Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“Is the meal not to your liking, Your Grace?”
Phoebe jumped slightly, startled out of her deep thoughts as she tried to recall where she was and what she had been doing. For a moment, she stared down at the utensils in her hands and the plate in front of her, still half-full.
Then she looked up at Maude and questioned,
“What? I'm sorry... I must have been lost in my thoughts.”
The housekeeper pursed her lips, as though she was trying not to point out that Phoebe had been rather distracted a lot these days – which Phoebe was grateful for – then she offered kindly,
“Would you like me to get you something else, Your Grace?”
Phoebe glanced down at her plate and contemplated getting another meal. Lately, she discovered she did not have much of an appetite and it was growing increasingly difficult to endure the nausea that befell her whenever she managed to eat even a little bit.
“N-No, it is fine,” the duchess shook her head, tightening her grip on her utensils with purpose. “I was only a little distracted. This meal is quite fine.”
She returned her full attention to her food, managing to pick up a morsel, working to chew on it and swallow, as though everything was all right.
Her act seemed to convince the housekeeper who wandered off moments later, and Phoebe exhaled, returning to the previous routine of pushing food around her plate in order to push the guise that she was eating.
It had been rather hard to do much these days.
Edward might have returned home, but it was no different from when he had been absent.
They hardly crossed paths and in the rare occasion that they did, he was intent on ignoring her completely.
Things had not been this strained or isolated during the earlier days of their marriage and dealing with this attitude from him hurt Phoebe in ways she could not explain.
She did not know what to say or do to convince him to change his mind about the walls he was so desperate to put between them – or if she even could.
It was stifling, just how big and empty their home felt without any interactions between them and it was getting harder and hard for Phoebe to pretend it wasn’t affecting her at all.
Even the garden that once provided her with solace and comfort had lost its appeal.
And because she had given Edward her word that she would no longer work for Mr Lambert, there was no commission or deadline to consume her focus or distract her.
All she wished to do these days was lay down and wallow in her regret.
Although, it was difficult to say what her regret was.
With a sigh, she downed a glass of water and dabbed at the corners of her lips with her napkin before she rose out of her seat, tired of the charade that breakfast had become.
As she opened a door of the dinning hall, she came face to face with Edward.
“Oh,” he exhaled, looking slightly surprised. “I thought you might still be having breakfast.”
She stared at him for a moment, working up the courage to respond, but unable to fathom what it was he expected her to say in response.
It had been a few weeks since they had been like this, in the same space for longer than a moment, with him not only seemingly willing but also prepared to have a conversation, and so she was caught off guard.
“I have just finished,” she managed, ignoring her still full plate that she had just left behind. “Is there something you need, Your Grace?”
Edward seemed to flinch at the formal address and she wondered if he would make a fuss about her decision not to call him by his name. However, he simply continued to speak, as though he had not noticed it at all.
“Ah, yes,” Edward cleared his throat, his gaze somewhat unfocused, as though he could not look right at her. “Do you have any plans for the afternoon? I'm afraid we were invited to a garden party at the Ravencroft estate and I forgot to mention it sooner. We do not have to go if you are not –”
“I will begin to prepare at once,” Phoebe said at once, moving to slip past him.
“Wait –” he grabbed onto her wrist to keep her from going too far.
His touch scorched in a way that made her knees weak. At once, she was back in his bed, engulfed by his warmth and his manly musk, lulled to sleep by the steady beating of his heart.
Oh Lord, what she would give to return to that scared moment when it felt like everything was as perfect as would ever be and had ever been.
“Sorry,” Edward mumbled, pulling back soon after he noticed the expression on her face. “I – you do not have to. It’s... I should have told you much sooner, but it slipped my mind. I understand that it quite sudden and you might not feel as though you wish to attend –”
“I do not mind,” she stated hoarsely, pretending not to be affected by the loss of his warmth. “It is not as though I had any prior engagements. Perhaps the air would do me some good.”
He studied her for a moment, then he nodded curtly. “Perhaps. When you are set, we shall leave. Take your time to prepare.”
He walked away, and Phoebe could not dwell on his thoughtfulness for too long, feeling as though it was quite telling that he was unwilling to spend too much time speaking with her.
Stifling the discomfort, Phoebe called for her maid. Once Jenny emerged from where she had been waiting, the duchess instructed.
“We must prepare at once. I have a party to attend this afternoon.”
Jenny nodded. “Right away, Your Geace.”
The journey to the Ravencroft estate was utterly stifling.
Phoebe worked to keep her eyes out on the passing scenery, allowing her mind to pick interest in every shape and form the carriage went by, because it was much easier than dwelling on the growing discomfort within her.
Edward seemed to have no problem, his attention fixed on his own window as he sat perfectly still. Occasionally, Phoebe’s weak heart would make her glance at him, and she would yearn to hear his voice.
It’s not fair, she thought. How can he just... ignore me?
The longer she thought about their situation, the more apparent it became that she had been at a dissadvantegous position from the start.
What she had needed from him was small in comparison to the entirety of her life that she had signed away to him for his needs. And after giving him what he wanted... he planned to leave her, without a single thought of what they shared.
What they could be.
The more she thought about it, the worse she felt and she could not fathom what the days ahead of her would look like.
The carriage came to a stop and she inhaled deeply, telling herself to put on a brave face for the remainder of the afternoon.
Edward left first and she expected him to walk ahead of her, but when she made her way to the door of the carriage, he was waiting right outside.
He stretched out his hand to her, his expression blank as he said,
“Here. Let me.”
Reluctantly, Phoebe accepted his assistance and disembarked slowly, exhaling shakily once she was on solid ground.
Perhaps she should have stayed at home after all, because all of a sudden, she felt slightly weakened. For a moment, she tried to take in a few deep breaths, hoping it would strengthen her body and mind, but she only felt even more tired.
“Duchess? Are you all right?” Edward queried with an unreadable look on his face.
“Y-Yes, I –” Phoebe cleared her throat slightly when she noticed her voice was shaking. “I am fine.”
She walked ahead of him, hoping she sounded better than she actually felt. By the time she arrived at the door, he was by her side once more. The steward greeted them and showed them to the garden where a group of people were conversing and enjoying the refreshments.
There were a few games going on as well, a handful playing croquet and another group playing what seemed to be a serious game of cards.
“Edward! It is lovely to see you, like this and not engorging yourself on our priceless wine collection,” Jane greeted pleasantly as she approached them, her husband hot on her tail.
For the first time since they had been together that day, Phoebe witnessed Edward’s expression soften.
“Your Grace,” he bowed slightly. “My apologies for... my past behavior. I promise, I have reflected on my transgressions and acted accordingly.”
Thomas stared at Phoebe for a moment and sighed, looking disappointment.
“I see. So you have.”
Edward sent his friend a sharp look as Jane reached forward to hold Phoebe’s hands.
“I am so thrilled you could attend. It is so lovely to see you again!” the duchess of Ravencroft said with a cheery tone.
Phoebe forced herself to smile a bit, as she nodded.
“Likewise, Jane. Thank you for inviting us.”
“It is my pleasure, darling. But... are you well? You seem –”
“I'm fine,” Phoebe said curtly, pulling her hands away. “Just... recovering from a mild headache, is all.”
“Oh. Well, I do hope you have a nice time, this afternoon. If at any point you feel under the weather, please do not hesitate to return home. I would not be offended in the slightest. Health is wealth, as they say,” Jane instructed firmly.
Phoebe managed to muster another smile, this one real this time, and she nodded.
“I will. Thank you.”
Jane gave her a quick hug before she left with her husband, leaving Edward and Phoebe alone. She felt a tad parched and wondered if it would be all right to head off towards the refreshments by herself. After glancing at him a few times, she mumbled under her breath as she slipped away,
“Excuse me.”
To her utter surprise, he silently followed her, but she ignored his presence and the worried glances he sent her way as she helped herself to a glass of sherry.
It was likely he did not wish for her to make a scene due to the new guidelines of their relationship. She refused to see it as more, refused to needlessly get her hopes up.
“Phoebe! You’re here.”
She turned around just as her sister put her arms around her, embracing her tightly.
“I was wondering when you would arrive!” Anna complained with a pout as Rowland drew closer.
Although her siblings’ presence was unexpected, she was thankful to see them nonetheless.
When Rowland stepped forward to embrace her as well, she let herself hold onto him for longer than might have been necessary, reveling in the warmth only family could provide.
If Rowland thought she was acting odd, he did not remark on it, simply stroking her hair until she was ready to let go of him.
“It is wonderful to see you both,” Phoebe breathed with relief.
“We were rather surprised that the Duke and duchess of Ravencroft invited us to another of their events, but it has been rather nice,” Rowland said, leaning forward to whisper softly “Especially because it means Anna would be granted a better opportunity to land a much more beneficial match, given how influential the hosts are.”
Phoebe nodded in understanding, wishing that she had gotten situated in her duties to host a ball that would allow her sister to meet as many eligible bachelors as her heart desires.
As of now, she could barely manage her current responsibilities these days, so perhaps that was a plan that would take fruition in the distant future.
Phoebe suddenly remembered that Edward had been behind her and turned around to apologize for not including him in he conversation, but to her dismay, he was no longer where she had left him.
“Are you looking for the Duke? He wandered off only moments ago,” Anna informed her, gesturing in a vague direction.
“Oh,” Phoebe mumbled, feeling ridiculous over the disappointment flooding her veins.
What did she expect? It was clear that he had known her brother and sister would be there, so he only lingered by her side until he could pass her off to someone else. That much was obviously so why was her heart still such a fragile thing?
“...be? Phoebe!”
“Hm?” Phoebe turned to Anna, blinking slowly.
Everything felt difficult all of a sudden. Even her breathing felt labored and she cleared her throat in a bid it distract her from how uncomfortable she felt.
“Are you all right? You look a tad pale,” Anna fussed, gently taking hold of her hand.
The warmth of her sister's hand brought tears to her eyes and she shook her head slightly.
“I'm — I'm just tired. And thirsty,” she whispered slowly.
Anna frowned and glanced around the garden before sighing in relief.
“Come,” she beckoned Phoebe, pointing at the vacant seats arranged beneath the pavilion at an end of the garden. “You can rest for a bit while Rowland brings you something to drink. And perhaps some crackers as well.”
Rowland looked surprised to have been given such a task but he did not argue as Anna led Phoebe away.
She was relieved to be sitting, feeling the unsteadiness that had been rumbling within her calm slightly and she inhaled deeply, working to breathe as slowly as she could.
“What is wrong sister? Are you and the duke in a quarrel of some sort?” Anna asked gently.
Phoebe tried to appear unaffected as the question hung in the air, only tilting her head slightly as she question in turn,
“What makes you say that?”
Anna sighed deeply, shuffling closer to hold Phoebe’s hand.
“It is clear that there is something troubling you. And when we saw him earlier, he was… distant. If there is something wrong, I would like to help you in any way I can. But I won’t be able to if you do not talk to me.
You are so resilient and brave sister, but I fear that you have begun to take on more than you can handle, with no intentions of relying on others. And that will only lead to your demise.
“We are so grateful… for all that you have done for us, but it would hardly be enjoyable if you are getting hurt in the process. We cannot rejoice when our sister is in pain. Talk to me and perhaps we might find a way to fix this.”
Phoebe kept her eyes on the guests, unintentionally locating the hosts among the cluster of people they had invited.
They looked so… happy together, so utterly in love and inseparable. Why couldn’t Phoebe have what they did? Was she so unlucky, doomed to lose every bit of love she cherished?
First her parents perished and now, her husband did not want her? Why was she simply unfortunate and undesirable?
“I do not think you can fix it, Anna,” she whispered, unable to tear her eyes away from the scenery that cut her heart into pieces. “I do not think there is a remedy from loving someone who does not love you back.”