Chapter 4 #2
"That's perfect. Now, I want you to imagine that part of you—the part that feels the buzzing—isn't alone. That there's someone else noticing it, too. Not outside of you, but right there, inside, sharing that space."
Anna flinches. Just a small jerk, but I feel it like a punch to the gut.
"It's okay," Dr. Ezra soothes. "You're safe. No one's taking over. You're just noticing together."
Her breathing picks up, fast and shallow.
"Anna," I whisper, my voice low and hopefully grounding. I don't reach for her, but I lean in slightly, letting her feel my presence. "I'm right here, love. Just you and me. You're doing so well."
A tear slips down her cheek, but she nods.
"Good," Dr. Ezra says softly. "Can you ask if someone else notices the buzzing too? You don't have to force an answer. Just ask, on the inside."
Anna's lips move soundlessly at first. Then, in a voice so faint it's barely there, she whispers, "Do you feel this too?"
The room feels like it holds its breath.
Nothing happens. Then... her fingers twitch again, more pronounced this time.
"What do you notice?" Dr. Ezra asks.
Anna swallows hard. "It feels... different. Like... more."
"More?"
"Like the buzzing isn't just mine." Her voice cracks on the last word.
My heart aches. I want to pull her into my arms, to shield her from this. From everything. But I stay still. This is her fight, and my role is to stand guard at her side.
"That's very brave, Anna," Dr. Ezra says.
Anna shakes her head slightly. "I'm not brave," she whispers.
"Yes, you are," I say, calm but sure. I'm not sure if this is some sort of hypnosis, but if I can land any truths that have a hope of sticking, I want to affirm all the things I know my Anna is. "You're brave and so, so strong."
"Now focus on observing a memory together," Dr. Ezra says, voice steady as always. "You'll just be observing it, not reliving it. The goal is to notice, not to judge or change anything."
Anna gives a stiff nod, her jaw tight. I feel her heartbeat in the space between us, even if I can't touch her.
"Is that okay for both of you?" Dr. Ezra asks gently, and I know he's not referring to me.
Wow. Has he managed to actually get both Anna and Mads here at the same time?
If so, it's a breakthrough. I know Mads has been stubborn about coming out during these sessions when Dr. Ezra tries to coax her forth.
Was Anna right? Is it me being here that's the difference?
She hesitates, then murmurs, "Yes."
"Good. Domhnall, your role continues to be the same—be here, be supportive, and remember, there's no need to fix anything."
I nod, my chest heavy with all the things I want to fix but can't.
Dr. Ezra shifts his gaze back to Anna. "Keep your eyes closed if it feels safe. Take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth."
Anna's eyes flutter but stay shut. Her breath is shallow at first, then it gradually deepens.
"Now," Dr. Ezra continues softly, "I want you to bring to mind a memory. Something neutral or mildly emotional. A safe memory. Domhnall, is there one you'd like to suggest?"
My throat feels tight, but I manage to say, "Maybe one of our picnics by the Dublin River. When we were teenagers."
Anna's brow furrows slightly, but she doesn't open her eyes.
"Perfect," Dr. Ezra says. "Anna, Mads, I want you both to observe this memory. No need to fully step into it, just watch it like a scene in a film. Notice what you see, what you feel. Take your time."
The room falls into a thick, almost sacred silence. I watch Anna's face, the tiny shifts—a twitch of her lip, the crease between her brows deepening.
"What do you notice?" Dr. Ezra asks after a long moment.
Anna speaks first—at least I think it's Anna—and her voice is flat, clinical. "The grass was damp. Not ideal for a picnic. Domhn brought a blanket, but it wasn't thick enough to keep the moisture from seeping through."
I feel a small smile tug at the corner of my mouth. Trust Anna to remember the technical details.
"What else?" Dr. Ezra prompts gently.
"The sandwiches were poorly made. The bread was a little stale. And he forgot the mustard," she adds, matter-of-factly.
I huff a soft laugh. "Guilty."
Dr. Ezra smiles but keeps his focus. "Thank you, Anna. Now, can Mads share what she notices?"
There's a pause and a shift in Anna's posture. Then her voice changes slightly. It becomes warmer, breathier, with a note of wildness beneath it.
"The sun was golden," Mads says, her words spilling out like a river breaking its banks.
"It made Domhnall's hair glow, like he was made of light.
The breeze smelled like wildflowers and river water.
I remember how my chest felt too small for all the feelings crammed inside it.
His laugh was the best part—it made the world feel safe.
" Her face softens. "Like nothing bad could ever happen as long as he was laughing. "
My heart twists, hearing her version.
Dr. Ezra nods thoughtfully. "Thank you, Mads. Both of you noticed different things. Anna, your observations were detailed, focused on facts. Mads, yours were vivid and emotional. Neither is wrong. They're just different perspectives of the same moment."
Anna's breathing shifts again, her face tightening.
"How does it feel to hear each other's version?" Dr. Ezra asks gently.
Anna swallows hard. "I don't know. Strange."
"What's strange about it?"
"It... feels like we weren't even at the same picnic."
"That makes sense," Dr. Ezra soothes. "But you were. You just experienced it differently. Anna, can you acknowledge Mads's feelings, even if they don't match your own?"
Anna hesitates, then whispers, "I hear you. I—" She hesitates, then tries again. "I think I have that memory of what you're saying, too. He did glow. Was it because you thought that?"
Mads doesn't say anything for a moment. "I dunno. He just looked like a god. How could you look at anything else but him?"
Dr. Ezra gently prompts, "Let's go a little deeper. Anna, can you recall another detail?"
Anna's voice is measured, a tiny frown forming between her brows. "There were ants near the corner of the blanket. I kept watching them, trying to predict their paths."
Mads's laugh is bittersweet. "I remember you being quiet, Donny, but I didn't mind. It was like you were lost in the moment. I kept thinking how beautiful you looked, like you were part of the landscape. Like the river curved around you on purpose."
Anna's brow furrows deeper. "I wasn't thinking about that. I was just trying to avoid getting bitten."
Dr. Ezra nods. "Notice how your perspectives fill in different parts of the picture. Anna, can you reflect on Mads's feelings without needing to correct them?"
Anna's lips press thin, then she sighs softly. "I hear that you felt that way. Even if it wasn't my experience."
Mads mutters, "Fucking ants? Seriously?"
Dr. Ezra encourages, "One more round. Anna?"
Anna's voice is quieter now. "Domhnall's shoes were muddy. I kept wondering how they got so muddy."
Mads's response comes quickly, "I remember those shoes. I thought the mud made him look adventurous, like he'd walked through something wild just to be there with us."
I chuckle softly. "Well, I did walk through something wild. I cut through North Inner City Dublin while it was raining to get there on time."
Anna's lips twitch slightly. Almost a smile.
But then something shifts—her breathing grows uneven, and her hands clench into fists. Her shoulders tense, and when she speaks again, the voice is undeniably Mads's—sharper, breathier, and dripping with frustration.
"Why do you always have to make it clinical?" Mads bites out, eyes snapping open, blazing with emotion. "It wasn't just ants and muddy shoes. It was us, there. It mattered."
Dr. Ezra's calm doesn't waver. "Mads, I hear you. This is a lot. Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"
Mads shakes her head, tears brimming, even as her chin juts out. "I feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm always the one drowning while she's just... floating above it all, not even getting wet."
My heart pounds at her words. Is that really what she feels like? I spend all my time worrying about Anna, but there's this very real other part of her. And she's... drowning?
"This is bullshit." Mads shoves to her feet. "We don't need this." She glares around Dr. Ezra's office with her hands on her hips, huffing like an angry bull.
Dr. Ezra gives me a nod, a silent signal: Let her be.
I stand up, jaw clenched. She's drowning, and I'm failing her. Failing them, as surely as I did when they needed me nine years ago.
Mads grins over at me—fully Mads now, Anna gone wherever it is one of them goes while the other is out and dominant—and grabs my hand. "Let's dip out, babe, and go do something fun for once. I never get you in daylight!"