Chapter Two #4
Her childhood had been defined by poverty and she had made a vow to herself that her son’s life would be different.
She refused to subject him to the same hardships she herself had endured growing up.
She would not allow Thomas to watch on, helpless, as his mother had to disgrace herself to survive, or give him the chance to feel the same devastation she had experienced as she’d watched her sick mother wither away.
But last night she’d come so close to doing something despicable, so she had made this gut-wrenching decision.
She wanted a better future for her boy, and she had to act now, before it was too late.
Before he even remembered her being a part of his life.
‘I have to put Thomas first. I’ve realised giving him up is the best thing I can do for him.
’ But it didn’t mean her heart wasn’t breaking.
It hurt so much. If she handed Thomas over to his father and walked away, she would have nothing left to live for, but she loved her son more than she loved herself.
‘I’m sure my news is the last thing you wanted or needed to hear today, especially given the recent events with your brother… ’
Edward froze and the words dried up on her tongue. A muscle flickered at his temple, and she knew instantly she’d said the wrong thing; for daring to touch on something so personal. ‘Did you?’ he said, his voice like acid.
She had learned about his brother’s death through someone reading out a gossip sheet in the street.
The details had been sparse, but she had heard William had suffered a riding accident and her heart had gone out to his family.
But she had mainly thought about the effects it would have on Edward, knowing how close they were.
‘So now I have become next in line to the title, you decided to come, knowing I am worth all the more?’ Edward’s brittle blue eyes seared into hers. ‘I wonder… Would you even have come to me, told me about the boy, if it was not for this?’
She raked in a breath. ‘It has nothing to do with your brother or your future title. It has been playing on my mind, you not knowing, for a while.’
‘Am I supposed to be grateful?’ His voice hardened. ‘You should know, I always doubt the intentions of those who pretend to care.’
Bea blanched. She had never realised how cynical he was, but she saw it now. Was that because of the way his father had treated him, growing up? Still, he was twisting her words. It took all her effort to bite back her angry retort.
‘Tell me, did you plan this all along? Did you step out into that road and bewitch me, knowing what would happen later?’
Her stomach roiled, but she only had herself to blame.
She should have said no to his invitation, stopped him from kissing her and putting his hands on her.
Yet in that moment, nothing could have made her do so.
Her desire had been insatiable. She had wanted.
But had she hoped something would come of it?
No, she had never believed he would defy convention and marry her after one night.
Yet she had expected a goodbye. Waking up to find him gone, without any explanation, had felt like such a betrayal, a wound that had never healed.
‘I wouldn’t have come if I’d had any other choice.
’ Her pride tasted bitter as she swallowed it down.
‘Yes, I heard about your brother and that you would be on the marriage mart this Season, and I decided I had to see you, to tell you about our son, before that, because after struggling with the decision, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was worried about the ramifications if I didn’t.
And…’ She bowed her head, studying a small fleck of cotton on the leather seat.
She hung her head in shame, feeling so small.
‘Because my own circumstances are dire…’
He sat back. ‘Go on.’
She took a deep breath. ‘The truth is, I am destitute.’ The shame and humiliation burned. ‘I lost my position and lodgings at the inn because of Thomas. I’m struggling to provide for him. We cannot go on as we have been.’
‘So it is coin that you’re after!’ he said.
She had expected this—his condemning dismissal. But she refused to be intimidated. She was no longer the naive young woman Edward had taken to bed. She had her son to think of and she would fight for him.
‘No, I do not want your coin or your title, Edward. I do not want anything from you. The only thing that matters is Thomas. If you agree to take him, I promise you will never see me again.’ He reared, but she carried on.
‘I am asking you to help your son, not me. I know he can never be your legal heir—that he is illegitimate. I only ask that you provide him with a safe home. Food on his plate. Schooling.’ Her voice cracked with emotion as she uttered her basic requests.
The crease between his brow deepened. ‘And what—you will just disappear?’
‘Yes. A mother would do anything for her child.’
He cursed and shook his head. There was a long silence as he stared out the window, shadows passing over his handsome face. After what seemed like an age, he turned back towards her. ‘Where would you go? Family, or do you have a lover perhaps?’ he questioned darkly.
‘No!’ She shook her head. ‘I have no one in my life. No family left living. No one to turn to but you.’
He drew a hand over his jaw.
‘And you believe that will be the best for the boy, do you? To be raised without a mother?’ His anger seemed to be increasing, not easing at her words, and she couldn’t understand it.
He combed a hand through his hair. ‘It seems to me you are taking the easy way out by handing him over. Will you not miss him?’
It was as if he was reaching inside her chest and ripping out her heart with every word he spoke. ‘None of this has been or is easy,’ she said. Another tear escaped and furiously, she rubbed at her eyes. ‘But this is not about me. It’s about Thomas having the life he deserves.’
Edward stared at her for a long moment, before reaching for Thomas and gathering him up.
She waited, holding her breath, wondering what he was going to decide.
Fatherhood looked good on him, she thought, as he stared down at the child in his arms, and she felt a pang for a family that could never be.
He raised his hand to rap on the roof. ‘Drive on, George,’ he said.
Bea felt the coach jolt into life, and she gasped, sitting upright. ‘What are you doing?’ She immediately threw herself toward the door, gripping the handle, but wrenching it down, it appeared to be locked. ‘Tell your man to stop!’ she said, turning to Edward, aghast.
‘I cannot do that,’ he said, leaning back. ‘I have somewhere I am meant to be—tonight is the first ball of the Season and I must dress for the occasion. I will not be late.’
She was acutely aware of the clip-clop of horses’ hooves and the rumbling of the wheels as they began to roll over the cobbled streets.
‘So let me out!’ she said, frantic, desperate.
He shook his head. ‘No.’
She glanced out of the window, where buildings and people were now drifting by. The city streets were teeming with workers going about their day, the air thick with smog and noise. She looked back up at him, panicked. ‘Where are you taking me?’
‘Longwood. My ancestral home.’
What? No! This was not part of the plan. She was not fit to be seen there. Surely he didn’t want her to be! She would be judged. Shamed. Worse, she would be at his mercy.
She gripped the edge of the seat as the carriage rocked back and forth, trying to calm herself. There was still time to reason with him.
Outside, the view soon began to change as they started to travel along leafy tree-lined streets.
They passed families taking an early-evening stroll and she felt a twinge of remorse for a future she had given up when she’d had this man’s child.
She had tried so hard to make something of herself over the years, to pay her own way, to create a life for herself.
But it had all been destroyed by one reckless night.
Edward leaned forward. He was close—so close, she got another waft of his signature spicy scent. ‘You think you can come to me, announce I have a child, who you have kept from me all this time, and that I would let you just hand him over and walk away?’ He shook his head. ‘I do not think so.’
Ignoring him, she reached for the handle of the door again, trying to escape once more.
‘Stop it,’ he said sternly.
‘What do you want from me?’ she wailed.
‘There is a lot at stake here. I need to keep this news contained, at least until I have determined what I intend to do.’
‘Keep me contained you mean,’ she spat, her voice laced with dread. ‘You want to hide me away, like some shameful secret.’
‘That is rather hypocritical, do you not think?’ he said, interrupting her. ‘Given that is exactly how you yourself have behaved, withholding the boy from me all this time.’
Did that mean he believed her? Exasperated, exhausted, all out of options, she slumped back against the seat in defeat. ‘You can’t do this. People will wonder where I am.’
‘Who will wonder? You said yourself you had nowhere to go and no one to turn to.’
She swallowed. He was right. And she cursed herself for revealing so much, yet there was no changing it now. She’d made her decision and involved Edward in their lives.
‘We have much to discuss. The sooner we get the matter cleared up, the better.’
Her heart trembled. He sounded as though he was talking about a business deal he might make at his mill, not the beautiful baby who lay sleeping between them.
Finally, the coach turned, the wheels making a rhythmic clatter, preventing them from talking anymore, as they slowly ascended a long drive, taking them to Longwood.