Chapter 11
eleven
Luke
U nable to control my nerves, I bounce my leg and attempt to visually trace the pattern woven into the carpet of the attorney’s reception area. I don’t wear a watch so I have no clue how long we’ve been waiting. Feels like hours.
One repeated phrase dominates my thoughts. Please don’t let Kyle’s father change his mind.
It’s only been about twenty-three hours since the phone call that brought us here to Portland. The city’s tightly packed buildings and even more tightly packed people are pressing in on me. I feel confined and hopeless. When I was young I loved the vibrancy of this city. Now all I want is to return to the peace and silence of the forest.
I feel exposed here and fight to keep from shutting down. I’d be even more of a mess if Sierra wasn’t at my side. She’s able to see the varied sides and implications of the situation and understands how to explain them to me. I can’t focus and she’s never become impatient when I ask about the same possibilities again and again.
The only thing we haven’t discussed is us. She told me she loves me. She’s also shown me love in her patience and empathy. But what’s going to happen when I return to Alaska with Kyle? Her family business is here in Oregon. We might be able to see each other and reconnect if she purchases the land next to mine. She might even take time for me when she visits the camp.
Will that be enough?
No. I know it won’t. Living in Oregon might be better for Kyle. He’d be closer to activities and the stuff kids do. He’s almost old enough to start school. My cabin is far enough out, I’m not even sure getting him to the public school in town every day will be possible. Especially in the winter. Then what?
The thought of moving back here makes my stomach churn and I take a long drink from the water bottle the receptionist provided when we arrived. I doubt I can be a good guardian for my nephew if I’m miserable. What choices do I have? Miserable with life in the city even if Sierra stays with me, or miserable in Alaska without her.
We need to talk. The first words I need to say to her are ‘I love you’. I’ve probably loved her from the moment she fell into my arms and I realized she wasn’t the male parachuter I expected her to be.
Hell, shit, damn. I just can’t think straight. All this stress makes my missing hand hurt like the severed nerves and burned flesh are real.
As though sensing my downward spiraling thoughts, Sierra takes my prosthetic and strokes the metal claw. The pain eases a bit. I cover her hand with mine. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make things better.” It’s a lame answer but all I’ve got right now.
I’m saved from the questions I’m sure are forming by the attorney’s presence in the doorway. He has us follow him to his office.
“I wanted to talk to you before we go into the conference room with Mr. Abbot. This part should be easy. As long as the paperwork is formalized, your meeting with the judge should go smoothly.”
“Meeting with the judge?” I glance at Sierra. Had she mentioned this?
The attorney clears his throat and shuffles the papers on his desk. “I apologize. I neglected to inform you that both the relinquishment of rights and establishing your guardianship of the child must be recorded in court. And you also need to know that if you want to adopt, the child’s parent can ask to have their rights reinstated at any time until the adoption is finalized.”
There’s so much I need to know. Questions I should ask. I can’t think.
“Mr. Grayson lives in Alaska, and would prefer not to return to Oregon,” Sierra says. “What regulations do we need to follow for Kyle to live there with him?”
How does she know I don’t want to live here? We’ve never discussed the possibility. Is this her way of telling me our relationship is doomed?
“We will petition the court to allow the guardianship to be transferred to Alaska. You’ll need to take care of any additional legal formalities there. Is this what you wish to do, Mr. Grayson?”
“Yes. And as soon as possible.” I turn my face to Sierra and mouth, ‘Thank you’. She smiles and gives me a tiny nod.
“I’ll get my paralegal on the needed documents right away. Hopefully the judge will be amenable to taking care of everything today. Wait here a moment while I get the ball rolling then we’ll meet with Mr. Abbot.”
Once he’s softly closed the door, Sierra angles in her chair. “I hope you don’t mind. I kind of took over.”
“No, I’m glad you did. I used to think faster. I’m out of practice dealing with people. Especially lawyers. This whole situation is?—”
“Overwhelming? It is. At least when I went through this kind of legal crap I was old enough to remember how it felt to have someone controlling your future with just a sheet of paper. Do you need me to take a step back, though?”
“Please don’t. Stay right by my side. I need your help to get through this.”
We hold hands in silence until the attorney returns. “Ready?”
With the comfort and strength of her hand in mine, we follow him to a large conference room with floor to ceiling windows looking out over the city. Kyle’s father sits at the table, his arms crossed belligerently. He hasn’t changed and I wonder what kind of life Kyle had with him.
He gives Sierra the once over, his gaze lingering on her breasts before he sneers at me. “Grayson.”
“Abbot.”
He turns to my attorney. “Let’s get this over with. I’ve got places to be.” Grabbing the file folder in front of him, he shoves the papers across the table. “Everything should be there. I’ll see you in court this afternoon.”
I glance around the room. “Where’s Kyle?”
My attorney clears his throat. “He’s in another conference room with one of my staff. We felt it best he’s not in the room for this initial meeting. Once I’m satisfied everything is in order, we’ll bring him in so he can… say good bye.”
Abbot snorts. “Whatever. I suppose he’ll have to be in the courtroom, too.”
“Only if the judge requests. Otherwise he will remain with one of our staff until the proceedings are over.”
The attorney speaks into an intercom and a few moments later there’s a soft knock and the door opens. A young woman holds Kyle’s hand and leads him into the room.
He looks so much like my sister tears fill my eyes.
“Well, come say bye to your dad,” Abbot grumbles.
Kyle ducks behind the woman’s legs. I don’t think about what I’m doing when I kneel and open my arms to him. “Kyle? Remember me?”
He peeks at me and his fearful frown eases to a smile. He takes one step, then runs toward me. The force of his arms around my neck drop me to my ass. “Unka Wuke!” he shouts then buries his face against my neck and bursts into tears.
“Kyle,” I whisper, wrapping him in a tight embrace. He feels so small, so thin. Is this normal for a kid his age? “It’s okay. You’re okay now. You’re going to live with me from now on. Would you like that?”
Spreading tears and probably snot over my neck, he nods. I don’t care and hold him tighter. Tiffani, I’ve got him now. I won’t ever let go. I’m not sure what I’m doing but I’ll raise him to be a happy boy and a good man. You’ll be so proud of him.
Sierra touches the top of my head as she passes to stand in front of Abbot. Rubbing circles on Kyle’s back, I watch her square her shoulders and glare. “So that we don’t have to worry about it later, where can we pick up his clothing and toys?”
“Oh, sweet thing, you don’t need to do anything special. I brought his shit with me. I’m done with this. There, in the corner, that’s the brat’s shit.”
I glance toward the corner but all I see are a couple of trash bags and a paper grocery bag. Sierra crouches and peeks into the paper bag then stalks back toward Abbot. She lifts one hand, stares at it, then lets it fall back to her side as she leans closer.
“You fucking bastard,” she growls softly. “Your son’s belongings fit into garbage bags? I’ll bet there’s not even enough clothing in there for a week.”
He shrugs. “Kids don’t need much.”
“Two fucking black garbage bags. I’m surprised you used a perfectly good grocery bag for three ripped books. Everything he owns treated like garbage. Bastard. Did you treat him like garbage, too? Feed him garbage? He’s too skinny. Then you give him away, throw him and his things out like so much garbage.”
She turns her agonized expression to me. “Thank god Kyle has you.”
Abbot laughs. “Like that guy can take care of a bratty kid. He’s only got one hand.”
The sharp slap of her hand against Abbot’s cheek makes Kyle jerk and curl tighter into my arms. Fuck, has that bastard hit this fragile child?
“I’ll have charges drawn up for that, bitch. You assaulted me.”
My attorney turns his back. “I didn’t see or hear anything? Did you Ms. Graham?” he asks the young woman.
“Not a thing, sir,” she says.
“I am out of here,” Abbot shouts, earning another flinch from the boy in my arms.
Sierra follows him to the door and calls after him. “You didn’t love him. Didn’t care enough to give him a suitcase. Not even a goddamn suitcase.”
Kyle won’t be released to my custody until after the court appearance. He’s comfortable with Ms. Graham, so the attorney encourages us to leave. My nephew’s eyes are sad when I say good bye and I’m sure he doesn’t believe my promise to return. I disappeared on him before, so I can’t blame him.
Then Sierra gets on her knees in front of him. “Don’t worry, Kyle. We’ll be back. Then you’ll come with us to Alaska.”
He chews on his lip then asks, “Is that far away? My dad won’t find me?”
Pain fills Sierra’s eyes when she glances back at me. What the fuck did Abbot do to his son to make him so afraid? How long will it be until he can trust me? I’m not ready for this, for sudden parenthood. For a child who doesn’t really even know me. I can’t even promise Abbot won’t want Kyle back.
Sierra taps her finger on his nose. “It’s very far away. And your uncle will keep you safe. I… I promise you that he will.”
Kyle studies her then with a grin taps her nose. “What about you? You’ll be there, too?”
I hold my breath waiting for her answer. We haven’t talked relationship or permanence. I want both. I sense she might, too. But I’m only guessing.
Kyle doesn’t wait for her to answer and wraps his arms around her neck, giving her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Then he says, “My mama is an angel. In heaven.”
Emotion tightens my throat. I join them, kneeling and wrapping my arms around them both. Kyle wiggles and I loosen my hold but he doesn’t move away. “Unka Wuke, sometimes mama talks to me. She wuves me and you, too. And she said Sierwa is my new mommy. We’s gonna be a famiwy. In Awaska. Mama said so. I can be bwave and wait until you come back. I know my famiwy is gonna be back for me.”
He returns to our hug and snuggles against my chest. The trust and hope this little boy has shames me. I’ve spent over a year drowning in self-recrimination and self-hate. That energy should have been spent on protecting Kyle and my sister’s memory.
Rediscovering myself wouldn’t have happened without Sierra. She found the cracks in my spirit and is healing my soul. She opened my heart again.
I keep my gaze on Sierra as I speak to the boy in my arms. “We will be a family, Kyle. We’ll love each other very much. That will never, ever change. Do you believe me?”
Both Kyle and Sierra nod. A single tear trails down Sierra’s face and she smiles. “We’re going to have the best family ever.”
After another long hug, she eases to her feet. “Kyle, before we go… home, can we sort through your things? I’m going to buy you a suitcase and I want to make sure I get the right size.”
Kyle glances at the garbage bags. “It’s okay if you don’t want to spend money on me. My Abbot dad said I don’t need anything more than this.”
Another black mark on the bastard’s tally. The same thought shines in Sierra’s eyes. I lift Kyle as I stand and set him on one of the wingback chairs in a seating area. “Let’s take a look and see. You’ll tell me the truth, won’t you, if there’s things you don’t really want to take with you?”
He lifts one finger to his chest and makes the motions while he says, “Cross my heart, unka Wuke.”
Sierra unpacks the bags, and my heart breaks at the meagre collection of tattered clothing. The only things Kyle seems interested in are a stained Spiderman tee shirt and the books in the paper bag. Sierra is fighting tears and my emotions aren’t far behind. He has so little.
Kyle holds up one of the books. The pages are barely held together by the spine. “This is my favowite book. It was my mama’s, too.”
I take The Velveteen Rabbit from him and carefully turn the pages. “I remember. Your mama and I read this together when we were kids.”
“Wead it to me, too?”
The innocent request breaks me. The pain of loss tightens my chest and tears of pure sorrow fill my eyes. “Yes, yes,” I manage before the tears fall. “Anytime you want, Kyle.”
The woman who’d been hovering at the edge of the room steps forward and holds her hand out to Kyle. “I think your uncle needs some time to get ready for you to go home with him. How about we go back to our game for a little while?”
Kyle pats my hand. “Is that okay?”
I bend to press a kiss to the top of his head, then ruffle his blond hair. “Yes, it is. I will see you soon and we’ll get ready to fly to Alaska.”
“Fwy? I gets to fwy with you? Yay!”
We’re in the courtroom for only about ten minutes. Abbot makes belligerent statements pissing off the judge who then grants all our requests. Kyle is now under my guardianship and the paperwork will be transferred to Alaska. There’s official stuff that I’ll need to take care of once we’re home, but for now, the three of us are going to celebrate.
First Sierra takes us on a shopping trip. I go overboard, filling our cart with clothing, toys, and snacks, almost everything Kyle shows interest in ends up in our shopping bags. Then we plan our celebration dinner.
“What shall we have to eat,” I ask my nephew.
“I usuawy have peanut butter.” Wrinkling his nose, he makes a face.
“Is that your favorite?” Sierra asks.
“No. Don’t reawy wike it. But it’s what my Abbot dad said I should eat.”
I bite back a pleased grin, loving the way he’s chosen to indicate his father. Hopefully someday, uncle Luke will morph to Dad. We’ll work on it, but I won’t push. “Then no peanut butter. If you could have anything in the world, what would you choose?”
He doesn’t have to think about his answer. “Chicken nuggets.” Before I reply he says, “No, wait. A hamburger with pickles.” His face falls. “I can’t decide.”
Sierra comes to the rescue. “Why don’t we have both?”
“Both?” His eyes go wide, sparkling with happiness.
She nods. “Both. With French fries.”