34. Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Four
I’ll let you sit with that
Blaine
T he pills are on the counter in front of me. I’ve rearranged them six times. Looking in the bathroom mirror at myself; five o’clock shadow, dark smudges under my eyes from lack of sleep the last three days, and my wavy hair sticking up to the side of my head. I look like I fucking feel.
Like a trainwreck, like a dumpster on fire…like an addict wanting to fall into a hole.
I couldn’t take another second of listening to Kim go on about her dull-as-fucking-ditch-water trip to Las Vegas. With the kids visiting their great grandparents in Hutton’s addition, Caleb praying for all of us with his church buddies, and…fuck. I hate this.
We’re falling apart.
I’m coming completely unglued.
If Matt betrayed us to cover for his precious fucking FBI, there’s no coming back from that…
I want to know Weston is safe, which if Matt did this to make it look a certain way, I know Wes would be. But the alternative fucking destroys me.
I would give anything to rewind time…go back four days and insist Eden and the kids go to a safe house like Hutton wanted. Now, we’re forced to pretend life could go on in any healthy way if Weston is gone forever.
I pick up a yellow pill, rolling it between my fingers before putting it back to smash along with the rest of the pills using the side of my fist. A roar of anguish comes from me as I look down at the dust on the counter.
All the pain, hurt, and fear stab at me until I squat down and snort up some of the dust, running a finger through it to put it in my mouth. The bitter tang gags me.
What the fuck have I done? My regret is instant. What the fuck?! Angrily, I wipe the rest into the sink and rinse it. Then sink to the floor, sobbing.
I have no idea how much I’ve ingested as the effects start to soften the edges of reality. God only knows how long I lay crying on the floor until my vision swims, my limbs feeling numb.
Until I’m nothing and nowhere.
“Blaine? Blaine!” I feel a pat to my cheek, and I fight to open my heavy eyelids. Leave me the fuck alone. Let me drift away. Just vaporize.
Voices fade in and out. “Turn him to his side…Blaine?!...Damn dude, what’d you take…Blaine?!...Open your eyes, dude…turn him…hey….”
“Daddy B, I ‘member that poem. Wanna hear it? There was an Old Man with a beard, who said, ‘It is just as I feared…’” Weston’s chipper little voice…I want my son back. I need my son back.
“Do we call 911? Wake up, man…” More pats, and I feel like my tongue is adhered to the roof of my mouth. “Hold on…just hold on…”
A sudden sharp pain penetrates my entire chest, my eyes opening to Kim on top of me giving me a sternum rub. My mouth flies open. “Gaaaaaa...fuuuucck. Stop…stop.” Chris is on his knees next to me, disappointment all over his face.
“What did you do, Blaine? What did you do?” Chris asks, wiping a hand across his forehead. “You were barely breathing.”
They should’ve let me go…
I’ve fucked up miserably this time.
Caleb runs into the crowded bathroom, his face red. He drops to his knees gathering me up in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
What the fuck is he apologizing for? My arms don’t cooperate when I try to push him off me, and my tongue feels immobilized. Chris’s mouth is moving, his words swimming in and out of my ears. “...struggling…pills…on the floor…with Wes…pills”
Caleb is nodding at him while talking, still holding me like I’m too fragile to let go of. I fucking hate myself right now.
Wes…Weston. I just need my baby boy.
“I stopped paying attention. I didn’t…I didn’t see this coming,” Caleb says gripping me tighter. “I’ve been an awful friend.”