Chapter 7
seven
Luke
F rom the sunlight streaming into the room I estimate it’s late morning. Even after an episode, I seldom sleep this long. My body remembers every pain, every ache caused by the accident. The phantom pain in my hand grows stronger and I imagine flexing then stretching my fingers. Today that gives no relief.
A muffled, “Morning, Luke,” whispers in my ear.
Fuck. Sierra. She’d come to me after the visions retreated, leaving me only tears and pain. I struggle to remember but all I know is she made me lie back then stretched out beside me. Silently she held me as I cried and wiped away my tears until none remained. Tucked close to my side, she encouraged me to sleep, promising to be here watching over me, keeping me safe.
I should be keeping others safe. That’s my calling. Was my calling. Until I couldn’t save my sister.
Sierra shifts and wraps one of her legs over mine keeping me from escaping. “How do you feel this morning? Anything we need to do?”
Distracted by how her lush body fits against mine, I remain silent.
“Luke?”
“I’m sorry you had to witness that,” I say to the ceiling.
“I’m not.”
Surprised, I turn my face toward her and wait for her to say more.
“I am sorry you had to go through that, though. Was it a memory, a… flashback?”
Nodding, I close my eyes. “Mostly.”
“Tell me what happened. Please? It might help you to talk about it. At least then it won’t hover between us.”
A fair request. If there’s any chance of a friendship or any other relationship between Sierra and me, my failure needs to be out in the open. That will allow her to make an informed decision about me. About us.
“Do you want to go to the other room to talk?” she asks.
“If it’s okay with you, I’d rather stay here. After I have those flashbacks, my body rebels if I try to move too soon. Headache and dizziness, nausea, my joints don’t want to function.”
She offers me a tiny grin. “Sounds like the flu.”
Thankful she’s trying to keep the moment from becoming heavier than it already is, I take a deep breath and begin. “My sister, Tiffani, had recently taken her child and left her boyfriend. She finally found what she hoped was a safe place to live and I was helping her move. I was headed back to my apartment where she’d stored some boxes for another load when a fire call came over the police scanner app I had on my phone.”
Staring at the ceiling is going to be easier than watching Sierra’s face as I speak so I turn my head. Her soft sigh tickles the side of my face and I know I’ve disappointed her. I need to get the words out. She needs to know.
“My sister’s new place. I got to the building before the department and even though I wasn’t on duty or even remotely geared up, I ran into her apartment, calling for her. The smoke was intense but like an idiot, I kept looking for her. Finally I found her trapped under a portion of collapsed wall. The building was a fire trap and the flames roared like a wild beast. The room behind the fallen wall was half filled with fire.
“I tried to pull her free. They told me later her leg had been broken and twisted, caught by a doorframe so I’d never have been able to free her. I think she knew. She made me stop trying. Told me to leave, keep myself safe. I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t.”
Tears fill my eyes then escape down the sides of my face. I can’t stop talking. I won’t stop revealing my shame. “I heard the trucks arrive and told her I’d get help. She wouldn’t release my hand until she made me promise to take care of her baby. To ease her mind, I said I would. Then before I pulled my hand away, the ceiling collapsed and a beam… the beam…”
“Severed your hand?” Sierra whispers.
“Dear god if it were only that. The beam crushed the life from my sister. I would give both hands, my legs, anything to have her back.” I turn to the sorrow and compassion in Sierra’s eyes. “I swear I would give anything. Even my life.”