Chapter Fifteen
Max woke with a gasp, flailing his arms as he struggled upright. At first, he didn't realize why he felt such blind panic. It was as if his brain was off-line and couldn't quite process memories. But once his eyes focused, he realized he was alone. That made him wake quickly.
The room was large, featuring amoeba shaped windows inset with stained-glass and a view of the rocky hills that they had driven through to get to this place through the clear glass parts of the design.
Max barely glanced at the view before he headed for the door.
He braced himself for it to be locked. If he had ever taken it into his head to drug and kidnap someone, he would have locked the door.
But maybe some of Rick's silliness was genetic because when Max jerked at it, the door opened so smoothly that Max nearly fell on his ass.
“I hope I am not the red shirt in this situation,” Max muttered to himself as he headed out into a hallway painted with brilliant jellyfish designs.
A few of the creatures were even done in three dimensions with stringlike tentacles curling around the edges of irregularly arched doors, their bodies reaching out of the wall toward him as he walked down the corridor.
Max opened every door he came to, checking each one for any sign of either his family or Einstein.
Technically, Einstein was his family, but Max had decided that he was disowning the evil old octopus.
Max knew that some of the younger airmen loved to read Internet stories about monster in-laws.
They would sometimes entertain each other with the worst of them and debate whether or not they thought the author was telling the truth.
Max had dismissed most of these stories as little more than fantasy.
He thought they were lonely people trying to get attention on the Internet by exaggerating how bad in-law relations could get. Max had changed his mind.
Apparently some people were, in fact, complete and total psychopaths.
Not in the killing everyone way, but in the treating everyone like a stepping stone to get what they wanted way.
And if the Hidden ones could be this crazy, Max was guessing that at least a few of those monster in-laws stories from Earth were probably true.
Maybe he shouldn't call Einstein “Einstein.” What was the name of that terrible mother-in-law on Bewitched?
The one that always hated that Samantha had married a mortal instead of a warlock?
She was always turning Darren into some creature or trying to get him killed.
Yep, if Max could remember the character's name, he would totally rename Einstein.
Hidden ones were hermaphroditic, so a girl name seemed as appropriate as a boy one.
But “Einstein” failed to capture how truly crazy he was.
Max had opened a dozen doors before he headed downstairs cursing the Hidden one love of all things asymmetrical because it extended to staircases.
Sorta staircases. They were sloped steps, as if some drunk architect couldn’t decide between stairs and ramps and decided to make something that was both.
He had to watch his step to avoid tumbling the full-length of the stairs down to the first floor because his brain expected that every stair tread would be the same height, and that was not the case. And nothing was level.
The first floor was decorated even more ostentatiously.
Instead of having murals painted on the walls, they appeared inset with burnished metals and rounded stones.
Rick might like his pretty murals, but he sure wouldn’t spend this kind of money on frickin’ walls.
After they sold the navigation program, they could have purchased some truly hideous furniture that would have fit right into this jewel box of a house.
Instead, Rick had purchased raw materials for the fabricators and upgraded ship systems and even purchased a huge library of informational texts that covered other planets.
But he hadn’t shown any interest in a gold-plated designer toilet seat, and that seemed to be the level of taste Einstein was functioning on.
Max heard his family before he saw them. When he slid a top hinged door open, voices echoed down a hallway painted like a starry night sky with galaxies glowing like diamonds spilled across the wall.
“You must return. I have avoided other eyes so they see me in you. They must see me in you!” Einstein was bellowing, and Max eased around the curve of the wall to look into what might be either a living room or an art gallery with sculptures hanging from the ceiling.
Einstein reached for Rick with a tentacle thick with pale, heavy ropes of scar tissue.
Kohei came spinning out of a corner, leaving his two younger brothers huddled near a painting of an alien whale. His momentum forced Einstein to retreat, and he trumpeted, “Do not be touching Rick father.”
“He has no right to name that is not Einstein,” Einstein trumpeted back. Then he spun around and slid toward Max. “Mentally-defective outsider good only for carrying eggs,” Einstein blasted. Max was almost sure the asshole had called him a pussy. Well two could play that game.
“Morally defective insider good only for excreting bodily waste product,” Max snapped back.
Rick blew bubbles of amusement and Einstein’s few remaining tentacles curled at the tips.
He had the same red markings as Rick, but he didn’t have the same tendency to go full-on curly fries.
Max stepped the rest of the way into the room.
If they were going to have a family fight, he was part of this family.
Rick pushed Kohei to the side and moved toward Einstein. “You are bad egg layer. You are abomination egg layer,” Rick bellowed, his tentacles stiff with anger.
“I am the Hidden one of greatest renown. I am He-who-built-the-defense. I am He-who-heard-others.” Max could hear the hyphenation and arrogance in his self-given titles, and Max was reminded of He-who-could-not-be-named.
The thought amused Max more than it should, especially given that Einstein had kidnapped them and locked them in his manor. Yep, bad associations with that.
Einstein continued. “I led the People who would have been blinded by outsiders who would steal each shadow. You are failed experiment.”
Max sucked in a startled breath. Sure he had problems with his parents, but they never would have said something like that.
“He is a wonderful father and mate and you are a narcissistic jackass who deserves to be forgotten,” Max countered
“I am Einstein. Even idiot egg-carrier calls me genius.”
Xander came flying out of the corner. “You have no understanding of sarcasm. We call name to say you are smart, not-smart, and more not-smart because you are thinking you have more smart than you possess!” Xander said. “Sarcasm!”
Rick curled a tentacle around Xander, pulling him close, and Max moved to his husband’s side. “Exactly,” Max said. “An Einstein thinks he’s smart while doing exceptionally stupid shit, so the name fits.”
Now Einstein’s tentacles curled. Rick must have sensed the weakness because he jumped in with, “Egg-layer is not worth air to form words. He is not finger-licking good. He is nose-curling disgusting, and I do not even have curling nose.”
Kohei slid between them, his largest eye swiveling from Einstein to Rick, back and forth like a tennis match someone had put on double speed.
“Can we focus on leaving?” Max asked. “I would like to go back to the ship. Dee is probably wondering where we are.” Depending on how long Max had been unconscious, she might be very worried. Max had no idea whether he’d been out for an hour or a whole day.
Einstein bellowed, but the translator failed to make any sense out of it.
Max turned to Rick, but he was retreating, his tentacles curling in misery. Max chased him, catching a waving tentacle and holding on tightly. Rick stopped retreating, his tentacle tip curling around Max’s wrist. “Together,” Max whispered, and some of the curl in Rick’s tentacles relaxed.
Rick stood a little taller and yelled at his father, “I am abomination hatched from abomination egg spawned by an abomination egg-layer.” The volume was enough to make Max wince, but he held on so Rick couldn’t flee. “But you chose abomination. You decided to be abomination. I never chose.”
James had shrunk down into a little ball and Xander was stiff with anger, but Kohei was the one who glided in tight circles, his tentacles twitching in ways that looked uncomfortable. Max dearly wished his children were not in the middle of this Jerry Springer moment.
“I chose to continue greatness needed by great Hidden one world,” Einstein argued.
“You chose educational videos of what you knew. You chose your own seed. You chose to direct where I swam.” Rick shared his parental trauma with every trumpet.
Max had become a connoisseur of belches and blasts, and this one sounded beyond upset.
Max’s heart ached for his partner. “But I chose to leave. I chose tangle partners for seed for my offspring. I chose a mate from Unbalanced ones with beautiful asymmetrical intestines. I chose non-abomination.”
Kohei grew taller and thinner as his tentacles stiffened with fury.
“Hidden ones require brilliance of Hidden one of greatest renown. Accident would steal my brilliance from my people and leave them vulnerable to universe of outsiders. I found solution. I always find solution.” Einstein was not backing down.
Something in what Einstein said triggered Rick’s anger; he surged forward, growing taller every second.
“Hidden ones will find other brilliant solutions. You are not only Hidden one. You are not only smart Hidden one. You are most with arrogance Hidden one. You are most with bad parenting Hidden one. I am not you. You did not find mate. You do not have children who choose to swim near you.”
“I created you to finish my work,” Einstein bellowed.
“I will cut off all my tentacles before I will do any work of yours.” The volume of Rick’s words made the windows rattle.
“Choice is not yours. You will finish important work for Hidden one people. Offspring of us will sign away future profits against keeping secrets. Hidden ones will be defended from outsiders.”
Max hated that he didn’t hear any spot for himself in this incredibly narcissistic plan of Einstein’s. Endora. That was the crazy mother-in-law. When they got back to the ship, Max was reprogramming the translation computer to use “Endora” as this asswipe’s official name.
“I will not. I will return to ship. I will fly to Earth for Dee. I will meet parents of kindness who raised Max husband.”
Einstein bugled out another untranslated... something... that made Rick flinch back. Kohei surged forward. “You will cause no harm.”
“I am owner of this house. I set rules.”
“Rick father is equal owner of house. Rick father is equal owner of everything because of equivalent genetics!” Kohei countered.
Max wondered if he should add his own “hell, yes” or if that would be throwing fuel on a fire already on the verge of exploding.
Max didn’t mind explosions in general, but not with his kids in the room.
“I am owner with locks of passcodes. I control exits!” Einstein countered, and that did seem like a significant concern.
“Let’s talk like sapient, intelligent creatures who all want to find a solution,” Max suggested. Talk of control and locks was making his blood pressure rise. He could protect his family from racism and financial abuse, but he couldn’t do anything about locks.
“Solution. Hidden ones require Great thinker. Great thinker must be infallible. Therefore I cannot be Great thinker.” He waved several tentacle stumps. “Offspring of Great thinker will be Great thinker.”
Max tried for reasonable. “Offspring of Great thinker is Rick, husband of an Unbalanced one, father to three annoying offspring, owner of a spaceship and friend of an Unbalanced one in that spaceship who will...” Max blew out a breath.
“Okay, I have no idea what she’ll do, but Rick is not a clone of you. ”
“Biologically–”
Max cut him off. “Morally, psychologically, educationally, and practically, he is not your clone. He is obsessed with American television commercials and reruns. He complains about the children wasting resources and then buys more because he loves them more than the money. He’s not you.”
Einstein slid toward Max. “He becomes Great thinker for Hidden ones or he will not have Unbalanced mate. He will not have annoying offspring.”
Rick’s tentacles all curled into tight balls, and Einstein’s remaining tentacles were stiff as a board. Now was not the time to argue. Emotions were too high and Max was afraid that Einstein might follow through on a threat.
“Rick, kids, maybe we can go upstairs and talk. Alone.”
“With crazy in-law,” Xander said. Maybe he meant to be heard and maybe he thought he was being subtle.
Either way, Einstein heard. He raised a tentacle and the overhead lights dimmed and pinpricks of flashing purple stars illuminated the wall.
Max had no idea what that meant, but he didn’t plan to wait around and find out.
“Xander, out. Now. James, Kohei, move it.” Maybe Rick tiptoed around telling the children what to do.
Maybe Max could even understand that now.
However, he was more of a hard-ass than his marshmallow octopus and his children knew it.
They all headed toward the hallway with reasonable speed, even James who grumbled incoherent noises and had to be ushered out by Kohei.
“Abomination,” Rick bugled at his father.
“Equal abomination,” Einstein bellowed back.
But then Rick moved to Max’s side and followed their children. “We are screwed,” Max muttered. He hoped Rick would disagree. He wanted some reassurance that those purple lights hadn’t been a threat and that Rick could circumvent the locks and that all would be well.
Instead, Rick said, “Double screwed with cherry on top.”