25. Chapter Twenty-Four #2
This unsettled feeling roiled my stomach to the point I thought I would puke at her feet.
I would be hard-pressed to fall much lower than I already was, practically sniveling and chasing after her like this.
Even worse, boots thudding across the drawbridge at my back meant there was now an audience for my shameless bumbling.
“We’ve been running halfway across the kingdom looking for you, woman!
” Beolf’s gruff voice carried through the biting wind.
He must have been close enough to eavesdrop on my discovery of Haron being Morrette.
“The least you could do is show a little bit of gratitude. We came all this way to find you. Prince Irin was worried sick that Gennel—”
“Spare me, Sir Rocks-For-Brains,” Morrette answered dryly.
If I wasn’t trying to keep what little composure I had left, I would laugh at her nickname for him.
It wasn’t nearly as charming as ‘little princeling.’ “I was not a frail, defenseless damsel that needed saving, and I have lived too many lifetimes as men and women to be put in one of your gender-bound boxes. If you cannot call me they or their, use my fucking title. I know it is too difficult a concept for someone of Respar to comprehend, but I am neither a man nor a woman by your standards.”
Beolf visibly gawked, clearly startled by the concept. He could do little more than sputter an apology under Morrette's narrowed glare. “Er, a-apologies, Princept Hilj. I meant no disrespect.”
I grimaced from second hand awkwardness just standing next to him. Morrette certainly had a way of cutting a man down at ten paces, something that carried over from her— their , I corrected in my head—time as Haron Val Toric.
“Also, you expect me to thank you for coming to help me? You’re lucky I don’t take five pounds off your shoulders at the neck for showing up here!” Morrette continued. "What kind of strategist are you, just barreling up onto a battlefield like that?"
“Well, I was hoping for the bare bones of a thanks, if you must ask,” Beolf grumbled. “Glad to see you still have all those jagged edges to scrape against.”
“Apologies for disappointing you yet again. I’m sure I will lose sleep over it.” Morrette rolled their eyes and turned to walk the rest of the way to the open gate to the Clifftombs’ inner courtyard.
I could feel my opportunity slipping away with every fall of their boot against the wood. “Wait, Princept! I need to… I want to form an alliance with you! By marriage!”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized they were the wrong ones to say.
Morrette froze mid-stride, shoulders tall and stiff, and only the long hair brushing their waist gave any indication they were not a statue carved from pale stone.
But there was something stirring beneath the smooth surface, a monster lurking just beneath the calm waters, and I was the little duckling paddling my way across, about to be eaten.
“Wouldn’t the resurrection of your kingdom be worth the alliance?
” I hated the desperation that strained my voice, but I kept going anyway.
"If we are bound by marital law, Respar's resources would be yours to help rebuild Julra.
And, we would be a united front against whatever could come out of the Hollows.
" My arms spread wide as if trying to embrace Morrette from a distance, even as their back faced me.
“Please… just take a moment, not tainted by the indignation of how other men treated you. This is me, Irin, asking you to rule our countries by my side.”
Morrette’s eyes narrowed into vicious slits over a cold shoulder.
It was so tempting to let my eyes drift lower to take in all of their fiery, raging glory.
Gods, they would be an amazing queen and partner.
Maybe even the mother to our children. Everything I wanted was right here, just within reach.
Slowly, almost menacingly, Morrette turned on a heel to face me down again.
The drawbridge may as well be the battlefield we just left behind, for how they seemed to face off against me now.
Legs set shoulder-width apart, fist balled tight at their side while the other gripped the tome even harder, and a fire burning so brightly in their eyes they practically glowed.
I braced myself for a through tongue-lashing, or maybe even the sharp edge of one of those swords. That's how pissed off they looked.
Finally, some other emotion beyond aggression broke through Morrette’s expression.
They scoffed in equal parts disgust and disbelief.
“I’m sure my value as good breeding stock is more appealing to you than that of a ruler on equal footing.
You forget I have been alive longer than your infant country, child .
I have seen everything Respar has to offer, and I would rather watch it burn to the ground than serve as any kind of figurehead. ”
“That is not true,” I spat and jabbed my finger at them.
“I may have had my preconceived notions from being raised as the ruler of it, but I threw those aside pretty quickly once I saw your side of the disparities.
Since then, I did not think you were lesser than just because of your gender, either as Haron or Princept Morrette!
I admire you for your contributions to the necromancer profession, and your wisdom, and your ability to hold your own in a battle even though you're reckless to a fault. The fact you cannot see that makes you just as blind by your own indignation as those narrow-minded men you compare me to! How is that fair? Am I not allowed to grow and change as a person?”
Morrette’s mouth opened as if to argue, but I kept on.
“Wouldn’t you rather stay and help me shape Respar?
You said it yourself, we are an infant country.
Julra had been a power unto its own for centuries before we ever built Respar, and I acknowledge our flaws.
Change cannot happen in a day, or a year, or maybe even my lifetime.
But…” The emotion clogging my throat was almost too painful to swallow.
I hated the tears burning my eyes as Morrette watched me so intently, their face blank and accepting all at once.
“You have shown me so much more than I could ever imagine learning as a ruler on my own. You have taught me that strength has nothing to do with gender, race or status, and everything to do with conviction and dedication to a goal. You showed me that being complacent is not the same as being neutral. And I don’t want that for our countries.
I want to rebuild what you lost in Julra.
I want to rebuild what this land lost from Julra.
“And gods damn it all, but I fucking love you in whatever form or body you take! Because nothing on the outside matters! You have carried that same soul for decades, and it has never dulled, or wavered, or given an inch of its morals for an easier life. That is what I love, and you cannot invalidate my feelings about it!”
By the end of my rant, my chest was heaving, my lungs struggling to get enough air even as I gulped it down.
My hands clenched so tightly at my sides they shook with the force and the nails cut painfully into my palms. I had to clench my jaw to keep from spewing any more of my pride out, although there was hardly any left to spill.
This had to be the worst fucking love confession I’ve ever given.
To be fair, this was the only love confession I've ever given.
Tears burned my eyes, and I bit the inside of my cheek until blood flooded it in an effort to keep them from falling.
The silence that followed my passionate monologue was deafening. Crushing. I was about two seconds from turning tail and running. The urge to find a place to dig a hole and hide in to nurse my wounded pride was almost greater than my sense of self-worth when Morrette finally spoke.
“Irin.”
Their voice was soft, but no less demanding than before. They waited for me to finally lift my head. Apparently this wasn’t a conversation I got to look at the drawbridge for.
“You are not in love with me,” Morrette began.
My mouth dropped right open in a counterargument, but they raised their hand palm-out to ward it off.
“You love the idea of me. You love the potential I represent as a royal and skilled practitioner. The person you knew me as, Haron? She is dead. That person is gone. She never even existed, really.”
My head shook before they even finished talking.
“That’s not true. I know my heart, Morrette.
Yes, you look and sound differently. But the same soul that I knew as Haron is still in there,” I jabbed my finger in their direction, “and that is what I love!
The fact you kept that spirit alive for so long and never gave up or lost sight of your goal, that is what defines you.
Your loyalty to those you care about goes beyond the body you inhabit, Morrette, and I respect the hell out of you for that.
“I understand if you want nothing to do with me, I really do. I failed you when I should have listened and at least investigated more about Gennel when you raised your suspicions. I let my misconceptions color your capabilities as a spellcaster. And I allowed my fear of what could happen blind my ability to make the right choice, to trust your judgement. But…” Morrette may as well wrapped a hand around my throat for how tight it felt now.
“I’m willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
I just… I can’t let you go. I won’t let you go. ”
My eyes refused to leave Morrette’s now.
Even when my pride was thrown at their feet to stomp on.
Even if I stared rejection right in the face.
Morrette didn’t think I knew their character, but I did.
I knew the bravery and loyalty, the strength and passion that lay in that soul.
Man or woman, whoever or whatever Morrette was, I wanted in my life for as long as I could have them.
Braced as I was for them to shoot me down, I almost fell on my ass regardless when a glorious smile suddenly stretched Morrette’s lips.
It was like Wira herself smiled at me—with that long black hair whipping in the salty sea breeze—beautiful and terrifying and rewarding all wrapped together.
Their blue eyes softened at the edges, and I think I saw a gentler side of Morrette Hilj.
A side that not many others have seen, or are alive to talk about it.
Then, they were moving toward me, their steps slow and measured as if trying to not spook a wild animal.
A slim, long-fingered hand reached out and cupped the side of my face with a gentleness I didn’t expect.
I knew my cheeks were rough with stubble, unable to shave on my mad dash to Julra, but they didn’t seem to mind as their palm pressed against my jaw.
“Irin,” Morrette began, and already I could hear the rejection in their voice.
It was going to be brutally painful this close to them.
My eyes shut to brace for the next blow to my heart.
“I hear you, and your feelings are valid. But…” That pause threatened to crush my chest with the weight of it.
“I hope that we can work together to bring my people home and resurrect Julra. Maybe from there, we can assess together if our feelings are the same. Despite how I appear to you now, I have ninety years of life over yours. Who knows, you may get tired of me and my old ways.”
There it was. That glimmer of sharp humor I thought died with Haron. I snapped my eyes open, looking up just in time to see Morrette’s eyes crinkle at the corners with mirth. Their hand still rested against my cheek, gently brushing the wind-bitten skin with the pad of their thumb.
But they continued. “I have my goals, as you said before. I have only taken the first step to revive my country. But I feel… I feel like I will be sidetracked if I allow myself to be whisked away to be a queen in Respar. All I can offer you is the friendship of one ruler to another, with the hope that one day those feelings will grow to match yours. You do not deserve the burden of waiting for me to catch up, so I wish you would find someone who—”
“Oh, fuck right off with that!” I stepped back out of Morrette’s grasp.
If anyone from my buttoned-up council were here to witness me talking like this to another royal, they would likely faint from shock.
“I’m not letting you think you can get off the hook by pushing me into a relationship with someone else!
If I’m going to turn around and walk off this drawbridge today, it’s with the promise I’m coming back here someday with a gods-damn ring and wedding parade!
“If that’s not something you can live with, you tell me right now you hate my fucking guts and never wish to see me again. And you better fucking mean it, because I can tell if you lie.”
Our eyes locked, mine prickling with the threat of tears I refused to shed.
Morrette seemed to take my measure, waiting to see if I would fold under the weight of my promise.
The joke was on them. I wasn't going to let this go even if my life depended on it.
They could hold a sword to my throat and I would still give the same answer.
So, I was considerably shocked when a laugh burst from them, so much so I startled a bit and almost slipped from Morrette's hand still on my cheek.
It was the same hearty laugh they had as Haron, coming from deep in their chest. They threw their head back with the force of it, the untethered sound completely melting me from the inside out, my courage now a puddle at my feet.
“That is an impressive proposal, little princeling.” Morrette pulled their hand back to wipe tears from their eyes with the back of a finger.
Little chuckles still shook their chest as they met my stubborn stare with one of fondness.
“I look forward to the day you kick down my doors with your ring and wedding party. Until then, Julra will be your ally, should you ever need our support.” Their head turned to the east, the light hitting their collar just right to flash bright silver in the waning light.
“I fear this is only the beginning of what Golath’s remaining royalty has in store for us. ”
Their eyes were set on the icy horizon, but mine would not waver from their striking profile. I vow I would do whatever Morrette Hilj asks of me. I only hoped they would ask.