Chapter Twelve
‘Bea?’
A gentle hand on her shoulder woke her, and she started.
Edward.
Edward was here.
She sat bolt upright. She had cried herself to sleep, still dressed in her ball gown, and looking around her, she saw her half-packed bag and its contents was strewn across the floor.
‘Can we talk?’
He looked stern and dreadfully tired.
She nodded, trying to ignore the trembling that started in her body, worried what he’d come here to say. She attempted to steel her heart against him, but it was no use, she had never been able to.
He sat down on the bed beside her and reached out to cup her jaw. ‘You said you were leaving me,’ he said. ‘Our son. Why would you say that, Bea?’
She shook her head as her tears fell freely once more. She felt wretched about all that had happened. She hated that she had uttered those words and let him down, and yet she wasn’t the only one to blame here, for he had failed her too, not letting her explain, faltering when she needed him most.
She tipped her chin up. ‘Well, you didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I didn’t think you wanted me around, after what was said, what you overheard. You were angry. You wouldn’t speak to me… You thought the worst and—’
‘I did not believe it.’
Her heart stopped. Lifted. ‘You didn’t?’
‘No. I knew you wouldn’t have done that. What Lord Wintour accused you of. But you know how I feel about secrets. I knew you had kept something from me.’
She bit her lip. ‘I wanted to tell you. Truly. But I was worried what you might think. I was afraid of ruining everything that was good between us. I’m so sorry, Edward.’
‘You didn’t tell me because you were not confident about my feelings for you—is that right? You weren’t sure you could trust me. Just like I didn’t tell you about my mother because I was worried it would scare you away.’
He brushed a tear away from her face and she nodded.
‘Then Lord Wintour made that announcement and the worst happened anyway,’ she said. ‘I was terrified I’d humiliated you, Edward. That I’d ruined your reputation. Something I never wanted to do, even when I came to see you and tell you about Thomas.’
He took her hand in his, entwining her fingers with his own. ‘Do you want to tell me about it now? My anger has worn off. I am ready to listen.’
She nodded and wiped her face. She sat back on the bed and he swung his legs up and came to sit beside her. He still held her hand loosely in his and he gave her a reassuring squeeze, giving her the courage to do this.
‘What Lord Wintour said…it was despicable, but do not think so well of me yet, Edward, as his words—they were not far from the truth.’
A muscle flickered in his cheek. ‘Go on.’
‘I told you about my mother meeting a man, just like I met you. When he left her, she was ruined, as was I when I discovered I was with child. My mother had no home, no food…just like me. Edward, the things she did to provide for me…’ She shook her head.
‘What—what did she do, Bea?’ His voice sounded hoarse, raw. She saw the shadows beneath his eyes.
‘She sold her body for coin.’
He swore.
‘Just when she had to at first, as a means to get by. But as I grew older, it began to happen more often. She didn’t want to,’ she added hastily. ‘She had no choice. I know, because I nearly reduced myself to the same.’
Edward went very still.
‘The night before I came to see you, I was desperate. I hadn’t eaten in days. I didn’t know where Thomas and I were going to sleep. I was walking the streets and a man…a man came out of a tavern and saw me.’ She swallowed.
‘Lord Wintour?’
She nodded.
‘I thought he was kind at first. He offered me a cup of ale. His cloak to wear. It was the first kindness I’d received in a long while.
He asked me where I was staying and I confessed I had no lodgings.
He bought me a meal, and after I’d eaten it, he said he would put me and Thomas up in a room for the night.
I couldn’t believe it. I should have known it was too good to be true. ’
‘What happened?’ Edward’s skin had turned ashen.
‘When we got to the dirty room above the tavern, he demanded I lie with him in return for his hospitality.’
Edward cursed again. He released her hand and threw himself off the bed. He paced over to the door, raking a hand over his face. ‘I am going to kill the man,’ he said.
Bea shook her head, staring up at him. She liked that he was angry on her behalf, wanting to defend her, but he didn’t yet know the worst part of all.
He stood, his hands on his hips, his body shaking with emotion. ‘What happened?’
‘I—I…’ she bit her lip. ‘I thought how bad could it be? That at least Thomas would be warm, safe for the night. That I would suffer that man putting his hands on me, for my son. If my mother had done it, I thought maybe I could do it too.’
Another tear fell and Edward came back to sit beside her again on the bed.
‘Bea…’
‘When he started to kiss me, put his hands on me, I froze. I felt sick. I shoved him away, reached for Thomas and ran. I couldn’t do it, Edward. I couldn’t even do it for Thomas.’
‘Thank God,’ he said, wrapping his arm around her and gathering her close. ‘Thank God you said no, Bea, and that you came to see me instead. I truly wish you had come sooner.’
‘Me too,’ she nodded, sobbing now. ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t.’
‘It was my fault. All of it,’ he said, stroking her hair, her back. ‘I should never have taken liberties with you. I should never have left you after our night together.’
‘I told you, I didn’t regret it.’
He took her chin in his fingers and raised her face to his.
‘Neither did I.’ He held her close until her tears started to dry and she pulled away from him a little.
‘Thank you for telling me.’ He stared down into her eyes.
‘But Bea, why did you say you were leaving me last night? It hurt me—that you thought that would be the solution to any problems we might have. That you could just walk away from me and Thomas.’
‘I shouldn’t have said that,’ she said, violently shaking her head. ‘I didn’t want to leave you, Edward. I knew you would think I was abandoning you, yet in that moment, you were so cold, and all I could think about was the shame I had brought upon you and Thomas. Myself. I was afraid.’
‘I’m sorry for the way I behaved,’ he said. ‘I am furious with myself for being like that.’
‘I think I said it to push you away, before you could do the same to me.’
But when she had watched him walk through that door and had heard it slam, she had known she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t leave him. Not like everyone else in his life had done.
‘I thought I had lost you, Edward.’
‘You could never lose me. Do you know what I think?’ he said.
‘I think you’ve been scared. Scared you’re not enough.
Scared I will leave you, like your father left your mother.
I know how you feel, because I have felt that my entire life.
’ He tugged her a little closer. ‘But when are you going to realise you are enough, Bea? That you are everything to me. You are selfless and brave and beautiful. More courageous than anyone I have ever met. I like the way you see the world. How you challenge others’ assumptions.
I love the kind of mother you are to Thomas and the wife you are to me.
I will never abandon you. I have just spent one night seeing what life would be like without you in it, Bea, and that is not what I want.
I married you till death us do part, and I promise, not even the worst scandal will separate us. ’
She couldn’t believe it. It sounded as if he still wanted her, in spite of everything.
He drew in a ragged breath. ‘Last night my worst fears came true. After my mother was sent away, I think I began to associate caring for anyone with loss. That fear only deepened when my brother died. I am afraid anyone I grow close to will eventually leave. Then you said the words I’d always dreaded to hear. Why…why didn’t you leave?’
‘Because I knew I would be miserable without you. Without Thomas. After you walked out of here, I decided I would wait until morning, until we had both calmed down, and then I would drum up my courage and come and speak to you, confront my insecurities. I had determined to fight for you, for what I wanted, for the things I hold most dear.’
Because didn’t she deserve that? After everything she had been through.
She was not a bad person just because she had been through some hardships—Edward had helped her to believe that.
And neither was her mother. Bea had come to believe she was just as good as anyone else in the ton, so why shouldn’t she get to be happy?
‘Are you trying to tell me you care about me?’ he asked.
Her lips twisted. ‘Yes.’
‘Good. Because our son needs his mother and I need my wife. You are the family I always wanted, Bea.’ He leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her cheek.
‘I thought I had showed you with my actions how I felt about you. But I am aware I never told you with my words. I should have done. A long time before now.’
Her heart stopped and then started again, at a quickening pace.
‘There is nothing convenient about this union anymore. There has never been. I have been infatuated with you from the moment I laid eyes on you out in the road. You saved me that night, pushing me to follow my dreams. And when you walked back into my life, you saved me again, when you made me a father, when you agreed to be my wife. I wanted you in my life from the outset, but I had thought I would have to change you in order for us to be together. I am so sorry for that now. For ever making you think that too.’
He leaned down to place kisses along her collarbone and she shivered.
‘You were trying to help, doing what you thought was best,’ she said. ‘And I hoped if I changed enough, you would see how good we are together.’
‘But I realised almost immediately after you arrived here, I never wanted you to change. It was me who needed to stop being so concerned by what others think. You, Bea, you are perfect as you are. I know I asked you to put on a beautiful gown and for you to learn ballroom etiquette. And I know you think I fell in love with you when you dressed and behaved as a duchess, like when Cendrillon went to the ball. But I fell in love with you a long time before that. I fell for you the moment I first met you. I love you for who you are. I love that I can be my true self around you. When you came back into my life I just knew I could not let you go again. I had never forgotten you or gotten over you. My father was right. Just like I followed my heart in buying the mill, I followed my heart when I married you. I am sorry it took me so long to tell you.’
‘I am glad you got round to it eventually,’ she teased.
‘You know it has taken loving you to also love myself,’ he said. ‘To accept myself, free of judgement from the ton.’
‘It has taken me loving you, to respect myself too, to shake off my shame and insecurities about my mother and the things she did, and I was thinking, if you like me for who I am, maybe, eventually, Society will too?’
‘I have never doubted it.’
She bit her lip. ‘How will we be treated now, after last night?’
‘We will no doubt face outright scorn. We might not receive any invitations for a while—I imagine we will be struck from every guest list in the ton…’
‘I’m so sorry, Edward.’
‘…but I don’t care for the ton’s opinion—not anymore. Only my own. Yours. Our family is all that is important to me. We have weathered a scandal before. We will ride this one out too. We will do it together. I have a good idea how we can spend our nights if we shall not be going out…’
She smiled.
‘We will need to make sure Lord Wintour is silenced—that he never speaks of you like that again. If he does, I shall challenge him to a duel.’
She gasped. ‘You would do that for me?’
‘Of course.’
‘I would not want you getting hurt.’
‘I am sure it would not come to that. Lord Wintour certainly will not want his wife hearing about how he spends his evenings. Where his coin goes…’ He squeezed her hand. ‘Bea, my father died last night.’
She reeled. ‘Oh, Edward.’ Her hand came up to her mouth.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.
’ She felt wretched. And sad. So desperately sad for him.
And for Thomas, who would now grow up without a grandfather.
She wrapped her arms around him and held him, before his arms came around her too and they both held on tight.
‘Did you get to speak to him, about your mother, about everything that happened between you, before he passed?’
‘Yes, thanks to you. I spoke to him. It made me feel much better about everything. He apologised for prioritising respectability—legacy—over love. Over my mother. I promise you I will not do the same. I want to prioritise you, Bea.’
She pulled away from him, to stare up into his eyes.
‘Edward, I know you think you are to blame for not helping your mother, but you aren’t.’
He nodded. ‘My father said as much, and while I may not fully understand the reasons behind why he did it, or what happened to her, I am trying to stop blaming myself. I don’t think she ever regretted having me—seeing you and Thomas together has made me realise that.
In fact, having you to talk to about it has helped so much, Bea.
I’m no longer isolated in my grief over it.
’ He tugged her closer. ‘I have been a fool not to tell you sooner. But I promise I will keep telling you how I feel about you every day, for the rest of our lives from now on. There has been a lot of pain in our pasts. We’ve both done things we’re not proud of. But I love you. Everything about you.’
‘I love you too, Edward.’
He drew her towards him and pressed his lips against hers, kissing her slowly, his tongue caressing hers tenderly, and then it deepened, as he claimed her mouth, letting her know she was his, and he was hers. That this was what he wanted, for ever.