Chapter 6
Chapter Six
Her grandmother was gone. What was she to do?
The mourning in her life seemed forever—half her lifetime, anyway.
The only thing worse than mourning losses was having no one left in her life to mourn with.
Her relatives were gone to other parts, having gained their inheritance from their father years ago.
All that was left was this property and all that her grandmothers owned and that went to the first daughter of each generation in turn.
Her father, having exited from her into some other region of the country or beyond, what was left of his family was uncertain.
It was daunting at best, shattering at worst. Frightening in all situations.
After several weeks of complete devastation and sadness, Lilli gathered her spunk and her resolve returned. She must push on. This was her home, her legal property. No one was obligated nor loved the estate as she did. It was up to her to carry on.
She had hoped Oliver would come and offer his condolences so they could have a conversation about how things stood. He was, after all, now her legal guardian. She had thought he would be ripe to establish his authority, but no. Not a word. All his talk was just that—trumpery. Balderdash. Lies.
Therefore, Lilli shoved down her grief and disillusionment determined to find a suitable, respectable gentleman with which to attach herself.
Not someone with wanting pockets or disgusting habits, nor one who did not stand by his word.
As far as she had seen, those men of upright character were already sealed in matrimony or soon would be.
Except Oliver. No! I must look elsewhere.
She chided herself for her longing for his company.
Once I find my father dead or alive, and deal with that issue, I will turn my attentions to an amiable marriage.
What I won’t do is allow the duke to come and demand things from me.
Her grandmother, before she died, told her to embrace her future and not to count the young Weston out.
She knew if Oliver wanted her, he would have her, but not without a fight.
Acknowledging that reality was devastating but sometimes you picked your battles and used your wits to survive well.
Grandmother had disagreed that marrying Oliver would be a defeat and had said as much in the days before she passed.
“He may be dictatorial and controlling but he only demanded you take care of yourself. Men who are observant, want that. He did not degrade you or make fun of you in any way. Nor did he snub you. I believe he was careful of that.”
“True, but he has no right to play lord over me. I am not his charge. Grandmother, he threatened to smack my… my… Well, it was very ungentlemanly and inappropriate of him. I will not submit to that kind of treatment.” She left off the words — not now and not ever.
She didn’t want to upset her grandmother while she was so frail.
“It isn’t something to be taken lightly, I agree.
But he was frustrated. You have found yourself in some dire straits, my dear.
Smacks aren’t harmful on the sitting area.
Besides, he was always a gentleman, albeit a commandingly opinionated one.
He is a duke after all. Give him a chance, my darling. Promise me.”
“He was kind when he found I was nearly trampled by that uncouth behemoth at the picnic. When he takes over during those times, it does odd things to me. He makes me feel as though I just want to leave my responsibilities on him. Just for a while. That is dangerous and disturbing that the rest of the time I want to wage war with him.”
“Could it be because he takes your burdens so easily? It could be dangerous only if you feel threatened by the feelings he engenders in you. Don’t fear that camaraderie so much. I think he has broad shoulders and would not betray you if you could find a way to give into him on some things.”
“He took my pistol and nearly refused to return it, grandmother. I use it for protection. That was unnecessary and high-handed. I’m not so sure giving into him is something that I can do, but I promise not to castrate him before I know if he truly needs it for the betterment of England.”
Her grandmother chuckled. “Thank you, my dear.”
Lilli waited two months to send the notification to the Duke of Weston. She informed her staff of her leaving as she did the duke, succinctly.
“As you likely know, Lady Elizabeth St. Matthews has gone to her heavenly reward and I am here for another day before I go in search of my absent father. If I find he is no longer alive, I shall have no recourse but to submit to the guardianship until my twenty-fifth birthday. If he is alive, I shall bring back proof, and we shall consider this matter dealt with.”
She didn’t want to have done with the issue of guardianship, nor did she care to locate her absent father, but what was there to do?
Oliver had not checked on her even once.
Lilli supposed, once she grew past the pain of that realization, she would be able to appreciate his hands-off approach to her life.
However, at the moment, she was too fragile to see the benefits.
The one time she would have welcomed his interference, he was nowhere to be found.
After dealing with the monthly wages early, the staff’s other needs and paying the bills for the month, it was time to send the letter to Oliver and mount her horse.
She decided it would not be prudent to go without her maid, but she had no idea how long she would be.
Better the staff take care of home, and she would take a footman with her to return her horse to the stables after she had gained passage on the carriage to take her to her father’s family.
There was a good chance that was as far as she would need to go.
She would decide more once she was there.
Time to find her father. With her bag and her loaded pistols, one of which Oliver returned soon after relieving her of it, she is ready.
The first several days on the coach was a lesson in the way others lived.
Public transport would have sent any one of her relatives into seclusion.
She was made of sterner stuff. She hoped.
However, it was a better choice than going on horseback or bringing the estate carriage.
Both would have made her more vulnerable, and traveling alone was doing that as it was.
The women on the coach were divided in their reception of Lilli traveling alone and of many other subjects.
As they bounced along the poorly maintained roads, the conversations bore out the variety of backgrounds these women had.
The more raw the life, the safer Lilli felt.
On the traveling issue, Lilli had experienced what could happen when women were the lone passengers, but it didn’t mean women could not be a lone traveler amongst others. What did become abundantly clear was she was made of sterner stuff than most.
By day four, Lilli didn’t care to discuss anything further, including the scandal of not bringing her maid, so she simply said it was a surprise for her father.
Indeed, it would be if she ever found him.
The rickety, rolling coach kicked up more dust than one could anticipate, having its inhabitants wonder for a little rain.
Then it rained, and the mud was more intolerable.
She needed to be done with this whole disastrous venture.
She found her father’s people just where she had always been told they were.
After spending a week with them, people she had never met and had heard very little about, she left feeling more disheartened than when she began this journey.
They were kind enough but strangers that had no connection with her or her life besides blood.
The tears burned in her chest until they flowed one evening.
She mourned for the loss of her grandmother and the security that she took with her.
The selfishness of a father who had no strength of character or responsibility.
And she cried for her need of Oliver but his obvious lack of need of her.
She wondered how Oliver would accept her choices.
He would be livid if he knew where she was and how she arrived.
He likely did know by now, and that brought all kinds of concerns about what he would do with that knowledge.
She envisioned him pacing and cursing her.
He hated when she took risks. This was a monstrous one that so far, hadn’t paid off.
Also, she wondered if he would reject her reasoning for making the choice of searching for her absent parent or would he applaud the efforts so he would be off the hook to be her guardian.
And that possibility lowered her mood even further, much to her dismay.
Why that was, she didn’t want to examine at this point in her journey.
She missed home already and the familiarity of her days.
She had not been welcomed more than a surprise visitor but not a completely rejected one.
Evidently her grandparents were all gone here as well and many of her father’s close family lived in her grandparents’ home.
There was little doubt that another person within those walls would be a challenge.
It was another jolt in realizing how alone she actually was.
Her final night at her father’s family home was tense. “Do you mean to stay here now that you have none of your mother’s relatives?” asked her aunt.
“No, why would you think that? Did you not know that I have my own property?”
“Well, we had heard from your father that there was a provision that the females in the family would get an estate but one never knows with him. I’m sorry to say that to you, but it is the truth.”