31. Ironic Epiphany
Ironic Epiphany
thirty-one
E m e r s o n
Iwanted so badly to be out of this dungeon, but I haven't been able to bring myself to leave. Even with Damon's lifeless corpse in the other room growing stiff and his tainted, velvety blood coating my skin, I can't seem to take a few steps to the front door. Instead, I pluck a cigarette out of his pack and light it, feeling the rush from the invasion of cancerous smoke filter through my entire body.
The throbbing pain in my bones hasn't stopped, but I've learned to ignore it. The horrific memories of his vile torment still linger in the depths of my mind, but I refuse to let them define me. With each second that I stand here, staring at the dinghy front door, I can feel his blood start to dry on my skin, making me extremely itchy.
I need to shower.
Finding the bathroom in his little one-bedroom apartment isn't hard. Walking past the bedroom where he lies dead on the floor is.
But I force myself to do it. The apartment feels so small and suffocating as I walk down the small hallway, forcing myself not to look in the bedroom.
I reach the bathroom and flip on the flickering light, stripping off my bloodstained clothes and stepping into the hot, steaming water. The warmth soothes my itching skin, and I scrub furiously, trying to rid myself of any remaining traces of him. It doesn't even phase me that I'm scrubbing my skin raw.
As I stand under the water, I think about what I'm going to tell my brother and the rest of the guys. Why do they need to know about what happened here? About what I did in retaliation. I don't want their pity. Looking down as the scalding water cascades over me, I get lost in the swirl of the bloody water as the drain sucks it down, a never-ending whirlpool of red.
I stand here until the water turns cold and clear, knowing for certain that every spec of Damon's blood is washed away from my body, but I still don't feel clean.
Stepping out of the shower, I dress in the extra set of clean clothes I packed, shoving the bloody ones into a bag to burn before I head home.
I gather my belongings and make my way to the front door, taking one last look at the room where I endured so much horror. Flashbacks of my time bound to the bed attack my mind, threatening to send me into a spiral, but I force them down as far as they'll go, refusing to let Damon and his evil corrupt me any longer.
I'll move past this shit, just like anything else I've had to overcome. I know it won't be easy. I know it won't be overnight. But I'm determined to fight for my peace of mind, no matter how fucking hard it is. No matter how long it takes.
On my way out, I grab a bottle of vodka sitting on the small kitchen counter and pocket what's left of the cigarettes I'd been smoking, needing something to fill the void inside of me.
With a deep breath, I turn the doorknob and step out into the fresh air, leaving the darkness of the dungeon behind me.
Finally, I am free.
I notice my bike parked beside his building, and relief floods through me. The itch to ride is overwhelming; I just want to feel the wind in my hair. I walk over, dropping my bloody clothes in a cheaply made burn pit, and dousing them in the vodka I grabbed before striking a match. As my clothes erupt into flames, I lean against my bike and watch the fire, the crackling echoing in my ears. I stay until there's nothing left but ash, feeling like a piece of my soul was sucked out of my body and burned along with it.
Finally, it's time to leave this place behind and forget about what went on here. I take a deep breath and swing my leg over my bike, revving the engine and feeling the familiar rush of freedom and safety wash over me.
As I speed away from Damon's mysterious apartment, I can feel the weight of his torment and manipulation slowly slipping away. The wind whips through my hair like I've been craving, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I feel the anxiety I've been carrying for so long dissipate from my body.
I ride freely as the storm clouds roll across the velvety sky, the open, winding road stretching out before me. As the clouds turn dark and angry, I realize that I'm finally ready to face the truth of what happened and seek the help I need to move forward.
Not just the truth about what Damon put me through, but the truth about how much my parents' murders affected me.
I didn't want to admit that I was as broken as I was. I tried to put on a brave facade, but even I could see right through it.
I was fucking weak.
I didn't want to deal with the internal pain of losing them, so I pretended that I was okay even though I wasn't.
I was the furthest thing from okay there was.
I was miserable. I was lost. I was self-destructive.
I felt like no one would ever love me like my parents did. Of course, no one would love me like they did.
But I didn't even want anyone to love me, because I was terrified that I was incapable of loving anyone back.
But Seven helped me break the chains that kept me heavily guarded. He showed me how much I was loved—how much he loved me. He made me realize that I truly loved him back, but I was too fucking afraid to admit it.
Kane helped me realize that it was okay to open up and allow myself to seek comfort in someone who would guide me through the tough times like my father used to. He helped me see that I didn't only think of him as someone I could look up to, but someone I could trust to take care of me in ways that I never had—ways I'd never allow.
Ace showed me what it was like to love unconditionally, to be proud and unashamed, and to fight for what and who I wanted no matter who thought it was wrong or forbidden.
And Stone, Stone showed me how to let down my guard and break the walls around my heart, showing me that it was okay to love your friends more than just a friend. Sometimes, a friendship is just a cover for something really beautiful, something worth risking a friendship over because it might just be what you'd always hoped for.
Most importantly, they all showed me that I could stop hiding in the darkness and letting the scars control me; that it's time to confront the demons and reclaim my life.
With a newfound love, confidence, and determination, I ride into the eye of the storm with a smile on my face as the ice starts melting from around my heart, leaving behind the traumas and horrors of the past and embracing the promise of a brighter future where I know that I'll be okay.