Chapter Six #3
‘I’m completely full,’ she said, placing her hand on her stomach. ‘I’m not used to eating so much. And Thomas needs me.’ She tucked in her chair, biting her lip, guiltily aware she was using her son as an excuse to escape her new husband on their wedding night. ‘Thank you for dinner, Edward.’
‘Is he asleep?’
Bea looked up, spinning round from where she was sitting by the crib, holding Thomas in her arms, startled to see Edward there, leaning against the door-frame of the nursery.
He had removed his coat and cravat and loosened the collar of his shirt.
He looked darkly attractive and her body instinctively reacted.
A swarm of startled butterflies took flight in her stomach.
She felt sudden heat rise in her cheeks.
‘Yes, though he took a while to settle. I had to rock him,’ she whispered, her mouth suddenly dry. ‘I thought you had retired to bed.’
He came into the room to stand beside her, pushing his hands into his breeches pockets. He looked down at his son.
‘Does he not like his new crib?’
‘He’s just used to sleeping while being held, that’s all.’ Was that fear behind the tremble she could hear in her voice? There were no serving staff to watch them now. It was just the two of them. Alone. And her blood thrummed with awareness.
What was Edward doing here? She thought they had said their goodnights.
‘Come,’ he said, tilting his head towards the door. ‘We need to talk and I do not want to wake him.’
Her heart lurched. Just talk?
She did not know his intentions and even though she had determined she could not let him touch her she was tense about what would happen if he tried.
She was afraid. Not of him—she knew he would never force her to do anything she didn’t want to do.
But she was distrustful of herself. Frightened, because even though in her mind she knew she should say no to his advances, her body seemed to have other ideas.
It was crying out for him to hold her, to touch her again.
He was making her crave things she hadn’t wanted in a long time, and she was appalled with herself, because how could she even think of letting him near her again, when he had said such cruel things about the last time they had lain together; when the consequences had been so great, and when she knew the intimacy wouldn’t be real?
Still, she wasn’t sure she could resist him.
The fact she was expected to submit to him tonight, that she had no right to deny him as his bride, weighed even heavier on her conscience.
But she had to protect her feelings and keep him at a distance.
She’d given him a part of herself once—lost her virtue to him, but also her heart—and she could never get either back.
She had clearly put more than he had on the night they had spent together before, because she had been crushed when he’d left.
She had thought about him often, even in her dreams. But he had walked away and never given her another thought, so she was determined to keep up her guard now.
She had the absurd notion that if she kept hold of Thomas in her arms, Edward would have to stay away.
But she knew she couldn’t be a coward and hold on to her boy all night.
She carefully lowered him down into his crib before allowing Edward to press a gentle hand to her lower back and escort her out of the room.
He pulled the door softly behind them before he began to lead her down the dimly lit corridor.
‘Have you had a good day?’
She nodded. It might as well have been morning still, not bedtime, for she was so alert right now.
‘Yes.’ She was excruciatingly aware of his proximity, that Edward’s body was almost brushing against hers.
She could feel his heat, and she brought her arms up over her chest, crossing them, trying to create some kind of barrier between them. Would it keep him at bay?
‘Do you think you might grow to like it here at Longwood?’
‘It is a beautiful place.’ Whether it would ever feel like home was another matter. Would she ever get used to being in this man’s company every day?
Time slowed down. The air felt heavy, the silence full as they reached her door and came to a stop. The simmering tension was so great, her legs began to shake. ‘What did you want to talk about?’ she asked bravely.
‘I wanted to let you know my friends will be arriving late morning tomorrow.’
She swallowed. ‘Thank you.’
‘I was hoping we could break our fast together before then?’
She gave a curt nod. ‘Yes. That would be nice.’ She put her trembling hand to the doorknob. ‘Is that all?’
He swore beneath his breath, seemingly frustrated with himself. ‘No. That’s not all.’ He stepped towards her. ‘I didn’t like the way we ended our evening, our wedding day, without saying goodnight.’
Bea’s throat worked. She went to say something but seemed to have lost the ability to speak.
Edward reached out to cup her jaw, causing a ripple of heat to pass through her body, and she shivered in terrible excitement.
‘I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful today, Bea. The past days have been a torment, living under the same roof, not being able to touch you. I have hungered to kiss you again. I could not let you go to sleep without kissing you goodnight.’
She stared up at him, stunned. A part of her was cheering, her blood dancing in her veins to hear he still desired her, willing him to place his hands on her—everywhere.
She wanted him to take control, push open her door and walk her backwards into the room, not stopping until he toppled her onto the bed.
She wanted him to peel off her clothes and caress her naked skin, just as he had done once before, creating sensations she had never known existed.
Oh, how she wished to be that woman again, carefree, who had basked beneath his heated gaze and invited him inside her body, to give her endless pleasure.
But the thought brought her up short, shocking her.
Edward had spoken no words of tenderness, and looking up into his eyes, she knew, this wasn’t about affection, it was about sating a need. Just like it had been before.
Her whole body stiffened. ‘Edward,’ she whispered. ‘Please don’t.’
He stared down at her, doubt clouding his brilliant blue eyes. ‘You do not want me to kiss you?’
She shook her head, biting her lip. ‘No.’
He blanched. Hurt mixed with concern filled his eyes. ‘Why?’
‘Because…’
His thumb stroked her jaw. His eyes dipped to her lips. ‘We are married now. You are my wife. We would not be doing anything wrong.’
‘That does not mean it would feel right.’
His brow furrowed. ‘What do you mean?’
She placed her hand over his and removed it from her skin, finding her courage. ‘Edward, I don’t understand how you can suddenly want to kiss me again now, when you haven’t spared me a thought these past fifteen months. When you didn’t even think of me once.’
He reared, but she carried on. ‘I trusted you that night. With my body, my feelings. But you ruined that trust when you left without saying goodbye, after the intimate things we’d done together.’
It had reminded her of the way her father had deemed her mother unworthy, leaving her so cruelly. Bea had felt like a fool to have allowed Edward to take such liberties with her too, and after all her mother had warned her about men.
Nothing had felt the same after Edward had left and of course, it hadn’t been. He had changed her life for ever. ‘You made me feel as if I was something shameful you wanted to forget,’ she said, tilting her chin up defiantly.
He pulled back. ‘That is not true.’
‘No?’
‘No. I never forgot about you, Bea. Or about that night.’
‘You never returned. I suppose that is why I hesitated to come to you about Thomas. I did not think you would want to know—just as you had no desire to know me. You got what you wanted and crept away. You used me—and never intended to see me again.’
‘I did not use you!’ he said, moving away and slashing the air angrily with his hand. ‘Goddamn it, Bea, I certainly did not leave because I regretted it.’
She shrank back at his sudden anger. ‘Why then?’
‘Because…’
‘What?’
‘Because I wanted to stay so much!’
She shook her head, not understanding, and he took a step back towards her.
He drew in a ragged breath. ‘I looked down at you sleeping and I wished… I wished that our circumstances were different. That I could stay with you longer.’ He took her hands in his.
‘You are right. I should have waited for you to wake, to tell you that. But I have always had difficulty expressing my emotions, perhaps as my own were so often ignored when I was growing up. In the end, I reasoned that I could not stay, that if I remained with you the consequences could be severe. I thought we both knew that.’
‘I did. I never expected you to stay. I knew it was impossible. But I did…’
‘…expect more from me,’ he said, finishing her sentence for her, his handsome face serious.
He nodded. ‘I know.’ He gave her fingers a gentle squeeze.
‘I appreciate it must be hard for you to think you can depend on me now. I was not there when you needed me the most. But please believe me when I say I do want to know you—and Thomas.’
His admission of guilt was so unexpected, it had knocked her off her pins.
She stared up at him, unsure what to say or how to respond.
She had never dreamed a man such as he would ever admit to being wrong.
It was as if he was acknowledging her hurt, almost as though it mattered to him.
As if she mattered to him. Her heart hammered.
‘You called me—our night together—a mistake,’ she said, unwilling to forgive him yet, for surely that would be dangerous. ‘Twice.’