Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
Zahra
He can’t be serious. I’m not going to marry him. It’s too soon. What the hell is wrong with this man? I don’t need a husband. Even if his cock is god tier and I actually enjoy his company. Sure, it hasn’t been long since we’ve met, but something about him just makes me want to stay here.
At the same time, I don’t know how I could do that. Leaving behind everything that I’ve known. Everything that I’ve built here. At the same time… Would anyone really care if I left the planet? Would they be better off without me?
My thoughts swirl into a spiral of self doubt.
The depression inside of me is nothing short of overwhelming words swirling inside my brain.
The world is nothing but a cesspool of human interaction that I haven’t cared for in so long.
Would it really matter if I left with this alien man and lived somewhere else?
No. I can’t do that. I need to get out of here. My brain is unwilling to stop the thoughts as they swirl around in the depressive episodic swirling that makes me willing to commit to unnatural things.
Depression is a controlling bitch.
I have struggled for so long and I’m just tired. I don’t want this spiral of shit that keeps me from living. Yet…. Here we are. Watching my life through a lens that reminds me of some horrible reality show that has no ending.
They say the world is your oyster, but I’m tired of being ground into the pearl inside of this place. I’ve had enough. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I shake my head against the thoughts as they stray to ending it all. To being left at the end of the frayed rope and hanging on by the threads that can break at a moment’s notice.
“I can’t marry you. I don’t know you.”
Even as I say the words, they seem rotten on my tongue. The last few hours have been amazing. I didn’t even drown in the alcohol like I sometimes will do after going home with some rando. No. I had woken up with energy and happiness.
Then he’d asked me to marry him. Like, who does that shit? I can’t marry him. He isn’t even human.
“Okay. But I think you can. You just need to say yes. Come home with me. If it doesn’t work out for you, then I promise I will bring you back here. Though, once you see the place, you may never want to leave.”
His words entice me even more than I can imagine. Getting off Earth… Living on a new planet… Trying new things… Being fucked by that god like alien… Why am I saying no?
I shake my head and take another bite of whatever the food is that I made. I can’t believe I’m even considering this. I lean my head in my hand with my elbow on the table. The other resting on my fork. At least there are forks on this distant planet.
I can’t even argue with myself anymore. I’m so torn between leaving all this shit behind and never leaving. We are born and raised to love America and the shit that comes with it, but why? Why is it important that we love this place when it clearly doesn’t give a shit about us?
“I have to go.”
I push away from the table and take my bowl to the sink. I need to meet with my friends before they send out a search party. I’ve never missed a morning yet and I won’t start now. I could use a shower and some clean clothes.
“What do you mean that you have to go? Where are you going?”
“I have to be somewhere.”
“Can I come? Will you come back? Will you at least think about my offer?”
I freeze in the doorway. What do I tell this alien man who has done nothing but treat me with respect and kindness? He wants me to just go against everything in me and accept his offer, but I can’t. I just can’t. Why? Well, fuck if I know, but I know that I can’t. I shake my head no.
“I don’t know how to answer any of those, but you can’t go with me.”
I leave the room to find my clothes and do my usual morning walk of shame to meet with my friends.
I feel better now that I’ve eaten. The alcohol is no longer heavy on my stomach.
Even if it was, I’d still get dressed and walk into the place like nothing happened.
Because it’s what I do. It’s what my friends expect of me.
They are just trying to make sure I didn’t off myself overnight or that someone else didn’t do the pleasure for me.
Too bad this alien didn’t eat me for breakfast. At least then I could escape the monotony of the usual after club meet ups.
I sit at the table while everyone else eats their food and I nurse my coffee with both hands wrapped around the warm cup. The hangover is hell this morning, but my mind only wants to stray back to last night and Drainok. What a hell of a name. He sounds like some kind of drain unclogging chemical.
“What has you smiling this morning, Zahra?” Louisa asks me from across the table.
“Nothing. Just something I thought about from last night.”
I didn’t even realize I was smiling. It’s been so long since everything has been care free.
My mind is doing well to avoid the pitch black void that happens to me on the daily.
Especially when I have to socialize with anyone, especially my friends.
Harder to hide the struggles with them because they know me too well.
“Oh! Hot guy from last night?” Rayne asks.
“What? No. Definitely nothing like that.”
The lie leaves my lips, but I know it sounds strained. Like, why is it I feel the need to hide this man from them? Nothing I did was out of the ordinary for me. So why does it feel like I should fill the world with useless lies about what happened and where I was?
“Then what happened to make you actually smile for once?” Lillian asks.
It feels like an accusation. The fact that I hardly smile.
So when the rare one happens, then it is suddenly a big deal, I guess.
I get it, but fuck, the third degree isn’t what I expected this morning.
They usually leave me alone and just eat in silence as we nurse a hangover from the night before.
“I went home with someone. It’s not what you think, but the sex was good at least.”
I hide my next smile behind my cup as I swallow down the hot contents in a bid to hide from saying more. What do I tell them? He’s an alien and wants me to marry him and move to his home planet? Yeah. I don’t think so. So I leave it at that and hope they do too.
“That’s it? The sex was good. That’s all the details we get?” Louisa almost looks like she wants to yell at me for more.
I shrug my shoulders.
“Nope. Spill woman. I haven’t seen you smile like that in so long. So details. Right MEOWWW!” Louisa leans forward with a hiss.
“It was good. He took me home and fucked me into his mattress. Best sex I’ve ever had. Mind blowing, actually.”
I give her something, hoping she won’t ask me any more.
“So, are you going to see him again?” Rayne asks before stuffing her mouth with eggs.
“Who knows? I doubt it, though. You know me… time to move on to the next victim.”
I try to play off the hurt that makes me feel.
Trying my best to keep it light and nothing more than a joke.
Their looks tell me otherwise and that it didn’t go over well.
They want me to find someone and date them.
To live a happy little life, but that isn’t me.
I don’t have happy endings, just sad beginnings.
“You can’t keep burying your feelings and hoping things end up on the plus for you,” Lillian tells me sadly.
“Oh, they definitely won’t, but I’ve come to terms with that many years ago. As soon as you all realize that, then the better off we will all be.” I reply flatly. “I need to go. I need a shower and some fresh clothes. I will see you all later.”
I make my escape as fast as I can from the building and their gazes of sympathy. It’s the same every single time. I don’t know why I felt like today would be any different. That it would be the one time that for once in this world that I wasn’t judged for who I am. I was wrong. Like always.
So fleeing was my last option, and that leads me to my place as quickly as possible. A shower. Some water and tylenol. Then maybe crashing in my bed for a few hours of sleep before getting up and getting some shit done before returning to endless work hours tomorrow.
It’s another fucked up day, in this fucked up life of mine, and the pattern continues. Go me.