Chapter 12
Carter
I blinked at him, unsure of why he felt the need to apologize. In my estimation, it was me who should be doing that. I’d been the one to trigger him and make him uncomfortable.
“You never need to apologize for something like that, and certainly not to me. I should be the one apologizing. And I do.” I shifted to face him more fully. “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable and for reminding you of a difficult time.”
Hawk frowned, his brows crunching together. “You didn’t know.”
“I didn’t,” I agreed. “But that doesn’t make the infraction any less impactful.”
The hint of his usual smirk ghosted his lips. “There a reason you’ve suddenly gotten so formal?”
I had to chuckle, not realizing I had been, until I played my words back in my brain. “Default I guess. But I meant what I said.”
He nodded. “Okay, then. We’re both sorry. And now you know.”
“I do.”
I stared at him, glad to see some of the tension had left him.
And damn he was still so pre—I cut the word off even in my brain.
I had to readjust my thinking immediately, or else I’d slip up again.
And the last thing I wanted to do was to accidentally trigger him again.
Whatever had happened was a trauma deep enough that it was still a wound on his soul.
I couldn’t fix that, but I could make sure I didn’t poke it.
I wanted to keep this newfound camaraderie and conversation between us.
With this new information, it was easy enough to see where he’d been coming from.
He’d made judgements about me without knowing me.
I could understand that even if I thought it was a shitty thing to do.
It was something I prided myself on never resorting to, but I still understood it.
It was human nature, especially when bad experiences were involved.
“I think we need to…wait never mind.”
Hawk tilted his head. “What?”
I shook my head as my mouth quirked up. “I was going to say I think we need to start over. But we already did that once and it didn’t seem to work.”
Now Hawk gave me his full-blown smirk. I had to wonder if that was the extent of his smile. If it was, it was a shame. I bet he positively lit up if he allowed himself a real smile.
“Instead, maybe we should just have the full conversation and air everything out. Lay our cards on the table, so to speak.”
Hawk thought about that for a few seconds. I watched it play out in his eyes, because his expression was once again neutral. I filed that information away. I would need to pay attention to his captivating eyes instead of his face, if I really wanted to know what was going on with him.
“Sounds good.”
I waited a beat to see if he would say anything else, but he didn’t. So I knew it was up to me. I cleared my throat.
“It’s clear you’ve made assumptions about me, based on previous experiences. Fair assessment?”
“Yes,” Hawk said, sort of grudgingly. I didn’t let the smile curve my lips, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate it.
“I get it. I do. But the thing about me is I don’t know what I don’t know, right?
And if I think I know something, I’ll go with that until I learn otherwise.
I can learn, you know.” I paused and gave him a wink, which had him averting his gaze.
I pushed on. “All that I ask is you give me the benefit of the doubt here. I know you’re the expert.
I trust that. So please. The only assumption you should make is that I’m misinformed and explain things. Okay?”
He exhaled heavily. “I can do that.”
“Good. And look, I know I’m not blameless in all this.
I’ve definitely let my anger get the better of me sometimes.
So I’ll work hard not to do that either.
” I didn’t add that it was possible I’d pushed just to rile him up.
Because I shouldn’t find him hot when he was pissed off, but I did.
It was the passion he exuded. I was a sucker for it every time. And the way his voice got even deeper.
“I’d appreciate that, thanks.”
Apparently, his voice lowered when he was showing gratitude too. Fuck. Basically, his voice was going to be my undoing, I just knew it. Which led me to the other thing we had to get out in the open.
“Should we address the other elephant in the room?” And if my tone held a hint of teasing, it couldn’t be helped. Because I knew it would make him squirm, and I wasn’t wrong. He shifted in his seat, kept his gaze on the far wall, and didn’t speak for several heavy seconds.
“That’s a really weird phrase, when you think about it,” he grumbled.
Since he wasn’t looking at me, I allowed myself a smile. But I noticed the way his eyes shifted, clocking me out of his peripheral. I eased back into the couch, spreading out a little, just to see how he would react. He went tense, which was a surprise, so I immediately changed tactics.
“I’m just going to say it. I’m attracted to you. I think you’re sexy as sin. I think it’s reciprocated, at least a little?” I was watching him so I saw his short nod. “But I think maybe, logically, it’s not a good idea.”
He glanced at me quickly, there and gone again. But in that split second, I saw the wide eyes of surprise. I waited a moment, then two, giving him the opportunity to weigh in. But he didn’t.
“Don’t get me wrong,” I said softly. “I’d love to have you under me and see what’s between us. But we have a working relationship. And really, if we’re being practical, I’m too old for you.”
That had him snapping his gaze to me, and for once, his expression was emotive. He was shocked by that, but I wasn’t sure why. Feeling like I’d done most of the talking, I waited, determined not to say anything else until he added to the conversation.
He squinted at me. “Interesting phrasing. That you’re too old for me and not that I’m too young for you. ”
I chuckled. “Hawk, you are clearly not young, no matter your age. But I must be closer to your parents’ age than yours.”
A beat, and then he asked, “How old are you exactly?”
“Forty-five.”
Hawk surprised me by laughing. It was a short bark of sound, but the corners of his lips lifted, and he shook his head. After a second or two, he explained. “You have no idea how right you are. They both turn fifty early next year.”
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. Five years? Five fucking years! That was all that separated me from his parents?
“Five…” I couldn’t say it out loud. “Fuck.”
This time, Hawk’s laugh was more real, and for just a moment, it distracted me from my internal freak out. Some of the tension left his body, and he lifted his coffee to his lips, taking a sip as he studied me over the rim. After he swallowed, he shrugged. “They started young. Like way too young.”
“I guess so,” I grumbled. I knew they had a whole passel of children, and Hawk was somewhere in the middle of the pack.
Or was he actually in the younger half? I couldn’t remember and frankly, it didn’t matter.
I steeled myself. “Right. So clearly, I’m too old for you.
Which means it’s best if we’re just friends. Don’t you think?”
It almost hurt to say the words, because honestly, I wasn’t opposed to hooking up with younger men.
But Hawk wasn’t a quick tumble sort of guy.
Not in the least because we’d have to see each other for the next however long it would take to train Ramona.
But more than that, I’d made this corner of Colorado my new home, and while the two neighboring towns were at least big enough that we could probably avoid each other, they were quintessential small towns and it was more likely than not that we would run into each other.
Even if we tried to avoid it. Neither of us needed that.
Hawk’s expression shuttered again, and I fucking hated that, but he was entitled to process his emotions any way he wanted. I finished my coffee and set the mug down, waiting for him to respond. Eventually, he did.
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right about that.”
Relief warred with disappointment, and I did my best to keep that off my face. Hawk didn’t need to be burdened with my emotional state. Not about this. I pushed to my feet.
“Come on.” I turned toward the left and took three steps before I realized Hawk hadn’t stood up. I glanced over my shoulder. “Please.”
That made him move and I led the way down a short hallway and through to the three-season room, which took up one side of the entire house.
It was a large, spacious room that had windows on three sides, almost floor to ceiling, and had a spectacular view of the property, which sloped gently.
Unlike my sparsely furnished living room, this space was fully furnished with handmade sturdy wooden couches and chairs.
I found a local artisan on one of my forays through town and paid for the full set.
The cushions were thick, soft, and very comfortable. I’d loved it the second I saw it.
I’d installed a drinks fridge and a small bar in the corner as well, because while I didn’t have many friends yet in this town, I intended to make them. And this is where I planned on entertaining.
“Whoa,” Hawk muttered.
“Yeah. The view is pretty great, huh? And hey look, real furniture!” I waggled my eyebrows and Hawk smirked. I gestured to one of the couches. “Really comfortable too. Since we’re friends now, this is the ‘friend space.’ Have a seat.”
Hawk gave me a look as though he thought I was being strange.
And maybe I was. But I had to do something to shove him into that box in my head, and on short notice, this was the best I could come up with.
No more thinking he was gorgeous and imagining him being vocal in bed, that deep gravelly voice singing along my… . Nope. Friends. We were friends.