Chapter 30
Ican’t believe I admitted it to them. I can’t believe I told them the truth. I told them how I feel about Violet. I haven’t even admitted that to myself…
Jonathan rode home in a fog, his thoughts spinning.
He felt as if the ground had shifted beneath his feet, because he knew that he would never be able to take back what he had said.
It seemed to him as though, by admitting his feelings for Violet, he had made them real somehow.
He had removed any possibility that might have existed for denying that he felt something.
How could he deny it now that he had spoken of it so openly?
And that meant it was going to have to be confronted, one way or another. He could no longer pretend to himself that he felt nothing at all. He could no longer hold onto the idea that he and Violet would go their separate ways and things would return to normal.
Nothing would be easy. Not anymore.
If Noah found a new home with his parents, Jonathan and Violet would no doubt separate very soon.
And Jonathan realized now that he didn’t want that to happen.
He wanted to stay with her. He wanted to eat meals with her and to spend random afternoons with her.
He wanted the picnics and the late nights talking.
He wanted the decisions the two of them had made together to better Noah’s life.
It’s completely impractical. Utterly inappropriate.
We shouldn’t have let it go even as far as it has.
Me living in a house with an unmarried lady?
No, I never should have done it to begin with.
It’s right that there are consequences for me now, that I won’t be able to walk away untouched.
I just hope I can extricate myself without causing any problems for her.
These thoughts were on his mind as he mounted the steps to the front door of his house—her house—and went inside.
At once, he could see that something was off, though he couldn’t have said what it was.
The house was quieter than usual, but at the same time, it pulsed with an energy he couldn’t identify.
It was something about the emptiness of the foyer.
Usually, there would be a few servants passing through on their way to do their day’s chores, but today that wasn’t happening.
Where was everybody?
Nerves clutched at him as he walked up the stairs, listening hard for some sign that someone was here.
It wasn’t right to be fearful about it, of course.
He couldn’t help worrying that Violet and Noah might have disappeared, gone off somewhere and left him behind…
but that wouldn’t account for the way the whole house seemed to have gone silent.
And then he heard voices.
His heart leaped—they were coming from Noah’s bedroom.
That was where they were. He hurried in that direction.
He couldn’t make out what was being said—the tone was too low—but the voices were rushed and urgent.
It didn’t sound like play, he realized as he drew even with the door. It seemed more serious than that.
He gripped the knob and opened the door.
Noah lay in bed, still and flushed, panting. Jonathan recognized the signs of fever at once. But the boy had been fine when they had seen one another last night! His stomach clutched. How could he have gotten into this state so quickly? What had happened?
And there was Violet. She was perched on the edge of his bed.
She hadn’t even looked up when Jonathan had come in.
She had a towel in her hands—it was damp, Jonathan saw—and she was moving it to various places on Noah’s body and holding it there, trying to cool him.
His neck, his face, the insides of his wrists…
Her hands were trembling. Her lips were white.
She’s terrified.
Before he could say or do anything, the door opened and Georgina, Violet’s lady’s maid, came rushing into the room. “The fresh towels,” she said, holding a couple of them out to Violet. “Let me take that one, my lady.”
Violet nodded and exchanged her towel for the two Georgina was offering. As she held one of them to Noah’s face, he let out a dismayed cry and flinched away from her.
“I know,” Violet said, her voice shaking. “I know it’s so cold. You’re going to be all right. We just need to get this fever down, Noah.”
Jonathan realized that he had been standing still in the doorway. He hurried into the room and knelt on the far side of Noah’s bed from where Violet was sitting. “What happened?” he asked urgently. “What’s the matter with him?”
She looked up, and he saw that her eyes were full of tears.
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I thought he would come down to breakfast like he always does, but he didn’t do that.
I waited. I thought he was just getting some extra sleep.
Lunch came and went, and he still hadn’t appeared, so I asked someone to check on him—and he was like this.
” She gestured. “It’s my fault…I waited too long.
If I had come to check on him right away… ”
“Hush,” Jonathan said firmly, reaching out to put a hand on her arm. “Of course it isn’t your fault, Violet. It’s a fever. It happens, and it’s nobody’s fault.”
“But it won’t come down.” She was shaking. “He’s so ill. I don’t know what to do.”
“We need a physician.”
“Williams has gone to bring him.”
“Then you’ve done all you can,” Jonathan told her firmly. “You’ve done everything right. We just need to keep trying to bring the fever down until the physician arrives.”
“But what if…” She trailed off again. It seemed as though she was having trouble finding the ends of her sentences.
“No,” he told her firmly. “Nothing terrible will happen. He’s going to be all right. You’ll see.”
“You can’t know that, Jonathan.” Tears slipped down her cheeks. “He trusted us to take care of him, and now this is happening.”
“I know. And I know how frightened you are.” He was frightened, too, truth be told. He placed his hand on the side of Noah’s face. The boy was so warm. It was worrying. “When did you send Williams out?”
“About fifteen minutes ago. He should be back soon, I hope.”
But not that soon. It would take time to ride into town, and more time to explain to the physician what was happening. Jonathan drew a breath. “Hand me one of those towels.”
She passed one to him. It was cold, and he shivered a little. It must feel just awful against Noah’s fevered skin. He lifted the boy’s shirt and pressed it to his chest.
Noah wailed and thrashed.
Jonathan draped the towel over him and caught one of his arms. “Help me,” he urged Violet.
She hesitated, but reached out and took Noah’s other arm, holding him down. She put her own towel across his neck.
Noah howled.
“We need this fever to break,” Jonathan said. “That’s all. We just need to fight it down.”
“Jonathan, what if something is seriously wrong with him, though?”
“I’m sure it isn’t. Whatever this is, the physician will be able to treat it,” Jonathan said.
His heart was pounding a rapid staccato—he wasn’t certain at all.
“Be strong for him, Violet. That’s what he needs us to do right now.
He needs us to be brave, and he needs to know that we aren’t frightened.
As long as he realizes that, he’ll have the determination he needs to fight. ”
She met his eyes.
She didn’t have to say what she was thinking. He could read it there. But I am frightened.
He wondered whether she could read on his face that he was frightened too.
He did his best to school his expression.
Just as they both needed to be brave for Noah, Jonathan knew that he needed to be brave for Violet.
It was all he could offer her right now, the only thing he could do to make this any easier.
He took her hand.
It did feel, in this moment, as though the two of them were parents sitting beside their sick child.
It was difficult to imagine that any other two people could care as much as they did right now.
Noah’s real parents were out there somewhere, but what would they say and do if they were here?
Would they worry the way Violet and Jonathan were worrying?
Would they do everything they could to make sure Noah recovered?
Would they feel this fog of fear and uncertainty that had settled over the room?
How could they? They’ve been without him all these years, and they seem to have been just fine. How could it possibly harm them to know that he’s suffering this way? How could it have the same impact as it’s having on Violet and on me?
He rubbed a hand across his face. Violet looked at him. “You really aren’t worried?” she asked.
So she had believed that, at least to an extent. He pressed his lips together. He didn’t want to lie to her. “I am worried,” he said. “I’m somewhat worried. But I also know that he’s going to be all right.”
“But how can you know?” She searched his face, and he could see that she really wanted an answer she could believe.
“I know because he’s young and healthy,” Jonathan said.
“Whatever this is, it’s a deviation from the norm—usually, he’s well.
And this just happened overnight. It’s an infection of some sort, an illness…
but he’s strong, and he will be able to combat it.
I’m sure the physician will tell us the same thing when he arrives.
In the meantime, we just have to sit with Noah.
We just have to make sure that he isn’t alone, and we have to keep this fever from getting out of control.
As long as we do that, I have faith that everything is going to be all right. ”
She closed her eyes. “I hope that’s true,” she breathed. “More than I can tell you, Jonathan.”
“I believe it,” he said again. “Let me believe for both of us, if you must, Violet. I can do that.”
She nodded slowly. “I’m so glad you’re here, Jonathan. If you weren’t…if this was just me…well, I don’t think I could manage it without you. I think I would fall apart.”
He gripped her hand more firmly. “You wouldn’t.
You’re strong too,” he said. “But for what it's worth, Violet, I wouldn’t want to face this without you either. I’m glad we have each other right now.
I’m glad neither one of us is in this alone.
We’ll get through it. I’m sure we will. I’m sure he will.
But in the meantime, we will be together. ”
The words came so naturally. He almost couldn’t believe he’d spoken them aloud, for surely it wasn’t right to lean so heavily on one another at a time like this. Surely it was necessary to maintain the boundaries they fought so hard to keep up between them.
But he couldn’t do it.
He needed her. She needed him. And Noah needed them both.
They could go back to the separate lives they were trying to lead later.
For now, all Jonathan wanted was to know that someone was grappling with the same fear he was feeling.
It felt as if the only way this could be survived was for the two of them to face it together—hand in hand, just as they were right now, with Noah safely ensconced between them.
He’ll be all right, Jonathan told himself firmly. And so will Violet—and so will I.