Chapter 23
Xiaoyu
A memory of a dream
Pine trees dripping like wax and stalactites is an awe-inspiring display.
Cut-outs of various species of fungi and trees across a sky of plant cell division under a microscope.
These have always been my go-to background for arts and crafts.
The fact that I can’t nurture my own plants has made the hobby go haywire.
It looks a bit like a trippy scene, but it’s what happens when you say too little, and want too much. It shows in what you create. If someone pasted my whole aspirational scrapbook right across a scene, it would be this.
Unnatural, it’s what it looks like. And yet, it gives that cozy, warm feeling of seeing someone’s hard work come to life. The grass crinkles, sounding like crumpled paper. The air smells distinctly of old books.
Spinning around, I’m amazed at the detail put into the artificial world.
“Absurd someone would take time to make this.” I shout into the heavens, knowing I would eventually summon a few paper birds and planes.
I watch the view expectantly, but a few seconds pass, they don’t come. Instead, veins of black seep into the eukaryotic cells like an infection. A chill runs down my neck, and I know I’m being watched.
In my dreams, I’m always brave. So when I turn to confront my intruder, it hides behind a cut-out.
It’s my friend.
I barely remember its visits, but it’s become more frequent recently. I’ve been more down as of late, maybe that’s why. It always comes to cheer me up.
Walking forward, I coax it out. “I know who you are. Come out.”
Slowly, it peeks out. I have to hold back a gasp when it finally reveals itself. It’s…unbelievably tall. Wide. Like a black swirling hole sucking me in. It has rings of sharp teeth that shimmies as if in greeting.
When it sees my shock, it hides behind a tree again.
“No, come back! I’m sorry, it’s just the first time I’ve actually seen you in the daylight.”
It takes more persuading, but it eventually steps out again. This time, its shape vibrates until the ground below me quakes.
“Is that you?” I ask, eyes frantically looking around. Are we okay?
Gradually, deliberately, its form pulses into something else. Not a chaos of black snarls, but this one, an approximation of a man’s shape. Not entirely human, not entirely other, too.
I smile, holding my arms out for it. “You sure you’re a guy? Or are you pretending to be one? I don’t mind either way.”
Phosphorescent violet eyes blink open. For a moment, I think there are way too many eyes before shifting back to two. He’s still continuously molding himself to be this vague male form with rippling muscles.
I can’t help it. The call of his body is hypnotic. My gaze skims down his form, and I recall that this isn’t really him. It’s just what he wants to look like for me. There’s something growing between his legs. A heavy, thick cock that pulses with my racing heart.
Before I can say anything, he closes the distance between us and tilts my chin up. He points at his two eyes.
“Eyes up here,” he says.
I bite back a grin. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what got into me.”
“I know what got into you,” he teases me, running sharp-tipped fingers over my cheeks. “You are only answering your body’s call. It calls to me like mine does yours.”
My hand wraps around his cold wrist, and his form shudders—almost fading.
“It’s not just my body. I miss you when you’re gone.”
He leans down and presses his face to mine. It’s not a kiss, more like a face-snuggle. I burst out laughing, finding this too cute.
“I feel your absence constantly.”
“What does it feel like?”
He takes my hand and sets it upon his chest where his heart should be. “I feel it here. It hurts.” Then, to his stomach. “Here, too.” Our hands drift lower until I am cupping him.
A harsh breath leaves my lips.
“Sometimes, here, too.” He watches me with an odd curiosity.
“You lie.” I poke his chest with my other hand. The one holding him is…exploring. His cock moves fluidly. It doesn’t feel real at the way more of them slither up my arm.
“I may feel you here more than I care to admit.”
“How long have you been stalking me?”
His head tips to the side. “You were betrothed to someone else when I found you again.”
“Again?” He’s under my skin, all over me. What had been his cock is now the blood running in my veins. It glistens when I move the slightest.
He presses his face against mine once more before blinking. His eyes change colors, a memory of my friend in the dark resurfacing. My heart squeezes until I can barely breathe.
“I left hoping you would heal, but my gut tells me otherwise. You needed me.”
“Why do you keep coming back?”
“Because I hunger for you. You, the affliction I would force upon myself.”
“Don’t say it like I’m a disease.” There's something in me that feels hurt even though I know that's not what he meant.
Every inch of my skin is covered by him. I’m being swallowed whole, my vision a twisting haze of snakes.
“You are hard to swallow, heavy to hold, but you are all I want.”
Datu
The most merciful thing I had done for myself was cleanse Xiaoyu of her memories of me.
When she had been a child, I’d done it to cleanse my own conscience—something I never thought I had.
It had been done not because I felt awful what a child had witnessed.
I had been driven to keep the rankling hunger and rage at bay—to retain some semblance of “balance.”
After the storm that had made the Terra rabid, I had vowed never to visit the dreams again—especially troubled children’s. I had known it within me—a weakness—I would succumb to a certain kind of madness if I met more monsters like Xiaoyu’s.
The more trips I had taken, however, the clearer it became to me—I am only digging myself an even bigger, more hollow hole.
Nothing satiates anymore. When the little pitter-patters in my belly began many seasons ago, I had to follow it.
They had been like little footsteps leading me astray.
I had been desperate for change—still am.
I hadn’t known it was her at first. I had only found out who she was when she spoke in a dream. She was afraid of the dark, of being hungry. Flicked on a night light—one so familiar to me. An adult holding on to childhood memories like it was her only friend.
A longing, yearning for something I had felt deep in my gut.
They say longing is a thing of the past, but wanting Xiaoyu is a slow, ever-present death. A grief that refuses to leave. I realize now that is the very reason why I return to her after every time I vow not to.
I am addicted to the longing she makes me feel. That something.
I am a hypocrite—never a liar—which feels so much worse. For that, I will suffer. Endlessly, until I find a way to cease to exist.
I hide in the shadows as I watch the other human woman from here. I had let the guardians care for her after the catastrophe that took place yesterday. I know deep in my gut I had burned Lakan’s twitching remains. It is why I am taken entirely aback when I see him again.
The difference now is he does not seem as unhinged as last night. Today, I only feel the gnawing in his belly, so akin to mine.
“I never thought to see you again.”
He is munching on a root crop, his eyes too focused on Sunshine.
He is…masticating. Which is odd for a male Terra.
“My sprouts died, Datu. I was not able to provide like I had wanted.” His brand-new eyes are accusatory. “Many of us have returned. We did not pass on only for the future to go extinct.”
Shame wraps around me like a toxic swaddle. Lakan is one of the very few who hears me. He is Terra, but he has always felt different. He holds wisdom much like someone who has existed for a millenia. It is as if his spirit has been in existence far longer than his body.
Like me, he has grown claws and sharp teeth.
“It is my fault that the sprouts did not survive.”
“You do not get to carry a burden that is not yours.” He snaps, and towers over me.
Right now, his crown seems to have reached the sky.
He is imposing, intimidating, even. “It is my failing my sprouts could not survive. The males have failed the species, but starting today, we will thrive anew. I have seen the future with my new eyes.” He shoves crops into my hands. “Feed yourself. You are gaunt.”
Sniffing the root crop, I grimace. He looks expectant.
“I have never eaten anything in this form.”
“Do not be so set in the ways of the past. We rose from the dead to knock some sense into you.” Lakan’s good-natured wisecracks is something I thought I would never hear again.
I run my teeth over the sharp tips again. Had this been the answer the whole time? Hesitantly, I bite into the crop and chew. There is no taste, just texture, and it is dry. It breaks in my mouth like sand.
“It should not taste good, but it is sustenance.”
Finishing the crop, it is strange to me how it stabilizes the churning in my gut. Xiaoyu had been correct. My Terra form had been forced to change. I eat more until I feel heavy and filled. An extreme juxtaposition of the void.
“How long does this last?”
“Not long. But I know what will fill me. Or who.” His gaze finds Sunshine again underneath the tree.
“You are not to eat her.” I snarl, protective of Xiaoyu’s friend.
He grins widely at me, and I see mischief in his eyes. “You do not tell me what to do. My hunger for her is different.”
It chills me to the bone how much I understand this. When I made certain he would not hurt the human female, I left him to stew in my own thoughts.
I miss Xiaoyu, but I had promised her a place to belong in. She wants a home, but I am not giving her that.
From the veins of my teeth, to the bones of my soul, I will pour every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears to build her an altar.