Nineteen
Closing her laptop shut with a snick, Esther leans back in her chair to stretch. The sky outside is still light, but any direct sun left the alley hours ago. I’ve been grounding myself on the bed, while she’s been busy finishing up her last class of the day. “Lucy, are you there? It’s Esther.”
With an amused snort, I roll onto my side to look at her. “Of course I am. Where else would I be?”
“Are you laughing at me?” Esther touches her chest. “It feels like you’re laughing at me.”
“Laughing is a strong word,” I tease, since she can’t hear me yet. “I exhaled a little through my nose. Does that count as laughter?”
“Sorry for ignoring you all day!” Esther adjusts her khakis with a wince, tugging at the seam along her thigh.
I don’t really get why she’s wearing pants when we’re at home, but I imagine it’s because of me.
I frown, trying to ignore the guilt. I can’t change the fact that I’m haunting her, but Esther has been wearing khakis for twelve hours now.
She even wore actual pajamas to bed last night, instead of her usual birthday suit.
How many months have I been haunting her?
Never have I seen—not even once—these pajamas she pulled out of a storage bin in the closet.
“You had to work,” I finally reply, sitting up to perch on the corner of the bed.
Months of one-sided conversations and I’m already forgetting to reply out loud.
A lifelong habit of mine. But she’s not even recording yet, so this is more practice for the conversation I assume we’re about to have.
“I’m not fussed about you working instead of talking with me all day, don’t worry. ”
Esther pulls up a meeting on her laptop.
“Okay, I’ll get this going. I don’t know how long to let the recording go for.
I cut you off mid-sentence a couple times yesterday.
Maybe ten seconds, then I listen and respond, then back to you?
Would that be okay? How long do people normally talk for?
Ten seconds seems short, but you can tell me if you want to go longer, I guess.
Plus, anything else you want to tell me right away? ”
Finally, Esther hits record.
“Yeah, that works. Take your pants off.” I pause, wondering what else to say to fill the rest of the ten seconds. “Yeah, no, that’s it. Take your pants off.”
I try to smooth out a wrinkle in the blanket as we sit in silence that seems far longer than ten seconds. It doesn’t work. The wrinkle remains.
Esther stops the recording to listen to it back. As soon as my demonic voice tells her to take her pants off, she blushes bright pink. “What?” She stands to pace. “Oh my god. That’s um…something. A little forward?”
Blinking, I belatedly realize how that might have sounded. “Wait, record again! I can explain!” I muffle my laugh; this shouldn’t be funny. Except it is ridiculous.
“You’re laughing at me?” Esther rubs her chest again, face still aflame. “Why are you laughing at me? Lucy, I’m wearing pants for your sake!”
“Start the recording!” I manage to say through my laughter. “Let me explain!”
Even if she can’t hear me, Esther starts the recording anyway.
“I didn’t mean it to sound like I was coming on to you, I promise!” I blurt out, trying to stay ahead of my giggles. A few escape me anyway. “You just, you never wear pants. I’ve been here for months already, East, you can just keep doing your thing. Be comfortable!”
I finish just as Esther stops the recording. My deep demonic giggles sound so ridiculous that Esther and I both burst into laughter.
When she catches her breath, Esther says, “Lucy, for you, I get this is normal. But I just found out you’re haunting me two days ago.”
I frown. “It’s been two days? I thought that was yesterday.” What memories from yesterday have I lost?
“Yeah, normally, I don’t wear pants. But before this, I was not aware that you were here.
Like, I had felt something for a while now, but I told myself I was crazy for thinking it was your presence, considering I haven’t really held any stock in an afterlife since I left the church.
” Esther shakes her head, chewing on her lip.
“This is new for me, and kind of throwing me for a loop. I don’t really know the etiquette here.
” She huffs, setting up the recording again.
“I’m way over ten seconds, sorry. We need to find a more efficient way to communicate.
I’ll give you more time, if you want it.
” She clicks the button and goes silent.
“Look, I understand you may need some time to process all of this, but just remember, I’ve seen it all.
” I shake my head, the shame for my forced voyeurism uncomfortable with how…
grateful I am to be haunting her. “I would give you privacy if I could, but I don’t have a choice.
I can’t close my eyes, doors don’t exist for me, and I don’t sleep.
There is literally not a single second in the past…
however many months it’s been, that I haven’t witnessed your life.
Every moment that has passed since the day I died, you’ve been the focus of my existence.
” Grimacing at how dramatic, how vulnerable I sound, I fuss with the wrinkle again, ineffectively.
“You don’t have to be uncomfortable for my sake, or for propriety, or—”
Esther turns off the recording. My sigh as my sentence trails off is tinged with disappointment, even though I’m not really sure what I was about to say.
Sitting quietly as she listens, Esther squeezes her eyes shut, takes a breath, and forces a smile. “Sorry for cutting you off, Lucy! I wonder if we could have a signal of some sort—oh! I have an idea!”
I scoot back from the end of the bed just in time to avoid being burned as she passes, fussing with the seams of her khakis again.
She opens the closet again, digging out another storage bin.
“Where is it? Oh! Here!” Esther triumphantly holds up a bold purple feather boa.
She tugs a feather from it, and shoves the bin back into the closet.
Setting the feather on the edge of the table, Esther settles back in her chair. “Where are you, anyway? Like, in the room? If I set this on the table, can you make it move when you’re done, so I know to stop the recording? Okay…and go!” She hits record again.
“I am sitting on the bed, but I can be next to the table instead. Just don’t walk into me without a little warning, please.
” I pull myself over to the table, and ground myself.
Feet resting flat on the floor, I add, “Now take your pants off. Please. The seams are irritating you.” With that, I smack the feather as hard as I can.
It floats to the floor on the first try.
“That was much faster than ten seconds.” Esther stops the recording and hits the replay, bending over to pick up the feather. Her head and arms pass through my legs before I can move away.
I curse under my breath, jumping back toward the bed.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! I just went through you, didn’t it?
I’ll give you more time next time.” Esther covers her face as she listens to my message.
“This is going to sound so silly, but if I take my pants off, if I keep acting like you’re not here even though I know you are, can you…
” Her sigh comes out more like a hiss. “Can you not judge me too much? I’ve gotten so strange since moving here, because there’s no one to tease me for acting like a gremlin, and with everything shut down, I’ve kind of…
stopped caring. Since there was no one to see me, to care if I was too weird.
But now I know you’re here, so there is, and I don’t want you to think less of me. ”
She sets the feather on the table, and hits record.
“Um, you have a very cute apartment,” I say, wondering where I’m going with this.
But there’s no time limit, so I can figure it out as I go.
“You decorated, you’ve made it yours, this is your home.
In my apartment, I was living out of boxes and the only decoration was the red wine stain on the carpet by the couch.
You call yourself strange, and yeah, you might be, but I was strange too.
For all I know, everyone is strange. Your weird habits are charming, instead of sad or pathetic like mine were. ”
I pause, trying to find the line of encouraging her to trust me, without making it seem like I’m hitting on her again.
“Even after haunting you for months, I hold you in nothing but the highest regard, respect, and admiration. I’m sorry—” My voice catches in my throat.
“I’m sorry that I’ve put you in this position, and the last thing I want is to burden you or make you uncomfortable.
And right now, those damn pants are making you uncomfortable, so won’t you please, take them off. For my sake, if not your own.”
Grounding myself, I swat at the feather. This time, it takes a couple tries before it falls.
Esther listens to the playback, giving me a minute to back away, before she picks up the feather.
“Fine.” She stands up to kick off her pants, chucking them across the room toward the closet.
“But for the record, I’m doing this because you asked.
” She sits back down in her chair, arms crossed.
The seams of her pants have left red welts in the soft skin of her thighs.
I’m half-tempted to run my hands along them; what would burn me would soothe her skin. But Esther could grab a cool cloth or lotion if she needed. I’m already pushing her out of her comfort zone; she doesn’t need me asking for consent to touch her, too.
“Lucy, are you comfortable?” Esther asks, setting the feather on the table before she hits record. “Anything I can do to improve this experience for you?”