlet
Dynah- Flashback
The knife feels weird in my hands as I lay on my bed twirling it around above me. I’m kicked back, my feet are on the wall I usually rest my back on, and my head is where my ass is supposed to be.
I have no idea what time it is, but I hear my parents sleeping in their room.
After the last man left, I snuck out while my parents were downstairs and went exploring in their room. I found a lot of things, but this was the only one I wanted to keep.
A small black pocket knife with a steel blade. It’s not rusted, and it's very sharp. I don’t know who it belongs to, but I don’t think anyone will miss it. I toss it back and forth between my hands, feeling the coldness of the metal. Most people use knives to open things like packages, but I can’t help but wonder if it will open things like me…
I want to feel the pain. I need to know that I’m still alive and this isn’t a dream. It’s been so long that I’ve felt like I’ ve died– felt underwater. Like everything is clouded by someone else’s judgement. It’s time I find my own. It’s time that I try to figure out what my life is really about.
I sit up suddenly, my feet falling away from the wall and crossing underneath myself. I can’t let Father know I’m the one who did this. If he thinks a man did this to me, he’d laugh, but if he thinks I did it, then he will beat me black and blue.
Fuck it.
I pull up my pant leg until I can see the skin on my thigh. Bruises cover the surface, but they don’t belong to me. They may be on my skin, but I didn’t do it. They belong to the other people who have hurt me. It’s their memories, not mine. I need one of my own.
Flipping the knife open, I gulp.
Am I ready for this? Do I really want to know what this feels like?
I press the blade into my thigh, pushing and pulling at the same time. Blood instantly comes out of the fresh wound, the pain making me feel grounded for once. I drop the knife to the bed, letting the blood leak out of my thigh and onto the mattress below me.
This is my doing. This is my pain.