Chapter 18 #4
He had no intention of having her disappear again, without any sort of explanation. It had been difficult enough for him today, which was another thing that surprised him.
He had never anticipated that her absence would bother him so much.
“Oh, that’s rich, coming from you.” Rachel let out a humorless laugh. “I am even surprised that you are being so insistent as well. Am I the only woman who was free tonight, and there is no one else to keep you company?”
“You still have not let that go?” he asked, frustrated.
“Easy for you to say.” Rachel’s voice cracked slightly. And at that moment, Simon felt bad.
Perhaps he needed to behave differently. He had given her a reason to be upset. He rubbed the side of his face.
“Give me a moment,” he said to her, eyes closed.
“So that you can evade another question?” she replied, “Because frankly, I am quite sick of it and do not wish to have my night ruined further—”
He grabbed her by the wrist just as she tried to leave, pulling her back into him.
“Stay,” it was more of a request than a command. His grip was loose enough that if Rachel wanted, she could easily break free of it, but she did not.
“Thank you,” he replied after a moment. “You need to understand that I have not dealt with a woman with whom I have to live and cater for before.”
Rachel shot him a confused look.
“What are you trying to imply?” she asked, though her tone was coming out much softer now.
“I am trying to imply that you need to be patient with me,” he sighed. “I did not grow up with sisters, nor did I have a partner before you. I do not know what the right answer is when a woman confronts me for having a mistress I don’t have.”
He had hoped that Rachel would find some solace in his words, but instead, she just seemed to grow even angrier. “So that was your solution? To say nothing at all? To let me believe—” She cut herself off, exhaling sharply. “Simon, do you even hear yourself?”
“Rachel, what would you have had me say?” Simon ran a hand through his hair, exasperated.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she snapped. “How about ‘I do not have a mistress’? That would have sufficed.”
“Fair point,” he winced.
“Fair point,” she repeated, shaking her head. “Even now, that is all that you have to say to me. Do you even hear yourself?”
“I am not used to… explaining myself.”
“Yes, I gathered that much. You prefer silence. Vanishing acts. Letting me fill in the blanks with my own worst thoughts.” She swallowed. “Do you have any idea what that did to me?”
Simon hesitated, his throat tightening. He had seen her hurt before, but this felt different. She wasn’t just angry—she was devastated.
“Let me apologize,” he said finally. They were not words that he was used to saying out loud. “I did not mean to hurt you.”
“And yet, you keep doing it,” Rachel continued. “One would wonder how that works.”
“Rachel, I swear to you—there is no one else. There has never been anyone else,” he admitted finally. It was something that he should have clarified for her a long time ago—but he could not help himself.
At his words, Rachel went very still and then simply looked at him. Simon took it as his cue to continue.
At least she is not storming off.
“If I have been distant, it is not because of another woman. It is because… of my own personal matters.”
“Which you refuse to tell me about,” she snapped. “This is what I mean by evading. You mention something and then give me no other details. And I am left to draw my own conclusions. It is maddening.”
“I am looking for something,” Simon said finally. “For your own sake, I cannot let you be privy to the details. The last thing I want is for you to be caught up in it.”
“Why not?”
“Because if I fail, it is my burden to bear, not yours.”
“Simon…”
“And if I succeed…” His voice trailed off. “Then I will finally have peace.”
“And what about me?” she whispered.
Simon’s gaze snapped back to hers. What about you, indeed?
“Where do I fit in, in all of this?”
He did not know how to answer that. He could only feel her, standing so close, looking at him with such innocence in her eyes that it killed him to keep the truth from her.
“Do you want the honest answer?” he asked finally.
“Always, yes.”
“I do not know,” he sighed.
“Well,” Rachel said after a long moment of silence. “At least I can appreciate the honesty, though it provides me no clarity at all.”
She let out a sigh. Perhaps she was also too exhausted by this constant tussle between the two of them.
“I never meant to make you feel unwanted,” he conceded finally. “If that was the impression you got, then you were sorely mistaken.”
“You cannot blame me for feeling that way.” Rachel searched his face. “Why push me away if that is what you felt?”
It was a question that he had already asked himself. Simon pushed his hands into his pockets. “You will mock me for my answer,” he said, testing the waters.
“At this point,” she let out a long breath, “I am fine with anything. So please.”
Simon looked at her for a long moment before answering.
“Because wanting you is dangerous.”
“Danger—”
“Let me explain myself at least,” he cut her off. It had taken him everything to be honest with her. “You make me forget. When I am with you, I lose sight of the things I have spent years focusing on. I become distracted. And I cannot afford distractions.”
“So, is that all I am to you?” Rachel blinked. “A distraction. Or something of an inconvenience?”
“You are everything I have spent my life avoiding.” His jaw clenched.
Simon stepped closer then, just a fraction. His voice was lower now, almost resigned. “You make me want things I have long since decided I do not deserve.”
Rachel did not speak, but he noticed how her breathing was coming out rougher than before.
“This is why I made the rules.” To avoid this very situation, but look where we have ended up. He pushed the thought away and continued. “This is why I did not want you interfering.”
“Do you think…” she managed to splutter out, “do you believe that if I got too close to you, you would no longer be able to push me away?”
He wished that he could deny it, but she had arrived at the truth. The realization washed over both of them.
“You do not need to do this alone,” she said in a softer voice.
“You make it sound simpler than it is,” he said, smiling sadly. “But you do not really understand.”
“Then help me understand,” Rachel took a slow breath. “Tell me what you have been keeping from me. If you want us to move forward, then you are going to have to remove these barriers you have put in place.”
Things were moving too fast for Simon, but he knew that if he denied her now, she would only distance herself further—starve herself, avoid him.
“The attic,” Rachel continued, her fingers curling at her sides. “You told me not to go there.”
“Rachel,” he said her name, this time almost like a warning. Don’t go there.
“What’s in there, Simon?”
Simon closed his eyes, choosing to ignore the question. What she did not know would not hurt her.
“You say you want to be honest. You say you don’t have a mistress.
That it’s not another woman keeping you away, but this—this thing that you won’t tell me.
” She inhaled sharply. “So tell me. If you truly want transparency, if this conversation is meant to mean anything, then you must be fully honest. Otherwise, it’s all been for nothing. ”
She was right. If he held back now, if he continued to push her away, then all of this would be pointless.
Then, finally, with great reluctance, Simon sighed. “Fine.”
Rachel looked like she could not believe what she was hearing. She took a hesitant step towards him.
“But I will only show you. I will not explain everything—not tonight,” he continued. Rachel opened her mouth to argue, but Simon cut her off. “That is my condition. If you want to see, then you will have to accept that some answers will come later.”
“Fine.” It was Rachel’s turn to say the word. “Show me, then.”