Chapter 17
After Letitia got Iris settled down—a protracted process, after the excitement and emotional turmoil of supper—she found herself wandering, seeking something to distract herself from her own thoughts.
She eventually settled in the front parlor, where she watched the streetlamps gleam on puddles and listened to the laughter of well-heeled young people as they headed out for a night of entertainment.
Letitia had long since given up wondering what it might be like to have the wealth and privilege of the ton.
She had thought about it as a girl, of course.
She had wondered what life might have been like if her high-born mother had kept her, despite the circumstances of her birth.
Or even if her father had kept her, instead of shipping her off.
But she wasn’t jealous of gentlewomen anymore. She could only imagine that living under their constant scrutiny was very uncomfortable. Hell, Letty had already found it hard enough to be watched so closely as Clio’s companion.
So, no. She didn’t wish she were one of the Society toffs outside, though she wouldn’t have minded having a bit more money to her name.
She just wished that things could be the tiniest bit easier.
Ezra found her there as he made his way toward the front door, heading to become one of those faceless merry-makers outside. Letitia let out a breathy laugh. Well, it wasn’t as if she could ask for a better reminder of the differences in their statuses.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, the words not a demand that she justify herself, but rather the affectionate remark of someone who was pleased to have found her.
Her poor heart could not take much more this evening. It had almost twisted in on itself when Iris had told her that she wished Letitia could stay.
“Just…” She waved a hand. “Woolgathering, I suppose.” She dared not let him ask what was preoccupying her mind, so she turned to professional matters.
For just a few more days, she had to keep herself focused on professional matters.
Then, once she was far from Ezra’s orbit, she could let herself be overtaken by her emotions.
“I wanted to thank you again for allowing Sarah to stay,” she said, fixing a polite smile on her face. “I know that you hired her as part of my employment, so I understand that you are doing us both a kindness by allowing her to remain.”
He tipped his head as if brushing aside her thanks, and Letty heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Sarah’s in her mind. He really is a good man. Why should you not accept his protection? His care?
Dangerous, dangerous thoughts.
“She’s a good worker,” he said with a shrug, as if it were no small thing. As if people had not been calling Sarah useless her whole life, just because of her missing hand. “And the housekeeper reports that she gets along well with the rest of the staff. I have absolutely no reason to let her go.”
Curse him and his goodness, his stupid generosity of spirit. He was supposed to be conniving. He was supposed to be the man who had barged into her home to irritate her into employment. He wasn’t supposed to reveal the kindness beneath that facade.
“Still,” she said. “I thank you.”
Letitia made a mental note to be careful what she wished for, because there it was—that gleam of cleverness that said he was about to start scheming.
“You know,” he said with deliberate slyness.
She could see right through that attitude of his now, though.
He didn’t want to trick her in the way that malevolent people did—by lying and confounding and backing her into a corner.
He wanted her to know he was playing the fox—wanted her to know it was truly a game.
If she declined to play, there would be no retribution.
“If you really wanted to thank me,” he said smoothly, sinking onto the settee next to her, “you could help me find a new governess. You know ever so much better than I do what makes a good one, and I have been having a devil of a time finding anyone who can even come close to filling your shoes.”
She crossed her arms, amused despite herself.
“You do not need to devolve to such petty flattery,” she said. “I will not be charmed by you.”
He gave her a winsome smile. “Are you certain about that?”
His eyes were full of innuendo.
Letitia reached out to shove his shoulder, intending to make space between them, to play this off as unaffecting, as nothing but harmless flirting. She realized her mistake the moment she touched him, however.
Her breath caught. When he grabbed her hand, holding it in his, her pulse began to race.
“We can’t,” she said quietly, though she made no move to pull away. The pad of his thumb traced over her knuckles, and a movement so innocent should not affect her so desperately.
“I know,” he said, sounding genuinely conflicted. “I know. I do. But we keep saying that and then we…”
She was glad that he trailed off. She was sorry that she had put that look of disappointment upon his face.
“I know,” she said. “But that… It was a mistake.” He flinched, and she felt like the most wretched woman alive. She could not back down, though. “Nothing good can come of it.”
He arched a brow in her direction, but she could tell that his heart wasn’t in it.
“On the contrary, my dear,” he purred. “Something very good did come of it, as I recall.”
“Don’t,” she said. She was still letting him hold her hand. She really should pull away, but she could not seem to manage it. “Please, just don’t make this any harder. It’s already hard enough to leave.”
“Then just don’t,” he said, like the words had burst out of him without his permission. “Just stay.”
She didn’t even have time to respond before he let out a frustrated breath and shook his head.
“No, sorry. You’ve made your decision, and no matter how much I want you to stay, you’re right. I should not make it harder. And I promised you I would let you go. And I am a man of my word.”
The next part was Letitia’s fault entirely.
She wanted to blame Ezra for his damnable goodness. She wanted to blame everyone else she’d ever met for never giving her something so simple—for never acting like what she wanted actually mattered.
But no. It was all her.
She leaned in, and she kissed him.
He sucked in a breath as their lips met, his hand cautious as it rose to cup her cheek. She allowed herself to melt into his touch, embracing the comfort of his warm hands on her and his warmer lips parting softly beneath hers.
His tongue touched lightly at her lower lip, and she parted further, letting him in, welcoming him.
There was less urgency to this kiss than the ones before. This was another lie they were telling themselves, Letty knew. They were kissing as if they had endless chances when they should not even be taking this one.
She could not seem to stop herself, however. What was it about this man that made her so weak? And yet, she could not even manage to regret what she was doing, either.
She wanted to believe the lie, just for a little bit longer.
Ezra was the one to pull back, though.
“No,” he said, the word barely more than a breath as he pulled his lips away from hers. He pressed their foreheads together, holding onto her cheek as if it took all his strength just to break apart their lips. “No, Letty…”
For a moment, there was only silence between them, silence and the sound of their breaths. Letitia was painfully aware of the open door behind them, and the fact that anyone could walk past, but still. She could not bring herself to pull away.
“Letty,” he breathed again, and she felt tears prick behind her closed eyes. “I am not a man who has ever cared about rules.” He huffed a humorless laugh. “Hell, you know that. I behaved wretchedly when trying to get you to come here to work with Iris.”
She tried to laugh, but she felt a great deal more like crying.
“Indeed. You were dreadfully irritating.”
He rolled his forehead slightly against hers. “I don’t regret it. Rules… I know I am lucky enough to be allowed to flout them. I have exploited that privilege ruthlessly. I have tricked, schemed, and lied. I have never cared for the risk.”
He pulled back so their heads were no longer bent together, though he did not yet remove his hand from her face. She opened her eyes to see him watching her with a tenderness that she dared not name.
“But I care about the risk to you,” he said. “I care because you care. So I will behave myself—perhaps for the first time in my life. I just… I need you to know that it isn’t because I don’t want you. It’s because of how much I want you. I need you to understand that.”
He was being so earnest, so kind. So generous and lovely and vulnerable.
Those qualities had never hurt so much. Letitia felt as though he was cutting out her heart.
“I understand,” she said. She could not manage to force anything more through the tightness in her throat.
He gave her a sad smile, his eyes bright. He let out one more shaky breath.
And then he let his hand drop. He put his hands on his own knees and pushed himself up and away.
Letitia didn’t move. She might shatter, if she did. She wasn’t even certain how she was still breathing.
When he reached the door to the parlor, he paused. Then, without turning his back, he said, “I am glad that you told Iris you would visit. You already know her better than anyone. And I am glad that, despite everything that has happened, she will not lose you.”
He left, and Letitia sat there, her trembling hands pressed to her stomach, as if she could hold herself together just by sheer will.
She might not be losing Iris. And that was a blessing. It was.
But she would be losing Ezra. And that hurt a great deal, indeed.
* * *
Ezra needed to leave his house after that. If he didn’t, he was going to end up doing something very, very stupid.
Kissing Letty was probably the highest on that list. But, on the rare chance that he managed not to do that, he was definitely going to end up breaking things.