Chapter 29 #2
So I forge ahead on this path. “I told you I don’t want it in. And you keep tellin’ me how it needs to be in there. I have to wonder if that’s what he wants.” She knows I’m talking about her boss, who happens to also be her ex-boyfriend.
Quinn looks like I slapped her, or worse, she looks like I broke her heart.
“Are you seriously saying this right now?” Her voice is so thin and hoarse, I can’t fucking take it. She doesn’t deserve this, but I don’t want the world to see all the ways in which I failed the women in my life.
I don’t reply. We stare at each other, one of the twinkle lights flickering, her laptop quietly turning dark, going into sleep mode. A bug hits the screen with a thunk. My heart races. Why am I being this way?
“Going out with some guy while you’re at Mabel’s… You’ve been taking care of yourself pretty good since you got here, and if adding this scene in The Comeback Rider is any different, well, then, set me straight.”
She steps into my space, pressing her finger between my pecs. Her eyes are watery again, and I don’t like that, and I hate even more that I’m the cause of it.
“I never went out with anyone else since being in Sable Sky, Landry. I was out on the porch that night and Mabel said ‘out’ to get you riled up to see if you had a crush on me, too. Ask her yourself since you apparently have called my entire character into question,” she says, chin wobbling.
“And that is so low.” She prods my chest again.
“You think I’m, what? Some filmmaking hussy who came here to use you to make a good movie? If anyone is a user, it’s you.”
She holds her hand up, wiggling her ring finger. I refuse to look, because the longer this fight drags on, the worse I feel.
“Who married who as a favor? Oh, that’s right,” she hisses, “I married you. As a favor. If you remember correctly, I was happy at Mabel’s inn with her devil chicken!
I was fine there! I was happy to come here and listen to you grouse at me and treat me like a nuisance for months, because no matter who you were or how you treated me, I came here to make an excellent film about you and your comeback! ”
She snatches her laptop off the porch swing, holding it to her chest as she comes back for one last point, poking me again.
“I sat before a judge yesterday for the two of you. Do you think I came here for that? Hmm? Do you think when I was crying over being cheated on in the city that I thought, Gee, I know what’s gonna make me feel better, how about I go to hot-as-the-Devil’s-ass Texas, and fall for a grouchy prick who calls my motives into question, and fall for his daughter so much so that I become an integral part of her custody hearing all so her father can annul his marriage to me and never think of me again once I’m gone?
Yeah, do that, Quinn, that’s what’s best for you!
” She takes her hand back. “No, I didn’t.
But you did. You most certainly did.” She storms inside and up the stairs.
I stand there a moment, a little shocked at how those last five minutes changed everything. I turn off her lights and put the blanket back in the swing, and lock the porch door, then the back door, too.
Upstairs, I get in the shower then go to bed, desperate for sleep, for a new day, for a new perspective. But I can’t find rest and I sure as hell can’t sleep.
All I do is toss and turn, and replay it all in my mind, pulling apart every word, every expression, trying to decide where it all went wrong.
Is this all really about that clip of me and Sadie?
I think back to the clip, and my chest aches that we even went through that.
That I had to sit in front of my friends and family and people I’ve known my whole life, like I do drugs or was incarcerated, and prove I’m a good father.
I hated it, but what I hate more than doing it is what it makes me feel.
Scared.
And seeing that clip, I felt that fear all over again.
The fear I’ll carry with me forever.
What if I lose her?
I know loss.
I know it well.
If I lose Sadie… and there goes my heart, racing behind my ribs as sickness swells in my throat.
I didn’t like seeing the clip because it reminded me that I can lose it all.
I’m not even talking about the rodeo and what happens if hell freezes over and I don’t win.
It’s more of a general fear that lives dormant inside me, stagnant and infectious, that stirs up and rears its head when I dare to live.
Nearly losing Sadie has reignited my fear of loss, and I just took all of that out on Quinn earlier. Every last bit.
I accused her of being a bad person, and when that comes back to me, I jolt up in bed and swing my legs out, to hell with a shirt. I make my way down the hall, and lightly knock on her door. No answer.
The light under the door is on, so I tap again, but still, nothing. Down the hall, Sadie’s door cracks, and Quinn’s green, sleepy eyes peer out. “What?” she whispers.
“I wanna talk to you,” I whisper back.
She shakes her head.
“Please,” I beg, because I’d do anything for her, I’m seeing that now.
She only shakes her head, and I don’t blame her. She’s got every right to be cross with me.
“Quinn, please, I need to talk to you,” I try, and this time, Sadie saves me. From inside her room, her sleepy little voice punishes us both.
“Go on out there, please, I’m tryin’ to sleep!” she grumbles, and a moment later, her sound machine comes back on. Quinn steps out and pulls the door closed behind her.
She’s wearing pink-and-black striped pajamas, satin, and her hair is braided, draped over her shoulder. She rubs one eye. “Well?”
I nod, hoping she follows me as I tread down the stairs and into the kitchen. She yawns and rubs her eyes again, arms wrapped around herself. I want to hug her, warm her up with my body, drape a blanket on her shoulders and carry her up to my room. But I didn’t earn that with my behavior earlier.
“I tried your room first.” Heat rushes to my face.
She remains expressionless. “I didn’t want to be alone, so I slept with Sadie. She’s always asking me, so I thought tonight was the perfect night. And being next to her kept me from sobbing my eyes out.”
“Quinn,” I start, my head falling between my shoulders as I grip the edge of the counter. “I’m sorry about earlier. Everything I said was just… cruel and untrue.”
I hate the way she’s holding herself. But I caused this demeanor shift, so it’s mine to fix, too.
“You were right. I have been slow to share and slow to open up, and I didn’t really even mean to be that way.
After Amelia passed, I was really scared of losing anyone I loved.
If anyone even coughed, my anxiety piqued.
It was… irrational, and exhausting,” I admit.
“But as time went on, I got better. My senses came back to me. I was more rational and all that. And I didn’t feel this way at the courthouse, but watching that footage, I felt that anxiety, that fear come back to me.
Seeing that clip, I don’t know, it made me scared to lose Sadie the way I lost Amelia.
” I shake my head, feeling guilty for everything.
“I shouldn’t have roped you into my mess, I shouldn’t have included you in anything because it was selfish, and wrong of me.
And… I’m so sorry, Quinn. I just want you to know that tonight all came from my fear—my fear of loss, my fear of…
fuck, I guess just love. But I didn’t mean those things.
” I manage to look up and find her watching me.
“You saved my ass, and you’re incredible, and I’m lucky to know you and have you in my life. And thank you.”
She stares at me for what feels like forever, but finally, her lips part, and my stomach somersaults. “You aren’t gonna lose Sadie like you lost Amelia, Landry. She’s not sick. She’s okay.”
I shake my head. “I know that. I know. But losing custody of her, it feels the same way to me. It really does.”
She doesn’t hesitate to reply. “You won’t lose custody.”
I hold her gaze, and admit my second to last fear. “If I don’t win, I can’t save this ranch. And I will lose her, no matter how good of a show we put on. Everything I put you through will be for nothin’ and I’ll hate myself even more than I do now.”
“Landry,” she says, her disposition immediately shifting to accommodate me and my admission, even though she’s got every right to still be pissed at me.
“Don’t feel bad for me, please. I’m just… trying to communicate how I feel.” I shift weight on my feet, nervous, a halo of heat around my collar. “Trying to bring down the wall between us. Like you said.”
A small smile tugs at her lips. “Thank you for apologizing.”
“I freaked out,” I admit, no ego left inside me if it means saving what I built with this woman. “And yesterday, you were just so incredible. Everything you said about your relationship with Sadie, and all the things you said about me. Quinn, thank you. Thank you so much.”
She sinks into my open arms, and we embrace, our hearts racing. I stroke my hand up and down her back, her small body trembling against mine. “Let me make it up to you, please,” I beg quietly, still feeling so awful for everything that just transpired.
Quinn steps back, batting stray hairs away from her face.
She shakes her head. “You’ve been under the most intense stress for so long and I pushed you.
I pushed you when I told you before that I wouldn’t put in anything you didn’t want.
I should have listened,” she says, looking at her hands when she adds, “I won’t put that clip in. ”
“Thank you.” I reach for her hand and waffle our fingers together. “Come back to my room, please.”
“We have to stop by Sadie’s room so I can sneak Daisy Two into my spot.” She shrugs. “We were cuddling and I don’t want her to wake up all alone.”
I stay outside, in the hall, and watch Quinn move around Sadie’s room, tucking her favorite horse under her little arms, pulling the blanket up just right, adjusting the sound machine, everything.
When we’re in my room, I do the same for her, placing her in my bed, adjusting her pillows, making sure she’s comfortable. She repositions slightly when I join her, opting for my chest instead of a pillow, and we fall easily into a lazy state.
“I wanted to come up here and command you to give me dick as a true apology,” she teases through a yawn, which makes me snort. “But my word, I am exhausted, and your bed,” she yawns again, twisting to peer up at me. “Way better than the bed in the guest room.”
I stroke my fingers through her hair. “My dick isn’t going anywhere. Get some sleep. You deserve it.” She deserves so much more, and I’m trying to figure out how to make it all happen.