Chapter 13
Hawk
A s I drove home from Carter’s place, I felt a dozen things at once. That wasn’t the norm for me. I wasn’t the kind of person who questioned myself or my decisions on a daily basis. I knew what I knew, and if I needed more information to make a better decision, I’d go find it or ask someone.
There were a few more certain things now. Carter had told me his story. From the point of view of someone who had been raised in a big, loving family, his upbringing was tragic. I hated that he’d had to go through all of that.
The fact that money hadn’t bought his family happiness was obvious.
Meanwhile mine… well, we might’ve been comfortable now, to a point, but it hadn’t been like that always.
Mom and Dad were open about the penny pinching they’d done to sometimes keep all of us fed and clothed while also being responsible with the ranch, the animals, and the people they employed.
Gigi Fern’s money had only gotten them so far, and after that they’d worked their asses off to sustain their dream.
Carter’s life had been so different, yet somehow, he’d grown up to a good man.
Someone who was clearly kind and considerate.
The fact that my idea of putting him in contact with Keegan had led to him insisting he’d pay Kee for his labor when my brother would’ve done it for free just for the chance to get to do something like that spoke volumes of what kind of a man Carter was.
Sure, Carter had millions. Which seemed ridiculous to even think. In some ways he was the kind of person everyone thought they’d be if they suddenly had a lot of money. He was generous, while never hesitating to buy something he truly wanted for himself.
He’d also never pushed for more details about Richard. I appreciated that. The whole story wasn’t something I’d tell a casual friend. Which was what we now were. I sighed as I turned into the ranch’s driveway. It was for the best, of course. Like he’d said, we had a working relationship.
We’d agreed to being just friends, despite the fact that we were clearly drawn to each other and had chemistry.
The words he’d said about me…. They weren’t new. I’d heard them before. But when Carter said them, I believed them.
He’d used the words “I’d love to have you under me,” and now I had to live with that mental image without being able to do anything about it.
I grunted and drove the rest of the way to my barn. It was one of those nights I didn’t want to spend at the house, and my couch in my office called my name.
Thomas O’Malley made his appearance as I was doing one last check on the horses who were inside in their stalls, munching hay or already halfway to sleep.
He followed me up the stairs and I gave him the good food again. As I settled on the couch, he joined me as usual.
I fell asleep to his purring and images of things I needed to forget in the name of friendship.
A couple of days later at lunch, Mom asked me to take some paperwork to Crew’s office while I was heading that way.
I took the stack, kissed her cheek, and drove the ATV over.
Crew had had a picnic lunch somewhere on the property with Mal, and I wasn’t sure if he’d be back yet.
I approached his office carefully in case the lovebirds were inside making out—it wouldn’t be the first time—but I found my brother typing away at his computer.
“Hey, Mom sent these,” I said in lieu of a greeting.
Crew smiled. “Thanks.” He took the papers and added them to a pile on his desk.
“You look too relaxed,” I accused, knowing full well it would make him blush a little.
He did, then rolled his eyes. “It was a good picnic.”
“I’ll say.” I grinned.
He chuckled and then seemed to remember something. “Did you know Carter was here yesterday?”
I frowned. “What? Here here?”
“Yeah. He’d been visiting Ramona and you weren’t there, so he decided to come see the foals. He got to talking with Russ, and next thing I know, Carter is cleaning the stalls with Russ.”
My jaw dropped. “What?”
“That’s what I said.” My brother shrugged and added, “He said he might be back today. Apparently, he liked the manual labor.”
“What a weirdo,” I deadpanned, and both of us laughed.
“He’s not how I expected him to be,” Crew mused.
Sighing, I nodded. “No, he’s not. I….” I looked away from him and wondered how much to tell him. “We’ve agreed to be just friends,” I blurted out.
Crew’s brow scrunched. “There was a potential for more than that?”
“Yes. Well, there is. But it’s a working relationship and….”
Crew’s big brotherly spidey sense started to tingle. “And what?”
“I had an experience with someone much like him, on a surface level I mean, when I was younger—”
“When you were younger? How young are we talking?” Crew’s posture changed.
As if summoned, my other sometimes overprotective big brother walked in.
“What are we talking about?” Bodhi asked, registering the tension in the small office.
“How someone took advantage of Hawk when he was younger .” I could hear the quotation marks in Crew’s tone.
“Someone did what ?” Bodhi whirled to look at me.
I groaned and rubbed my face with both palms. “It was fucking consensual. Or, consensual fucking if you will.” They brought out the bratty baby brother in me for sure.
“How. Young?” Bodhi ground out.
“Nineteen. I was legal. Jesus Christ, guys.”
Bodhi relaxed just a little and went to lean on the wall where he could see both of us.
Before they could interrogate me further, I raised my hands, palms toward them. “Stop it. It’s bygones. There was a power imbalance, he was shitty to me, and I thought I was in love. What nineteen-year-old gay guy who likes older men hasn’t lived through something like that on some level or other?”
Bodhi made a face. “I wouldn’t know. Is that normal?”
“What? Gay boys falling for older men?” I deadpanned, because I knew that wasn’t what he meant at all.
“No, I meant—”
“I know what you meant.” I let out a long breath. “Most teenagers think they fall in love with someone and then get hurt, yes. Obviously not Mom and Dad, but yes, it’s a pretty damn universal experience.”
Bodhi frowned. “If you say so.” Then he looked at Crew. “Why were you talking about this now?”
“Because Hawk and Carter have ‘decided to be just friends.’” I didn’t need to see him to know he was grinning.
“What?”
“For a Marine, you’re a bit slow today.” I batted my lashes at Bodhi. “Carter reminds me of the guy who was shitty. I had prejudice. Turns out he isn’t like that at all, but we also have a working relationship, thus friends ,” I recapped.
“Leave him alone,” Russ grunted from the doorway. “Boy knows what he’s doing.”
By some miracle, even at thirty and thirty-three, my brothers still respected Russ as much as they did our parents.
“Anyway,” I said brightly. “I just came to bring you those papers.”
“Hawk, I have something to show you.” Russ nudged his head toward the barn.
“Well, this has been a talk,” I told my brothers, then smoothly exited the office while they frowned after me.
“Come.” Russ walked along the aisle and led me to the paddocks in the back. “I was thinking about the foals. You know Demi’s always looking for show stock, right?”
“You have a specific one in mind you want to show her?”
“Yeah, Crew and I talked about it already.”
“And now you want to figure out if I see what you two see, I get it.” I grinned as I approached the fence.
We slipped inside since the mares and foals had wandered off a bit. As we got closer, I rubbed my hands together and began to watch the babies.
“Now, which one of you wants to be a show pony?”
Russ chuckled and shook his head.
Carter did show up at my barn a couple of hours later. We had a friendly chat and he went to give Ramona and her friends some treats while I continued working.
The fact that he was comfortable enough to interact with the horses now was promising. He wouldn’t be going inside the paddock on his own anytime soon, but he now gave them treats and scratches through the fence like a champ.
He showed up the next day too, and the day after that. He started to help out wherever, and one day he even went with Dad and Payton to see the corvids they were feeding at the event barn. Well, he was likely more interested in the event barn business itself, but still.
It took my oldest brothers absolutely no time to spread the gossip of my “friendship” with Carter to the whole family.
I called Judson to ask him about his opinion on the location of the pool building and how that might affect the land, and even he asked me about Carter.
Luckily Bodhi and Crew hadn’t mentioned Richard to anyone, not that they knew his name. But they hadn’t told anyone about what’d happened, of which I was grateful. I didn’t need anyone else in the family on my back because of bygones.
By the time Carter had hung out for a week or so, helping pretty much everyone on the ranch, I decided to reward him by some time with Ramona. I’d texted him to come by the next day for some one on one time with his horse. His response? He’d be there with “pockets full of peppermints.”
When he appeared fifteen minutes before I’d asked him to, I was still in my office.
I heard his vehicle, then he exchanged a few words with Gemma in passing, and soon I heard his steps on the stairs.
“Morning!” He looked so damn happy and excited it made my breath catch.
“Morning. Give me two minutes and I’ll be done here.”
“That’s okay, I’m a bit early.” He sat on the couch, and started to pet Thomas O’Malley who was still snoozing.
“Eager much?” I snarked, making Carter chuckle.
Once I sent the final email, I looked at him. He was completely concentrated on his conversation with Thomas.
Being friends with Carter was easy in some ways and really fucking hard in others. As I watched the man he was now, I felt a yearning that I hadn’t felt in a long time, if ever.