Chapter Nineteen
Max offered his best smile, but that didn’t seem to mollify the suspicious Hidden ones slowly spinning on their front driveway. “It’s a human custom,” Max said for the fourth time. “Dee can explain a honeymoon.”
“Unbalanced one Dee first raised alarm,” a guard said, his tentacles stiff with aggravation.
“We should have warned her we would take a honeymoon now,” Max admitted.
“That was our fault. We are sorry that our mating drama has caused you to go out of your way.” Max attempted a charming smile.
None of them seemed charmed. If anything, the tentacles were getting stiffer, and a few of the silent guards grumbled wordlessly.
Max glanced over to find Dee giving him a skeptical glare, which was fair.
Max was lying his ass off. At least he could lie.
Lies were to Rick what kryptonite was to Superman.
Unfortunately, Max wasn’t good enough to fool Dee, not that he wanted to.
He appreciated Dee’s suspicious mind far too much for that.
Einstein had secured all the doors and retooled any DNA-based locks, which were the norm on this planet.
However, he hadn’t considered that humans looked out for each other, and when one person disappeared without warning or contact, another might make increasingly panicked calls to the authorities demanding a wellness check.
“Schedules were disrupted,” a guard with red tinted tentacles protested. “Communications rejected. Exceptionally disruptive.” After those brusque words, the guard lurched forward.
Apparently that was where Rick lost his patience because he issued an enormous belch and curled his walking tentacle enough to be able to slam several of his longest arm tentacles on the floor.
“I compensate for disruption. You will leave and stop interfering with honeymoon. Unbalanced one ritual of mating. I will inflict misery equal to misery I endure. I will multiply misery. Quantum exponential growth of misery in this!”
Max backed away from the raw fury pouring from Rick, and so did the guards. Max might have a sweet and loving husband, but there was a temper in there. Rick charged straight at the now clumped guards forcing them to tumble out of his way.
“I assign compensation now. You leave shortly after now.” Rick didn't stop until he was at their car and pulling at the doors which refused to slide.
“Negotiate compensation,” the lead guard said before he moved to Rick’s side. The other guards retreated to the far side of the car. Smart octopus. Max loved his husband, but even he wouldn’t go near those flailing tentacles.
Max moved to the side and whispered loud enough for Dee to hear, “Thank you for the rescue.”
She studied him as though expecting to find some hidden injury. “Is everything all right now?”
“All right would be a stretch,” Max admitted, “but the situation has been downgraded from active engagement to family drama.” Max’s stomach flipped at the disrespect he was offering Einstein with that glib answer, but he didn't know how else to reassure Dee.
She had provided a timely rescue, but she would never understand the horror of what happened in the house.
Max couldn't wrap his mind around it. “I can’t talk about it,” he finished.
“I'm not looking for you to hang the laundry on the front porch,” Dee said, which made Max frown. He’d never heard the metaphor, but he also wouldn’t call talking to Dee putting his business on the front porch. She was a friend. “Promise me that everything is fine now.”
“Nothing is dangerous now,” Max said. “Other than the guards who seem to be fairly angry at being called out here.”
“Yeah, you’ve pissed them off,” she agreed. “And I have to ride back with them.”
“We've got lots of extra bedrooms. Stay here and we can give you a ride back to the ship when we're ready to go,” Max suggested. Rick and the head guard had stopped shouting and were now huddled over a computer display. Max assumed they were arguing about the exact fine Rick owed for the false alarm. Max worried about their finances for the half-second it took him to realize they must have access to Einstein’s accounts now.
He had, after all, wanted Rick to be able to take over his life.
“And how long might that take?” Dee asked. “I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, but I want to get back to my family.”
Max grimaced as he watched Rick take the car door and slam it shut before ripping it open and slamming it shut and ripping it open and slamming it shut.
Rick was not handling this well. The guards backed away warily, though, so hopefully his reputation for being a planetary hero would stop any charges for being.
.. batshit crazy. He slammed the door two more times. “It might be a few days,” Max said.
Dee watched the scene, her mouth hanging open. Then she glared at him.
“I’ll encourage him to leave soon.”
Dee blew out a long breath. “With your father-in-law drama, I thought he’d be anxious to leave.”
“Things are... complicated.” Max was grateful that the guards were still here because it saved him from having to say more.
“I get it. I have a sister-in-law that I share a deep loathing for. I’m fairly sure each of us thinks that the other is responsible for everything from awkward Christmas dinners to global warming.
Families are complicated and sometimes a tiny bit evil.
I know I can be a little evil after my fourth eggnog when her face makes me so angry I want to punch her.
” She looked to Rick as he launched a verbal tirade against the main guard.
A lack of neurons to connect the requisite number of eyes to the brain stem featured heavily, and the guards who weren’t being attacked were evenly divided into the ones spinning with delight at the show and those who had gone curly-fries in horror at watching their boss get verbally eviscerated.
Max shook his head. “It’s not like that. No one thinks Einstein is evil.” Not anymore, they didn’t anyway, not since they’d discovered the truth. Max felt a little guilty that he had ever described Einstein that way.
She frowned at him. “Remember that I have a family back home waiting for me and I would like to get to earth before my hair turns gray.”
Max nodded. “Stay here. The kids can show you some advanced tech, and I will work on getting Rick back on schedule.” He winced as Rick’s volume increased. The guards didn’t deserve this sort of scolding. Or terror. Rick was terrorizing the guards. Max braced himself to sail into battle.
He strode over to the car with as much confidence as he could muster.
Rick must have run out of insults because he was repeating the description of the guard’s lacking brain cells.
Max caught one of Rick's smaller tentacles, wrapping it around his arm before tightening his hold. “Let's go back inside,” Max suggested.
The guards were cheered by that suggestion.
“Negotiating repayment,” Rick protested despite the lack of numbers in the conversation.
“Name a fair price you would pay,” Max said. Rick tried to spin, but Max held his tentacle tightly enough to stop him.
With a huff, Rick named a price that seemed rather low.
However, the lead guard practically screamed “Accepted” before throwing himself into the car.
It was darkly funny how the rest of the guards all rushed to the far side of the vehicle, climbing over each other to get in without having to walk past Rick.
Max smiled, but then Rick shrank, his walking tentacle curling.
“I regret speaking with anger,” he said almost softly, or at least as soft as a Hidden one could speak.
“They deserved it,” Max said, pulling Rick away from the car before someone could “accidentally” drive over a few tentacles.
“They did not. My anger is for another,” Rick said softly.
Max opened his mouth to protest, but Rick wasn’t wrong. He pulled Rick toward the house and decided to pretend his husband hadn’t thrown a huge temper tantrum. “Dee will stay with us until we go back to the ship.”
Rick stopped so fast that he almost pulled Max off balance.
He rotated until his largest eye was focused on Dee.
“I drove away those who could return you to the ship.” His walking tentacle curled more.
This was the Rick that Max knew and loved, complete with a deep well of guilt for things that weren’t his fault.
“It would have been a miserable ride back to the city,” Dee said easily. “I don’t mind staying here if your father doesn’t mind.”
Max winced, and Rick’s walking tentacle curled all the way up.
“He killed himself,” Max said softly.
Dee’s mouth fell open. “Oh.” Her voice was barely a breath as she looked from Max to Rick and back again.
“I bet the kids can find you a bedroom,” Max said.
Dee shook her head like she was coming out of the water.
“Um, yeah. I’ll go find the kids,” she said, her voice distracted.
She turned toward the house, and the sun glinting off the front door shifted enough to suggest the door had moved.
Max wondered how many children had been there.
.. watching their father lose his ever-loving mind.
She walked up the path, and Max stood with Rick until Dee disappeared inside.
“I am a terrible Einstein, abusing others out of belief that I am more important than everyone else,” he trumpeted.
“No, you aren’t,” Max said firmly. “Einstein didn’t listen to other people over long periods of time. You lost your temper in the moment because you’ve had a shitty day.”
“No excrement was present.”
Max sighed. “You know that’s a human colloquialism. It means you had a horrible day.”
“Very, very, very horrible,” Rick agreed. “And I made the day for the guards very, very, very terrible.”
“You did,” Max agreed. He assumed the kids had already retreated into the house, so he pulled Rick toward the house. “But they came here angry and they were mean to Dee, so I am in favor of making their day very terrible.”