Good Grief #3
“Oh, is that the biggest problem?” Angel mutters dryly.
“We’ll just forget the screaming elephant in the room—no, Mom, I’m not calling you an elephant, it’s just a saying.
” He rubs his forehead, shaking his head as if clearing her out of his mind.
“We can’t even talk to Dad because Mom’s presence is so…
loud.” He scoffs. “I used to worship her. She was my hero. And the more she loses touch with reality, the angrier I get. The more I pity her.”
“Those sound like competing feelings,” Michelle observes, breaking her silence for the first time in several long minutes while Lucy spoke.
“I guess?” Angel shrugs.
“Where do you feel it? The anger and the pity?” Esther asks.
Michelle nods approvingly.
Angel frowns, in thought more than annoyance. “Anger? It’s everywhere, especially in my chest and stomach, but the pity, it’s smaller, just here.” He pats his chest, right above his solar plexus.
“That might be your dad’s pity,” Esther murmurs, remembering each of the strange, inexplicable feelings of Lucy’s warming her chest. She touches her own sternum, where she felt Lucy’s sorrow, her laughter, her love, even before she knew it belonged to Lucy.
She smiles at Angel, her brother, her friend. Dramatic and snarky as he can be, Angel is her family now, and Esther doesn’t take that lightly. “We’ll find a way for you to connect with him, with both of them, with yourself. I promise.”
“And not just for our book,” Lucy adds with a laugh.
“But for you, and Dad, and even Mom. Because yeah, I am still so angry at her, and I probably always will be. But she’s so much worse now than she ever was.
She needs help, and I hope for her sake that one day, she’s willing to accept it.
” Lucy looks at Gordon and Michelle. “Will you help us? We figured it’d probably be best to approach it like family therapy, because I don’t know how else we’re going to make any breakthroughs with Mom. ”
“Just a forewarning, we’re all really fucked up,” Angel snarks. “Even Esther. Don’t let her innocent look fool you. She assaulted me with a seltzer once.”
“You deserved it,” Esther and Lucy say in unison.
Angel laughs, but rubs his chest with a wince. “Oh, Mom does not like that.”
“I don’t know if we can help, but we’re certainly willing to try,” Michelle says. “At least, I am.”
“Me too.” Gordon nods. “This is the most interesting onboarding session I’ve had in years.”
“Shall we start with the relationship between you two?” Michelle suggests, clicking her pen to wave it between Lucy and Angel.
Esther nods along eagerly; she’d suggested this approach several times, always immediately getting vetoed by the Monae siblings.
But of all the ways she wishes she could reconnect with her own family, it’s not her parents she misses the most: it’s her siblings.
Those are the connections she fervently hopes to rebuild, especially her sister who outed her.
She needs to know Esther still loves her and would forgive her, if she wants it.
“Maybe if your parents are forced to listen, they might absorb some things, too.”
“We’re starting with us?” Angel and Lucy say together, wearing identical looks of disgust. “Ugh.”
Esther giggles. She can’t help herself. All these years, wondering what was wrong with her, what was so broken that no one wanted her around for long.
And here, her wife, her new family—spectral in-laws included—are just as broken and confused as her.
Despite their mess, they are people Esther is grateful to claim, who love her as much as she loves them (well, their mom is not exactly her favorite person, and she has yet to make contact with their dad).
The Monaes have shown Esther she is less broken than she thought.
While her own blood relatives still haven’t reached out, Esther no longer needs them to.
Cash’s wife was as warm and welcoming as ever when Lucy and Esther reached out to her, and their children now see them as part of the family.
Syd and the other TAs stay in touch, leading a growing mentee group chat that gets together every summer.
Even Gilda has their backs, claiming credit for the growth in Esther in the year Lucy haunted her; she welcomed Lucy back from her “sabbatical” with far more relief and enthusiasm than either of them expected.
She’s promised to stick around long enough to ensure they both get tenure.
These days, Esther has people who care about her, as does Lucy.
They have friends who celebrate them and reach out, and who they reach out to in turn.
Chosen family to join them for pasta and chocolate cake on special occasions.
A network they can turn to when they need help, or a recommendation for yet another family therapist. Between all the people Esther and Lucy have connected with in the past few years—students, interview subjects, colleagues, neighbors, who have all become genuine friends—their lives are full of love and hope that maybe one day, they’ll all be a little more whole.