Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
B right lights blared overhead, and yet another person ran into me.
I wore my brightest shirt, an orange one with a little devil dancing on the front.
As much as I wished otherwise, I didn’t have any powers of invisibility, so the other shoppers could see me.
Still, everyone around me seemed to head straight for me, walking too close, jarring my buggy, bumping my shoulder.
The music over the loudspeakers beat in my ears, filling them so full that it was a physical pain, but the regular interruptions letting shoppers know about the sale on avocados were worse.
Those sounds stabbed through the overstuffed cotton of the music and pierced my drums directly.
Someone in the next aisle smelled like cigarette smoke, weed, and cat urine.
Despite the distance, I wanted to vomit.
I stood there frozen in the chicken nugget aisle.
I knew I needed to find the right brand and get the bag, but I couldn’t seem to remember how to do that.
Some piece of me whispered that if I moved, it would be over.
The mask of a normal shopper would fall away, and I would crumble under the weight of my own senses.
This world was too much.
It wasn’t made for me.
Something as simple as grocery shopping was enough to break me, and the thought of that sent another wave of panic racing through me.
There was a reason I didn’t do this. Frankie hadn’t even blinked when we agreed she would do the shopping and I would do the staying home not having a panic attack when we became roommates, but she was on a trip looking for sasquatch or maybe aliens, and Duke had been so busy at work that I hadn’t seen him since I’d left him with that woman.
I didn’t want to think about her. She was so beautiful and sophisticated.
She looked like she belonged there in that office, a stark contrast to my frumpy, awkward self.
I couldn’t stand Duke seeing us side by side like that.
What if that was why he stayed away the last few days?
What if he saw her, dressed immaculately, even on a Saturday, and realized he made a mistake pitying me?
What if even now he was with her, bending her over the desk, calling her a good girl?
Panic rose higher and higher.
Pathetic excuse for a human . My boss’ voice from earlier rang through my head. I overheard him talking to a new employee yesterday. He didn’t even hide that he was talking about me. I wanted to report him, I did, but the last time I tried, HR called me in and put me on a performance plan.
I couldn’t do anything right .
I couldn’t even feed myself.
Someone else brushed by me, bumping my shoulder as they opened the door I could only stare at. Their mouth moved, but all I could hear was my breathing, the blaring music, and the buzz of lights. All I could do was try to breathe.
Don’t let them see how useless you are.
A cold splat of something landed on my toe where it peaked out from my sandal, and I realized that I still held the ice cream I had grabbed earlier. Condensation built up enough to drip from it in great, big drops.
I looked down at my foot, wondering if it was even still there, wondering if I even still had a body at all as everything in me went numb, but all that greeted me were colors so blurred I couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began.
So much for holding it all in.
I dropped the ice cream and my small basket where I stood. A store employee yelled something at me, but all I could think was that I needed to get out of there. I needed air. I needed?—
“Lily?” A low, startled voice cut through my panic. I knew that voice. I’d know that voice anywhere. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say anything. The path from that place words lived in my brain to my mouth was severed, and I couldn’t find the pieces to put it back together again. I blinked at him, his features out of focus and blurred, but nothing worked.
I lifted my hands to wipe my tears, remembering that they existed too late. They were shaking. When had they started doing that?
“Come on.” His gentle hand enveloped mine. Despite my overwhelmed state, the touch was soothing instead of overstimulating. Just my hand. Just warmth and steadiness. Just an anchor when I felt adrift.
Duke held the car door open for me. It was the Bronco. Orange. Just like my shirt. Just like the light behind my eyes when I closed them to turn off one of my senses to gain control of the storm raging inside me.
I curled into the seat and focused on breathing until I stopped shaking so badly. Duke said nothing for a long time, letting me have this silence, this peace. The car smelled like him, like warmth, sunny days, and childhood fun—like home.
Eventually, I found the connection to my voice again. What would I say, though? He caught me fleeing the grocery store like a madwoman, sobbing as if someone died.
“I’m sorry,” we said at the same time. My eyes popped open. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“I—nothing. Just sorry for whatever you’re going through.
” Duke raised his hand like he wanted to touch me but didn’t.
I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful for that or not.
My senses were still too much from the intense stimulation of the store, and I didn’t know if it would hurt if he touched me right now.
“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” He spoke so quietly, as if he was afraid to break me again, or maybe he knew, somehow, that I needed the quiet.
I stared at him, trying to decide how much to say. I didn’t want to scare him away, but I needed my best friend right now and despite everything else, he was still that.
“I had to go grocery shopping,” I said eventually.
The floodgates opened with that, and I couldn’t stop myself from saying more, from revealing it all.
“Everything was too much and I’m hungry, but I can’t go back in there.
I can’t go shopping. I’m useless. Useless.
I can’t even feed myself.” My chest heaved with the weight of admitting this.
I’d scarcely allowed myself to think about it.
Duke sat silently as a sob escaped me, followed closely by another and another, flooding the space between us.
So much for dignity.
“The world isn’t made for me, and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last in it,” I admitted when I could breathe without shaking. My words were watery and small, and I couldn’t believe I’d actually shared them.
“Oh.” It was all Duke said and my heart broke. I wished he said more, or maybe nothing at all. Would it be better for him to pretend I said nothing? Would that make this hole in me where those words lived any better? Would I feel less naked and afraid?
“Listen to me, Lily,” he said, breaking the prolonged silence. “You are not useless. You inspire me every day. You are strong and wonderful. You call me on my shit. You keep me grounded and honest. I wouldn’t be me without you.”
He raised his hand again, and this time I nodded at him. He touched my cheek softly at first before settling it on me, heavy and warm.
“Whenever the world is too much, I’m right here. Whatever you need. I’ll get it. Whatever you can’t do, I’ll do it.” He brushed a tear from my cheek.
“Is that your billionaire superpower?” I asked to ease some of the seriousness and regain a semblance of control over myself.
“Damn straight it is. You never want to go shopping again? Done. I’ll order you a meal kit service or a delivery service. Hell, I can hire a personal assistant for you to do all your errands for you. Just”—his voice shook—“just stay in this world. Let me create one built just for you.”
Duke’s thumb still traced my tears, wiping away the new ones that fell while he spoke. If I could taste emotions, they would probably taste complex, like hope and shame and desire and love and pain all rolled into one.
I couldn’t speak. I just nodded my head and closed my eyes. I leaned against the headrest and breathed. Duke never took his hand from my face. He just held it there, holding me together, keeping me in this world.
“I’m still hungry,” I said when I’d calmed enough to register my body again. “I think I ate yesterday and then work was busy and my boss kept interrupting me and I didn’t eat today.”
“My place or the drive thru?” I appreciated that none of the options required that I leave this vehicle and endure the public again.
“Drive thru. I need fries, chicken nuggets, and a vanilla milkshake.”
“Protein, carbs, and fats. Excellent choice.” He pulled his hand away and despite the warm day, my cheek was cold without it there. Logically, I knew he needed it to drive, but I wished I could just keep it there. Just a little longer. Maybe forever.
I tore into my food before we even left the parking lot of the restaurant, dipping a fry into my shake and shoving it into my mouth like a starving mad woman—which, I guess, I was.
They had the best milkshakes made with real ice cream. Something about the contrast between the hot, salty fries and the cold, sweet milkshake always filled the hole in my heart and belly.
I didn’t realize I had moaned until I caught sight of Duke shaking his head at me, his mouth twitching like he held back a smile. He grabbed one fry and popped it in his mouth, sans shake.
Some people were crazy and there was nothing I could do about it.
We stopped in front of my house.
“Wait, why are we here?” I licked the salt from my fingers and wiped them on my jeans.
“I figured one of two things. Either you would want your own familiar space or if you want—if you are willing—I, uh… thought you could spend the night with me. In which case, you will need your things.”
He scratched his head and refused to look directly at me, which I preferred most of the time, but it wasn’t like Duke. Was he nervous to have me spend the night?
“I would like to stay with you. Especially if you have food.” I threw a whole chicken nugget into my mouth for emphasis and regretted it immediately. Duke laughed at me as I tried to blow on the hot nugget while it sat like lava in my mouth.
“I have food. Let’s get your stuff and maybe those nuggets will be eating temp by the time we are done.” Duke got out of the car and came around to my side to open my door while I tried to figure out what to do with the nugget burning a hole in the roof of my mouth.
I liked the way he looked at me as I got out, like I was a light that drew him in, unable to look away, like I was the best thing he had ever seen. It sent something fluttering in my stomach. I wasn’t sure what I did to earn that look, but I never wanted him to stop.
I slipped my hand into Duke’s and twined my fingers with his.
Like before, his hand felt like an anchor and guide all at once, grounding me and showing me the way to calmer waters.
He seemed surprised by this, but squeezed my hand as we walked to the door, refusing to let go until he absolutely had to.
I gathered my things in my bedroom while he raided my bathroom.
I reached for my unicorn pillow, the soft one that felt like safety.
I liked to hold it while I fell asleep, especially after a day like today, but this was different.
Spending the night at a lover’s house was new, and I wasn’t sure if it would be weird to bring a comfort pillow. I was an adult, for god’s sake.
I set the pillow back down. Maybe in the future I would bring it, but then there wouldn’t be a future, would there?
One month—and half of it was already gone.
I felt a pang of pain when I set it down, and I didn’t know if it was because this might be the only time I did this or because I left this bit of comfort behind while I did.