Twenty-Seven #3
As comforting as spite can be, my north star has always been my curiosity.
Understanding the world around me, absorbing everything there is to learn, a thirst for knowledge about the unknown.
Sometimes as an escape, a way to avoid painful truths I wished were fictitious, but always in pursuit of a life better than the cards I was dealt.
I just never learned when to recognize when something was worth keeping, how to embrace and accept the good.
And now, Esther is my constant companion.
With her to show me what joy feels like, my death is immeasurably better than my life.
I can’t bring myself to let go of her, so perhaps it’s time to let go of my resentment.
“I’m glad he’s finally growing and working on himself.
It’s a little late for him to make amends with me, but I’m glad he’s holding himself accountable.
For his sake.” A small smile graces my face.
“And I’m glad you’re trying to forgive yourself, too.
You deserve to move on if you can, finally get away from her. ” I nod to Mom.
With a scoff, she ignores me, turning back to Angel to murmur in his ear.
“I’m trying. It’s so hard to move on when I keep getting dragged back into his life because of her bullshit.
” A veiled arm gestures to Mom, who is increasingly upset because Angel is listening to Esther speak highly of me, instead of absorbing my mother’s disdain for her only daughter.
I wince; how has she gotten so much worse in death?
“But I’m realizing that is something I need to let go of.
I was Tied to Angel, but lately, it feels more like I’ve been more Tied to her.
I keep trying to help her see sense. To understand why she’s so angry, still, after all these years.
Figure out what went wrong between us.” Dad sighs.
“Maybe that’s what I need to let go of, too.
I can’t change her. I never could. I need to let go of my ghostly Tie, as well as the earthly one. ”
“Mom has to change herself. She has to be ready to change if and when she wants to.” I huff out a laugh.
“That was my takeaway from therapy, anyway. I can’t control how people feel about me or how they treat me.
I can only control the effort I put into others.
” I snort. “Though my answer for that breakthrough was to have no personal relationships at all. My therapist probably didn’t want that outcome, but here I am.
When I was alive, I never put effort into anyone. ” I shake my head.
After all these months with nothing but time to think, I want to believe I’ve forgiven myself for never speaking to Esther.
But the regret still aches, raw and jagged as always.
Perhaps that’s part of forgiving myself, accepting that regret will always hurt.
“Maybe if I had, things might be different. I might have been less lonely after my only friend died. But now, I can’t put effort into any relationships, regardless of whether or not I want to. ”
Esther squeezes my hand in a silent reminder that she’s there.
“Well, except Esther, of course.” I turn to smile at her and squeeze her hand in return. “She’s the only one I’ve cared about in a long time.”
“Is she really the only one? You truly don’t care about Angel at all?” Dad gently challenges. “How can you be happy that he’s trying if you didn’t care?”
I can’t answer that. Because as much as I thought I didn’t care about Angel, I am proud of him. For his sake. And if I didn’t care about him, why would I feel that way? Why would I have asked Esther to check up on him on his birthday? If I didn’t care, why are we here now?
“Thank you, Esther.” Angel leans forward, elbows on his knees.
“And I know you said you’re not a believer in a higher power, but I hope it brings you comfort to know Lucy’s presence surrounds you.
I always feel my mom’s presence, and sometimes my dad’s, even though I never knew him.
I like to believe they’re both watching over me.
But sitting here with you, I feel like Lucy is sitting next to you, watching over you as my parents watch over me. ”
As if sensing my discomfort and disbelief that my brother knew me well enough to sense my presence, cared about me enough to know that whatever it is he senses next to Esther is me, Esther squeezes my hand again.
“And I hope it brings you comfort to know that Lucy would forgive you if she was here. That she cared about you.”
If Angel didn’t hate me as much as I thought he did, if my death is really impacting him this much, if he really is trying to comfort Esther, perhaps I can extend an olive branch too.
It can’t possibly mean much, but I lean closer, a quiet request for support from her.
“And I’d apologize. He needed me, and I left him. ”
Esther gives the slightest nod. “And she’d ask for your forgiveness. She regretted leaving you when you still needed her.”
“Oh, Lucy,” Dad sighs out. I can’t tell if that’s envy or pity in his voice. “No wonder you’re so bright.”