13. Jane Doe
CHAPTER 13
JANE DOE
ONE WEEK LATER.
G ena.
If that’s really my name, then why does it sound even more impersonal than Jane Doe? I’ve spent the last week going over everything in my head, repeating that name over and over again, but I might as well be talking about a complete stranger. Then again, I guess I kind of am a stranger to myself. Ugh, how sad is that?
“Are you all right?”
I glance over at Lani as she plops down onto the couch beside me. Elliot is out on the ranch handling chores, and Lani has a rare day off. Earlier today, she’d finally made me let her trim my hair, so it’s all the same length for the first time since Elliot had to cut some of it to get me out of that creek.
Now she’s prepping for her own hair appointment.
“I’m processing,” I reply. It’s not a total lie, but telling her that I’m slowly spiraling doesn’t seem like the best thing at the moment.
“Tucker is still running Gena and your description through every database he can. If you’re out there, he’ll find you.”
“We know I was from Dallas; that should help narrow the search,” I reply, tone dry.
“That’s what Elliot said he’s hoping for too.” She smiles. “Are you sure you don’t want any coffee?” She worked an overnight at the hospital last night, so this is her third cup since she woke up two hours ago.
“Nah, thanks though. I may not know much about myself, but I do know that will keep me up well past when I want to sleep.”
She laughs. “Honestly, I’m not sure it even does anything for me anymore. I really should give it up, but I just love it so.” To emphasize, she kisses her cup.
Lani has such a comforting presence about her, and the woman can lighten any sour mood with just a few words and a smile. She makes a good friend. Especially since I’m living in a world where I don’t feel as though I have many.
There’s Elliot, sure, but my feelings for him are anything but friend-based. Even if I don’t fully understand just what it is that’s blooming between us—at least on my side—I know that much.
“There really wasn’t anything else at that shipping company?” she asks then takes a sip. “Nothing that’s come up since you guys came back?”
“Nope. It was completely empty. Aside from some employee records we’d looked through. Local PD let Victor and his secretary go, and they’re back to business as usual.”
“But you did learn your first name, so that’s good.”
“Sure. If it really is my first name,” I say.
“You don’t think it is?”
I consider the question then evaluate the pit in my stomach. “Something feels off. I just can’t put my finger on it. It could just be hope though.”
“Hope for what?”
“That he was lying.”
“Why do you hope he was lying?”
I take a deep breath. “I mean, he said that Rosalie met a woman out of Dallas who was going to change her life. Does that sound like a positive thing?”
“Changing someone’s life can be a good thing.”
“She ended up dead in the woods,” I reply. “Seems to me like she would have been better off if I’d have left her alone.” I stare straight ahead and out the window at the ranch. From here, I can see an empty round pen, a blooming garden, and—in the distance—the auto shed. Which is where Elliot currently is, trying to fix one of the old tractors.
“You don’t know if you had anything to do with that,” Lani says quietly then touches my arm.
“I also don’t know that I didn’t.” I sigh. “I have no idea if I’m going to like the person I find once everything clicks back into place.”
“Is that what you’re worried about?” Lani asks.
I shrug then turn toward her. “Honestly, yes. There’s a part of me that wants to stop looking for answers.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I really do. I’ve spent the last week going through everything, trying to come up with a scenario where I wasn’t into something illegal, and I’ve got nothing. Every rock we turn over has me beneath it, looking more and more like a worm.”
“Everyone has a past. Yours is a part of you. And if it was bad, you’re not that person anymore. You can choose a different path.”
But will Elliot still look at me the same? It’s what I really want to ask but can’t bring myself to. What if I was a killer? Or what if I worked for some horrible, evil person? What if I’m the reason Rosalie Wallace is dead?
The shrill tone of Lani’s alarm cuts through the silence, and she stands. “Time to get ready!” She hesitates, her expression morphing into one of concern. “Are you okay? I can cancel my appointment. My hair can wait.”
“No, you’re good. Seriously. Go have your hair trimmed. You deserve it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive,” I reply with a smile.
She remains where she is. “Oh! You know what? Girls’ night tonight. We can kick Elliot out of here, and he can go hang out with Bradyn. I’ll call Kennedy and have her come over, and we’ll hang out. Maybe watch a cheesy movie and paint our nails.” She beams at me, the idea forming in her mind.
“Doesn’t Kennedy have enough going on? The wedding is coming up fast.”
“Which means she could use the distraction too. Come on, it’ll be fun! I’ll even call Emma and have her come over. Ooh, yes! I haven’t seen her in forever!”
“Emma?”
“Dylan’s ex. They were childhood sweethearts. She’s super sweet. You’ll love her. What do you think? Please say yes. I think it will be great.”
With the way Lani is looking at me, even if I’d have wanted to say no, I couldn’t. “Sure. Sounds great. I do feel bad about kicking Elliot out though.”
She waves her hand in dismissal. “Nah, he’ll be fine. They’ll probably do some night training in the woods with the dogs or something. They like that.”
I can’t help but smile at the way she handles problems. The woman has an answer for everything. “Then that sounds great.”
“Awesome. I’m going to go get dressed. I’ll call the girls on the way to the salon.” She squeals. “Oh, this will be so much fun!”
“I think so!” I call out as she heads down the hall.
Needing to do something, I push to my feet and head toward the window to look out. Elliot and I barely spoke last night or on the drive here today. I know that the silence was because of me. He’d tried to spark up a conversation, but my mind just continues reliving that moment over and over again.
“She met a woman from Dallas who was going to change her life.”
I know where my thoughts go. Prostitution. Drugs. Murder. But even as those possibilities run through my mind, I reach up and touch the cross around my neck. None of those feel like me.
But if our past truly does define us, and I was involved in any of those things, then isn’t that who I am? Will there ever be an escape for me?
“Hey there.”
I turn, surprised that Lani is back in the room and already dressed in jeans and a blue T-shirt with the word “Waymaker” written in bright gold lettering, “Isaiah 43:19” underneath it. She holds out a leather-bound copy of the Bible. “What’s that for?”
“I have a spare one I keep in my car. Why don’t you use this one? Dad always said that the answers to all of life’s struggles can be found amongst the words in red.”
Warmth spreads through my chest, appreciation and emotion, as I take the Bible from her. I run my fingers over the gold lettering. It feels right. Familiar. Even as everything else around me is full of questions, holding this feels like home.
“Thank you.”
Lani smiles and gently squeezes my arm. “You’re welcome. All right, I’m out. Call if you need me. Elliot should be in soon, and you have the wonderful job of telling him he has to leave for the night,” she adds with a wink.
I chuckle, shaking my head. “We’ll see how that goes. Thanks for this.” I hold up the Bible.
“You—” she starts then slings her purse over her shoulder, “are so welcome.”
As Lani heads out, I take a seat on the couch then take a deep breath. “God, I’m not even sure where to start. I feel lost. Completely and utterly lost.” A chill runs through me, and I take another deep breath. “Was I bad before? Did I do—” I trail off, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. “I don’t know what I did before, but please don’t let it have been horrible. Or if it was, please—please forgive me. Help me to not become that person ever again.” I close my eyes, and a tear falls. “I want to be better. I want to feel like I do now. I want to do good for people.” I tilt my face up toward the ceiling. “God, please don’t turn your back on me.”
* * *
I’m still reading when the front door opens and Elliot strolls in, Echo panting at his side. I glance up, my mouth watering when I take in the sight of him wearing dark jeans and a white T-shirt smeared with motor grease.
The man would look good in a garbage bag, I’m sure of it.
“Hey,” he greets then heads into the kitchen to wash his hands.
Echo laps up some water then plops down on his bed.
“You get it working again?” I ask, leaving the Bible open but setting it aside so I can stand and head into the kitchen, too.
“I did. Took quite a bit, and I ended up giving the tire a good kick out of frustration.” He smiles as he dries his hands. “But it’s running again. For now.”
“How old is it?”
“Older than me,” he jokes. “It was the first tractor my dad bought for this place after my grandfather’s finally became useless.”
“It’s neat that you’re keeping it running for him.”
He reaches into the fridge and pulls out a bottle of water then offers it to me. I’m not thirsty, but I take it anyway. “So, what have you been up to today?”
“Not much,” I admit. “I made another list of everything we know so far then spent some time sitting on the couch. The last couple of hours, I’ve been reading.”
“Oh? Reading what?”
“The Bible. Lani is letting me borrow hers.”
His expression darkens just a bit. It’s so faint I’m not even sure how I catch it. “Does that bother you?”
“No. Why would it bother me?” Elliot opens the pantry door and withdraws a bag of salt and vinegar chips.
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.”
“It doesn’t bother me at all. If you can find your answers there, then I think that’s great.”
I study him further. “Elliot, what’s going on?”
Without eating a single chip, he sets the bag on the counter and crosses his arms. “I struggle a bit in the faith department.”
“Oh?”
“I know God is real. I know that Jesus came and died for our sins. What I don’t understand is how He can forgive us even when we can’t forgive ourselves.”
His words hit home because that’s something I’ve been struggling with. And I don’t even know what it is I’ve done in my past. “I get that.”
“You do?”
“Sure. Look, honestly? There’s a part of me that wants to stop looking for answers. I can just find a job, start over, not even bother with ever learning who I really was.”
His brow furrows. “Why?”
“Let’s just go over what we know, shall we? I was shot and left for dead while wearing a party dress and a man’s shirt. Then, someone tried to kill me again while I was in the hospital, and I knew enough to defend myself by taking his life. Then, a woman who thought I was going to change her life winds up having it ended instead. And to top it off, I broke a man’s nose without hesitation.”
“First of all, we don’t know if you hesitated. Second, after meeting him, I can see how he deserved it. And while I agree our initial theory that it’s a serial killer is not looking so solid at the moment, it’s still a possibility that you were dragged into this and forced to bring her in. It happens sometimes with trafficking victims. They’re often forced to be a part of the operation.”
He’s trying to ease some of the tightness in my chest. Unfortunately, it only has the opposite effect. “Then that makes me guilty. Besides, who knows what I was wrapped up in? What if I’m the killer? Or what if I did trap that woman into slavery? What if I promised her the world and instead trapped her in hell?” Tears blur my vision, but I can still see him clearly as he crosses over toward me, both large hands gripping my arms. “Even if I’d been coerced, I still could have said no. I could have refused.”
“Even if that is the case—and I’m not saying it is—you’re not that person anymore. You can choose a different path. But fear shouldn’t keep you from the truth because it’s a part of you.”
“That’s basically what Lani said.”
“She’s a wise woman, my sister.”
That gets a slight smile out of me, but the tightness only increases. These people think so highly of me. What’s going to happen when they learn the truth? “I’m scared, Elliot.”
“I know you are. But you don’t have to be. Whatever we find, we’ll deal with it.”
“And if I was a bad person? If I did truly horrible things? Will you let me turn myself in?”
A muscle in his jaw ticks.
“Because you need to promise me that you will. If we learn the truth before the cops do, you have to let me turn myself in.”
“You aren’t that person anymore.”
“But if I was that person, then I deserve to be punished for what I’ve done. Especially if I was the one who got Rosalie killed.”
“Jane—”
“I’m serious, Elliot.”
He takes a deep breath and releases me before taking a step back. “Fine. I promise. But you aren’t a bad person. No matter what is in your past, it’s not as dark as you think.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I do.” He steps back. “Tomorrow, I want to take you back to the woods where we found Rosalie. I want to see if something jogs your memory. Do you think you’ll be up for it?”
“Isn’t tomorrow Sunday?”
“It is.”
“Can we go after church?”
He stares blankly at me. “You want to go to church?”
“I do. You don’t have to go with me if you don’t want to. I just?—”
“I’ll take you.” His tone is flat, and if I’m not mistaken, he honestly looks a bit nervous.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. It’s—uh—been a while since I went.”
“How long?”
“Three years.”
I stare at him, shocked and saddened by his confession. “That’s a long time to feel lost.”
“You’re no stranger to wandering aimlessly either.”
“No,” I reply with a soft laugh. “I’m not.”
“Then let’s be lost in church together. Then afterward, we’ll head to the woods. Sound good?”
“It does.”
“Great. It’s a plan, then.” He turns and heads down the hall. “I’m going to grab a shower. Then we’ll go over the notes you took, and I’ll check in with Elijah to see if he found anything.”
“Oh, wait. Elliot?”
He stops and turns. “What is it?”
I remain where I am, rooted in my spot as warmth spreads through my body. It’s ridiculous that his hazel gaze can stir such feelings within me. “I’m supposed to tell you to be busy tonight.”
The corners of his lips lift in a smile. “Oh? Big plans?”
“Lani wants to have a girls’ night, and she said I get to be the one to tell you that we’re having it here.” My cheeks heat. Why did I think this wouldn’t be that difficult? “If you don’t want to, I totally get it. Seriously, this is your house, and?—”
“It’s completely fine.” He laughs. “I have some work I can do, anyway. I’ll use my dad’s office and beg my mom to cook me dinner.”
“Are you sure?”
He comes down the hall, stopping just in front of me. “This will be the perfect distraction for you.”
“But do I really need a distraction? We don’t have any answers, and?—”
“Exactly. We have no answers. Sometimes taking a step back helps you see more clearly. Maybe by not trying to remember, something will come to you.” Elliot reaches up and brushes a strand of hair behind my shoulder. I freeze beneath his touch, every single muscle in my body going rigid for fear that even the slightest movement will have him dropping his hand.
“Okay. As long as you’re sure you don’t mind,” I manage, though how I can even speak with the emotions warring within me, I’ll never know.
“Positive.” He drops his hand. “I’m going to grab a shower. Then, as soon as Lani gets here, I’ll head out.”