Chapter Thirty-Four
Wes
Something keeps hitting me in my face. I slap it away, too exhausted and too numb inside to do anything but return to sleep. Whatever it is though, the assault only gets more aggressive.
Followed by an unamused “Wake up, fucker.”
Pulling a pillow over my head, I mumble, “I can’t deal with you right now, PJ. Go find someone else to torment.”
“Are you kidding me? Fallon said he’s tired of your mopey ass sitting around here and not talking about what happened, so I came to get a front-row seat to the drama.”
A crunching noise has me rolling onto my back and cracking open one bleary eye. “Are you actually eating popcorn?”
The door to my bedroom swings open. “PJ, what did I tell you about the popcorn?”
My brother stands there giving his dominant boy toy a look that’s half exasperation and half affection. For once, I’m fucking jealous. Three days ago I left two dominant boy toys of my own in their apartment. I’ve been hating life ever since.
I can’t bring myself to discuss it. And even though every day feels like I’m dying inside, I can’t bring myself to go back. Can’t shake the feeling they’d be better off with someone who can give them the world, like that dickbag Rigby can.
So the guy’s married. So what? I was too, until recently. Sure hasn’t stopped the man from sleeping with them anyway.
“Fuck.” I slam my head back into my pillow and try to cover my face again with the other one. I’m thwarted by my brother, who grabs it and forces me to look at him.
“This feels like backwards day,” he says. “You’re the one wallowing in bed as if someone died, and I’m the one being a responsible adult.”
Except in my brother’s case, last year his wife actually died, and what I thought was being a responsible adult was actually me being a controlling asshole.
I force myself to sit up. “Fine. I’m up. Okay?”
Several pieces of popcorn cascade down my front. I glare at PJ. “You were throwing popcorn at me?”
A stray thought reminds me that I could totally see Troy and Adam doing something like this, and the empty ache in my center sharpens.
PJ, the little shit, looks too gleeful. “Fallon said I wasn’t allowed to laugh at your misfortune on account of you looking like someone kicked your puppy, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun.”
“I suppose that’s fair.” I gather up the popcorn and toss it into a nearby trashcan.
“Seriously, PJ, I owe you an apology. Well.” I turn to my brother.
“Both of you. I was trying to protect you, but instead I tried to shove you into a version of happiness you didn’t want.
I shouldn’t have set you up with a male escort to get you laid, and I shouldn’t have tried to break you two up. That was tacky. And wrong. I’m sorry.”
“And clearly a case of transferring your own desires onto someone else.” PJ throws a handful of popcorn into his mouth, waggling his eyebrows.
“You enjoying that popcorn, asshole?” What happened to not laughing at my misfortune?
“Mmm. It’s white chocolate and marshmallow flavored.”
“PJ.” Fallon’s tone is sharp. I assume he’s trying to send a message, but PJ only looks more and more delighted.
“Oooh, it’s the teacher voice.” PJ points his finger at me. “Wes, I accept your apology. Now get the hell out so your brother can rail me without him feeling like we have to be ‘considerate of your feelings.’”
I stand. “Why did you use air quotes?”
“Because I don’t actually care that much about your feelings, bro.”
“PJ,” my brother bites out again.
“Fine. Fine.” PJ puts his hands up. He stands, gathering the bag of popcorn. “I’m gonna let you two talk. Congrats on the divorce, by the way.” He shoves a fist in my face, which I bump listlessly.
Once he’s gone, my brother’s stern expression softens. “Talk to me,” he says.
So I tell him. Most of it, anyway. The confrontation in the locker room that started it all gets glossed over. Most of the sex parts, really. Especially the kidnapping. I admit to it happening, I even admit it bonded us, but I don’t give details.
Some things I’ll never want to discuss in detail with my baby brother. Ever.
“It’s weird. Ever since it happened, I don’t feel right when I’m away from them. We were each other’s lifeline that night.”
“Okay.” My brother sits in the chair vacated by PJ, crossing an ankle over his knee. “I’m still not entirely sure I understand the three of you together.”
“Join the club.” Even as I say it, I feel like I swallowed glass.
My brother holds up a hand. “But. If you’re happy, then what’s the problem? You said they’re quitting sex work.”
I shake my head. “It isn’t even that. I don’t really like them fucking other men, but I understand it. It’s how they survived.”
“Then what’s got you crashing here when you could be with them?”
I close my eyes against the pain that hits my chest whenever I miss them. Which is way too often.
“This Rigby guy took it personally that I was getting in the way of his access to them. Not that I asked them to refuse the date. But he made it clear he was pissed, and he also made it clear he thought I was taking advantage of them the way I accused PJ of doing with you. I keep thinking, what if this is my karma? Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy with them.
Especially not after the way I treated you two. ”
“Wes. Quit.” Fallon looks disappointed. “You didn’t understand then. You said it yourself, you’d only been with one person, and for a lot of your marriage sex more purpose-driven than pleasurable. It makes sense you didn’t know what you really liked.”
“Right.” I’m listening, I swear. Also, my hand is creeping toward my phone like it has a mind of its own. The number of times I’ve written some lame-ass apology text only to delete it before sending could win me a prize.
My brother clears his throat. “Okay. I’m not exactly cool about the judgment, but I also understand where you were coming from.
You didn’t get my relationship with PJ because you couldn’t see how someone would enjoy our dynamic.
From where I’m sitting, you’ve got bruises around your wrists and what look like bite marks on your collarbones. Are Adam and Troy abusing you?”
At first I think he’s mocking me. Or judging. But no. The question is sincere.
I close my eyes, remembering the last time all three of us fucked.
I’d gone into the bedroom to get ready for work.
Before I could make it to the shower, I was flanked by both of them.
One held me down while the other peppered bites and kisses all over my body, refusing to touch my cock until I begged.
When Troy finally sucked me into his hot mouth while Adam held my wrists behind my back, I came so loudly it made the hit man upstairs bang on the ceiling again.
At the time I decided if pissing off a hit man mid-orgasm was how I went, it was a perfect way to die.
“They’re not abusing me,” I insist. “I didn’t know before—” God. There’s so much I don’t know how to say.
My voice shakes when I say, “I didn’t realize how unhappy I was with Gina.
Or I did, but… I figured feeling alone and unfulfilled must mean I needed to try harder.
I didn’t know I could feel the way I do now.
About anyone, including another man. Or men .
I didn’t know what I needed until they showed me. ”
“Neither did I,” Fallon says quietly. “Not until I met Marina.”
I nod. At least we finally understand each other.
“But, Wes, this shit with their client or whatever? Don’t you think if they wanted more with him than a pay-for-play situation, they would have done it before now?”
“I don’t know. They said he’s married, but you and I both know that doesn’t always mean much. Mom used to say shit about how men don’t commit unless you make them.” I’m glad there’s not a mirror around, because I know my face right now is twisted and ugly.
That man tried to claim ownership of my men, and he had no fucking right.
“We both know Mom has her own issues,” Fallon says quietly. “And while we’re on the subject, I know you took on a lot with both of us when Dad died. I never really said thank you.”
“You were too young to worry about it.”
“At first, sure. Then later, I let you handle things with Mom because it was easier to let you. I should’ve offered to help.”
I rub my forehead. “She’s getting older. She’s going to need more in the future. I’m… I don’t feel like I can handle it on my own anymore. I don’t know what to do.”
“Simon, one of the guys PJ used to escort with, works in a pretty nice assisted living facility. When PJ and I fly up for Christmas, I’ll discuss it with her.”
“Fuck, I forgot all about Christmas.”
“I already told her you can’t make it.”
“It’ll hurt her feelings if I don’t come.”
“She’ll live. It’s not your job to keep looking out for everyone. It sounds like those guys are finally giving you what you need. You deserve to take some time to enjoy that. You deserve to be happy, whatever that means for you.”
My lips stretch into a smile. “Thanks. That’s really great of you.”
“Just ignore PJ when he starts in on how you owe him one for going in your place. I love him, but he can be an asshole.”
“PJ? An asshole? You don’t say.”
Fallon laughs. “Hey. He’s my asshole. And in spite of what he said, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.”
Heat and moisture spring to my eyes. “That’s…
Thanks. Really. You’re right, though, I haven’t been happy since I walked away from them.
Obviously, we all need to talk. Actually, uh, I’ve decided I need to quit my job.
It’s toxic, having to deal with Gina and Max in my face every day.
Not that I’m jealous or anything, but he’s a dick, and she keeps giving me her two cents about my personal life. ”
Fallon gives me a dry look. “Yeah, it’s a real pain in the ass when people do that.”
I’m tempted to try and smother myself with the pillow again. “See? Karma. I need a clean slate. There’s got to be a way to make money that doesn’t suck out my soul. After I go in and give Max my letter of resignation, I’ll go home and work things out with Adam and Troy.”
“Good. Glad to hear it.” Fallon gets up and heads for the door. “I’ll let you get ready to go, then. And remember, I’m here anytime if you need me. Just…”
“Don’t come by unannounced. I know.” Learned that lesson the hard way. More than once.
Fallon’s face turns the color of strawberries as he lets himself out of the room.
Meanwhile, I pull myself out of bed feeling more human than I have in days. I whistle off-key while I get ready for work, looking forward to going in for the first time in ages.
So I can quit. So I can be better. So I can be happy.
With both of them.