11. Noah
11
NOAH
I stumble down the stairs from “our” apartment, fighting the whole way to put one foot in front of the other. I want more than anything to run back to the apartment and grovel until Eli forgives me, but I know that won’t do any good. He probably won’t ever forgive me, and he has every right to hate me. I left the room key and let him know the apartment isn’t safe, so maybe he’ll change his mind. I can hope. I shouldn’t, but I can.
I keep my eyes peeled as I cross back through the handful of blocks to the seedy motel where I stayed last night. I probably look like absolute hell. Even though I showered this morning, my head is throbbing and I can still taste the whiskey from the whole goddamn bottle I finished by myself. My mind is swimming as I let myself back into the room. I know I can’t stay here for long, since the Carbones and the police are probably both searching for me, ready to eliminate me as a threat.
I’ll run for now and try to stay alive, but once I get back to my family I’ll have nothing but time to figure out how to bring all of them down. I just have to figure out how to do that without hurting Eli. I know he hates me now, but I still can’t bring myself to accept him as nothing more than collateral damage. I can’t hurt him. I won’t. I need to know that he’ll be safe, and if that means taking out the head of the fucking Carbone family then I’ll do that. If something happens to Eli…may God have mercy on them, because I won’t. That’s as far as I can think about that.
Aside from the local news, I haven’t been able to find out much about the fallout from Eli’s transaction going sideways, just that they found Rossi’s body riddled with bullets and there weren’t any arrests made. Apparently, everyone involved either escaped or chose death…except Eli. I managed to save him, though it seems like that may have made his situation with his family much worse instead of better. I was a pawn, Rossi was a pawn, Eli was a pawn. We were all just pieces being moved by the real players, the leaders of law enforcement and mafia families.
I sit down on the bed and stare at the door. I hope more and more with each passing second that Eli will walk through it. I need to leave. My bag is already packed and ready to go, and though I’ve paid the room up for the next two nights, I know that the powers-that-be are probably closing in. But for some reason, I can’t bring myself to walk out the door. I remind myself that Eli made his choice. He told me to get out, and he’s not stupid enough to still be at that apartment, so going back there would be a stupid risk for no reward.
I grab my bag and walk to the door. I stand there with my hand on the handle, but I just can’t go through with it. I can’t leave without Eli. I shake my head and try to convince myself that he’s not coming, but I can’t. What we had was real, what we felt for each other was real, and Eli has to know that. Nothing else matters, but Eli has to know that I meant it when I said I loved him. I still love him, and nothing will stop me from loving him, even if he won’t let me near him. I huff and go back to the bed. I sling my bag down onto the floor and perch on the edge of it, watching the door. The room is old and smells musty, but it doesn’t matter.
I flop back onto the mattress. I can’t do it. I can’t run. Eli will come back for me; I just need to give him more time. He won’t let me explain everything to him, and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t trust my word either, but he has to feel it. If I give him time, he’ll realize that I could never hurt him. If that means sitting in this busted motel until the bad guys find me, then so be it.
I finally leave the room, but instead of heading for the bus stop I walk up to the front desk, where a bored woman points me in the direction of a store where I can grab a charger for my burner phone. Thankfully Rossi and the rest of the PD decided to keep most of the transactions for my undercover operation cash, or I’d be in a much worse position. As it stands, I have enough to get me across the country if I need to. I can go to the cabin, wait for a while, and maybe come back for Eli once all this blows over.
I shake my head. That’s the stupidest thought I’ve had so far. I get to the store and purchase a charger, then go back to the room and plug the phone into the wall. Waiting for it to charge enough to turn on is excruciating, but not so much as the blow that comes when I have no messages. I start flipping through my contacts. I know Eli’s in trouble, and Gianni Carbone isn’t known for being forgiving.
My fingers hover over one name—someone I went to school with, someone I haven’t spoken to in over two years, but I know she’ll answer, and she could help. But I hesitate. I don’t want to make a decision like this without Eli. It was my making decisions without opening up to him that put me in this position in the first place. I need to wait. Stretching my legs, I pace the room. I’m going to lose my mind in here. I can’t just sit around and do nothing. Fuck it.
I pick up the phone again and make the call. The phone goes to voicemail, but I leave a message.
“Hey, Stacey, it’s Sorrento. I’m in a bit of a jam and I could use your help. Please call me back when you get this.”
I end the call. That was probably stupid, but she’s the only person I can think of who’ll be able to help me fix this. I just hope she understands. I lie back on the bed again and close my eyes. My head is throbbing and my stomach is still roiling with a hangover, but I ignore my discomfort. I just need to know Eli is safe. I try to call him, but his phone is turned off. That’s probably a good thing. I get up and walk to the door again. The best thing I could do for myself is to walk the fuck out of here and not look back, but I still can’t. I go back to the bed and force myself to be still. Exhaustion finally takes over, and I fall asleep.
* * *
It’s dark when I wake to the sound of someone opening the motel door. I roll silently out of bed and grab my 9mm from beneath my pillow. I duck beneath the window and press myself against the wall, keeping the weapon low. The intruder slowly closes the door behind them and slinks into the room. The slight glow of the outside light seeping through the crack in the curtains catches on the planes of the intruder’s face, and I know I must be dreaming.
“Eli?” I whisper into the darkness. He turns toward my voice, and I switch the lamp on. His brilliant green eyes are red-rimmed and shining, but he’s here. He’s safe and he’s in the room with me.
“Noah,” he whispers back.
“This is a dream, isn’t it?” I whisper, more to myself than him.
“Maybe,” Eli answers anyway. “I’m not sure I can tell anymore.”
“Are you alright?” I ask as I cross the room until I’m standing directly in front of him. He flinches away from me and my heart shatters, but he doesn’t pull away.
“No,” he says, and his voice catches. “No, I’m not fucking alright, Noah.” Tears start streaming down his face, and I reach out to touch his cheek.
“Eli,” I say again, and he leans into my touch. My heart starts pounding so hard it feels like it’s trying to escape my chest. He’s here and he’s real. I can’t breathe.
“Please, Noah,” he says, his breath hitching. “Please tell me it’s real. Please tell me you’re real.”
“I’m real,” I say quickly. “I’m real, I’m here, and I love you, Eli.” I pull him toward me and he melts into my arms. “I promise I love you, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it if I need to.”
“Just stay with me,” Eli whispers. I pull him into a tight embrace and hold him until he stops trembling. His long arms stay wrapped around my shoulders as I stroke his back. He smells like rain and soap, and his hair tickles my forehead where my face is tucked into his shoulder. I don’t ever want to move.
Slowly, he disentangles himself from me and I pull back to look at his face. His eyes are shining and the lines on his forehead are deep and concentrated. I reach up and touch his brow, and he closes those sharp green eyes at my touch. Eli’s brow relaxes slightly as I run my fingers down his jaw. He leans his cheek into my palm with a soft sigh, and I force myself to stay still, except for my hand. His brow tightens again and he presses his lips together, and I run my thumb over them.
Eli rolls his head back, and I can’t help myself. I press my lips to his cheek, his jaw, the soft spot beneath his ear. He moans and tightens his grip on me. I lean back and look at him again, but he still hasn’t opened his eyes. I trace my thumbs along his cheeks, and his pained expression relaxes slightly. Slowly, his eyes flutter open and he turns his piercing gaze on me. My blood instantly heats to boiling at the intensity of his gaze as he takes my face in his hands.
“Tell me you love me, Noah.” His voice is raw and full of emotion. “Tell me you mean it. Show me.”
“I love you, Eli,” I say quickly. “I love you. I had no idea how much I could love you until I thought I lost you.”
“Show me,” Eli whispers, his pained expression breaking me into pieces.
“Anything,” I say. “Anything you want.”
His lips find mine, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode. He pushes his tongue through my lips and I lick and suck on it until he moans into my mouth. He grabs me and pulls me against him. His hard cock strains against his pants and mine responds in kind, painfully pushing against my jeans. I start to direct him toward the bed, but he pulls back suddenly. My eyes search his, and then he turns me quickly and shoves me backward onto the mattress. Before I can blink, he’s on top of me and pulling my shirt over my head. I grab at his until he leans up enough for me to pull it off of him. His weight settles over me, and he grinds against me as I fumble for his belt.
He spreads my legs open and sits up between them. My heart races as I look at his chiseled frame, at his long limbs surrounding me and his dick straining against his pants. He makes quick work of taking mine off before removing his, and I have to hold back a moan as his cock springs free of his boxers.
“Turn over,” he growls at me, and my eyes grow wide. My blood pulses in my ears as I do what he says, lying face down on the bed. His hands trace over my back and my shoulders, and I can feel the wet tip of his cock as he flexes over me. I turn my head, but he shoves my face back into the pillow and I go still. Warm oil drips across my lower back and my ass before I feel his hands spreading me open. He lifts my hips to meet him as he gently begins to tongue my opening. Running his tongue around it, before pushing it deep inside. It isn’t long before I feel him push a slick finger into my ass. I cry out into the pillow as he adds a second finger, stretching me open for him.
“You want me to fuck you, Noah?” he asks, and I fight the urge to come all over the bed. “You want me to fuck you like you fucked me?”
“Please, Eli,” I beg into the pillow. I settle my weight onto my knees, my ass open and ready for him. The tip of his dick presses against me, and I cry out in anticipation. In a slow and excruciating movement he slides into me, stretching me open, pain and pleasure blending into exquisite euphoria. He pushes into me until I can feel his hips against mine and he holds still, flexing inside me.
“Yes, Eli,” I moan. He pulls back and thrusts against me. Hard . The pain is almost blinding, but I accept it. He grabs my hips as he pulls back and thrusts again. I cry out into the pillow. He reaches one hand up and grabs my shoulder, yanking my whole body backward as he thrusts again and again, filling me up, stretching me, driving into me with his cock. When he reaches his other hand around and grabs my shaft, I cry out again.
“Tell me you love me, Noah,” Eli growls into my ear as he fucks me. My mind is so blown I can’t even form the words. He thrusts again. “Say it!”
“Fuck! I love you!” I shout at him. I fight with all I have to hold back, to wait for him. The anger, the betrayal, every emotion from the past few days flows through him, tearing me up from the inside as he fucks me so hard I can’t hold back. My orgasm rips through me with more intensity than I’ve ever known as Eli fucks my ass harder and harder. I cry out again, and Eli shoves my head into the pillow and thrusts into me. I feel him release inside me, spurting deep within me while I come against his hand. The yell he releases is feral as he slams into me, riding out his orgasm and prolonging my own. As the waves finally subside, he collapses next to me, gasping for breath.
I lift myself onto my elbow and reach for his face. He leans into my touch. “I hate this, Noah,” he whispers against my palm. My blood turns to ice, but I don’t move. “I hate how much I love you.”
It feels like a gut punch, but I deserve it. I deserve his hate and I definitely don’t deserve his love, but I still want it. I want it more than anything.
“I’m so sorry, Eli,” I say, fighting to keep my voice even. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Bullshit,” he responds with a defeated chuckle. He falls onto his back and throws an arm over his eyes. “You had every intention of hurting me.”
Another gut punch, but he’s not wrong. When I took the job I knew it was going to hurt everyone in his family, including him. I just didn’t know him yet.
“It was stupid,” I say, but I know it sounds hollow.
“No it wasn’t,” he says. “My family’s full of horrible people, and I’m part of it.”
“But you’re not, Eli,” I say quickly. “You’re not like them. You’re perfect.”
“Don’t, Noah.” He turns away from me. I wrap my arm around him and pull his back against my chest. We’re still slick and hot, but I clamp down against him, not allowing him to move.
“Don’t what?” I murmur into his ear. I see his cheek dimple into a smile.
“Don’t try to convince me I’m good, or that I’m different than the rest of my family,” he says. “It’s bullshit, and you know it.”
“Eli, you came back to me,” I murmur, closing my eyes. I have to find a way to make him believe me.
“Like I had a choice.”
“Yeah, you could have killed me,” I say. “Many times over you could’ve killed me, and I would have let you. I deserve it. I deserve every bit of your anger and your hate. I made assumptions about you based on police reports of your father and uncle. I didn’t even try to figure out who you were before jumping into a situation where you would get hurt. What does that make me?” I bury my face in his back. All of these words are rushing out, and I’m realizing more than ever just how true they all are.
“A cop,” he says, and his body goes limp next to me. “A cop who I’m too weak to resist.”
“That’s because you’re better than me,” I say into his back. My phone chimes on the nightstand.
“Who’s that?” Eli asks, his body suddenly going rigid.
“Someone who can help us,” I say as I roll over to retrieve the phone. I feel him shift beside me, and when I turn back to him his face is full of anger.
“Let me explain,” I say. He looks torn. I can’t start to understand how he must feel right now, but I have to find a way to convince him that I’m not the enemy, at least not anymore. His nostrils flare, but he just presses his lips together, so I tell him everything.
I tell him about my father, how he was part of the Carbone family and what happened to him when he tried to leave. I tell him about my mother and sister and how we were almost burned alive when I was a baby. I show him the scars on my arm. I tell him about becoming a cop and how I was assigned to his family. Finally I tell him about my contact, Stacey, how she’s FBI and can help us take down his uncle and the corrupt cops who keep him in business, or barring that, she can at least help us escape.
He listens quietly to my entire diatribe, his face inscrutable. I look at the phone, then back at him. “She said to call her in an hour, but I’m not doing anything else without you.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, eyeing me warily.
“I mean, whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it. I don’t care as long as I’m with you,” I say. “If you want me to go to your uncle and die at his hands, I’ll willingly go if that makes you happy. If you want to run, I’m right with you. If you want to talk to Stacey and see if she can help us take your uncle down, we can do that, too. I won’t do anything that hurts you again, Eli. I love you too much for that. Just tell me what you want.”
Eli stares across the room for what feels like an eternity. It takes all I have not to beg his forgiveness again. Finally he looks at me, and his expression falls into something that looks like resignation. “Let’s see what she has to say.”