Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
“Ithink I like the thought of peonies better. What do you think? Perhaps we could mix it with the other flowers you like?”
Anna peered down at the catalogue and nodded, her expression blank as though she was barely seeing what was before her eyes.
“Sure. If you’d like,” she responded after a moment, leaning back in her seat and staring off into the distance.
Phoebe stared at her, feeling unsettled by the vague response she had gotten from her sister.
It had been a few days since the duke’s visit and with her wedding looming, Phoebe could feel herself growing increasingly nervous about what the future held for her. However, she could hardly focus on that feeling because she was also quite worried about Anna.
Ever since she had been told about the duke’s proposal, Anna had been acting strangely.
Phoebe had momentarily feared that perhaps she was upset because Phoebe had somehow ended up with a husband when they had been trying to find her one, and she had clarified that Anna had been the sole reason why she approached the duke in the first place, as well as why she had accepted his proposal.
That had not worked though and as time passed, the more disconcerting the gap between them grew.
“Anna?” Phoebe called out, waiting until Anna was facing her before she continued. “Are you all right? You seem rather... distracted, lately.”
Anna frowned and turned away. “I am fine.”
Phoebe huffed, willing herself to be patient. She set the catalogue aside, and shuffled closer to her sister, softening her voice before she spoke up.
“Anna, I can tell something is bothering you. I might not be able to help, but I can listen –”
“Why? Do you not have better things to do? Your wedding is only three days away. Surely there are other more important things to invest your time in, than worrying about me.” Anna huffed in protest, as an angry blush settled over her cheeks.
“Do not say that,” Phoebe scolded, momentarily wincing at the way her heart hurt in the face of her sister’s upset expression.
“There is nothing more important to me than this family. And there will never be. You and Rowland are my world and I am doing this for our family. For you – because your happiness and peace are my priority. So... please. Talk to me, darling sister. Share whatever burdens lay heavy on your heart.”
Anna remained silent for a bit and Phoebe thought her words had not gotten through to her at all. Then the girl sniffed sadly, turning to face Phoebe with tears in her eyes.
“I-I feel as though I failed you both,” she admitted sadly, wiping away her tears before she continued.
“I had a single duty to our family and I still couldn’t manage.
All my life, you and Rowland have gone above and beyond in an effort to provide for me.
You have both contributed endlessly to our finances and the household, ensuring that I would grow up comfortably enough.
You have overseen my lessons in an effort to ensure that I was able to receive some form of formal education and training.
And finally, it was my turn to do something good in return for all that you have contributed.
I hoped to find a beneficial match and be useful to the family finally — but I still wasn’t able to do that.
To make matters worse, I couldn’t make up for my mistake.
I just feel… worthless. And sad. You shouldn’t have to take on my burden and give your life away in an effort to save me. It’s not fair —”
“Anna,” Phoebe hushed her gently, reaching out to cup her face gingerly.
“Please do not say such things. I would give up much more if it meant you were all right. Rowland and I took care of you not because we were obligated to do so, but because we are family. We want the best for one another. And as such, if there was any way we could spare you from the difficulties of life, we want that for you. I really did try to convince the duke to marry you, because I knew that at the very least, you would be able to live a much more comfortable life than what we were able to offer. But I do not regret how things turned out, because at least I was able to make up for what I was unable to do previously. If I had been able to obtain a match that was even half as decent as this, things might have been different. I am glad that I was able to get a second chance to do better for you. It is all right, Anna. Do not worry about me. I know that you cannot help it, but I do hope you let go of that guilt you feel. You did your best and we are very proud of you. Now, no more crying. Use that strength to think of how you’ll be able to live out your days happy and content. ”
Anna laughed with a sniffle, allowing Phoebe to wipe her tears away and the older sister could not help but marvel at how much things had changed over the years, yet their dynamic still remained the same.
Anna was still soft-hearted and sweet, still so fragile and deserving to be protected from all the ails of the world.
And Phoebe was going to do whatever it took to protect her.
They fell into each other’s arms moment later and Phoebe tried to soak up as much of her sister’s warmth as she could, knowing that very soon, she would have to live without it.
When they pulled apart, Anna sat up straighter, her eyes bright for the first time in a while as she spoke,
“Can I ask? About the Duke… what was he like?”
Phoebe exhaled, wondering what she could say that could encompass everything she knew and thought about her husband-to-be.
“Well… he’s certainly different from what I expected. He seems responsible and smart at least —”
“Those are the boring qualities! Is he as handsome as they say?” Anna pressed eagerly.
“That is hardly important —”
“Perhaps, but between your looks and his, your children are quite certain to be lovely, no?”
Phoebe sighed, wishing she had learned not to indulge Anna so much at an early age.
“Well… I suppose I could say he appears… charming. His face is mostly pleasant to look at.”
Anna scrunched her nose up in distaste, glaring at Phoebe cooly, clearly unimpressed. Phoebe smiled innocently and picked up the catalogue to continue planning for her wedding.
It was strange, how she had long since given up on having one and now she had to prepare for it.
There was a part of her that grew solemn whenever she remembered that her parents would not be there and given that she and her siblings barely had any relatives or friends, she could imagine the ceremony would not have a lot of people present.
From her side at least.
With a deep sigh, she attempted to refocus her attention on what needed to be done, but then she noticed Anna fidgeting and glanced at her.
“Is something the matter?” Phoebe asked immediately.
“Ah, well… I suppose I’ve just been wondering about marriages lately.
While I do not miss Lord Brightwood — not after what he’s done — I keep imagining what would have happened if we had gotten married.
If he wasn’t such a rake, that is. I don’t feel regretful or anything of the sort.
I just… planning your wedding has me envisioning what that day would have been like.
What the ceremony would have been like, hoe it would have felt to stand across from my husband and feel good about what lay ahead of us.
And then there is the matter about what come after… ”
She trailed off suddenly, blinking up at Phoebe as though she expected her to complete her train of thought.
“What comes after?” Phoebe echoed, wondering what Anna was talking about.
“The wedding night, Phoebe. Isn’t that what comes next? I’ve been wondering about it. Do you know what to do, during that time? I’ve heard that it could be quite intense. But I do not know why. What happens during one’s wedding night?” Anna asked.
Phoebe continued to stare blankly at her sister for a moment, then heat filled her cheeks as she recalled what the duke had said to her before he had left. She could still feel his touch and something in her had wondered what would have happened if —
Phoebe cleared her throat and sat up straighter, sparing a glance at her sister. It would be embarrassing to admit she did not know what happens on one’s wedding night, even to admit her curiosity about it.
“Well… that is because it is meant to be a vulnerable moment between the newly weds,” she began uncertainly.
“It is expected to bring them closer — at heart especially. Both husband and wife are meant to come together a-and share their deepest secrets. It is meant as an effort to begin the marriage on a blank slate for them, so that no secrets lay between a man and his wife.”
“Is that so? But then… how does that result in children?” Anna questioned, looking thoroughly confused.
“Well — I was getting to that. You see what truly matters is the state of one’s heart. If you desire such with your husband, I imagine that once the mating dance is performed, it would yield… children.”
“Really?”
“Yes — now, can we focus on the task at hand please?” Phoebe snapped lightly, trying to deflect the subject.
Anna didn’t look thoroughly convinced, which Phoebe was not going to allow to manifest as a problem of hers and swiftly got them back on track with the wedding preparations.
Still, a part of her was stuck feeling the light pressure of the duke’s thumb on her lips.
After most of the matters were settled, Anna walked off to busy herself with other affairs and Phoebe saw it as a good opportunity to handle some of her own. With Rowland off on business as well for the rest of the afternoon, she had the opportunity to do as she wished, without anyone watching.
Quickly, she went to her room to put on her cloak, and once the coast was clear, she slipped out of the house through the back door.
The path was as familiar as the routine and she took the same path she always did, determined to avoid being seen by too many people, even if it meant her journey was a couple minutes longer.
She kept her hood low, ensuring that she looked and behaved as plainly as possible in an effort not to attract any attention.
Eventually, she arrived at her destination, slipping into the establishment through the back door as paper boys took their exist with fresh batches of newspapers tucked into the bags that hung from their sides.
The noise in the building was the same as always – loud and full of all sorts of information. The air smelled of paper and ink, and people walked around, quickly trying to put together all that they needed to in an effort to put out the stories that would supply news to the ton.
Phoebe kept her hood on even inside as she walked past people, headed down a familiar hallway, until she came to an office. She knocked twice and entered when she was prompted to do so.
“– another thing, Paul – oh. I have matters to attend to, so get out,” the newspaper editor, Mr. Lambert said as soon as he saw her.
“But sir, you said it was important to sort this out –”
“I did, but when have you ever listened to me unless it serves you, you selfish bastard? I am sure you can figure out something. Now – shoo.”
The other man left in a huff, slamming the door behind him.
Mr. Lambert tutted in irritation, then he gestured to the chair in front of him.
“Good help is so hard to find these days. Everyone thinks more of themselves than the greater good of others around. Unlike you, Miss Danvers.”
She sat down and lowered her hood, greeting with a smile. “Good afternoon, Mr. Lambert. Here are the sketches you asked for last week.”
Phoebe pulled out a few pieces of paper from the bag she had brought along with her and handed them over to him.
Mr Lambert was a lean, short man at least three decades older than her, but seemed a little older than that with his grey hair that peaked out from the small hat he always wore, even indoors.
She had never known her grandparents, but the newspaper editor always felt like a grandfather to her, with his warm and encouraging disposition.
He had sharp dark grey eyes that could pick out the tiniest details amiss and he made it clear his age had granted him immense wisdom he felt inclined to share.
He was incredibly easy to ready when he was not guarded against a visitor, and she had caught him stroking his thin mustache whenever he was pleased with the results of the work he had requested from her.
He did it then as he looked at the sketches she had given him, barely surveying the pieces of paper before he glanced up at her and grinned.
“Excellent work as always. It really has been quite rewarding, having you as a part of my employees,” he remarked as he continued to stare at them.
Phoebe felt relieved to hear that, because it meant she was still of value to him.
It had been quite a while since she approached him and begged for some sort of work to do in hopes of being able to earn some money in order to support the family – specifically for Anna’s debut.
At first she had thought she would help the newspaper with cleaning or some other menial tasks, but Mr. Lambert asked if she had any sort of skills that could contribute directly to the newspaper. She recalled that she loved to draw since she was a child and mentioned it.
In no time, he had given her the role of an illustrator of sorts, tasked with creating funny or thought-provoking caricatures that were featured in the newspaper. He was truly kind to her the whole time and it has been quite a relief to have been able to contribute to the Anna’s debut.
That way, they did not need to make a big dent in the family’s finances, and her efforts were discreet, so Rowland did not notice – which was what she preferred because she did not want him to worry.
“These are the next ideas we would like to be drawn. It is going to be featured much later than your usual ones. Will that be all right with you?” Mr. Lambert questioned as he handed her a piece of paper with a few sentences scribbled on it.
“Well… I will be rather occupied soon, so this is actually much more ideal. It will give me some time to put my affairs in order in time to refocus my efforts as on the work.” She nodded, tucking the paper into her bag.
“Wonderful. And here is this week’s pay.”
She collected her payment, expressing her gratitude profusely, ever stunned by the kindness she had received from this single person. He had not only given her work, but he had helped her hide her identity in the process and she appreciated all the assistance he had rendered to her thus far.
“It would be remiss of me not to reward your talents, Miss Danvers. Keep up the good work and get home safe,” he nodded with a smile.
“Thank you sir. I bid you good day,” she bowed slightly and pulled her hood up, slipping out of the office moments later.